"Ex Plus Y / Graham & Kelly / Goldenagers"
Original airdate: 10/8/1977
Episode summary: Julie becomes smitten with a handsome tour guide. A recently divorced couple enjoy one last roll in the hay before pretending it never happened and going back to their significant others. Two preteens explore the awkwardness of falling in love for the first time.
Recap: As the passengers excitedly board the ship for this week's instalment, Julie and Gopher are going over checkin-ins on the passenger list when Julie happens to glance across the lobby, see something she likes, and murmur, "Gorrrrrgeous." Gopher scrunches his face confusedly and says that there's no passenger by that name, then sees that she's ogling a dreamy looking man who's headed in their direction. He gazes all smitten-like at Julie as he introduces himself as Jim Wright, and Julie purrs, "Mmm...Mr. Right." He explains that he's a tour guide for a Life Begins at 60 group of pain-in-the-ass seniors, then invites Julie to join him for a coffee before the cruise gets fully underway. She eagerly accepts - 'cause why would there be a policy about the ship's crew romantically fraternizing with passengers? - just as the Life Begins at 60 seniors enter the ship loudly singing Row Row Row Your Boat and demand that Jim come along with them while they check out the ship's amenities.
Newlyweds Terry and Ron Larsen are above deck, marvelling at how much sunnier and warmer it is in Los Angeles versus Chicago. Ron asks his wife if she called her ex-husband Barney prior to leaving for the cruise, then says he wants her to resolve their differences so that she doesn't harbor any feelings of deep resentment that might spill over into their marriage...and reminds her that he's an expert in this stuff 'cause he used to be their marriage counsellor, pre-divorce. Terry's like, "Uh, I do harbor feelings of deep resentment for the asshat", then glances around the ship and is all, "Ack!" when, by scripted coincidence, she spots Barney. She puts her hoodie over her face and heads for the nearest exit...and when Ron implores her to show some maturity and talk things out with her ex, she pulls her hoodie on tighter and continues fleeing.
Kitty Pickrel enters the lounge, where her new young friends, Kelly and Polly, are playing cards. When she notices that her grandson Graham is staring over at Kelly in stunned fascination, she motions him over to introduce himself...and he ambles over, but then does some kind of weird Igor type impersonation while pretending to be stabbed, then collapses onto the floor and crawls towards the exit. Kelly's like, "Er, OK..?" and tells Kitty that her grandson is cute, but really fucking weird.
Barney is skeet shooting while his new lady love, Judy, watches and wanks him about what an awesome shot he is. He tells her that his secret to hitting the target is thinking about his ex-wife while he pulls the trigger...then starts railing about how horribly she treated him and his friends. He glances around the ship and just happens to spot Terry with Ron, and jokingly (?) aims his rifle at her and pretends (?) to want to open fire on her.
Julie emerges from the swimming pool just as Jim wanders over and says he'd loooove to spend some quality time with her. She tells him she's definitely up for that - just as the Life Begins at 60 seniors charge over and drag Jim along for whatever old people adventures they're about to embark upon that, for some reason, they don't want to embark upon on their own.
Doc is discussing famous bridges with Graham, while Kitty rolls her eyes and says she worries about Graham not enjoying his pre-teenage years like a normal kid might. When Kelly ambles over to say hey, Graham gets nervous and does his weird Igor schtick before beating a hasty retreat, and Kelly shrugs and says that she can only conclude he's a mental patient who has zero interest in her.
Barney and Terry encounter each other in an elevator and spend the ride bickering and bragging about their new significant others, blah blah...and after about a minute, my brain started to tune them out.
Kelly asks Julie for some grown woman perspective about the opposite sex and asks her if she knew how to handle boys back when she was a pre-pubescent. Julie says there are two types of boys: some you learn to handle, and some you never figure out. Kelly asks what in blazes she's supposed to do with a cute but extremely weird boy who seems incapable of behaving like a normal person, and Julie suggests she draw him out by asking him questions about himself, given that most guys thoroughly enjoy talking about themselves. Heh. As that's happening, Graham tells Doc he keeps getting tongue-tied around Kelly and wants advice about what to say to her, so Doc suggests he flatter her by telling her how nice she looks, then proudly says that he's somewhat of an authority on women, having been married four times. Graham's all, "Holy shit! Four times?!" and stares back at him in horror. LOL.
Terry and Ron arrive at the Captain's table for dinner - but stop short when they notice that Barney and Judy have also been invited to dine with the Captain. Terry snarks at Barney to leave - just as Captain Stubing arrives and asks Terry and Ron to take their seats, specifically in boy-girl-boy-girl order to generate maximum drama. Judy makes smalltalk with Terry by telling her how much she looooves living in her ex-house and mentions some decor changes that Barney made, and Terry hits the roof when she learns that Barney replaced the hardwood floor in the dining room with astroturf. Seems like a stupid decision for future resale, but OK. Captain Stubing quickly tires of the squabbling and orders them to shut the fuck up so that everyone sitting around them can enjoy their dinner in peace.
Kelly is primping in her cabin after getting a note from Graham, inviting her out to the lounge for an evening of G rated clubbing.
Graham frets about a new pimple, but Kitty assures him it looks like a freckle, and that no one will notice or care. When he tells her he's too nervous to go through with the date, Kitty sternly orders him to put his jacket on and head over to the lounge...and Graham reluctantly obeys and opens the cabin door and finds Kelly standing in the doorway. In the next scene, the two arrive at the lounge and get a table for two...and Graham tries to look smooth by tipping Isaac with what is actually a crumpled tissue. LOL.
As the adults get down and boogy on the dance floor, Kelly tries to initiate conversation with Graham by asking him questions about his interests and favorite classes, but he just grunts one word answers before robotically chirping, "You look nice tonight." From across the room, Julie notices the awkwardness and coos to Doc, "Those poor kids" ... and a few seconds later, Kelly gets fed up with Graham's social stuntedness and storms out of the lounge.
Kelly flees to her cabin, cries, "He hates me!" and flops onto her bed before bursting into tears...and Polly's all, "Wuh?" and does her best to comfort her weeping sister.
It's 2am before Jim can extricate himself from the Life Begins at 60 seniors and invite Julie to come back to his cabin with him. Mmm hmm.. Julie cackles, "I don't normally do this!" - just as Jim opens his cabin door and finds several drunken seniors from the tour group camped out on his floor playing poker and smoking cigars.
Terry admits to Ron that Barney is actually a nicer guy than she remembered...and Ron reminds her that they promised to meet up with Barney and Judy in the bar in a few minutes to hang out unnecessarily. Terry says she wants to finish the chapter of the book she's reading, so she urges him to go on ahead and promises to catch up with them shortly.
When Julie makes an announcement over the PA system about a game of jackpot bingo beginning imminently, Ron and Judy squeal excitedly and head over to the games room. A disinterested Barney says he'll pass on jackpot bingo and will instead stop by Terry's cabin to see what's been holding her up.
Barney chides Terry for being so late meeting up with them, and she apologizes and says she got distracted while brushing her hair. Barney gazes at her longingly and says it was worth the wait 'cause of how awesome she looks, just as she notices that he's wearing the fugly plaid jacket she gave to him for Christmas one year. When she asks him to help her with her zipper, he gets a whiff of her perfume and recalls that she was wearing it the night they first met. He then starts caressing her hair, and she whirls around and stares at him hungrily before the two lean towards each other and lock lips in an intense smooch.
Jim staggers into the lounge and finds Julie seated at the bar, and grumbles at her about being run ragged by the Life Begins at 60 seniors. The two find a quiet table so they can finally share a tender moment - but, as anyone could predict, it immediately gets cut short when the seniors storm into the bar playing bagpipes.
Over by the pool, Kitty admonishes Graham for acting like such a horse's ass in front of Kelly, and he argues that he's merely acting like the socially inept twelve year old he is. Kitty turns her attention to Kelly and complains that because of her, Graham has turned into lousy company, then orders the two to at least try to relate to each other as friends. Kelly hands Graham a towel to dry himself off with and does her best to initiate conversation, and this time he actually makes an effort to retort with more than just one word answers...and soon the two are grinning happily at each other.
Terry and Barney get dressed after their impromptu doink, each expressing surprise at their shitty philandering. Terry calls the extramarital liaison a mistake and says they were wise to end their rollercoaster of a toxic relationship that apparently only had hot sex going for it. She says she now realizes that the anger she's been feeling for him was actually leftover passion, and that Ron - her now cuckolded husband - means sooooo much more to her than that [even though she doesn't have a scrap of self-reflection to wryly remark to herself that she has an interesting way of showing it]. The two concur that when things between them were good they were very very good, but very very bad when they were bad, and agree that they both like and hate each other at the same time.
Above deck, Graham admits to Kelly that he's been acting so damn weird around her 'cause she makes him nervous, then asks her if she's ever kissed anyone. She says she hasn't, and he leans in for a smooch...and afterwards the two stare out at the ocean.
Julie spots Jim dancing with an old lady and cuts in, steers him over to a table, and admonishes him for standing her up at dinner. He explains that he got roped into playing ping-pong with the Life Begins at 60 seniors...and when he leans in for a long-awaited smooch, one of the seniors marches over and forcibly drags Jim onto the dance floor.
Hours later, an exhausted Jim stops by Julie's cabin in a last ditch effort at some much anticipated canoodling. Julie invites him in and offers to fix him a drink...and as she's doing that, she natters about how much she'd looooove to get to know him better - but when she turns around with his drink, she finds him fast asleep atop her bed. Womp womp!
Terry thanks Ron for urging her to confront Barney about her unresolved anger towards him, then tears up and coos, "I love you very much." He hugs her back and says, "That's all you have to say" ... and she lets out a sigh of relief that he's not remotely curious about her newly softened feelings for her ex after they were suspiciously MIA for several hours while he and Judy were playing jackpot bingo.
Graham tells Kelly that yesterday was the greatest day of his life and that he wants to see her after the cruise. As the two bid each other goodbye, Kelly coos, "I love you" ... and it freaks Graham out so much that he lapses into his Igor impersonation/mental safe space before slinking off.
Julie and Jim are gazing at each other, lamenting the many missed opportunities to have told the Life Begins at 60 seniors to fuck off so they could have some private time to develop a budding romance. Jim tells Julie he'd like to see her in L.A. sometime, and she says she's A-OK with that and reminds him that they still have thirty minutes before the ship docks. As they lean in for a smooch, the seniors wander over to apologize for monopolizing Jim's time during the entire cruise. They admit to being selfish dickwads as they, in real time, continue to be selfish dickwads by making no attempt to leave the couple alone right now...and Jim wearily tells Julie he needs to get the group ready to go ashore - but promises to be in touch, even though I'm pretty sure this is the last we'll ever see of "Mr. Right".
Julie asks Kelly how her cruise went, and Kelly tells her that Graham falls into the category of guy you never figure out. A few seconds later, she spots him a few levels down after he's gotten off the ship, and he yells, "That thing you said...I do too!" and Kelly squeals happily and demonstrates his by now waaaay overplayed Igor schtick for Julie.
Ron says goodbye to Barney and Judy, and the couples wish each other good luck before accidentally splitting up in the wrong configuration: Terry with Barney, Judy with Ron. The four chuckle heartily at that disturbing impulse, then scramble to climb into the correct cabs.
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