"Family Reunion / Too Hot to Handle / Cinderella Story"
Original airdate: 1/6/1978
Episode summary: A ship's steward is stunned when a passenger turns out to be his long lost daughter. Doc, Gopher, and Julie egg on a poor couple to stay in the ritzy Promenade Suite after a sudden cancellation. Forces work against a newlywed couple as they try to consummate their marriage.
Recap: Julie welcomes aboard passenger Wendy Bradley while she's having her Polaroid taken by her photography-obsessed husband, Sam. Across the deck, Julie notices one of the ship's stewards, Teddy, telling his latest one-night squeeze, Ginger, that this is the end of the line for them 'cause she's not allowed to secretly bunk in his cabin after the ship sets sail. Julie marches over to him, chides him for reporting late to work and being sloppily attired. Teddy grumpishly asks her if she's pulling rank on him, and she's like, "Well d'yuh" given that he does, in fact, report to her - just as Captain Stubing wanders by and overhears the last part of their conversation. He sternly tells Teddy that if Julie isn't willing to pull rank, he certainly is...and Teddy mumbles some nonsense about how he was doing some sort of "advance public relations work" with Ginger, who, he claims, has important contacts. As he quickly ushers Ginger off the ship, Captain Stubing irritably tells Julie that if they weren't about to set sail he'd get a replacement for Teddy, and Julie insists that while Teddy's not the best employee, he's also not the worst guy in the world and is usually a big hit with the passengers.
Newlyweds Sally and George Allison burst aboard the ship in the nick of time, still dressed in their wedding attire. Captain Stubing greets them and wishes them a fantastic honeymoon.
Doreen Edwards boards the ship while tallying the item by item expenses of their cruise vacation. Her husband (Bill) tells her to stop worrying so much about money and just enjoy their vacation.
Julie tells Doc and Gopher that the (wealthy) Stockwoods have just cancelled their reservation, which means that the ultra-luxurious Promenade Suite, which has been fully paid for, is going to sit vacant for the duration of the cruise. A few seconds later, Doreen and Bill Edwards check in...and while Doreen looks less than thrilled to learn that their cabin is a teeny tiny hovel located above the noisy engine room, Bill assures the crew that they're just grateful to have scraped together enough cash to be aboard this lovely boat. Doc chews on that for a few seconds before suggesting to Julie and Gopher that they flout the rules and upgrade this needy couple to the Promenade Suite asap.
The Allisons arrive in their suite and smooch each other before George picks up his new bride to romantically deposit her atop the bed...and throws out his back in the process. LOL. As he grimaces in pain, he says that, based on past experience, he's prolly going to have to sleep on a wooden board until his back gets back to normal.
Doc, Gopher, and Julie escort the Edwards to the Promenade Suite...which, incidentally, lacks any kind of 'wow factor' and doesn't seem to be any more spacious that any other cabin we've ever seen on The Pacific Princess. The crew explains that a rich couple (the Stockwoods) cancelled, and that no one is really going to care that they're occupying this luxurious suite...with the exception of Captain Stubing, who just happens to drop by a few seconds later to welcome "the Stockwoods" and invite them to dine at his table this evening. As a panicked Julie surreptitiously nods at Bill, he plays along with the charade and pretends to be Martin Stockwood, then later tells his wife and the crew that he found impersonating a total stranger to be totally exhilarating.
Sam shows Wendy the various photos he's been taking...and when she glances at a shot of him and his father, she laments never having known her father. Cue Teddy, who arrives to deliver champagne and caviar, which he gleefully [but also needlessly] tells them he stole from the captain's private stash. He then offers to unpack their bags for them so they can explore the ship...and after the Bradleys leave, he looks at a photograph of Wendy and her mother and murmurs, "Oh God...no..." which I can only translate to mean that he must be her long lost father.
Teddy orders a drink from Isaac, who points out that he's not supposed to drink while on duty. Teddy responds by motioning over at Wendy and revealing to Isaac that she just happens to be the daughter he abandoned when she was eighteen months old. Isaac mulls that over and agrees that Teddy could definitely use a stiff drink...and just as Teddy starts guzzling his glass o' booze, Captain Stubing wanders over, glares disapprovingly at the glass in his hand, and snappishly says that this is his final warning.
Later, in the dining room, Captain Stubing tells everyone who's seated at his table that the Stockwoods will be joining them for dinner. One of the dinner guests, Cynthia Loudon, complains to her [advertising executive] husband Everett about how Martin Stockwood - who she's never met in person and conveniently has no idea what he looks like - is a vulture who likely booked this cruise to steal his biggest client: Greg Beatty, who just happens to be sitting across from them at the table. Doreen and Bill Edwards arrive and convincingly introduce themselves to everyone as the Stockwoods...and when the conversation shifts to advertising, Bill craftily says that since he and his wife are on vacation, he's not going to indulge in any shop talk.
The next day, Teddy delivers a drink to Wendy - just as Captain Stubing wanders over to ask her if she's enjoying the cruise. She tells him she loooooves being at sea, then attributes this sentiment to her father's love of the sea and explains says that he died when she was a baby. Captain Stubing clucks sympathetically, then glares over at Teddy and asks him if he doesn't have anything more important to be doing. Teddy ambles off, but not far enough to not eavesdrop as Wendy tells Captain Stubing the lie her mother's been peddling her whole life: her father was a stupendous sea captain named Edward R. Anderson who died when the ship he was commanding, the Caroline T, sank. Captain Stubing chews on that for a minute, then asks her if she'd be interested in looking into that fabricated history by browsing through his Big Book of Shipwrecks, and she tells him she'd like that very much.
George Allison tells Isaac that Doc is a miracle worker for healing his back, then spots Sally fast asleep on a pool lounger. He tells Isaac that she was up all night, nursing him back to health, then asks him to please direct her back to their cabin as soon as she wakes up so that they can officially start honeymooning.
Cynthia and Everett Loudon are sniping about their assumption that Martin Stockwood is plotting to steal away Greg Beatty, aka his advertising account - just as Greg Beatty wanders over to express how refreshing he finds it that Martin Stockwood doesn't want to discuss business 24/7. Julie and Doc, meanwhile, run into Doreen and Bill Edwards and asks them if they're enjoying the cruise...and Bill says he's loving the Pretend to Be a Rich Guy Caper so much that he invited Captain Stubing to the Promenade Suite to join him and his wife for a drink. Julie frowns disapprovingly at this needless risk and tells Doc she thinks he's getting in way over his head, but Doc just kind of shrugs and pretends as though he wasn't the one who started everyone down this rabbit hole when he suggested that Bill and Noreen illegally occupy the Promenade Suite.
When Greg Beatty accidentally spills his drink on Everett Loudon, Doreen asks him if he ever heard of a product called Space Age Miracle Banish, and explains that it's an awesome cleanser that can get rid of any stain. Greg gives her a strange look and says he has heard of it, given that it's his new product. Bill remarks on the wordiness of the product and suggests he rename it something simple, such as Spots Gone...and Greg looks instantly intrigued by that name and asks if he can use it without any kind of legal reprisal. Julie, who's watching the interaction from across the deck, looks impressed that Bill is able to convincingly pull off his Martin Stockwood impersonation...while Doc says he never doubted the brilliant caper idea for a minute.
Sally coos to George about how much she loves him...while laying motionless and in pain atop their bed 'cause of a bad sunburn she got while asleep on the pool lounger earlier. Womp womp!
Teddy drunkenly staggers into the lobby and runs into Captain Stubing, who snaps, "This is the last straw!" and orders him into his office. He pours the dipso a coffee and asks whassup with him repeatedly drinking on the job, so Teddy explains that many years ago he deserted his baby and his baby mama by running away to sea...and was shocked to discover that this grown up baby - Wendy Bradley - is currently a passenger aboard the ship. He laments what a disgrace he [and pretty much everyone around him] finds himself to be - just as Wendy knocks on the door to ask Captain Stubing if now is a good time to look through his Big Book of Shipwrecks. Teddy's all, "Ack!" at the sound of his daughter's voice and promises to leave the ship asap if no one outs him as Wendy's bio dad. The Captain mulls that over as he answers the door and ushers Wendy inside, tells her that her dad's faux name rang a bell, and that upon reflection realized that he once sailed with him...as did Teddy. Wendy excitedly says she wants to know everything about her "deceased" pa, so Captain Stubing says that the competent sailor was a nice looking man with a good sense of humor, and was generally a man that any girl would be proud to have as a father. An agonized looking Teddy suddenly moans, "I can't go ooooooooon with this" and tells Wendy that her bio dad is a total deadbeat, then confesses that he is that deadbeat. Wendy scrunches her face confusedly, angrily admonishes him for making zero effort to see her or know her all these years, then cries, "I wish you'd stayed dead!" before running out of the room.
Sally tells Julie that George spent the day in Mazatlán to shop for souvenirs...and a few seconds later, he returns to the ship carrying a bouquet of flowers. He tells Sally that he picked them in a pretty field...which he suddenly realizes by the red patch on his arm must have been had lots of poison ivy around. Womp womp!
Greg Beatty tells the Loudons that he's so impressed with the Spots Gone renaming that he's decided to ask "Martin Stockwood" to handle his advertising campaign from now on. He then turns to "Martin" and says he'd like to get into specifics about the financing of his account, and Bill decides that the jig is now up and confesses that he's not Martin Stockwood, but rather a regular Joe who works in a supermarket and agreed to pretend to be a rich guy mostly so his wife could enjoy the splendor of staying in the Promenade Suite. An alarmed Julie and Gopher, who have been eavesdropping on the confession, quickly usher Bill away.
Gopher tells Doc they're in a jam, namely that they're probably not going to be able to prevent Captain Stubing from running into Bill and Doreen Edwards and figuring out that they're not the Stockwoods. As he wonders loud whether or not he should come clean to the captain, Doc reverts back to pretending as though none of this was his idea, and is all, "Dunno, but good luck with that."
Sally goes on a day trip to Ensenada while George recuperates from getting poison ivy all over his arms. A few hours later, Sally boards what she assumes is the Pacific Princess, heads straight to what she assumes is her cabin, and is befuddled when a middle-aged man answers the door. When she threatens to lodge an immediate complaint to Captain Stubing, the man informs her that she's aboard The Sun Princess, and that the captain's name is Norton, not Stubing. Womp womp!
As Doc and Gopher hang out in Gopher's cabin, Gopher gets a call regarding Sally Allison boarding the wrong ship in Ensenada and is all, "Oooooh nooooo" at the thought of breaking the news to George that his marriage is going to continue unconsummated. A few seconds later, he phones George to inform him of his wife's boarding mishap, but to assure him that Sally is fine and that she's going to meet him when they dock in Los Angeles. George and his penis respond by sobbing uncontrollably.
Over in the Promenade Suite, Bill and Doreen apologize to Julie, Doc, and Gopher for not being able to pull off the caper, but then they come to an agreement that they're all to blame (save for Doc) for trying to pass off a poor couple as a rich couple. A few seconds later, Greg and the Loudons drop by the suite to 1) tell Bill that they like the cut of his jib, and 2) offer him a job in Everett's advertising agency to work exclusively on Greg Beatty's account. A stunned Bill's all, "But I work in a supermarket and have never studied advertising", so Doreen wanks him about about how he can do anything he puts his mind to. Bill thinks that over for a few seconds, then is all 'sure, why the hell not?' and shakes everyone's hands while Doc takes full credit for the happy outcome. LOL.
Sam tells a morose Wendy, who's lounging in the pool area, that Teddy really really wants to talk to her - but she tells him she's not interested in hearing from a serial loafer who can't possibly explain twenty-six years of not giving a hoot about her. Teddy enters the pool area and argues that he did give a hoot about her, but neglected to be in her life 'cause he had nothing to offer her on account of he's a total screwup, drinks too much, and pretty much lies about everything. Fair point. He says he would have made her life miserable, but at the same time realizes that he cheated himself out of twenty-six of the best years a man could have. As he starts to shuffle off dejectedly, Wendy cries, "Don't go!", and he rushes back over to his tearful daughter to embrace her in an it's-never-too-late type fatherly hug.
As George disembarks, he recaps to Julie that throughout this cruise, he and his bride have suffered every ailment imaginable and been separated for the last two days. Julie weakly points out that it's a damn good thing the cruise wasn't any longer - just as Sally runs over, hugs her groom, and tells him she's looking forward to kick-starting their honeymoon at home. Mmm hmm..
Bill and Doreen bid the Loudons and Greg Beatty adieu for now, and express their excitement about working together in the near future...then say goodbye to the crew, who are relieved and delighted that everything magically worked out in the improbable way that it did. Captain Stubing wanders over to inform his crew that he just got a call from Martin Stockwood, then shakes his head in light-hearted dismay about how Bill and Doreen, aka "these Madison Avenue types" will go to any lengths to land an account. He mutters about how "it's really a jungle out there" and ambles off, still seemingly clueless about Bill's Pretend to Be a Rich Guy Caper, which was never very convincing before it publicly fell apart.
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