Recap: Donna and Kelly are at the Walsh house, hanging with Janet as she pores over her wedding to-do list. She complains that it's impossible to get a final guest count when her parents refuse to call her back...and she also has no idea if Steve's parents are planning to attend, since Samantha is currently in London, while Rush is on a singles' cruise. The three gals then stare over at Steve, who's sleeping peacefully on the couch (while dreaming of a bachelor party in a raunchy strip club). After Donna and Kelly head out, Janet pokes Steve awake so they can go over the details of the reception...and in his horny frame of mind, he pulls her atop him so the two can indulge in a smoochfest.
After Dark. Dylan is meeting with Andrew, the guy who works at the Community Center. He's writing Andrew a hefty donation check when Gina breezes in and chirps, "Hi honeybun!" When Dylan hands Andrew the check, Andrew tells him he could really use his help coaching basketball, but Dylan says he's far too mopey and slouchy to want to be hands-on with the inner-city kids, and prefers to contribute to the center by doing nothing more than writing checks. Andrew implores him to reconsider...and after he leaves, Gina gives Dylan a smooch and says how cool it would be if the two of them volunteered at the center together...like a couple who actually liked each other might.
The Peach Pit. Kelly snarks at David about his pig of a father who was consorting with the strippers at the After Dark's Stripper-o-rama. She tells him that Jackie is so humiliated by his philandering that's she's finally put an end to their unholy coupling. When Gina breezes over and asks whassup, David tells her - in an obnoxious, mocking tone - that Jackie threw Mel out of the house 'cause he saw a pair of naked boobies. Gina fake gasps and wonders how on earth Jackie found out about his strip club hopping, and Kelly says she has no idea and didn't want to ask. Gina, who doesn't seem to grasp (or care) that her role in this domestic breakup will likely be revealed to all in the next day or so, points out that this whole thing is Noah's fault...and speaking of Noah, he comes over to inform Kelly that he'll be moving into the beach house soon so that he and Donna can finally cohabitate. When Kelly looks less than enthused at the prospect, Gina cackles about how "life is full of disappointments" and Kelly shoots her the stink-eye and snarls, "Go to hell!"
The Walsh house. Janet is decorating the nursery when she suddenly breaks down and cries about how much she hates the thought of being a lumbering bride...and Steve dutifully assures her she's beautiful and has no reason to feel insecure. Janet wails about how their wedding planning is going nowhere and makes Steve promise they'll set a date soon. Steve says he'll get right on that - as soon as he's done helping Noah move into the beach house.
Dylan and Andrew have just finished up dinner at a restaurant, and are strolling down the street together. Andrew tells Dylan that he's prolly going to quit the Community Center at the end of the month, 'cause he figures that sooner or later people are going to twig onto the fact that he's gay and object to him spending time mentoring children. Dylan gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder and assures him that he certainly doesn't share that homophobic sentiment. Suddenly, a baseball bat wielding freak jumps out of nowhere, shouts, "Faggots!" and rushes at Dylan, while two other hoodlums attack Andrew. Dylan, of course, is able to deftly avoid getting struck, gives the moron the shit kicking he deserves, then subdues him with the baseball bat. Andrew, unfortunately, doesn't fare as well...and he's laying on the street, bloodied and seriously injured.
The Walsh house. Steve arrives home and finds Janet slumped on the floor of the nursery, clutching a paint roller. She moans about how they're behind schedule...and he pries the paint roller out of her hand and says they need a new approach to wedding planning asap.
Beverly Royale Hotel. After being treated for non life-threatening injuries in the Emergency Room, Dylan tells Andrew that the ring leader won't give up his buddies, so he (Andrew) will need to give the police a statement. Andrew says he doesn't want to speak out, 'cause then the jig will be up with his employer and he'll have no choice but to fully come out of the closet. Gina enters the room and asks Andrew whassup with all the bruises, and he tells her he was just in a car wreck, then bids them both good night and heads home. Gina excitedly tells Dylan that her mom invited the two of them to visit her in Denver...but Dylan makes a blech face and says he's not into that idea at all. Gina sighs and asks him if he even knows anything personal about her, and he just rolls his eyes and mumbles, "I'm tired." She presses ahead and says he doesn't know anything personal about her 'cause he never asks, then professes her love for him. He grumbles, "That's not fair" and she snaps, "No kidding!" and storms out. Please break up.
Steve and Janet summon the 90210 gang to the After Dark to inform them - surprise! - that they've planned a day-long scavenger hunt for them! That...seems like a major imposition to put upon a group of (mostly) employed adults with no advance notice, but OK. The gang is divided into three teams, and they'll all be expected to race around town to find clues that lead to the next clue, and so on, until they reach a final destination. Janet then says that if any of them are desperate enough to just throw in the towel on the whole dumb thing and want to be directed to the final destination, there's an emergency number they can call. I'm genuinely surprised that Dylan refrained from whipping out his cell phone at that moment and dialling the number.
Kelly, who's paired with Noah and David, rails about Mel being a pig. David says he doesn't think a lap dance is that big of a deal and blames Jackie for breaking up the family - but Kelly snaps back that she's doing that 'cause she's sick of his wandering eye. Noah just stays quiet and stares out the window in mute desperation.
Donna and Matt make it to scavenger hunt location #1: a copy center. The two are tasked with putting together a calendar, and then photocopy their butts. After that, we get a pointless montage of the two photocopying various body parts...and at one point, Donna is standing atop the copier, making a copy of her shoe soles. I'm surprised that the copy center staff didn't tell her to get the fuck off the machine before she breaks it.
David, Noah, and Kelly arrive at the copy center...and Noah begs Donna to trade places with him 'cause Kelly's being a major douche. Donna agrees and tells a confused David that they're off to find clue #3. Oh joy..
As Dylan and Gina drive to the copy center, Gina spots a little dog dodging traffic. She orders Dylan to stop the car so they can help the pooch, but he refuses 'cause he's a heartless monster. Please break up.
Noah and Matt are driving around with a blow-up doll in their car...and I must have zoned out during this episode at some point, 'cause I have absolutely no idea why they're in possession of a blow-up doll. A police officer on a motorcycle pulls up beside them, stares over at them curiously, and orders Matt to pull over.
David, Donna, and Kelly arrive at a house that's decked out with an insane amount of Christmas decorations and find their next clue. As they read it over, the old lady who lives in the house comes out and asks whassup with them loitering on her front porch. Donna tells her that she's under investigation for all of her over-the-top Christmas decorations...but when the old lady doesn't look convinced, Kelly 'fesses up and tells her they're on a scavenger hunt, and the old lady gets very excited at getting tangled up in this dumb storyline. Minutes later, Gina and Dylan arrive at the house...and Gina promptly ditches Dylan and gets into David's car, and the two drive off. It looks like Dylan is now scavenger hunt teammates with Donna and Kelly.
Andrew calls Dylan on his cell and tells him that the police caught the other two hooligans who attacked them, and they're going to need someone (e.g. Dylan) to ID them in a lineup. After the call, Donna and Kelly ask Dylan whassup, so he tells them he got into a scrap yesterday and is therefore not in the mood to be on a scavenger hunt. Kelly asks him whassup with him refusing to break up with Gina (right??), and he just shrugs and says they're having fun...even though there doesn't appear to be much fun going on in that toxic hookup. Kelly lectures him on the importance of being with the right person and haughtily says she's surprised that he'd be willing to settle for less.
David and Gina locate the lost dog and bring him to the nearest veterinarian's office. The vet takes him to the exam room to look him over, and Gina tells David she'd like to stick around and make sure the little guy's OK. She then grumbles about what a sucky "boyfriend" Dylan is, citing his disinterest in meeting her mother and his unwillingness to stop for the dog. She stares at David longingly and says, "I wish Dylan was more like you." No you don't, please break up.
Donna, Kelly, and Dylan are in a mattress store...and Dylan is decked out in a onesie (it's not adequately explained why, or maybe my brain tuned it out). He leaps onto one of the beds and urges the salesman to join him - which, incredibly, he does, and Kelly snaps their photo. Meanwhile, the old lady at the Christmas house tells Noah and Matt to give up on trying to win the scavenger hunt, then cackles, "My girl Donna's going to win!" Of course she is. She's the world's sweetest, smartest, most resourceful cherub.
The vet brings the dog out and tells Gina she called the owner, who's on her way. Gina gets annoyed that the vet would just hand over the dog to the negligent person who let the poor thing roam around in traffic and declares that she's taking the dog (!) and will decide if the owner is reliable enough to regain custody of her pet. She leaves her number with the vet, scoops up the dog, and flounces out of the clinic with David. I now fear for that pooch.
The 90210 gang, minus David and Gina, arrive at the scavenger hunt's final location: a lovely historical park. Noah and Matt admit that they gave up on the scavenger hunt fairly easily and called Janet's emergency number to get this address. After Gina and David arrive, Nat plugs in some lights, plays Here Comes the Bride on a small boombox, and gets his camera ready. Steve, Janet, and the pastor suddenly appear several feet away and announce to the gang that they've arrived at their surprise wedding! Hurray! The two exchange tearful vows, while Nat snaps photos. When Steve and Janet are pronounced husband and wife, everyone is all ooooh, awwww and applauds.
Janet and Steve host a small wedding reception for the 90210 gang at the Beverly Royale Hotel...and they all gabble about how fun the scavenger hunt was. Janet explains that the calendar that Donna and Matt made is "something blue", the mattress Dylan and the salesman were laying on is "something new" (the happy couple just bought it, apparently), the Christmas lights taken from the old lady's house are "something borrowed", and the wedding venue was "something old". Dylan offers a toast to the happy couple, who then hit the dance floor so they can romantically sway against each other. Janet tells Steve that while she's bummed that her parents aren't here, she's super happy...and he beams at her lovingly and concurs. Noah tries to make nice with Kelly, then explains to her that strippers are people too and that they need to make a living in order to support their families. Like, Trina, for instance...who jiggles her naughties every night so she can afford food for her children. Kelly's like, "Whatever" and huffily flounces off...then gazes longingly at Janet and Steve and murmurs, "I want that." Matt, who doesn't seem to grasp that by that she really means Dylan, tells Kelly he'll fix it with Janet to ensure that when she throws the bouquet, it'll land in her hands. Once Matt is out of earshot, Dylan slithers behind Kelly and tells her that Janet doesn't hold a candle to her on her wedding day, and then slouches off and apologizes to Gina for being such an asshole about the dog and having zero interest in meeting her mother. Gina says she probably shouldn't have moved into the hotel, then explains that she only did it to be closer to him. Dylan warns her that he doesn't see them ending up like Steve and Janet...so she storms off, finds David, and asks him to take her somewhere. David declines and says he doesn't want to repeat the subplot in which he hangs with her and gets all hopeful about them becoming a couple, only to watch her get back together with Dylan.
Kelly, Donna, and Noah go back to the Christmas house to return the lights they borrowed from the old lady. After Kelly calls it a night and leaves, Donna contorts her giant lips into a serene smile and tells Noah she'd really like to help out Trina. Noah's like, "Huh?" then says he just made up that story so that Kelly would stop being so judgey about the strippers he hired - LOL - and Donna scrunches her big face in disappointment.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan and Andrew are hanging out, enjoying some beers. Andrew says he's been telling people he was in a fender bender...but then one day his boss Patsy dropped by the apartment to check on him, and was horrified to find him canoodling with his lover. She ordered him to take a few weeks off, and Andrew correctly assumes that this meant she wants him to permanently remove himself from the Community Center.
David and Gina are in bed, bumping uglies, and that's all I'm going to say 'bout that.
Kelly drops by Dylan's room to ask him what in the blazes he was talking about when he told her how gorge she looked on her wedding day, so he explains that he had secretly flown in to L.A. that day...and lurked around in what must have been a disguise, 'cause none of his friends appeared to be aware of his presence. He describes her dress and the way her hair looked...then says he got so upset at the thought of her marrying someone who wasn't him that he couldn't bear to stay, so he jetted back to Europe (or wherever). Kelly stares contemplatively into space as she turns and slowly ambles down the hall.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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