Recap: Lauren tells Audrina that she and Heidi have mutually decided nothing good can come of the two of them discussing Spencer, and that it's a bit weird 'cause the Chucky lookalike is such a huge part of Heidi's life. Lauren and Audrina agree on how dicked up it is that Heidi could be so head over heels for such a giant assbag, and Audrina goes a step further and says it's like he somehow put Heidi under his creepy spell. Lauren concurs and adds that Spencer has uttered what she thinks is a very premature 'I love you' to Heidi, and Audrina gasps in horror at his relationship level-jumping. While shopping at a fancy boutique, Jen Bunney asks Heidi if she thinks Lauren would be upset if she were to start hanging out more with her and Spencer...and make a play for Brody. Heidi shrugs unconcernedly and tells her that she should do as she pleases and not worry so much about how hard Lauren's head is going to explode after she hears about it. Jen happily says she will take that advice.
In the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney that she and some gal pals are going out tonight to celebrate Jen's 21st birthday. She makes an ew face and adds that Spencer is invited to the party at Les Deux, then cackles about the only good thing to having Spencer show up anywhere: he tends to bring Brody along. While cruising along in Brody's gas guzzling asshole-mobile, Spencer tells Brody it's imperative he get himself a lady so they can go out on a double date with him and Heidi. He then mentions that the two of them have an invitation from Heidi [and The Hills producers] to come to Jen Bunney's birthday party at Les Deux. Brody perks up at that and calls Jen "a cutie pie", and Spencer agrees and mumbles, "I think you should mack Jen, to be honest" ... and the two boors cackle over the icky prospect. That evening, Lauren and the gals arrive at the Geisha House for Jen's birthday dinner...and Lauren makes a toast and lays it on thick about how Jen is one of her oldest and bestest friends in the entire world, then presents her with the gift of a diamond bracelet. Jen marvels about how Lauren shelled out major cash for real diamonds, gives her a warm thank you hug, and covertly asks Heidi if Brody is coming to Les Deux later. When Heidi confirms he is, she replies, "Too bad he hooked up with my best friend" [despite the non-existent hook-up between Lauren and Brody]. The two then excuse themselves to go to the bathroom so that Heidi can dish to Jen between stalls about how Brody "loves you loves you loves you" and "wants macking asap". When Jen excitedly asks if this is reliable, recent gossip, Heidi assures her that she heard it directly from the arsehole - I mean the horse's mouth.
After dinner, the gals head over to Les Deux, where Brody, Spencer, and Audrina are already getting the party started. Brody loudly asks Heidi to find him a girl - just as Jen wanders over, sits beside Brody, and glances happily at the clique of idiots with an 'I'm so happy to finally belong' look before declaring, "It's my crew. It's my crew." Spencer points at Brody and tells her he got her this stupid lug for her birthday, and she smilingly retorts, "Shut up!", then expresses her mild-by-this-point concern about Lauren being mad at her, which Heidi breezily assures her won't be an issue. Cue Lauren, who ambles over with Audrina to pose for photos with Jen...and then in what looks like out-of-chronological-order footage, Brody suggests that he, Jen, Spencer, and Heidi head to his condo, leaving behind a clueless Lauren asking Audrina, "Where's Jen?" The next morning at Teen Vogue, Lauren tells Whitney that Jen et. al. went to Brody's condo without bothering to tell her they were leaving Les Deux...and that Jen later called her to ask how much she'd care if she hooked up with Brody. Lauren refrains from mentioning that three episodes ago she made it clear to Heidi that she only wanted to be friends with Brody and tells Whitney that in addition to Jen, she's furious at:
She grumbles about how tired she is of her friends screwing her over for a guy, then wonders aloud why anyone would even contemplate throwing away a friendship for the opportunity to "mack" a dipshitted womanizer like Brody Jenner.
Over at Epic Records, Audrina tells Chiara that Lauren is very sad about the Brody-Jen hookup largely 'cause Heidi just stood by and let it happen. She says she strongly believes that Spencer has been brainwashing Heidi - who, a year ago, would have objected to Jen getting canoodly with a guy her best friend had kissed [and then quickly determined 'nope, definitely no sexual chemistry here']. Back in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren admonishes Jen over the phone for doing "a really cutthroat thing" and reminds her it's code that a girl doesn't hang out with a guy her best friend was [never truly] interested in. She chides Jen for her insincere apology, snarls, "Don't be at my apartment when I get home", and angrily tosses her phone onto the carpet. Heidi returns to Hillside Villas to rehash with Lauren what went down at Les Deux last night. Lauren makes it clear that if their friendship keeps deteriorating the way it's been deteriorating this season, she's not going to want to live in Hillside Villas no mo'. Heidi says she's confused about why the Brody-Jen hookup is her fault when Jen's the one who made out with Brody, so Lauren makes it clear that she's so livid with Jen she's no longer speaking to her and has banned her from the apartment. She then berates Heidi for no longer being the friend she used to be, so Heidi accuses her of putting up a wall 'cause of her hatred for Spencer...and an exasperated Lauren's all, "OMFG, I was trying to be a good friend!" and doubts their friendship will survive if she insists on continuing to date the fuckbag. When Heidi asks if this means she can never bring up Spencer as a topic of conversation, Lauren scrunches her face in disgust and snarls, "Spencer has you so friggin' brainwashed, it's so sick to see", says she's changed soooo much since their unholy coupling, then blurts out what a sucky person she thinks Spencer is. She rails about how she hasn't felt soooo betrayed by friends in a long time...and when Heidi argues, "I didn't doooo anything", Lauren bellows, "Exactly! You didn't do anything" and says she could have at least pretended to weakly attempt putting a stop to Jen's/Brody's canoodling. Heidi fibs, "I did say 'stop'", and Lauren refrains from pointing out that the MTV footage tells an entirely different story and says that the situation is only going to worsen until she exhibits some semblance of common sense and dumps Spencer. Heidi responds by stupidly shaking her head and staring despondently into space.
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THE HILLS HOMEPAGERecapper: Isabel K. French
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