The Hills - Season 2, Episode 1

Heidi contemplates the grisly possibility of Spencer's bun being in her oven

"Out With the Old.."
Original airdate: 1/15/2007

Episode summary: Heidi is jealous when rumors circulate about a possible hook-up between Spencer and Audrina.

---

Recap: Lauren arrives in front of Jason's place to drop off his golf clubs and various other belongings...and he's all, "Hurray! My golf clubs!", while a tearful Lauren informs him that since they're now Splitsville she can't be "a normal buddy" to him and would prefer they didn't see each other in Season 2. Jason scrunches his face confusedly and says he really doesn't get why breaking up means they can't hang out anymore, so Lauren explains to the dolt that right now it's too difficult for her to stomach the sight of him. He hugs her and assures her it's A-OK, and then she climbs into her Mercedes convertible and speeds off.

Over at Bolthouse Productions, Brent announces to the staff that the new nightclub Area is having an grand opening that will feature a red carpet and lots of media. He assigns Heidi to be the evening's hostess, reminds everyone that they all have a lot of work to do, and good-naturedly snarls, "So don't bug me."

Audrina, who's now a receptionist at Epic Records instead of Quixote Studios, calls Heidi's cell phone, but Heidi makes a face at the incoming call and lets it go to voicemail. Audrina leaves a message that's something along the lines of, "I dunno if you're mad at me, but if you're not, like, super mad call me back."

Lauren and Whitney reunite in the Teen Vogue closet office, where Whitney describes her summer in Paris as insane and pretends to have immersed herself in runway couture dresses while working on a high profile French photo shoot. Lauren glumly says that she and Jason didn't live at the beach house for very long 'cause they fought constantly and eventually broke up. As Whitney clucks sympathetically, the two are summoned to Lisa Love's office for her first passive-aggressive smackdown of the season.

Lisa welcomes the two back to Teen Vogue and asks how the summer went, so Whitney waxes on about how amazingk Paris was, and how she was able to experience the joy that was visiting Coco Chanel's apartment. Lisa lays it on thick about what a great opportunity it was for her to go to Paris and asks her if she'd be up for pretending to spend another summer there...and Whitney eagerly chirps, "Yes!" while Lauren stares over at her despondently. Lisa remarks on how "Lauren will always be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris" and asks her if she regrets that decision. As a miserable looking Lauren shrugs as if to say 'yeah, but whaddya gonna do?', Lisa piles on further and bitchily asks if spending the summer with her boyfriend worked out for her...and Lauren refrains from bitchily retorting that she's a grown woman who gets to decline a faux internship in Paris if she wants to, and just mutely shakes her head.  

"How did spending the summer with your boyfriend work out?"

"About as pleasantly as this meeting."

Later at Hillside Villas, Lauren commiserates to Heidi about her shitty day, and how she's soooooo over getting shit from Lisa for opting to spend her summer with Jason. Heidi coos, "Every day it'll get a little easier", and Lauren cries about how she cried every day when she and Jason were fighting, and continues to cry 'cause she's somehow sad he's not in her life anymore. Heidi comforts her by nonsensically pronouncing, "The best part of Jason was you", then tells her that soooooo many guys are totes interested in going out with her. Lauren complains that she hates being single and grumbles, "I'm not good at it."

Heidi is out to dinner at Don Antonio's with her new beau and Chucky doll lookalike, Spencer Pratt. She gabbles about how Bolthouse is running the grand opening of Area and gushes about how her faux job as a nightclub hostess is soooooo fun. Spencer asks her if Audrina is expected to show up at Area, and Heidi makes an ew face and says that everyone she works with hates Audrina - no doubt due to her jealousy-fueled trash-talking - and that, word on the street, is that she (Audrina) and Spencer have been spotted hanging out together. She comes right out and asks Spencer if Audrina has ever hit on him, and he admits that he's only ever gotten "a friend vibe" from her, weakly denies spending time with the brunette hottie, and complains about the general nuttiness of some people in L.A. He then shifts gears and tells Heidi how happy he is to be chowing down on Mexican food with her...and after dinner, the two head over to his place, where she happily agrees to spend the night. Blech. 

Heidi returns to Hillside Villas the next morning and gleefully reports to Lauren that Spencer is getting more and more affectionate towards her, and Lauren teasingly cackles, "Spencer loooooves you."

Spencer surprises Audrina at Pinkberry with three roses, and the two sit down and discuss the contrived drama that is Heidi's anger about their non-hook-up. Audrina says she's tried to convince Heidi that she'd sooner jump off a cliff then do the nasty with a repugnant life-sized Chucky doll - but she refuses to listen to reason...as does Lauren 'cause the two are such inseparable BFFs. A befuddled Spencer shakes his head in faux bewilderment at the notion of anyone not liking her, then decides 'why not continue to fuel the bad blood between Heidi and Audrina that I'm largely responsible for instigating?' and invites Audrina to have dinner with him at Don Antonio's before making a grand, dramatic entrance at the opening of Area.

"I could never be attracted to a mind-fucking douchebag who's a dead ringer for Chucky."

"In that case, I guess I'm fortunate that Heidi has such low standards."

Area opening! Heidi is "working" the front door with her Bolthouse gal pals while Lauren and her friend Jen Bunney sit inside the nightclub and ogle the dreamy Brody Jenner. Spencer arrives, followed closely by Audrina walking alongside an unnamed friend, and rolls his eyes at Heidi while contorting his face as if to say 'I have no earthly idea how or why I'm arriving at this club with Audrina!' An irked Heidi gives Spencer a hello hug, coldly ignores Audrina, and glares after the two as they enter Area. She then complainingly asks her co-worker Kristen, "Why can't she get her own friends?", and Kristen nonsensically agrees that sometimes "the girls are worse than the guys", while Spencer - who pretends to be deeply befuddled about the drama unfolding in real time that is entirely of his [and The Hills producers'] own making - tells Audrina he had no idea that Heidi openly hated her.

Heidi scampers inside Area to tell Lauren that Spencer just arrived with Audrina, to which Lauren shrieks, "Nooooooo!!" ... and across the club, Spencer is standing behind Audrina while chortling about how he's hiding from Heidi. Jen Bunney snorts in disgust and sneers, "That girl, she has balls, dude", while Spencer denies to Heidi that he came to Area with Audrina, despite the MTV crew filming him making plans with Audrina to arrive at Area together and then arriving at Area together. Heidi breezily replies that it's none of her business who he clubs with, then wanders over to Lauren's table to moan, "My life sucks right now." Audrina tells Spencer she's given up on being friends with Heidi, and he massages her shoulder and calls her "too sweet" while she squirms away and looks visibly icked out by his touch.

​Heidi returns to her post at the front door and tells Kristen she's dismayed by the nerve of Audrina to arrive at Area with Spencer, who somehow gets a free pass for his brazenly douchebaggish mindfuckery. Kristen wanks Heidi by calling her "a good girl", and that man-stealing skanks like Audrina "are not worth it".

The next day at Bolthouse Productions, Elodie asks Heidi how the boy situation is going, so Heidi dishes about how Spencer showed up at Area with Audrina while she was working the front door. Elodie's all, "Shut up!" ... and Heidi grimaces, says it sucks 'cause she was starting to fall for him, and announces that she's going home early 'cause she's been experiencing various symptoms that suggest she might possibly be carrying Chucky's demon spawn.

"Chucky is still my dream man."

"One of my greatest skills is being able to laugh uncontrollably on the inside while appearing calm and empathetic on the outside."

At Epic Records, Audrina tells her co-worker and friend Chiara about her night at Area, specifically that Spencer was annoyingly grab-handsy with her on the dance floor. She calls him piggish, describes the show's contrived lust-triangle as "a huge ordeal" and soooo stupid. That it is, Audrina. That it is.

Heidi stops by the drug store on her way home to pick up a pregnancy test. When she arrives at Hillside Villas, she goes straight up to the bathroom and stares at herself worriedly in the mirror as she summons the courage to pee on a stick.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---