The Hills - Season 4, Episode 20

This City Hall wedding has all the charm and excitement of renewing one's driver's license

"I Heidi Take Thee Spencer"
Original airdate: 12/21/2008

Episode summary: Lauren and Heidi converse amiably during a Bolthouse event. Spencer agrees to hold off on a City Hall civil ceremony in order to give Heidi the wedding of her dreams. 

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Recap: Brent is meeting with Heidi and Kimberly to discuss their roles during the opening of the new SLS Hotel...and once that bit of faux business has been squared away, he asks them about their vacations. Kimberly says she went to Hawaii and had a fantastic time, and then Heidi shares that she went to Mexico and "kind of decided to get married". Brent responds with an incredulous, "Shut up!", and Heidi's like, "No really!" and says that she and Spencer got so drunk one night that they stumbled over to the nearest chapel to bind themselves together in holy matrimony. She adds that it's the craziest thing she's ever done, and Brent looks a mixture of befuddled and unimpressed, then shakes his head as he mutters, "Uh, all right..?" LOL.

Lauren and Lo arrive at a hair salon to get dolled up for a black tie event they're attending that evening...which, not coincidentally, is the opening of the new SLS Hotel. Lauren remarks on how Heidi will prolly be at the event, and that it's likely going to be totally weird 'cause she's only ever interacted with Heidi as a BFF or an archenemy and has no idea how to be anything in between. 

Justin is riding his motorcycle with Audrina snuggled up behind him as the two motor to Viceroy, a fancy resort in Palm Springs. When they settle into their bungalow, Audrina gushes about how beautifully lavish it is, while Justin repeatedly calls her "dude" [which I find irksome] and heads straight for the bar. The two guzzle champagne straight from the bottle and agree that they looooove getting away without the rest of the Hills posse in tow 'cause it's a lot more drama free...but also far less interesting for viewers to watch.   

"Do you miss vacationing with the rest of the Hills posse?"

"I'll let this expression be my retort."

Darlene is over at Casa Pratt, sitting on the couch and glaring over at Spencer as the two wait for Heidi to return home. A few seconds later, Heidi makes an appearance and gives her mom a hello hug...and Darlene tears up when she explains that she decided she had to drop in unannounced in order to surprise her. She asks Heidi whassup, so Heidi recaps that during the previous episode, she and Spencer flew to Mexico, guzzled a whole lotta tequila, and decided to elope. A grim-faced Darlene clucks about how a lot of people, aka those who helped raise and mold her, have been hurt deeply by the elopement...then tears up as she complains about how excluded she feels from her own daughter's life. When she asks Heidi if the union is even legal, Heidi decrees, "We're going to make it legal", and to that end adds that she and Spencer are planning on sealing the deal at City Hall tomorrow. She tells her mom she'd like her support - but Darlene just scrunches her face in mute sadness.

Back at the Viceroy, the dullards are lounging by the pool, bantering about whether or not the universe is in their favor, blah blah, and how comfortable Audrina feels with where they stand. Justin admits that he isn't able to connect with a lot of people - shocker - but that he does connect with her. As Audrina beams happily at that pronouncement, he produces a ring, calls her amaaaaaazing, and shakes her hand. Yes really. And no, this doesn't mean they're engaged.

SLS Hotel opening! Heidi greets Holly and Stephanie...and a few seconds later, the three spot the arrival of Lauren and Lo. As they wave over at the twosome, Heidi figures that since Lauren didn't give her the middle finger, she's interpreting that as encouragement to go talk to her. She promptly ambles over to Lauren to ask if they can have a private[ly filmed] conversation...and Lauren tells her it's fine, and then the two exchange pleasantries and agree that this interaction [that was no doubt was forced upon them by the Hills' producers] is awkward as fuck. Heidi shares that she and Spencer just got faux married and that she's sooooo happy, and Lauren breezily tells her that that's all that matters. When Lauren asks her how all of this is going over with Darlene, Heidi tears up and says that her all-consuming relationship with the Chucky doll look-alike has taken a heavy toll on her ma, and that the things her ma has said are "just a little bit irreparable". Lauren gives her a quick hug and reminds her what an amaaaazing mom she has...and Heidi agrees about all the amaaaazing people in her life, conceding that the only thing missing is their friendship - something she's under no illusion about is going to change anytime soon. Lauren doesn't disagree, then shrugs and mumbles, "It just is what it is. It's not always fair." The two then pontificate about the general swiftness of time, after which Lauren makes it clear that if she ever really desperately needed anything, she's here for her. Heidi says she knows, gives Lauren a goodbye hug, and pretends she has to get back to work.

"If you're ever desperately in need of something and have zero other options, I suppose I could be forced to be there for you if you held a gun to my head."

"How sweet!"

The next morning, Spencer shows Darlene the footage of his/Heidi's faux Mexican wedding ceremony and taunts her with the reminder that he's leaving for the courthouse soon to make their unholy coupling legal. Darlene accuses him of manipulating Heidi into fake eloping while knowing that it wasn't the kind of big family wedding she's been dreaming about her whole life. Spencer snarks back that she needs to accept that Heidi is his [soon-to-be] wife, cheerily points out, "You'll be my mom!" and heads off to ready himself for his City Hall nuptials.

Audrina tells Justin she's still sooooo happy that they're chillin' together in Palm Springs...and he responds by spooning her in the large bed. Snore.

Spencer and Heidi arrive at the courthouse and meet up with Stephanie. After Heidi morosely heads off to the bathroom to "freshen up", Stephanie disapprovingly tells Spencer, "You can't do this." She points out that Heidi is forever going to regret and resent the fact that she wasn't even talking to her mom and sister when when they got married at City Hall, and that this entire subplot is completely ass backwards wrong. When Heidi returns from her trip to the ladies room and dejectedly says she's ready to press ahead with the civil ceremony, the three enter an empty courtroom, where they're greeted by Deputy Commissioner Donna Jones. She begins to officiate the ceremony, and Heidi dutifully repeats the vows...but when it's Spencer's turn, he pauses and asks Heidi if she really really wants to get married in such dull fashion, 'cause frankly it feels depressing as hell, and as though they're doing something sneaky and shady. Heidi tears up and tells the dodo that of course she wants her mom and family to share their special day. Spencer declares that he's suddenly determined to give her the wedding of her dreams...and when she meekly asks, "Really..?", he assures her he loves her sooooo much that he's totes willing to get hitched exactly the way she wants. The two then hug and exit the courtroom, leaving Deputy Commissioner Donna Jones staring after them, somewhat forlornly from her bench.

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