Recap: Ahn-drea is having a disturbing dream that she's roaming the halls of West Beverly High in her birthday suit. Everyone is staring, pointing and laughing at her...but she doesn't realize she's naked until she runs into Brandon, who points at her mammaries and asks her why she forgot to get dressed that day. At that moment, a blaring alarm goes off, and Ahn-drea wakes up in a cold sweat. I'm also in a cold sweat because I now have to recap an episode that's structured almost entirely around Ahn-drea. Blech.
The next scene shows a city bus driving along a busy L.A. highway, which serves a reminder that Ahn-drea's daily commute from the Valley to West Beverly High is a long and arduous one. Like I care. When Ahn-drea arrives at school, she heads straight to The Blaze newsroom, dismayed by the sight of Brandon and Emily chatting and flirting with each other. Haha! In yer face! Brandon rushes over to Ahn-drea to inform her that he took it upon himself to submit one of her articles to The Times High School Journalism Competition. She immediately freaks out and reminds Brandon that this kind of exposure could lead to the discovery that she lives out-of-district...which ultimately means she'll get kicked out of West Beverly High. If only. Brandon calmly assures her that he used her grandmother's address for the contest entry, and points out that since no one from the competition has gotten in touch with her, it's unlikely she won.
The Peach Pit. A pretty blonde girl is seated at the counter, doing her best to give everyone the impression that she's waiting for someone. Steve approaches the counter to get some change for the jukebox, and he catches the blonde girl's attention. She eyes him curiously for a moment, then follows him over to the jukebox where she starts chatting him up. She introduces herself as Christine and complains about how the person who was supposed to give her a ride home hasn't shown up. Steve easily succumbs to Christine's vapid charm, and gallantly offers to give her a ride home. Christine is very grateful and insists on buying him something to eat, but then immediately rescinds the offer because she has to rush home and watch a re-run of her favorite show: The Hartley House, starring Samantha Sanders. What an unbelievable coincidence.
Steve's house. Steve and Christine are lounging on his bed together, watching the Hartley House re-run. Wow...that was fast. Christine lays it on like manure about how Samantha Sanders is her favorite actress, and that she can't believe Steve is her son. Steve, however, has zero interest in talking about his mother, 'cause his brain is currently being controlled by his penis and he's making every effort to round second base with this girl. Eventually Christine gets the hint, stops yapping, and dutifully starts French-kissing Steve back.
West Beverly High. A distraught looking Ahn-drea rushes up to Brandon in the outside corridor, but before she can get a moment alone with him, Mrs.Teasley comes upon them to congratulate Ahn-drea for winning the Times competition for her Blaze article. Mrs. Teasley tells her that the district public relations office will be sending some flunky named Mr. Kramer over to her house this afternoon so he can get some background information on her for their newsletter. Ahn-drea visibly pales...and once Mrs. Teasley is out of earshot, she has a meltdown and babbles at Brandon about how worried she is that her idiot grandmother is going to blow it for her.
Grandma Rose's apartment. Ahn-drea and Brandon drop by to give Grandma Rose a heads-up about her out-of-district school situation. Hey - Grandma Rose is the mother from My Big Fat Greek Wedding! but she's far less likeable on this show. Grandma Rose is a clueless, self-absorbed Jewish woman who insists on prattling nonsense to anyone who'll listen or can't get away fast enough. In this scene, she's prattling to Ahn-drea and Brandon about the groceries she just bought...and before Ahn-drea can get a word in edgewise, the doorbell rings. Fortunately, it's just a few of Grandma Rose's cronies who dropped by the apartment to play a game of Kalooki.
The cronies gush over Ahn-drea, and make the embarrassing assumption that Brandon is her boyfriend. She wishes. After exchanging a few quick niceties with the old ladies, Ahn-drea manages to pull her gabbling grandmother aside so she can warn her that any moment a Mr. Kramer will be stopping by to interview her about an article she wrote for The Blaze. She adds that they need to give Mr. Kramer the strong impression that she lives in the apartment. Grandma Rose gives her a cold stare and replies, "But you don't live here." Ahn-dea reminds her grandmother that she did allow her to use her Beverly Hills address so that she could enrol at West Beverly High, but Rose blows that off by saying she never wanted to get involved. She self-righteously tells Ahn-drea that she won't reveal to Mr. Kramer the truth about her living arrangements...but if he asks her a direct question, she'll sing like a canary, even if it means Ahn-drea will get thrown out of West Beverly High. I can see where Ahn-drea inherited some of her more douchey personality traits.
Mr. Kramer is conducting his home visit, glancing around the apartment suspiciously. He asks Ahn-drea where she sleeps, and she tells him on the couch. When he probes further and asks if it's a pull-out couch, Ahn-drea says yes at the exact same time Grandma Rose says no. Mr. Kramer glares at them skeptically and abruptly terminates the home visit. Ahn-drea knows she's screwed, and sadly challenges her grandmother as to whether or not she wants the best for her. Grandma Rose retorts, "Not if it means schlepping on a bus for the pleasure of cavorting with rich kids." Ahn-drea unwittingly opens a big can of whoop-ass when she points out that Grandma Rose once assumed a different identity...but that was in Nazi Germany when she was trying to avoid being sent to the gas chamber. Grandma Rose doesn't take kindly to this comparison, to say the least.
The Peach Pit. Steve and Christine are seated at a table together, making a sickening spectacle of themselves as they flirt and play kissy face. Kelly, who's seated with Donna at another table, is revolted by the display...yet she can't seem to stop herself from glaring at the canoodling couple. She bitches to Donna about how much she dislikes and distrusts Christine and thinks the girl has no class. Steve, meanwhile, asks his conniving lovebird if she wants to get together on Saturday night, but she tells him she already has plans. However, when he produces two REM tickets for Saturday night, she squeals excitedly and immediately cancels her fake plans to free herself up for the concert. The phony exchange is too much for Kelly, who can no longer bring herself to stare daggers at the two of them. She gets up and storms out of the Pit.
West Beverly High. Ahn-drea is walking down the hallway with Brandon and Dylan, idly listening to the two as they make plans to go dune buggying over the weekend. They run into Steve and ask him if he wants to go, but he tells them he'll be busy taking Christine to the REM concert. Kelly, who's standing nearby, overhears this and loudly declares how nauseating his relationship with Christine is. When Steve starts sniping back, Kelly says she'd rather discuss the matter in private. For some reason, Steve wants everyone to hear about how Kelly hates Christine 'cause she's not rich enough. He then sticks his foot all the way in his mouth when he defends Christine by saying, "It's not like she lives in the Valley" which, of course, offends Ahn-drea, who's dirt poor and does live in the Valley. Ouch. As Steve tries to recover from his faux pas with a half-assed apology, David Silver bounds over to tell Ahn-drea that Mrs. Teasley is looking for her. Duhn duhn duhn!
Vice Principal's office. Mrs. Teasley is reading part of Mr. Kramer's report to Ahn-drea, which states that he is unable to complete the profile for their newsletter because he doesn't believe Ahn-drea really lives with her grandmother. Mrs. Teasley informs a rattled looking Ahn-drea that she has no choice but to initiate a formal inquiry, which means that an investigator will be assigned to make a house visit and verify that Ahn-drea does, in fact, live at her grandmother's Beverly Hills address. She adds that she's not worried about any of this because up until now she has totally bought into Ahn-drea's story about her living arrangements. It's funny that as Mrs. Teasley is saying this, Ahn-drea looks visibly nervous, frightened, and seconds away from jumping out of her own skin.
Afterward, Brandon is waiting around for Ahn-drea while she talks to her grandmother on a pay phone. After she hangs up, she tells Brandon that Grandma Rose is letting her move in this weekend. She then breaks down and blubbers about how she doesn't know if she can go through with this. Brandon tells her he feels bad for submitting her article in the competition, which he probably should since none of this would be happening if he'd minded his own business. But now that his actions have led to Ahn-drea facing possible expulsion, it's hard to get too mad at him.
REM concert. Steve and Christine arrive at the concert hall in a swanky limousine. They march past a long line of people waiting to get in, passing David Silver along the way. I assume that Steve was able to wrangle special passes or something.
Grandma Rose's apartment. As Ahn-drea and Grandma Rose make up the couch for bed time, they carry on an inane conversation about the merits of wearing a bathrobe versus not wearing a bathrobe. Ahn-drea apologizes for bringing up Grandma Rose's World War II assumed identity the other night, and her apology is accepted. The phone then rings and it's Ahn-drea's mother. After the call, Ahn-drea and Rose get into an argument about a conflict that exists between Grandma Rose and Ahn-drea's mother. Meh. I find it hard to get remotely interested in this sub-sub plot because a) we've never even seen Ahn-drea's mother and don't know for sure she exists, b) the source of their friction has never been adequately explained, and c) any peripheral storyline involving Ahn-drea is guaranteed to be a bore.
REM concert. After the concert, Steve and Christine leave the hall. She immediately starts bitching at Steve for not scoring backstage passes, and David doesn't help matters when he runs over to them and brags about how he got autographs from all the band members by sneaking backstage. Christine shoots Steve the stink-eye, then directs her vitriol at their "stupid limo driver" for being late. She orders Steve to not tip the lazy slacker just as the limo pulls up to collect them. Once inside, Steve hints that he'd like to get it on in the back of the limo, but Christine isn't into it because she's still pissed off at him for no logical reason. In an attempt to elevate her dark mood, Steve offers to take her jewelry shopping, which prompts Christine to instantly perk up and coo about how generous he is. They exchange insincere I love yous, and she's now totally open to getting it on with him in the limo. Steve presses the button that raises the privacy screen between them and the driver so that he can't watch their hanky panky. As if he'd want to. Ew.
West Beverly High. It's lunch hour, and the gang is in the process of assembling themselves under a tree. Steve strolls over and mentions that he and Christine have plans to go out with Dylan and Brenda. Kelly snidely asks if this is a double date and scornfully calls it "schmushy". For someone who claims to have no interest in schmushing Steve herself, Kelly really is acting like a catty, jealous ex-girlfriend. Steve gets mad at her bitchy comments and leaves, so Kelly asks the group if she's the only person who can see through Christine for the phony she is. Well, yes - but then no one besides Kelly appears to be interested enough in Steve's life to study Christine long enough to assess the deficiencies in her personality and then warn him he's dating a gold digger.
Ahn-drea, meanwhile, is spaced out and looks very sad. Now that she has to live with her douchey grandmother, she doesn't get to see her family anymore, has no privacy, and worries that she'll have to change schools. She's terrified that Grandma Rose, the walking time bomb, is going to blow it with the investigator. Donna candidly asks Ahn-drea if attending West Beverly High is really worth all this hassle, and this sparks a huffy lecture from Ahn-drea about how none of them realize how good they have it, and how they're all rich and spoiled, blah blah. After some minor probing by Brenda, Ahn-drea reveals that the main reason she's so upset is that no investigator with a brain is going to believe she's anything but an overnight guest at her grandmother's apartment. Kelly perks up at this revelation and offers to help fix Ahn-drea's problem by giving Grandma Rose's apartment a makeover! And so, after school, Kelly, Donna, and Brenda come over to the apartment and rearrange Rose's tacky furniture, then replace her old lady wall hangings with a Dirty Dancing poster. Yep, now it totally looks like a teenager lives there. Things get a little weird, though, when Brenda makes a complimentary remark about a photo of Ahn-drea and her mother, and Grandma Rose reacts by making a face and stalking out of the room.
The Walsh house. It's double date night, and Brenda and Dylan are in the kitchen preparing dinner. Brenda remarks to Dylan that she's never seen Steve so happy...since up until now he's either been hung up on Kelly or chasing bimbos. I find it amusing that Brenda is implying that Christine isn't a bimbo. A few minutes later, Steve and Christine enter the kitchen, and Christine is disappointed to learn that they'll be eating in. She likes being waited on (no duh) and doesn't like doing all the grunt work necessary to prepare a meal, and/or wash the dishes afterward. Not that it's likely she'll volunteer to pitch in with either task. She and Brenda take a break from the kitchen to go upstairs to sift through Brenda's closet. They start chatting about clothes and shopping, and Christine points at the chic black dress she's wearing and tells Brenda that Steve bought it for her. For her next gift, she wants Steve to buy her a pair of diamond earrings...and for the gift after that, she'd like him to treat her to a trip to Hawaii. Mmm...Hawaii. That would make a sensational gift. Brenda is taken aback by the brazen opportunist standing before her, and she points out to Christine that she really hasn't known Steve very long. Christine invokes the movie Pretty Woman, and compares herself and Steve to Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, so naturally Brenda reminds her that Julie Roberts was playing a prostitute. Christine's retort is, "Yeah, but she looked great, don't you think?" That she did, Christine. That she did. This inane conversation raises Brenda's hackles enough to accuse Christine of using Steve. And speaking of Steve, he chooses that exact moment to enter the room. Christine announces to him that she wants to leave, and then pissily storms off. Brenda strongly advises Steve to let this gold digger go, and tells him that Christine openly admitted to using him. Steve doesn't believe Brenda, calls her a bad friend, and tells her that he plans to see a lot more of Christine. What a dumb bonehead.
Grandma Rose's apartment. Ahn-drea is in the living room, talking to her mother on the phone. Grandma Rose suddenly breaks out the vacuum cleaner and starts vacuuming the carpet so that Ahn-drea has to cut her call short. As soon as Ahn-drea is off the phone, she asks her passive-aggressive troll of a grandmother to stop vacuuming so that they can have an adult conversation about all the bad blood that exists between her and her mother. Grandma Rose starts railing about how Ahn-drea's mother has no respect for her, which upsets Ahn-drea so much that she starts packing her things. She tells Grandma Rose that she's tired of living this charade and doesn't care anymore if she gets busted by the investigator. Right now she has to leave for school, but she'll be back that afternoon to pick up the rest of her things. Grandma Rose finally looks like she feels bad about her shitty behavior and tearfully pleads for Ahn-drea to come back - but to no avail.
The Blaze newsroom. Ahn-drea is on the computer, composing her letter of resignation as editor-in-chief. Yay! Hurray! Woot woot! Brandon enters the newsroom, sees what she's writing, and asks her what happened. Ahn-drea tells him that she's going to leave West Beverly High willingly...which inspires Brandon to impulsively offer to let her live at the Walsh house and use their address in order to legally attend their school. I don't really think that's his call, but fortunately it's a non-issue because she flatly turns him down. She tells him she was just starting to feel like one of the gang...and that she now knows there's a lot more to them than their clothes and cars. (Really? There is?) With her dreary out-of-district problems still unsettled, Steve enters the newsroom with a crisis of his own. He tells Brandon that ever since Brenda told him what a shameless user Christine is, he's been seeing her in a whole new light. Turns out she's obsessed with money! He's disappointed in her, and regrets that he fell for her because of a desperate need to cling onto any cute girl who's willing to look past his unsightly white boy 'fro and give him some canoodling in the sack.
Jewelry store. As Steve and Christine browse the inventory of the jewelry store, Steve invites Christine to guess which trinket he bought for her, and naturally she selects a pair of exorbitantly priced diamond earrings. He says no and then presents her with a box...and upon opening it, she's disappointed to find a modest looking bracelet that is clearly on the cheaper end of her preferred jewelry budget. She looks at Steve grumpily and complains that it's not special...which finally makes Steve feel disgust for her shallow greediness. He declares that he doesn't want to give the bracelet to her anymore, and accuses her of pretending not to know who he was the first day they met. She unwittingly verifies this assumption, so Steve abruptly says goodbye to her and wishes her a nice life. Good job, dumbass.
The Peach Pit. Steve enters the diner and sits at the counter. Brandon, who's there working, mentions to him that later on he's going to be helping Ahn-drea move back home. Steve goes over to the jukebox, where Ahn-drea is brooding, and wallows to her about his breakup with Christine. He then asks Ahn-drea if she likes him, and her hilarious response is that underneath his rude exterior is a little boy who likes to have fun...and that he's kinda cute. Steve acknowledges that he needs to work on acting in a less obnoxious fashion, and apologizes to her for his insulting comment about the Valley. He then pleads with Ahn-drea not to leave West Beverly because she's needed at the school. She thanks him for his kind words, and he proceeds to push his luck by asking Ahn-drea if she thinks he's sexy. Since they both burst out laughing, I'll take that as a definitive no.
Grandma Rose's apartment. A downcast Ahn-drea enters the apartment and finds her grandmother in the living room chatting it up with the investigator, who is a young-ish, much more pleasant looking person than Mr. Kramer. It looks like she's concluding her home visit, because she gets up, gathers her things and tells Ahn-drea that she'll be following up in three weeks...and that her report will be favorable. As soon as she leaves, Ahn-drea hugs Grandma Rose, who tells her that she should be able to go to school where she wants. Doesn't seem like the West Beverly district school board would agree with that. Ahn-drea now tries to resolve the conflict between her mother and grandmother, and goes over to the phone. She dials her home number and hands the receiver to Rose. After opening the conversation with whiny complaints about her various aches and pains, Rose begins to have a civil chat with Ahn-drea's mother.
The Peach Pit. The gang is crowded around a table, and they're all admiring the giant "Good Luck" cake that was purchased in Ahn-drea's honor. They ordered this for her when they thought she might be leaving West Beverly High. Sigh. Kelly looks across the diner and notices Steve moping by himself at the counter. She goes over to talk to him, and he apologizes for not listening to her and taking her advice about Christine. Kelly offers to help cheer him up by accompanying him to a movie. He takes her up on it, and the two of them head out.
Ahn-drea, meanwhile, cuts into her celebratory cake and shares it with her rich friends. I guess this means she's here to stay. Blech.