Recap: Brenda, Kelly, and Donna are wandering through the aisles of a video rental store, looking for a movie to rent. Donna picks out Father of the Bride, but Kelly points out that she's already seen it fifty times and tells her to just buy the damn thing already. Brenda suggests renting a classic, and a bored Kelly ambles toward the "how to" section. David, meanwhile, is browsing the store's porn section and looks slightly embarrassed when Donna catches him in the act...but then puts his arm around her and asks if she wants to have some X-rated fun with him. Donna prudishly declines, lectures him on the evils of porn, and forcibly steers him away from the area. Just as they're exiting the porn section, she comes face to face with Father Chris, the priest who gave her her first communion. Father Chris looks happy to see her, makes a mental note that she's standing near porn, and invites her to stop by his church for a soul-cleanse. Donna promises she'll be in touch.
Donna and David rejoin Brenda and Kelly. Suddenly, Brenda looks down one of the video aisles and is startled to see Dean Cain. She mutters, "Oh my God.." and asks Donna to hide her. Donna tells her there's no way she's going to make it out of the video rental store without Dean Cain seeing her, so Brenda goes on the offensive and boldly approaches him. Donna fills in Kelly and David about who Dean Cain is, and also that he thinks Brenda is a native Parisian.
Dean Cain is flabbergasted when he sees Brenda "Dubois". She slips into her grisly fake French accent to explain that she's in California visiting her "Ameri-caan relateev in Beverly Ills" - OMFG - but is jetting back to Paris in a couple of days. Dean Cain tells her he finally gave up enduring cold Wisconsin winters and transferred to UCLA...then guilts her about the way she stood him up in Paris that day. He recounts his deep sadness over the thought of never seeing her again - but now that he's suddenly re-connected with her, he's over the pain and wants to give her a tour of L.A.! Brenda tries to decline, but gives up the fight when he starts babbling about kismet and dreamily remarks on how beautiful she is. God - he's still as schmaltzy as he was in Paris. He asks her where she's staying during her "visit", so she tells him she's bunking over at her Aunt and Uncle Walsh's house.
The Walsh house. The family is setting the table for dinner when the phone rings. Mama Walsh answers it and then looks confused. She holds the receiver in her hand and announces that the caller is a boy who wants to know if her niece Brenda is at home. Brenda dashes over to the phone, takes the receiver from her mother, and slips into her ridiculous accent to converse with Dean Cain. She declines an invitation for that evening, but agrees to get together with him on Saturday. When she finishes her call, her bewildered family asks her whassup, so she breezily explains that he's just some guy she met in Paris who somehow believes her ghastly accent is authentic and that she's a native Parisian. She didn't think she'd ever see him again, but then bumped into him the other day in a video rental store, so now she's forced to keep this absurd, implausible deception going. Brandon points out that the guy is sure to go postal when he discovers that she's been lying to him all this time, but Brenda smugly insists that that isn't going to happen.
Kelly's house. Kelly is painting her room black, and Jackie is worried that the black paint might be a subtle cry for help. She delicately asks her daughter what's bothering her, so Kelly tells her how lonely it feels to be single when everyone around her is coupled up. She cites the following:
Like every good mother who has a daughter, Jackie dutifully assures Kelly that she's young, beautiful, and has her whole life ahead of her. Kelly laments always falling for the wrong guy, and Jackie tells her it's impossible to control who a person falls in love with. Out of curiosity, she asks Kelly who this "wrong guy" is...but the conversation is interrupted when baby Erin starts crying and Jackie has to rush over to the nursery to attend to her.
Donna's house. Donna and David are making out on Donna's bed. Ew. David tells her he's surprised she hasn't stopped him, since this is usually the point at which she shoves his thrusting pelvis off of her. Donna tells him she wants him to keep going, but then reverses herself and stops him. They both sit upright on the edge of the bed, and David formally announces that he and his blue balls are ready, willing, and available to doink at any time...so whenever she's ready, she need only roll over and unzip his pants. Donna looks uncertain and tells him she doesn't know if she's ready, so David lists a number of reasons why they could be doinking right now: a) they're both virgins and therefore won't contract any diseases, b) her parents are out of town, so they can orgasm at the top of their lungs, and c) he has condoms, so she won't get knocked up. Donna isn't swayed, however, and tells David she was brought up to believe that she must hold out until marriage. David warns her that he's not likely to get married for at least ten years, and there's no possible way he and his ardent penis are going to make it through such a lengthy, self-imposed sex drought. Donna looks contemplative.
West Beverly High. As the gang strolls outdoors, Kelly proudly tells everyone that Donna's SAT score went up by eighty points from the last time she took the test. I guess that was before they figured out she was learning disabled. Brandon asks Steve how he did, and he says he did about the same. Kelly laughs and quips, "Not so hot, huh?" to which he irritably retorts, "It'll do." Brenda asks Dylan how he did on the SAT, and he tells her he hasn't gotten his results back...but assumes it's 'cause he took the test in Lompoc.
Steve approaches Brandon at his locker and discreetly tells him that his SAT scores are horrific, and that he's worried about not getting accepted into UCLA. At that moment Herbert happens to walk by and amiably asks Steve how it's going, and Steve bitchily snaps, "It's going." Brandon tries to buoy Steve's sagging spirits by pointing out that universities look at other things besides the SAT, but Steve confesses that his grades are also in the toilet. Brandon gently urges Steve to scale down his post-secondary aspirations to something more along the lines of Burger King University, but Steve insists that in his family, it's UCLA or nothing. With no more empty words of encouragement left to offer, Brandon just advises Steve to maybe try studying...and Steve sarcastically thanks him and strides down the hall. As he passes the computer lab, he notices Herbert inside, and soon a terrible scheme takes root inside his muddled brain.
Steve enters the lab and apologizes to Herbert for acting like a douchebag thirty seconds earlier. He invites Herbert to go to a Raiders game with him, and then gets right down to business and asks him if he's ever hacked into a big computer system before. He adds that he heard the administrators of West Beverly High store all of the students' grades on a computer system and suggests breaking into this system so they can alter their grades. Herbert tells him he could probably do it if he knew the password - but even if he did know the password, he'd have to break into the school first. Steve assures Herbert that he has that end covered and proudly shows him his key.
The Blaze newsroom. Ahn-drea is on the phone, hustling some hapless, unsuspecting person into spending money on advertising space in The Blaze. When she finishes her call, Brandon hands her an article he just finished editing, then tells her he has to go study for a history midterm. He asks her if she needs a lift, but she declines and tells him she's in the mood for a walk.
After the final bell rings, Ahn-drea leaves school and ambles along the street, clutching her school books. She crosses at an intersection, and somehow fails to notice the silver muscle car that's barreling toward her. In a badly edited action sequence, Ahn-drea's stunt double is struck by the side of the car, bounces in the air, then splats onto the pavement. The camera then cuts to the real Ahn-drea, lying unconscious amid her school books with one foot at a weird angle. The driver continues to speed off, leaving her for dead.
Hospital. Miraculously, Ahn-drea survived the accident and is laying in a hospital bed with casts on both legs. Her face is all bruised up too. She's conscious when Brandon quietly enters her room holding a bouquet of flowers. She's happy to see him and tells him he just missed her parents. She tells him she has two broken legs...and Brandon tenderly holds her hand (blech, Brandon!) and asks her exactly what happened. She recounts that she was walking home from school, thinking about how great her life is (seriously?)...and suddenly a car came out of nowhere, struck her, and then kept on going. The police told her she's lucky she didn't end up as roadkill. Brandon kisses her forehead and tells her he's there for whatever she may need, and so she takes full advantage of his sympathy and asks him to sit with her awhile.
West Beverly High. Steve tells his young new protege, Herbert, that the legacy key has been used ever since the 1960s, and infers that breaking into the school after hours is less a crime than a folksy tradition. Herbert reveals a glimmer of intelligence when he points out to Steve that he doesn't actually need to change his grades since he gets straight As...but somehow Steve manages to guilt Herbert into his nefarious scheme by reminding him about how he helped break him out of his wimp mold. I'm not sure when or how that metamorphosis occurred. Steve then appeals to Herbert's sense of loyalty and adventure, and promises to one day make Herbert the heir to the legacy key. Poor Herbert easily capitulates and hands over what's left of his gonads to Steve, and agrees to do his bidding.
Outside, Steve uses his cell phone to a call up a security company. He pretends to be an employee of a computer maintenance corporation and requests the password to the school's network...and gets it! He turns to Herbert and cackles, "We got 'em!" and then runs off, screeching with joy.
Nikki joins Brandon, who's hanging with Donna and David. She asks how Ahn-drea's doing, and Brandon tells her that she's OK, and that she'll be back in school next week. Nikki tells the group that her aunt gave her four tickets to a live cable AIDS benefit that Rosie O'Donnell is hosting. She apologizes for the short notice because it airs that evening...but Brandon's into it, and Donna and David also agree to go.
The Walsh house. Mama Walsh answers the door for Dylan and announces to Brenda that Slouchy has arrived. Brenda, meanwhile, is on the phone with Dean Cain, finalizing plans to get together with him on Saturday. Dylan locates Brenda in the kitchen just as she's hanging up the phone and asks her if Papa Walsh is around. She asks him if anything's wrong, so he tells her he got his SAT results back...and it turns out that he did so well that the SAT people are accusing him of cheating. In the next scene, he's seated on the couch in the family room, discussing the situation with Brenda and her parents. Papa Walsh reads over the letter and says he understands why a red flag was raised: Dylan's score improved by three hundred points from the last time he took the test. Dylan explains that the last time he took the SAT was the day Brenda was in the hospital to have her non-cancerous breast lump removed, and he did so terribly 'cause he left halfway through the test to be by her side. Papa Walsh tells him that there's an appeal process, but recommends retaking the test, since it would entail a lot less red tape. Dylan doesn't like that last option and moodily insists that he didn't cheat.
Hospital. Donna, David, Brandon, and Nikki have dropped by to pay a visit to Ahn-drea and tell her that they're on their way to a cable AIDS benefit. Ahn-drea is grateful for the company and urges the four of them to sign her two casts.
Cable AIDS benefit. A young Rosie O'Donnell is delivering a monologue about the scourge of AIDS and unprotected sex. She then announces that she's going to put unsuspecting audience members on the spot by asking them to share stories about their first sexual experience...because that's an appropriate thing to do to complete strangers on live TV. Naturally, she makes a beeline right over to Brandon and Nikki, and starts grilling them about their relationship. They shift awkwardly in their seats as they tell her that they've been dating for a few months. When she asks them if they're "doing it", they laugh nervously and tell her that they've doinked before...but not with each other. She then moves on to David and Donna. Donna demurely reveals that she's still a virgin, and when Rosie asks if her if she's going to wait, Donna says yes and sanctimoniously adds that that's just the way she was raised. Rosie nods her approval and orders Donna to go home and thank her mother for doing such a good job raising a non-slut. She then takes a needless jab at David by advising Donna not to let him pressure her into sex, and that it's OK to wait. As the audience claps, Rosie barks at her male viewers to wear a condom if they're so much as contemplating having sex.
Dylan's house. Dylan and Brenda have just finished watching the cable AIDS benefit on TV. He apologizes for taking her home so early, but says he's pretty beat. Brenda's amused by the spectacle of her brother and their friends being interviewed by Rosie O'Donnell about their sex lives. Dylan, however, is dismayed that anyone would discuss something so personal on national television. Brenda brings up the SAT situation again and tells him she thinks he should just retake the test...but this gets Dylan all prickly, and he tells her doesn't want to discuss it. She assures him she believes he didn't cheat, since he's always been so honest with her...and this prompts Dylan to admit that this is not exactly true. He slouches over to the couch and confesses that while she was in Paris last summer, he started seeing another girl. He apologizes for keeping it a secret for so long, but Brenda has already become enraged by his deception and demands to know who she is. Was it Stacy? And if not, does Stacy actually exist? Dylan wisely tells her it's not important who it is, but this only angers Brenda further. She spits out a faux thank you for his "integrity" and hisses at him to take her home.
Donna's house. David and Donna are lying atop her bed again. He tells her he wants to stay the night, but only to sleep. Clever, David. Donna consents, but only as long as there's no hanky panky. David promises to keep the snake in its cage, so the two cuddle together and fall asleep. Donna has a dream that she's in the video rental store again, but this time she's wearing a white communion dress and is accompanied by a group of little girls, also wearing communion dresses. As the strange looking group approaches the porn area, one of Donna's companions tells her that she can't go in there because she's just a little girl. But Donna keeps walking...and suddenly she's inside a church, walking toward the altar. She sits with the little girls in one of the pews, and when Father Chris makes an appearance, Donna asks him if God will still love her if she doinks David. He assures her that God will still love her...but that her uppity mother will probably have a fit. Donna wakes with a start, and then pokes David and orders him to go home.
One of the stops on Dean Cain's L.A. tour is the Peach Pit. He tells Brenda his fraternity brothers swear by this place, and that they serve a wondrous artery-hardening treat called the mega-burger. Brenda tries to resist entering, but he says he's starving and ushers her inside. Much to Brenda's horror, Dean Cain also insists that they seat themselves at the counter. Brandon happens to be working and is clearly amused to play along with Brenda's inane ruse of being a vacationing Parisian. Nat strolls over and, naturally, sticks his big fat nose into their private conversation...but he does such a poor job of pretending that Brenda is French, that Brenda finally cracks under the pressure and gives up on the jig. She reverts to her normal voice and blurts out to Dean Cain that she's really an American, and apologizes for lying to him and making a huge ass out of herself since the moment they met...then flees the diner. As Dean Cain is processing all of her lies, Brandon wryly tells him that his twin sister has always had a flair for drama. Suddenly, Dean Cain jumps off the stool and chases after Brenda - but as soon as he reaches the door, she re-enters the diner. She tells him she's been wanting to tell him the truth but was scared he'd hate her. Dean Cain, however, shows no signs of being even the slightest bit annoyed; in fact, he plants a big smooch on her lips and tells her that while he liked Brenda Dubois, he thinks he can fall in love with Brenda Walsh. There's really no hope for this hapless masochist.
Church. Donna drops by to have a heart-to-heart with Father Chris. He can tell she's been struggling with something, so she tells him about how she and David have been dating for a year, and that she's very attracted to him but doesn't know if she should start riding his baloney pony yet. Father Chris advises her to figure out what her heart is telling her to do, and that her love is a gift...blah blah...and does she want to give this precious gift to a boob like David? At the end of their talk, he encourages her to pray on it, and he promises that God will love her even after her cherry gets popped.
The Walsh house. After the L.A. tour, Dean Cain drives Brenda home and walks her to her door. She tells him it's a lot easier to talk to him without that horrible fake French accent. Yes, and it's also far less painful for everyone around you. Dean Cain tells her he loved the fake French accent, which only proves he's completely insane. He wants to see Brenda tomorrow, but she wavers and tells him she doesn't know. He reminds her what a gift it is that they found each other again, but Brenda reminds him that she has a boyfriend who she's seeing that evening. Dean Cain tells her that he hopes this boyfriend is worth throwing away their kismet.
Donna's house. David is annoyed that Donna blabbed to a priest about their non-existent sex life. She hands down her final decision about their sex life, and tells him that, as far as doinking goes, they'll have to wait at least until they're finished high school. (And then I think about three years after that.) David is disappointed, but he tells her he's OK with limiting their sexual contact to kisses and dry humping.
Hospital. Ahn-drea is sitting up reading when Brandon stops by for yet another visit, and he's pleased to see that she's recovering so well. She tells him that the police were just here, and that they revealed they have no suspects for the hit and run. All Ahn-drea can remember about the accident is a big loud silver car. She then shows Brandon the wheelchair she'll be using until her casts come off in about a month. For some reason he's taken aback that she's going to be wheeling around instead of using crutches.
Dylan's house. Dylan is slouched over his typewriter, composing an angry letter to the SAT Testing Service. Brenda tells him to just retake the damn thing, which gets him all bitchy and he accuses her of harping on that. She asks him why he's so angry and has to turn everything into a battle, and he snaps that she'd be angry too if someone accused her of cheating. He snarls that if she can't support him then she should just leave him alone, and so she retorts with, "Fine. I'll leave you alone" and he goes, "Good." Brenda tells him they should stop pretending that their fight is about the SAT, and confesses that her Paris fling is currently living in L.A. and that she spent the day with him. She then drops the bomb that she needs a break from his relentless moodiness. He perks up at this tidbit, immediately sensing an escape from their toxic dump of a relationship. He tells Brenda that she'd better mean what she's saying, 'cause this time he's not going to try and stop her. She insists that they can't go on like this any longer and begs him not to hate her, which I found amusing. As relief floods through every pore of Dylan's being, he hugs her and gives her one last kiss. And as Brenda leaves his house for the last time as his ball & chain, he slowly breathes the sweet, fresh scent of freedom.
West Beverly High. It's night time when Steve and Herbert break into the computer lab. Herbert boots up the computer, enters the password that Steve illicitly acquired, and within a few seconds he's inside the school's network. He accesses the grade bank files and brings up Steve's dismal record of Ds and Fs. He starts changing them to Bs when suddenly the system freezes. Herbert tells Steve he's locked out, and wonders aloud if some kind of silent alarm was just activated. Steve contributes to the crisis by banging on the computer monitor, and seconds later the screen goes blank. Panic sets in, and the two flustered idiots flee the building.
Kelly's house. Jackie enters Kelly's bedroom to inspect her newly blackened walls, and she sees that Kelly has descended further into her madness and is now sponge painting her walls green. She starts to tell her mom that she's going through some changes...but then their conversation gets interrupted by a call from Brenda, who delivers the breaking news that she and Dylan just broke up. Again. She tells Kelly about how things finally came to a head, and that Dylan confessed to seeing someone else last summer. Kelly nervously asks who the girl is, but Brenda says she doesn't know. Kelly says she thought the two of them would be together forever, then asks Brenda if she's doing this 'cause she now has Dean Cain waiting in the wings...which, d'yuh.
There's a knock at Kelly's door, and she assumes it's David and snaps that she's on the phone - but when she turns around, she's stunned to see Dylan standing in her doorway. She hurriedly gets off the phone with Brenda and asks him what he's doing at her house. He looks around at her freshly sponged walls and jokes that he came by to help her paint. He then fills her in on his breakup and tells her that Brenda told him they should start seeing other people...and that he thinks it's time he started seeing her. Yippee! He then pulls Kelly toward him and plants a sexy kiss on her lips.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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