Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 10, Episode 13

"Hey Dylan - we're about to do another round of shots out of each other's clavicles. You in?"

"Tainted Love"
Original airdate: 1/12/2000

Episode summary: Matt gets into ethics related trouble when he can't repay a client his retainer money 'cause he blew it all on Kelly's engagement ring. Noah starts partying with Josie and Shane, who both look like they're up to no good. Maddy is baptized.

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Recap: Matt has pulled back on his desire to win brownie points with Kelly by firing Gina...so he's gone ahead and rehired her, and she perkily arrives at his office carrying two coffees. Matt tells her he's just learned that the client he met with in the previous episode has settled his case and wants his retainer back...then wrings his hands worriedly and is all, "Oh no! I spent every cent of it on Kelly's engagement ring!" Dumbass.
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After Dark. A pretty woman sitting at the bar eyes Dylan appreciatively and tells him her name is Josie - but he just shrugs disinterestedly, tells the bartender to take her drink order, and slouches off...and Josie stares after him looking miffed. Kelly, meanwhile, points out a cute guy sitting at the bar, but Donna says she's happily single and is enjoying doing all the things she tends to give up whenever she's in a relationship and gets primarily concerned with pleasing the guy. A waitress brings over a bottle of champagne and tells them it's compliments of Dylan. *&#@%! Donna sadly remarks to Kelly that he obviously loves her enough to let her go...and then the two stare across the room at Dylan as he puts his sad face on, raises his glass to Kelly, and takes a sip. 


The next morning, Kelly seats herself beside Dylan at the Peach Pit counter and gabbles about how nervous she is about the baptism rehearsal. Dylan glumly grunts something incoherent, then shuffles after her as the two head out together to meet up with Janet and Steve at the church. 


Now Wear This. David drops by to get fitted for a Donna Martin original sweater - not sure why, exactly. He tells Donna that Mark, the dork who runs the coffee stand across the courtyard, has such a big crush on her that he's giving free coffee to all of her friends. He urges Donna to go for it, but she says she's not interested in dating anyone right now and just wants to wait for the right guy.


Church. The pastor gives an overview of the baptism logistics to Kelly, Dylan, Steve, and Janet...and the second he's finished, a bored looking Dylan grunts that he has an appointment and hightails it out of there. Janet looks dismayed and wonders aloud if Dylan is really interested in committing to being a godfather. Kelly assures her he is, and that he's only behaving like a moody teenager 'cause he's jealous about her and Matt's engagement...which doesn't exactly sound like mature, godfather-type behavior to me, but OK.


Matt is working the phones to bust the balls of his more negligent clients regarding their outstanding invoices. Kelly flounces in with a handful of travel brochures, plops herself onto his lap, and gabbles about her preferred choice of a honeymoon destination. Matt irritably says it isn't a good time and that he thought they were going to try to stay within a budget...like, along the lines of honeymooning in Mount Rushmore. Yikes. Kelly looks horrified and says she wants her wedding and honeymoon to be perfect (meaning not in Mount Rushmore), and Matt politely tells her to take a hike so he can finish his phone calls.


After Dark. Noah is slurping shots out of Josie's clavicle (you heard me) when Gina comes over, looks weirded out by the bizarre spectacle, and asks him if he knows where Dylan is. She finds him in the After Dark office and tells him she's in desperate need of $15,000 on behalf of someone who has been especially kind to her. Dylan agrees to write her a check, and remarks on how excited Kelly is about Maddy's baptism - and Gina responds by bitching about the way irresponsible adults make promises to babies they don't keep and calls it mean. As Dylan is handing her the check, she bitchily remarks on how he seems like a really good catch from afar...but close up he's just a bastard. The fuck? She sarcastically thanks him for the check, and Dylan somehow refrains from snatching it back and calling her out for her unprovoked bitchitude...and reminding her that he's still footing the bill for her luxurious hotel suite.


Josie and her creepy brother Shane have crashed at David's apartment for the night and are sacked out in the living room. A bleary eyed Noah tells David that the two partygoers kept him up all night, and David makes one of his funny looking grimaces and says he's not thrilled about a couple of shady strangers using his place as a crash pad. Noah starts moaning about Donna and asks David if she's seeing anyone...and when David just says she's doing well and is happy, Noah takes that to mean she has a new fella. 'Cause how could a stunningly sweet cherub like Donna possibly be on the open dating market for more than a couple of days without getting snapped up by a smitten suitor?


Now Wear This. Matt was too inept to find flowers after the flower shop he usually frequents was taken over by a fruit stand, so he bought Kelly a bag of oranges as an apology for being snappish to her the other day. Kelly poutishly says she can't shake the feeling that something is awful is about to happen and wishes he'd discuss it with her, but he breezily says it's just work stuff. When he goes upstairs to his office, Gina hands him the check for $15,000 and explains that she called in a few favors. He looks at the check longingly for a few seconds, but then says he can't accept it. She insists he take it, and points out that as the only working class characters on the show who didn't grow up rich, only they can truly appreciate the value of a dollar.


Now Wear This. Gina tells Donna she's decided not to attend the baptism and that she feels weird about Papa Martin being her godfather and father. Yeesh, that is a little weird. Donna, who's doing a fitting for David and his new fugly sweater, says she's still not talking to her parents for being such devious dicktards. David tells Donna he got another free coffee from Mark...and when Donna responds by asking him how Noah's doing, he tells her to forget about that loser and pursue Mark. Donna thinks it over, decides, "Why the hell not?" and heads over to the coffee stand and bravely asks Mark out.


The Peach Pit. Steve asks Dylan if he's OK with being godfather, then remarks on how much weirder than usual he's been acting lately. Dylan says he's fine and grumbles at him to get off his back...and Steve warns him that if he blows off the christening, he'll be off his back for good.


Restaurant. Donna is on her date with Mark, and she's nervously prattling nonsense. She takes a sip of coffee and makes a point of remarking on how good it is - and Mark suddenly gets all crestfallen and stares at her with a stricken expression, and the date goes further downhill from there.


After Dark. Josie is attempting to flirt with Dylan when Matt interrupts. He waves the $15,000 check at Dylan, tells him he knows Gina got the money from him, and snarkily says he doesn't want his stinking help. Dylan dickishly calls him out on squandering $15,000 on Kelly's diamond engagement ring, then laughs about the hilarious irony of him being the one financing it. Matt smugly reminds him that he's the true winner in this pissing contest 'cause he's the one Kelly's marrying...then struts off while high-fiving himself and shrieking, "Nailed it!" Dylan glares after him, then slouches over to Josie and tells her he's totes up for a revenge doink. Shane and Noah notice the two of them leaving together and chuckle at each other knowingly...which is partly icky, considering Shane is her brother.


Matt tells his client Marcus that he can only afford to pay him half of his retainer 'cause he blew the money on a diamond ring for his girlfriend. Marcus looks visibly annoyed and irritably reminds him that that's an ethics violation.


Kelly and Dylan meet up at a gift shop to pick out a christening gift for Maddy. Dylan derisively gestures at her engagement ring, then gets all bitchy snarky and tells her that he (pot) has been noticing that Matt (kettle) has been acting very weird lately.


Now Wear This. Donna tells David about her failed date with Mark, and David informs her that Mark is no longer giving her friends free coffee. Ouch. Donna can't think of what she might have said that offended Mark - except maybe when she remarked on how hot Bruce Willis is, despite his baldness. She concludes that Mark must be insecure about his impending baldness since he's a tad thin on top.


The Walsh house. Kelly tells Matt that Dylan was talking shit about her engagement ring, and Matt admits that he is short of cash at the moment...and by short of cash, he means flat ass broke. He explains that Gina got wind of his dire financial situation and asked Dylan to write her a check, which she then passed along to him. He then gives her the boring details of his retainer problem and says that technically he committed an ethics violation for using that money to buy the ring. Kelly starts to take the ring off - but he insists she keep it, which is dumb 'cause does it make any sense for anyone in their income bracket to be wearing a $15,000 engagement ring? Kelly takes it off and gives it back to him and says she wants to help him through this hardship, and Matt stares despondently into space.


Donna goes over to Mark's coffee stand and asks him if he had a good time last night. She babbles an apology about inferring that he was going bald, and he stares at her in horror and cries, "You think I'm going bald?!" then explains the real reason for his pouty attitude: she had complimented the restaurant's coffee during their date, and somehow took it as an insult of his coffee. What a wacko. He then babbles nonsensically about how hard he works to provide a peak coffee experience for his customers...blah blah...and I don't know why the writers have insisted on including a mind-numbing filler subplot in every damn Season 10 episode thus far.


Beverly Royale Hotel. Noah brings Josie, Shane, and a bunch of other partygoers to Dylan's hotel room...and Dylan looks less than thrilled at the intrusion. Gina drops by to contritely tell Dylan she was wrong to criticize the baptism and urges him to not make a promise he can't keep...'cause after all, the occasion is about Maddy. She gives Dylan a cross necklace and tells him that her godfather/father gave it to her, and suggests he give it to Maddy and says that a godfather can have a very positive impact on a child's life. 


Matt is summoned to a meeting with someone from the Bar Association, and he hangs his head in shame and admits that what he did with the retainer money was wrong. She's like, "Well, d'yuh" and snippily informs him that he's being suspended from practicing law for thirty days. Matt's all, "Wha-a?!" and says that that's going to kill his already shitty practice, but she just shrugs and makes it clear that she doesn't really give a rat's ass.


Donna tries to talk to Mark again, but he's still upset that she's not enthusiastic enough about his coffee, aka the greatest passion in his life. A few seconds later, he sees David walk by in his new Donna Martin original sweater and laughingly mocks the fugly thing - bwhahaha! - and Donna puts her hurt face on and tells him that she designed it. So...I guess that's that.


Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan is staring at the cross necklace that Gina gave to him the night before, while Noah, Josie, Shane, et. al. continue to drunkenly party around him. Dylan decides it's finally time to be a responsible adult and declines to slurp anymore shots out of anyone's clavicle 'cause he has a baptism to get to!

 
Church. The baptism is momentarily delayed while everyone waits for Dylan to slouch in. Steve is irked by his lateness, while a dismayed Janet says it's their own dumb fault for trusting the moody man-child. Matt, meanwhile, tells Kelly he's embarrassed by the sight of her downsized diamond engagement ring, but she assures him she doesn't mind 'cause it's a reflection of their willingness to help each other out. A few seconds later Dylan arrives, looking sharp in a well tailored suit, and asks, "Anyone need a godfather?" He admits that his record, particularly with some of the women present (Kelly, Gina), isn't a stellar one - then points out he's starting fresh with Maddy and promises to always be there for her. Until he gets too world weary and starts complaining again about how everyone wants "a piece" of him. He hands Janet the cross necklace and tells her he'd like Maddy to have it...and then the blessed ceremony gets underway.


Beach house. Donna returns home just as Noah is moving out the last of his boxes. They engage in some awkward chit-chat, stare at each other sadly...and when Noah shuffles off with his boxes, Donna gazes after him with tear-filled eyes.

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