The Hills - Season 5, Episode 9

Recap: Heidi meets up with Stephanie to report that Spencer proposed to her, like, for real...and that he has agreed to give her the traditional, princess wedding she's always craved. She adds that she really really wants Lauren to be in attendance at the wedding and would appreciate it if Stephanie could help make that happen...and when Stephanie points out that it'd be awkward to her 'cause Lauren just fired her from People's Revolution, Heidi just shrugs and breezily replies, "So? She can't re-fire you."

While out clothes shopping, Audrina and Lo discuss having received their invitations to attend The Speidi Wedding, along with their uncertainty about whether or not Lauren is planning to put in an appearance. Lo mentions the upcoming Nylon Young Hollywood party that most of The Hills' cast will be required to attend, and Audrina looks less than thrilled at having to go and says she hasn't seen Brody or Jayde lately...and is concerned that if she says hey to Brody, Jayde will automatically assume she's making a play for him.

Across town, Stephanie meets up with Lauren to assure her she's A-OK after being fired, and is currently focusing on her schooling. She informs Lauren that Heidi and Spencer are getting married soon and that Heidi really really wants her at the wedding. Lauren makes a meh face and says she has zero desire to be a part of it, and can't imagine why anyone would care if she was there or not. Stephanie insists that it matters a lot to Heidi - but Lauren makes it clear that she has no intention of doing anything that can be interpreted as her celebrating such an unholy coupling.

Spencer is at Majestic Golf Land, practicing his golf swing and informing Charlie that he got official permission from Heidi's bio dad to propose...and that he's going to need to make amends with Darlene and Lauren. He grumbles about how little he cares about Lauren attending his wedding and that he haaaaates the idea of apologizing to her [for being the driving force behind sex tape-gate], but Charlie urges, "Get over it. Bury the hatchet." 

Heidi, Holly, and Stephanie arrive at Monique Lhuillier to shop for a wedding gown. Heidi tries on several before deciding on the one: a strapless, Cinderella-inspired ballgown with an overlay of soft peacock feathers. Holly and Stephanie take pretend photographs and gush about how utterly perfect it is - before Stephanie drops the bomb that Lauren has no intention of attending the wedding. Heidi pouts and unconvincingly mumbles, "That's OK. As long as I have you guys."

Lauren, Audrina, Stephanie, and Lo meet up at The BLVD to reminisce about Stephanie's first appearance on The Hills. Stephanie sheepishly admits to being so snarly 'cause she was very protective of Heidi...and all four agree that, at one point or another, they've all hated each other, and that the root of all that hatred was Spencer. After chewing on that troubling nugget for several seconds, the foursome toasts to how far they've come, and agree that it's sooooo sad Heidi isn't sitting at the table with them. When the topic of The Speidi Wedding comes up, Lauren is surprised to hear that Audrina is [no doubt following the edict of the Hills' producers and] planning to attend. 

As the Nylon Young Hollywood party at the Roosevelt is in full swing, Audrina, Stephanie, and Lo are seated at a table, enjoying their drinks. Stephanie glances around nervously and says she hopes she doesn't run into Kelly Cutrone (who's hosting this client's party) - seconds before Kelly suddenly appears out of nowhere. Stephanie stammers about how hard it is to learn a job when the boss is never there, and Kelly amusedly retorts, "Are you going to blame me for your ineptitude?" (Lol...yes.) She breezily declares that the Stephanie Is So Incompetent She Gets Fired subplot is soooo over, and hastily ambles off. Audrina, meanwhile, frets about the presence of Brody and Jayde (who are sitting at the far end of their table) and says she's too afraid to even look in Brody's direction and say hi. 

As Jayde tells Frankie she'd love to smash Audrina's face with a bottle, Brody loudly declares that Jayde has every right to be upset about "the situation" [that he was instrumental in creating, but yet seems to feel no responsibility for], and that he couldn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses about being friends with Audrina 'cause he wants to focus all of his limited mental energy towards making things right with his violence-loving girlfriend. An appalled looking Stephanie asks Audrina if she'd like to flee this awkwardness, and so the two (+ Lo) get up and beat a hasty retreat. 

Over at Casa Montag-Pratt, Heidi tells Spencer she'd really really like him to apologize to Lauren for sex tape-gate so that Lauren can feel less weird about attending their wedding. Spencer objects to the notion of being forced to look "like a little punk" to Lauren...and when Heidi [somehow refrains from pointing out that that's generally how he comes across to any Hills viewer, and] urges him to put his ego aside and be the bigger person, he refuses and snappishly explains, "Because I'm not the bigger person." Big shocker there. Heidi suggests that perhaps he could be, and in the process grow up a tiny bit. She emphasizes that this apology would mean a lot to her, and insists, "You'd better do this for me."

Audrina has summoned Stephanie over to her house so that the two can concur about how what a giant douchewad Brody was when he openly trash talked her at the Nylon party. Audrina says she's over it and firmly declares that she doesn't need him in her life. Stephanie changes the subject and says she was soooooo stressed by the humiliating interaction she had with Kelly Cutrone...and then both wonder if Lauren could possibly change her mind and agree to attend The Speidi Wedding.

Heidi sashays over to People's Revolution to hand deliver a wedding invitation to Lauren, who says she doesn't fully grasp why she'd want her there. She comes right out and tells Heidi she thinks she's making a ginormous mistake by marrying a self-centered fucktwat like Spencer...and that sex tape-gate only proves what a cruel intentioned person he is. She reminds Heidi that he's poisoned her relationship with both her mother and Holly, and that she's given up everything to be joined to him at the hip. As Heidi tears up and laments how hard she's worked to be close to her family, Lauren clucks about how fortunate she felt to have her as a BFF in the pre-Hills days of yore, and that her special spark has drastically faded during the time she's been cohabitating with the malevolent Chucky doll lookalike. Heidi shrugs helplessly and squeaks that she's finally getting the wedding of her dreams, then gets up and sadly ambles out. 

Spencer faux dials Lauren's number as the camera pans over to where Lauren is "working" at People's Revolution. As he speaks to dead air, he claims that this is his first apology ever (which, in and of itself, is a rather disturbing admission) and that he regrets starting the sex tape rumor in Season 3. Lauren unintelligibly mumbles, "Mmm, dunno..." as Spencer implores her to indulge Heidi's need to attend their wedding. He then thanks her for faux hearing him out, and Lauren abruptly mutters, "Er, OK" before pretending to hang up on him. 

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