Recap: While doing pretend intern work in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney that Jason called her last night from wherever he's rehabbing. She adds that she hasn't seen the schlub since the Season 2 premiere, and that it's a tad irksome that he's decided to resurface when everything is finally going smoothly in her personal life.
Lauren and Audrina are at the gym, working out with an overly chatty trainer named Jarett. Lauren tells him she recently talked to a buddy of his, Derek, about enrolling in some sort of bootcamp, and Jarett says that Derek is a nice guy and that the four of them should all go out to dinner at Lola's tonight.
Over a post-workout snack, Lauren tells Audrina that Jason called and wants them to get together, and Audrina shares that she's still refusing to take Justin's calls. She then decrees that tonight is going to be all about dating new boys, and forbids any further talk of their horrible exes.
Over at Bolthouse Productions, Elodie tells Heidi that there's a new job opening for an Events Director that comes with its own private office (that they're standing right in front of), and makes it clear that she's very very interested in applying. Heidi's all, "Hmmm, interesting" as she quietly checks out the vacant office.
When Heidi returns home, she reports to Spencer - who looks as though he's been lounging on the couch all day, tapping away on his laptop - that there's an opening for an Events Director at Bolthouse. Spencer mumblingly describes the opportunity as "very legit", and Heidi adds that Elodie seems to have her heart set on the job. Spencer decrees, "You beyond deserve it", urges her to stir up whatever contrived sort of Hills drama it's going to take to get the job, and promises that he'll help her in any way he can [from the comfort of his permanent loafing spot on the living room couch].
Lauren and Audrina arrive at Lola's and warmly greet Jarett and Derek. Lauren idly asks Derek why he's wearing a Michigan U t-shirt, so he tells her it only cost him 40 cents in a thrift store...and instead of just leaving it at that, prattles needlessly about all he's doing to avoid the high cost of vintage clothing. Lauren reacts by staring back at him with an expression of what I can only describe as spiritless dismay.
Later, at Les Deux, Derek fawningly tells Lauren he likes her more than any other girl he's ever known, and she shoots him a the fuck? look and laughingly retorts, "No you don't!" He suggests that, yeah, he may possibly be psychotic - but when Lauren shoots him another the fuck? look, he hastily back pedals on that and tells her he once dated a girl for seven years and emerged from it with no relationship issues. A skeptical Lauren shares that she just got out of a one year relationship and has all sorts of relationship issues, and Derek replies, "That's your problem", to which Lauren responds by shooting him the third and final the fuck? look of the evening. She beats a hasty retreat to the ladies room with Audrina...and once they're out earshot, Derek tells Jarett he's [so clueless about how fully turned off Lauren is by him and is] ready to propose. Over in the ladies room, Lauren complains to Audrina that the hopeless dork is under the strange illusion that she likes him, and that she's never wanted to stab herself in the eye more while out on a date. When she returns to the table, she makes it a point to sit as far away from Derek as possible...and he decides 'I haven't got much to lose in terms of reappearing on The Hills as Lauren's potential love interest' and reacts to the snub by sticking out his tongue at her.
The next day in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney about the "brutal" double date she went on with Audrina, and that she was utterly incredulous when Derek told her that he likes her more than any other girl he's ever met. Whitney clucks sympathetically and says that any guy who's lucky enough to make a guest appearance on The Hills should know to not come off so desperately, then reminds Lauren that not every boy she she meets is going to be her Prince Charming.
Heidi meets with Brent behind closed doors to announce that she'd like him to consider pretending to promote her to Events Director...and Brent pretends to mull that over, says it's going to be a team decision, and that Elodie's interest in the job will be a major factor. When he warns that becoming [a faux] Events Director means having a lot more [non-existent] responsibilities, Heidi insists that she's up to the task...and Brent does his best to assure her that he's going to give this scripted-for-reality-TV request some deeply serious thought.
Lauren is chillin' at Hillside Villas with Audrina and Lo when Jason calls to say hey to Lauren and confirm their get together. After that, the gals sit down to eat...and Audrina pulls out a book containing a love quiz and throws out the question: how many times have you been madly in love? Lauren reveals that so far she's been in love in the madly sense just once in her life: with Jason...incomprehensibly enough.
The next day, Lauren and Audrina are laying poolside when Lauren gets a voicemail message from Derek, who invites her out for drinks. She laughingly says, "Negative", then tells Audrina she has zero interest in spending any more time with that halfwit. Audrina then reports that when she finally agreed to take Justin's calls, he apologized for his shitty boorishness, and Lauren says she [sort of, but meh] gets that she wants to be in a relationship with the disheveled bad boy - but points out that he's only capable of behaving like a normal human being some of the time, and that "you can't just like who half a person is".
After getting the pretend promotion, Heidi arrives in her new office and soon comes face-to-face with Elodie, a non-actor who does her best to appear deeply pissed off as she brusquely says, "Good for you" and tells Heidi she hopes she appreciates the new job as much as she would have. Heidi thanks her for her graciousness, then scrunches her face sympathetically and says that this contrived drama, entirely concocted by The Hills producers, wasn't personal...and Elodie's all, "Uh huh" before wandering off, her eyes widened in faux disbelief.
Audrina and Justin are hanging out at the beach before they climb atop his motorcycle and ride off together.
Lauren meets up with Jason at a coffee house, gives him a warm hello hug, and returns a pair of his sunglasses that she found in her car. He remarks on how weird and abrupt their breakup was, and she concurs and then explains that she needed a clean break from him...but knew that eventually they'd be friends again. He admits to having gotten out of control with his self destructive tendencies, and they both stare mutely at each other before the end credits begin to roll.
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