Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 10, Episode 15

"I no longer serve a purpose on this show, so yeah...somebody may as well kidnap me."

"Fertile Ground"
Original airdate: 1/26/2000

Episode summary: Dylan gives Gina a tip about a broadcasting job, but it doesn't pan out. Matt's brother and sister-in-law ask him to donate his sperm 'cause his brother's sperm isn't getting the job done. Shane and his henchman kidnap Noah in an effort to hustle money so that Josie's drug dealer won't kill her.

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Recap: Donna is at home sketching, and the living room is strewn with grisly looking sketches of forthcoming Donna Martin originals. Kelly enters the room and squeals, "Ooooh! The fall line!" - LOL - then tells her she's changed her mind yet again and has decided she's definitely, for sure, absolutely leaving the boutique. Donna purses her lips together in dismay and says that while she's scared and sad to go it alone, she's OK with it if that's what she really wants. She then whimpers about how they no longer have anything binding them together and says she already misses hanging with her at the store every day.

After Dark. Dylan finds Gina moping at the bar and tells her he knows a guy named Russell who runs the Super Sports Channel, and that he may be interested in hiring her. Gina snarks about him already ruining one good job opportunity...and Dylan tosses the guy's business card at her, says it's up to her if she makes the call, and slouches off. A solemn looking Noah spots Dylan and ushers Shane and Josie over so that Shane can tell Dylan how distressed he is about Josie's situation. Apparently, the police raid caused her to flush 90K worth of blow down the toilet to avoid getting arrested - but now her dealer is threatening to kill her if she doesn't come up with the cash to cover the value of the flushed dope. Noah grimly nods at Dylan and says he can vouch for the extreme danger she's in. Dylan pulls Noah aside, makes it clear he doesn't give a rat's ass about Josie's drug woes, then advises him to dump the gruesome twosome asap and find a better class of party friends. 

The Walsh house. Matt and Kelly are getting the spare bedroom ready for an impending visit from Matt's brother and sister-in-law: Patrick, and his wife Julianne. Matt says he's nervous about hanging with Patrick 'cause he's a rich, successful bond trader...while he, on the other hand, is a dimwitted, out-of-work ambulance chaser who can only afford to buy his fiancee a very small diamond ring. When Patrick and Julianne arrive, they check out the Walsh house and are like, "Wow!" - but Matt explains that he just rents one of the bedrooms. Hopefully he's paying this rent to Mama and Papa Walsh, who implausibly abandoned this valuable property asset when they disappeared to Hong Kong, rarely to be heard from again. Patrick asks Matt how work is going, and Matt evasively retorts that both he and Kelly are currently on vacation.

Now Wear This. Donna is busy serving the many customers who keep flooding into the boutique to shop for Donna Martin originals. Kelly drops by wanting to discuss Patrick's visit, but Donna says she's too busy at the moment...and will also be busy later, 'cause she's attending a buyer meet and greet now that she (Kelly) has left her high and dry to take care of the business end of things.  

Gina arrives at Russell's swanky home to interview for the Super Sports Channel job. Russell tells her he's looking for someone exactly like her on the broadcast - but first he needs her to do something totally unrelated to the job and somewhat on the demeaning side: whip Michael (his chubby son who's slouching on a nearby couch and shooting his dad the stink-eye) into shape for an upcoming dance. Gina's all, "Wha-a-a?" and Russell dickishly says he won't even consider her for the plum journalism job until after she performs this service to his satisfaction.    

Donna is networking at the buyer's meet and greet. She meets a stunning blonde named Camille Desmond (actress Josie Davis, who - strangely enough - was also cast as Madeline in the Crimes and Misdemeanors episode). She tells Donna she works at a magazine called L.A. Fashion and that she interviewed her about the boutique about a year ago. She gushes about how fantastic her designs are, and that she'd loooove to write a profile on her for the magazine. As Donna digests that, a bland looking buyer named Dan comes over and mumbles that he's interested in placing an order for some Donna Martin original sweaters. Squeal! Break out the winter line!

The Walsh house. Steve and Janet arrive home as Noah and Darby are in the living room, feverishly getting it on. Janet stares at the horndogs in dismay and orders Noah to get the hell out of her house.

Matt is out to dinner with Patrick and Julianne, and the three are discussing Patrick's low quality sperm that has been preventing them from starting a family. They're in the process of shopping around for some livelier sperm and ask Matt if he'd be interested in donating his. He's all, "Wha-a?" and then stares back at them in stunned silence...'cause ick.

The Peach Pit. Noah finds Steve eating breakfast and apologizes for getting it on with Darby in his living room. Steve asks him if Darby has, by any chance, mentioned anything about their past doink...and when Noah says no and suggests that maybe she forgot it happened, Steve arrogantly chuckles and says that that's simply not possible. Noah points out that Darby may decide to blab about it to Janet, in which case he needs to tell his wife about the unfortunate encounter, like pronto.  

Beach house. Matt tells Kelly about Patrick's and Julianne's odd request, and Kelly stares at him incredulously and says she doesn't like the idea of him fathering his brother's child...not least because it's very weird to be both the uncle and bio dad to a poor tot. Matt says he told them he'd think about it, and that they'd make this decision as a team. Kelly promptly shuts it down, makes it bitchily clear that her answer is an emphatic no, and that there's no further decision to be made. Also, Matt can retrieve his shrunken balls out of Kelly's purse whenever she decides he can.

Gina gets Michael started on his fitness regimen by taking him out for a long walk. Michael complains about how his father is a total control freak and that he won't let him get an earring. He dejectedly adds that the old man would probably like him a lot more if he lost weight. Gina's like, "Whatever. You're just a stepping stone to my dream job" ... but then stops the walk, stares at the kid thoughtfully, and remarks on how awesome he'd look with an earring. She then encourages him to be a lot more assertive about telling his dad what he wants.

The Walsh house. Steve finds Darby straightening up the nursery and starts to ask her if she remembers a certain beer-fuelled KEG party several years ago - but then has to put a pin in that when Janet suddenly enters the room to nurse Maddy. When Darby rushes out to get some bottles, Steve decides to come clean and tells Janet he hooked up with Darby years ago at a frat party...and quickly assures her it was a meaningless romp. Janet looks appalled and snarks, "You had sex with the nanny?!" and a sheepish Steve is like, "Uh, d'yuh."

Kelly finds Patrick hanging out in the mall courtyard, puffing on a cigarette. He bitchily tells her that Matt turned down his sperm donation request and that he knows it's 'cause of how hostile she is to the idea. Kelly's like, "Uh, sorry - but your inept sperm problems aren't our problem."

Beach house. Donna tells David she's going out on a date tonight with Bland Dan from the buyer's meet and greet. When Bland Dan arrives to pick her up, David attempts to chat with him, but throws in the towel when he proves to be too awkward a conversationalist. A few seconds after they leave, Camille drops by looking for Donna. When David tells her she's out, she says she just wanted to let Donna know that her editor looooves the story she wrote about Donna in L.A. Fashion (because of course he does, it's Donna)...and then she and David suddenly start gazing into each other's eyes all smitten-like.

On the Walsh house porch, Kelly bitches at Matt for telling Patrick that she told him to say no to the sperm donation request. She rails about how he failed to protect her and would have preferred he lie to his brother rather than tell him that she was the reason. Matt's like, "But you are the reason my brother isn't getting my sperm" and says he feels bad that the one time his brother reaches out to him for help, he has to say no because of her. He barks at her to take responsibility for her close-minded bitchitude, then storms inside the house. Kelly stares mournfully into space.

Gina arrives at Russell's house to work out with Michael again, but Russell tells her he's displeased with her for criticizing his parenting and encouraging his son to get his ear pierced. He snarkishly tells her he won't be needing her services anymore, and that he filled the broadcasting job at the Super Sports Channel (likely with someone he didn't require to jump through any stupid hoops).

The Walsh house. Janet admonishes Darby for not disclosing that she's a nympho, then says she no longer trusts her to care for Maddy. After Janet stalks out of the room, Steve tells Darby they slept together, years ago at a frat party. Darby scrunches her face as she thinks very hard and says she doesn't recall any such doink, then accuses him of fantasizing about her. As she angrily flounces off, Steve looks a combination of miffed and incredulous that she genuinely seemed to have no recollection of hitting the sheets with him.

Now Wear This. David is hanging out with Donna, and the two discuss her boring date with Bland Dan, in whom she does not have the slightest spark of interest. Camille drops by, and she and David smilingly inform Donna that they met at the beach house last night, are instantly smitten, and are going to the movies together later!

After Dark. Gina tells Dylan she met with Russell, but that things didn't work out 'cause of how big a douche he turned out to be. She says he's a lot like her pushy, hard-to-please mother, then puts her sad face on and says that Michael is a sweet boy who just wants to go to a dance. She suddenly brightens and declares that, gosh darn it, she's going to personally make sure he gets there after all! Hurray!

The Walsh house. Kelly sheepishly apologizes to Julianne for putting the kibosh on Matt's sperm donation, and Julianne's like, "No worries. I would have reacted the exact same way." The camera then pans over to the living room, where Patrick is cooing over Maddy. Julianne gushes about what a great father Patrick will be one day...and this prompts Kelly to stare contemplatively into space as if she might possibly reverse her earlier no sperm edict.

The Peach Pit. Shane and Josie implore Noah to appeal to Dylan again to help Josie out of her jam...and Noah says he tried, but can't get Dylan to give even the tiniest of rat's asses about her predicament. Josie scrunches her face in misery and moans, "Oh my God, I'm dead.." and Noah shrugs and is like, "Sucks to be you, but I tried." Shane glares at him and warns him that if something deadly befalls his sister he would lash out in anger...and then the henchman sitting at the table glares at Noah and adds, "Hopefully it won't be directed at you." Noah springs up from his chair and tells the group that that stupid remark has just alienated him, and that he's done hanging out with such troubled losers. He snarls, "Have a nice day!" and storms out of the diner.

Now Wear This. Bland Dan drops by the store clutching a bouquet of flowers to give to Donna. He asks her to dinner tonight...but she tells him that that won't work 'cause she can't, won't, and will never feel the slightest bit of attraction to him. She asks him if this means he's going to cancel his order of sweaters, but he says he won't, and then quietly shuffles off. David clucks sympathetically at the poor sap and assures Donna that everything will eventually work out...and that she'll meet the perfect guy, live in the perfect house, and have perfect children. Donna looks doubtful, then suggests they blow off work to spend the day at the beach, but David says he can't 'cause he has plans to hang with Camille.

Kelly enters Matt's office and gabbles to him about how she wants to take responsibility...and by responsibility she means she's going to now encourage him to donate his sperm to his brother and sister-in-law, weird as that is. Matt perks up and is like, "Are you sure?" and she smiles and bobs her head. The two grin at each other, kiss, and hug.

Gina shows up at Russell's house decked out in a fancy evening gown and shawl...and when Russell answers the door, she defiantly tells him she has arrived to take Michael to the dance. Russell tells her that Michael isn't going, and Gina snarks, "Why? Is he not living up to your standards?" She reminds him that kids Michael's age need to have a little fun in their lives and that they shouldn't be criticized all the time...otherwise they could wind up like her: a self-hating, bulimic bitch. Russell suddenly looks contrite and says that Michael had a great mom...and that ever since she died, he's been a lost man and a total dickwad of a father. Gina clucks sympathetically and urges him to do a better job of listening to his son...and he's like, "You're soo right, Gina. Thanks a million for helping me straighten up and fly right. Have fun with Michael at the dance!"

​Beach house. Donna tells Kelly that while she gets that things change in life, she's bummed about being alone at the store, and then alone in her personal life. Kelly attempts to cheer her up by reading aloud part of the profile Camille wrote about her in L.A. Fashion...which, of course, is nauseatingly gushy and glowingly refers to Donna as genuine. 

A happy Michael arrives at the dance with Gina on his arm. He asks her why she's doing this very nice favor for him, especially since his dad didn't give her the plum broadcasting job. She simply says, "Because no one ever did it for me." He happily tells her that his dad told him he's proud of him...and that it's been a long time since he's said anything like that. The two start dancing - but after a few seconds, Michael spots Nicole, aka the girl he's currently crushing on. Gina shoves him in her direction and orders him to ask her to dance, and naturally Nicole says yes and remarks on how cool his earring looks. Dylan unexpectedly slouches in...and when Gina asks what he's doing here, he says he's here to be her date, then credits her for "the good thing" she did here tonight.

After Dark. Noah has locked up the club for the night and is climbing into his jeep when Shane and his henchman suddenly appear. The henchman smashes the jeep's windshield, and then he and Shane violently pull Noah out of the front seat. Shane snarls, "You're going to get me the money I need!", then shoves Noah into his van, and the three men squeal off into the night.

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