Recap: Steve is heading down a busy hall at West Beverly High and notices Brandon leaning against his locker studying a betting sheet. He saunters over and asks him which team he's betting on in the Super Bowl, but Brandon just grins and doesn't answer. Steve snatches the betting sheet out of Brandon's hands and looks surprised that he's planning to place a bet on the next Knicks game. He warns Brandon that betting on basketball games is for suckers.
Down the hall, Brenda and Kelly are trying to convince Donna to come along on the mother-daughter spa weekend they've all been planning at the swanky Montecito Hotel. Kelly asks Donna if she's certain her mother is really too sick to go, and Donna assures her that Felice is definitely not faking whatever illness she suddenly came down with. Donna wants to go spa-ing with her friends, but she's worried about feeling like a fifth wheel...which means they need to find a replacement for Felice. For whatever reason, they all agree that Ahn-drea constitutes a desirable replacement, and the three head over to The Blaze newsroom to extend the invitation. Ahn-drea, who's generally against anything fun, tells them she doesn't like spas, and that getting massages and beauty tips would make her nervous. The girls try to make their case by telling her that The Montecito is considered to be the best spa in California, it's totally geared toward women, and - most importantly - the trip is already paid for. Donna also points out that sitting in a whirlpool would probably be very good for Ahn-drea's recently broken legs. Ahn-drea mulls it over and admits that she is kind of curious about what it's like to spend a weekend at a luxurious spa. She accepts their invitation, and then needlessly pledges to document the experience for an article in her stupid Blaze.
The Walsh house. Mama Walsh briefs her husband about the ready-to-heat meals she has prepared for him and Brandon while she's off spa-ing at The Montecito. Papa Walsh assures her that he's quite capable of taking care of himself for a few days. Jackie, who's sitting at the kitchen counter, cheekily advises him that if all else fails he can order take-out. Brenda and Kelly enter the kitchen, and Brenda asks her mother if she can borrow her bathrobe...but before Mama Walsh can respond, Kelly informs them that there's no need to bring robes. The Montecito provides very comfortable, chic robes for all their guests. That settled, the two return upstairs to resume their packing. Mama Walsh tells Jackie how great it is that the two girls are on speaking terms again...but Jackie accurately predicts that that will likely end when Dylan finally gets off the pot and decides which of them he wants to regularly doink.
Papa Walsh reappears to wish Mama Walsh and Jackie a great time at the spa, and tells them he'll be busy working on an audit all weekend. His firm is representing a new client, Dr. Benjamin Kramer, a psychiatrist who recently wrote the self-help bestseller, Mid-life...Now What? Jackie gushes about how fabulous the book is and declares that every wife should read it. When she leaves the room to help Kelly finish up her packing, Mama Walsh snarkily asks her husband if he'll be working with his sexy secretary (Dottie) this weekend. Papa Walsh tells her he'll mostly be working with Dr. Kramer, but admits that Dottie will be at the office as well. Mama Walsh looks irked by this, so Papa Walsh assures her that she has nothing to worry about.
The Peach Pit. Brandon asks Nat to call his shady bookie, Duke, so he can place some bets on sports games. Nat crinkles his face in concern and warns him not to get in over his head. Steve, meanwhile, is trying to convince his male buddies to go with him to a party in the Palisades to meet cute girls, but he doesn't have any luck. Dylan has his hands full with the Brenda/Kelly quagmire and doesn't want to meet any more girls; David is too busy studying and already has a girlfriend; and Brandon has no better excuse than he wants to stay home and watch the Knicks game. Steve gets annoyed with all three of them and storms out of the diner in disgust.
The Montecito. Brenda, Kelly, and Donna are sacked out on the cushy lobby furniture while Jackie and Mama Walsh check everyone in. Ahn-drea comes rushing over, and in her usual annoyingly frenetic, rambley manner, she details for them every activity and amenity the spa has to offer. Brenda and Donna each bark her name in an effort to shut her up, but it's Kelly's stern command to stop nattering and chillax that jolts Ahn-drea back into relative coherence.
Once Jackie is finished with the check-in process, she runs into an old drug buddy named Babette, who's now employed at the spa. The two briefly catch up on each others' lives, and afterward Jackie introduces her to everyone. Kelly, needless to say, is less than thrilled with the reappearance of her mother's former coke connection.
The Walsh house. Brandon is trying to decide which of Mama Walsh's lovingly prepared dishes he wants to dive into first. Papa Walsh tells him he'll just grab a bite to eat while he's at the office, since he'll be so busy working all weekend. Brandon raises his eyebrows and asks, "With Dottie?" and Papa Walsh sarcastically retorts, "Yes, with Dottie" and Brandon grins and goes, "Way to go, dad." It's a tad weird for Brandon to be encouraging anything resembling a hook-up between his dad and his hot young secretary, but OK. About a minute after Papa Walsh leaves for the office, Mama Walsh calls to check up on him. Brandon tells her that he just left, so she says she'll give him a call later. But as soon as Mama Walsh hangs up, she furrows her brows concernedly and asks Jackie where the nearest bookstore is.
In the following scene, Mama Walsh is strolling down a corridor in the hotel with Jackie, thumbing through Mid-life...Now What? In particular, she's searching for any chapters about married men who have affairs with their secretaries. Jackie accurately predicts that Papa Walsh's secretary is a young knockout and Mama Walsh confirms that this does, in fact, describe Dottie. Jackie nods knowingly and says she knows the type - hell, she used to be the type. When a shapely blonde woman saunters past them in the corridor, Mama Walsh gives her a once-over and starts moaning about how she can't possibly compete with that. Jackie concurs, but assures her that Papa Walsh doesn't expect her to...then reminds her that he's a good man who probably isn't going to doink Dottie.
Papa Walsh's office. Papa Walsh and Dottie are reading over a list of their new client's various accounts. Dottie reads aloud a bunch of numbers, and Papa Walsh demonstrates his accounting prowess by calculating them in his head and then figuring out percentages. Dottie is impressed by his mathematical wizardry and tells him how amazing he is for being able to do all that computing in his head. Reverently she tells him, "You're really a brilliant man." Papa Walsh blushes like a schoolgirl and looks very flattered by the compliment.
The Montecito. Brenda, Kelly, and Donna are exercising on various machines. We get some gratuitous footage when the camera zooms in on their lithe, sweating bodies...but the footage becomes far less gratuitous when the camera pans over to Ahn-drea, who looks frumpy and uncoordinated as she struggles with a Nordic Track ski machine. After the cardio workout, the four gals sit naked in a giant tub of mud. They're very grossed out by the mud's gooey texture, even after Donna explains that there are herbs in the mud, which expel toxins from the skin.
The Peach Pit. Duke the bookie enters the diner and greets Nat in a cartoonishly phony, sinister way. He has dropped by to collect the money that Nat owes him for a lost bet. Nat obediently hands over the cash, but Duke tells him to give it to Brandon, who placed the winning bet. Brandon tells Duke to keep the money and roll it over for his next round of bets. Nat looks very concerned that Brandon is getting so deeply entrenched into the shady underworld of gambling and bookies.
Brandon strolls over to Dylan's table to serve him his order, and Dylan starts whining to him again about how he's going crazy trying to decide which girl he wants to be with: Kelly or Brenda. It's weird that Brandon doesn't find it at all awkward to discuss Dylan's love-triangle situation, given that one-third of that love-triangle is his sister.
The Montecito. Brenda, Kelly, Donna, and Ahn-drea have hosed themselves clean after the mud bath, and they're now ready for their massages. A spa worker appears to assign each of them to a masseuse, and for some bizarre reason she singles out Kelly and tells her that they're going to do a lot of work on her problem areas. Kelly looks bewildered by the notion that her body has problem areas - which it totally doesn't - but this scene marks the genesis of Kelly's future eating disorder, which will become a full-blown issue six episodes from now.
As Brenda and Kelly get their massages, a really chatty masseuse asks them where they're from and which college they go to. She's stunned to learn that they're still in high school...and then starts telling them an inappropriate story about her friend Mandy, who was dating a married man until her best friend, Sheila, got her hooks into him and started dating him herself. Charming. Brenda and Kelly stare over at each other, but neither says anything.
After their massages, Brenda and Kelly return to the locker room to get dressed. Kelly makes a remark about her "thunder thighs", but Brenda brushes off her negative self body image and tells Kelly that the story the masseuse told about the two best friends fighting over the same guy really got to her. Kelly, however, is still too troubled by her gargantuan thighs to allow the subject to be changed, so she asks Brenda if she thinks she has problem areas. Brenda gives her a definitive no and tells her that it's crazy to even think that...but Kelly isn't convinced and stares unhappily at her reflection in the full length mirror.
The Peach Pit. Dylan is now whining about his girl problems to Nat. Since Dylan can't decide which girl to choose, Nat advises him not to stress about it so much - after all, he's not getting married any time soon, is he? The mention of the word married causes Dylan to suddenly look very contemplative, and he slips into his first of two ridiculous daydreams...
Future Dylan arrives home - which, oddly, is the Walsh house - and is greeted by his two little daughters. He's wearing a striped shirt and suspenders, and has fluffed out grey hair and a ghastly mustache. He picks up the little girls and enters the living room, which is being trashed by two rambunctious amok-running little boys. Future Dylan yells at the boys and then loudly summons Future Brenda, who comes waddling down the stairs, heavily pregnant, and carrying a baby. She's oblivious to Dylan's troubled mood and tells him she can't decide which wallpaper to put up in the nursery: bunnies or bears. Future Dylan just stares at her in horror and looks a lot like he wants to blow his brains out.
The Montecito. Brenda, Kelly, Donna, and Ahn-drea are sitting on an outdoor patio, eating lunch. Kelly is sniping at Donna for ordering two lunches, which have a total calorie count of 784. Donna isn't at all bothered by the criticism and even shovels off some of the uneaten food from Kelly's plate onto her own plate. Kelly just stares at her in annoyance and demands to know how she can eat like such a pig and stay so thin...and suggests that she's bulimic. Donna assures her she's not bulimic and explains that she just has a super high metabolism. Dissatisfied with that response, Kelly asks Ahn-drea if she thinks Donna has an eating disorder...and Ahn-drea, who is slumped in her chair and totally disinterested in the conversation, dreamily murmurs, "I don't know." An amused Brenda remarks that it looks as though Ahn-drea has finally decompressed and gotten the hang of spa-ing.
Meanwhile, Mama Walsh and Jackie are enjoying their lunch at another table. Mama Walsh is browsing through the Mid-life...Now What? book and is getting very freaked out by the high percentage of men who cheat or fantasize about cheating. None of this surprises Jackie, as well it shouldn't since she's currently on husband #4. Mama Walsh excuses herself and rushes over to the nearest phone to call her husband...but Dottie answers the phone and tells her that Papa Walsh is in a meeting. When Dottie recognizes Mama Walsh's voice, she offers to interrupt the meeting if it's something urgent, but Mama Walsh tells her it's not necessary.
Papa Walsh's office. Dottie brings in lunch for Papa Walsh and Dr. Kramer. She eyes Papa Walsh flirtatiously as she provides details of each lunch item. After that, she passes along the message that Mama Walsh called. As she sexily sashays out of the office, Dr. Kramer cranes his head to check out her ass. He turns back to Papa Walsh and asks him how he's able to concentrate with her around, so Papa Walsh gives him his usual line that he's a happily married man...but then stops and admits that he actually can't concentrate. He discreetly confesses that he thinks about Dottie all the time, even though he loves his wife and couldn't imagine life without her. He then starts rambling nonsensically about how he suspects that Dottie is coming onto him, but isn't totally sure, and then wonders if it's all in his head. Yep, it is pretty much all in your head, Jim. Dr. Kramer, who clearly has no interest in conducting a free therapy session, tells Papa Walsh that if he'd like to explore his feelings further, he can call his office and schedule an appointment the way his paying patients do. To tide Papa Walsh over in the meantime, he hands him a copy of his book.
The Montecito. Jackie and Babette are regaling Mama Walsh with stories about their wild, drugged out days of yore. Babette sighs nostalgically and says how great those days were, but Jackie admits she also had a lot of bad drug trips during that time. Babette tells her she still indulges in a little "toot" every now and then; in response, Jackie proudly tells her she's totally clean, and with her recent marriage and new baby, she feels better than she has in years. Babette excuses herself so she can get back to work, but before she leaves she suggests that the three of them get together for a drink later...and they all agree that that's a great idea. Jackie humbly reminds Mama Walsh about the first time they met - when Mama Walsh caught her snorting blow in a public bathroom. Jackie looks sheepish and says how embarrassed she is by that now. Mama Walsh assures her that there's no reason to feel embarrassed, and then tells her how much she admires her for being able to completely turn her life around.
Kelly tells Brenda that she's worried about all the time her mom is spending with Babette. Brenda brushes off her worrying and says she doubts that Jackie will get high. Kelly doesn't look entirely convinced, so Brenda tells her that if she's that worried, she should just talk to her mom about it - but preferably after they have their facials. At the moment, Kelly doesn't give a rat's ass about getting a facial, so she tells Brenda to just go ahead without her...but when Brenda gives her her customary bitchy death glare whenever she doesn't get what she wants, Kelly caves and meekly agrees to meet her in the locker room in ten minutes.
In the "facials" area of the spa, the chatty masseuse is telling another disinterested customer about her slutty friend Mandy and her married boyfriend...but this time she goes a giant step further and describes him as an oral surgeon from Beverly Hills by the name of Dr. Mel Silver. Sitting beside the disinterested customer is Brenda, whose face is being de-towelled for her facial. She looks shocked by what she's just heard.
The Peach Pit. David enters the diner with a pile of school books. He joins Dylan, who tells David he doesn't look so good. David explains that he got zero sleep last night because baby Erin was up crying all night; apparently she misses her mama. Plus, we now know that Mel has been shirking his fatherly duties while he sleeps around with various women and lies to David about his long work hours. David recounts for Dylan that Mel once told him that the reason he works so hard is to make the big bucks so he can spoil the women in his life...and then wryly says that this is why he and Kelly get along so well. At the mention of big bucks, Dylan once again looks contemplative and slips into his second of two daydreams...
Future Dylan is sitting in his dining room, looking distressed as he tabulates expenses...and then starts cutting up credit cards. His wife, Future Kelly, arrives home decked out in a smart black suit with leopard print trim. She's been out shopping, and pouts about how the mean woman at Saks tore up her store credit card because they were late paying the bill. Future Dylan tells her they need to talk - but before he can get another word out, Future Kelly giddily orders him to close his eyes. He does, and when she gives him permission to open them again, she's holding up a purple parka she just purchased. She tells him it's for their upcoming ski vacation - in St. Moritz! Future Dylan complains that they were just in Paris a month ago, and says he would rather stay home. Future Kelly asks him why they would do that when they can go to - Hawaii! And as she says Hawaii, she pulls out a brand new bikini from her shopping bag. Future Dylan brusquely breaks the news to her that they're broke...and Future Kelly giggles but then soberly asks him how that could possibly be. He explains that all of the money has been spent on unnecessary clothing and excessive vacations, so Future Kelly starts wigging out about how they're going to live. Future Dylan attempts to calm his wife down by presenting her with a new emerald necklace. She glances at it and tells him she loves it, but then realizes that emerald is Brenda's birthstone...so she accuses him of still carrying a torch for her. This finally snaps Dylan out of his reverie.
The Montecito. Brenda is sitting in the locker room when Kelly breezes in. She notices Brenda's quiet mood and asks her what's wrong. Brenda tells her that the chatty masseuse was once again yapping indiscriminately about her friend who dated the married boyfriend...but this time she named the married boyfriend, who is none other than Mel Silver. Kelly stares back at her in shock and says it has to be a mistake...but if it's not, she has no idea how she's going to break the devastating news to her mom.
Kelly calls home and talks to David. She grills him about Mel's activities and whereabouts for the past couple of days...and when David checks with the housekeeper, it becomes apparent that Mel has been sleeping elsewhere for at least the last two nights.
The Walsh house. Papa Walsh is in the kitchen reading Mid-life...Now What? when Brandon and Steve stop by to grab a bite to eat before heading out to a movie. Steve asks Papa Walsh what book he's reading, and Papa Walsh stares back at him like a deer in headlights and stammers that it's a book his client authored and he's not actually reading it. When Steve asks him what it's called, Papa Walsh turns crimson and reluctantly reveals the title. He's so mortified that he flees the room, and Brandon and Steve break out in laughter.
The Montecito. Mama Walsh, Jackie, and Babette are sitting at a table in the spa restaurant, and it looks like the three of them are having a delightful time. Kelly suddenly interrupts the trio and tells her mom she needs to speak to her in private, so Jackie excuses herself and the two stroll over to the pool area. Jackie tells Kelly she's glad she pulled her away from Mama Walsh and Babette, since they haven't spent much mother-daughter time together on this trip. Kelly brusquely asks her mom if she's been drinking, so Jackie tells her she's had no more than a sip of white wine. Kelly then asks if Babette is still a coke-head, and Jackie admits that the woman toots, but only on special occasions. Kelly tells her mother that she has something important to tell her, but warns that it could be the thing that pushes her into a downward spiral of drug and alcohol hazed debauchery. The two then stroll away from the camera, and sit on a couple of beach loungers to have their big talk. Once Kelly drops the bomb on her, the two hug.
In the next scene, Jackie is sitting by the pool area, alone. Babette happens to walk by and asks her why she looks so mopey. Jackie tells her that she got bad news from home, which is that her philandering husband of less than one year is having an affair. Well...multiple affairs if we're taking the chatty masseuse's word for it. Jackie says she feels naive for ever believing that a serial scumbag philanderer like Mel wouldn't eventually do the same thing to her that he's done to countless other women. She tells Babette that she's going to have to figure out what to do with her life...but Babette urges her to avoid making any big decisions while in a depressed state of mind. She then offers Jackie one of her special occasion toots to help take the edge off.
Kelly is asleep on the couch when Jackie finally returns to their hotel room. She worriedly asks her mom where she's been, so Jackie explains that she couldn't sleep and then sat by the pool for awhile. She tells her that she ran into Babette and somehow ended up in her room with half a gram of cocaine. Kelly looks dismayed, but Jackie hastily assures her that while the coke was tempting, she made a firm decision not to deal with her problems by doing drugs. And so she thanked Babette - who's really not much of a friend since she nearly caused Jackie to fall off her sobriety wagon - and left the room. Kelly breathes a big sigh of relief and tells her mom she's very proud of her. Jackie tells her that while she was pontificating about her life, she realized that whatever happens with her douchebag of a cheating husband, she got a beautiful baby out of the relationship - so what more could she ask for? Kelly asks her what will happen with the marriage, and Jackie doesn't yet have any answers. She isn't sure if they can work through this, or if his cheating will completely break the marriage apart.
Papa Walsh is in his office, reading Midlife...Now What? when Dottie interrupts him, looking shapely and attractive in jeans and a tight black shirt. She tells Papa Walsh they need to talk, and that it's so awkward. She then eyes him suggestively and strides toward him. She tells him he's a brilliant, passionate, sexy man, and that she really wants to bone him right now. Obviously this is the point at which their interaction becomes one of Papa Walsh's horny daydreams. Dottie sits in his lap and the two start making out. Between kisses, he mutters something about how he's a happily married man who loves his wife, but then moans that kissing her is a fantasy come true. Dottie abruptly stops kissing him, stares at him coldly and snaps, "Of course it's a fantasy." And then calls him an old horn-dog. Haha!
In the non-daydream version of the scene..
Dottie interrupts Papa Walsh, looking shapely and attractive in jeans and a tight black shirt. She tells Papa Walsh they need to talk, and that it's so awkward. Papa Walsh cautions her that they shouldn't be doing this, but Dottie ignores his warning and presses ahead. She tells him he'd better find himself a new secretary because her boyfriend proposed last night, and they're moving to Florida! Papa Walsh looks dazed and a little wistful at the thought of losing his hot secretary...but he manages to recover quickly enough to congratulate her on her impending nuptials.
The Montecito. Everyone's in the lobby, waiting for Jackie to finish the check-out process. Ahn-drea shows Brenda, Kelly, and Donna a big bag of all the free samples she's scamming from the spa. Mama Walsh strolls over to the girls to gloat about how Papa Walsh just called her for no other reason than to tell her that he loves her. No doubt he made that phone call after Dottie informed him that she was quitting her job and leaving town. Mama Walsh then ambles over to Jackie and asks her if she's all right. Jackie nods and says she knows what she has to do, and that it won't be easy. Mama Walsh sheepishly tells her she feels like a fool for being so suspicious of her husband and Dottie, while Jackie now has to deal with the real thing.
Dylan's house. Dylan, Brandon, and Steve are watching sports on TV. Brandon is engrossed in the game, since he has a bet riding on it. He really is overdoing it with the gambling. The phone then rings, and Dylan answers it. He suddenly orders Brandon to switch to Channel 6, which features a breaking news story about Jack McKay. He's being released from prison after serving only two years of his sentence. Brandon asks Dylan why he didn't say anything about his father's release, and Dylan wryly says that up until a second ago, he had no idea his father was getting out of prison.