"The Old Man and the Runaway / A Fine Romance / The Painters"
Original airdate: 12/23/1977
Episode summary: A teenage runaway charms a widower into paying her passage. Julie makes a pass at an old crush, who doesn't reciprocate 'cause he's a priest. Two painters wreak havoc aboard the ship while painting Captain Stubing's cabin.
Recap: Grumpy passenger Franklin Bootherstone boards the ship and grumpishly asks Julie what there is to do on this cruise, so she tells him that they offer deck tennis, ping-pong, and have a couple of swimming pools. He snarls back that he's not interested in any of that and plans to spend all of his time alone, breathing in the sea air.
Captain Stubing cheerily greets Doc and explains that he's in a rare good mood 'cause he just had his cabin repainted and can't wait to see the fresh new color.
Julie spots an old friend named Sean McGlynn as he boards the ship and is all, "Yoo hoo! Sean!" ... and when he stares back at her blankly, she tells him she's Bobby's little sister. Sean shakes his head in wonderment and says he can't believe the [scripted] coincidence of being aboard a cruise where his best friend's sister works as the cruise director. Another passenger, Mickey O'Day, interrupts the mini reunion 'cause he's eager to get himself checked in and start combing the ship for some single and ready to mingle ladies, and Julie tells him and Sean that - surprise! - they're going to be rooming together in a cabin on the Fiesta Deck. [Seems odd that any grown man wouldn't prefer to be booked in his own private cabin while on a cruise vacation, but OK.]
Captain Stubing invites Julie to join him and Doc as they check out the fresh new color in his cabin...and Julie waxes on about how the painters she hired aren't just average painters, but rather "tint engineers" who mixed a custom color they're calling Singapore Sunset Saffron, aka a light shade of yellow. A few seconds later, the two painters (Vincent and Ronald) enter the hallway wheeling their cart of paint supplies - but then somehow lose control of it...and everyone watches as it rolls toward the elevator and collides with a hapless Isaac, who's soon covered with a layer of yellow paint. Womp womp!
Vincent and Ronald usher Captain Stubing and Doc down the hall and stop at the Deputy Captain's office, thinking that the sign "Dept Captain" on the door referred to 'the captain's department' and was therefore the cabin they were supposed to paint. Captain Stubing snarls that they painted the wrong office and orders them to stay aboard the ship until the proper cabin has been painted.
As Franklin unpacks his things, a blonde teenager suddenly emerges from his bathroom...and when he asks who in blazes she is, she fibs that she's his twenty-six year old chamber maid. Franklin points out that she's clearly a teenager, and that chamber maids usually wear uniforms,...and the teenager concedes that he's pretty smart for a senior citizen, then introduces herself as sixteen year old Nancy Brown. She explains that things were "gettin' heavy" with her foster parents, so she sneaked aboard the Pacific Princess in order to get a free ride to Acapulco so she could meet up with her boyfriend Randy, aka a [Mexican?] guy she recently met at a concert. Franklin chuckles at the brevity of her relationship and tells her that he and his wife, on the other hand, had an awesome marriage that spanned forty-five years before she passed away six months ago. He tells Nancy that she should prolly get off the ship now, but she looks out the window and points out that it's already set sail...and that if he threatens to turn her in, she'll have no choice but to jump overboard.
Mickey gets dressed up for a night out and tells Sean it's obvious that Julie is sweet on him and that he should totally tap that. Sean just kind of shrugs and says he still thinks of her as his best friend's kid sister, and Mickey's like, "OK, whatever" as he takes a pill for his chronic heart condition, then heads out with the stated goal of "meetin' some dames".
Franklin asks Gopher and Julie about the ship's policy regarding stowaways, so Julie tells him that they usually expel the unwanted guests at the next port of call - unless, of course, the illegal traveler is able to pay for his/her passage. Gopher smugly declares that no one ever sneaks aboard without the crew's knowledge, so Franklin informs him that, in fact, someone did sneak on, and that she's hiding out in his cabin. Gopher's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says he'll have her removed asap, but Franklin suddenly softens and fibs about how the stowaway is his granddaughter and that he'll happily shell out the dough for her passage. Julie says the cruise is completely sold out, but points out that since she's his granddaughter, she could just bunk with him.
In the dining room that evening, Franklin is seated at a table across from Nancy, gruffly ordering her to act like a lady. Nancy spots Captain Stubing wandering over, so she hides her face behind a menu for fear he'll identify her as a stowaway...then is all, "Ack!" when Franklin calls the captain over to ask about the ship's stowaway policy. Captain Stubing smirkingly replies that he usually makes them walk the plank, then wanders off...and as Nancy twitches fearfully, Franklin laughingly informs her that she's no longer a stowaway 'cause he paid for her passage and told the crew she's his granddaughter. Nancy squeals joyfully and gives him a grateful hug...and a few seconds later, the waiter strolls by to take the happy diners' dinner order.
In the lounge, Julie and Sean are enjoying a drink together, reminiscing about when he used to call her "metal mouth" on account of her braces. He remarks on what a pretty woman she's grown into - just as she's suddenly called away to take a phone call. Mickey pops up out of nowhere to tell Sean that it's pretty clear how much Julie digs him and to once again advise him to get on with tapping that. Julie ambles back after finishing her phone call and suggests to Sean that they go somewhere to relax, and he looks slightly panicked and suggests they join a group of others in a game of bridge. Julie reacts by scrunching her face in disappointment and muttering, "Bridge..?" as he hastily ushers her off.
While getting ready for bed, Nancy looks at a photo of Franklin's late wife, and Franklin sadly confirms that they were childless and that he's surprised she kicked off long before him. As the two lay in their beds, Nancy thanks Franklin for letting her bunk with him so that she can sleep in a comfy bed...and when she jokingly calls him grampa, he beams happily and urges her to get a good night's sleep.
The next day, Nancy urges Franklin to play some shuffleboard, and he says he's game and soon looks as though he's having a fabulous time.
Captain Stubing stops by his cabin to check on the progress of the paint job, and looks miffed that this version of Singapore Sunset Saffron color isn't quite the right shade of yellow. As Ronald rattles off the formula that was used, Vincent realizes he added in three smidgens of an ingredient instead of two, and Captain Stubing gruffly orders them to mix the paint properly and get his damn cabin painted. Once he's out of earshot, Ronald and Vincent start arguing about their ineptitude and unhelpfully start smearing paint on each other's faces.
Captain Stubing tells Julie he wants the painters to finish the job by the end of the day, and Julie sheepishly says she'll take care of it...then storms into the Captain's cabin and gets pelted with yellow paint by the warring Vincent and Ronald.
Nancy is doing her best to teach yoga poses to Franklin, who's having difficulty sitting in any kind of contorted position. She then tries to teach him how to chant, but he doesn't look into doing that and instead responds by breaking out in song...and the two happily croon together.
Julie invites Sean to her cabin to look over some old photos - mmm hmm - but Sean shiftily says he'd rather not waste the sunshine by staying indoors. Julie tries to summon the courage to ask him why he doesn't seem remotely interested in hitting the sheets with her - but at the last minute chickens out and jogs off.
That evening, Franklin reminds Nancy that the ship is going to dock in Acapulco tomorrow, and cautions her about jumping head-first into what's likely to become an ill-fated marriage with Randy on account of she's way too young to make that kind of serious commitment. Nancy mulls that over and remarks on how half of her friends' parents are divorced, then ribs Franklin about all the fatherly advice he's been dispensing to her, aka his non-child. She says she likes that she can discuss things with him - unlike her foster parents, who just bark no at her all the time. Franklin urges her, regardless, to return to Los Angeles and hook up with Randy when she's a tad older and wiser, and Nancy agrees it's the right thing to do - but says she should prolly inform Randy in person about her abrupt change of heart.
Captain Stubing inspects his newly painted cabin, seems satisfied enough with the color, but then unwittingly leans against a wall that hasn't dried yet. As he strolls off with a yellow backside, the painters quietly exchange concerned glances.
Julie admits to Sean that she's had a crush on him ever since she was a brace-faced lass, and he looks aghast at that admission and hastily excuses himself before fleeing to his cabin. As Julie stares after him, her face scrunched in confusion, Doc ambles over and asks her whassup. She whimpers at him that Sean keeps rebuffing her advances, so Doc suggests that perhaps he's excessively shy and that she needs to be more aggressively charming with her feminine wiles.
Mickey says he's off to hit the ship's nightlife and invites Sean to join him...and when Sean declines, Mickey shakes his head confusedly and says he doesn't get why he has zero interest in boning Julie, who clearly has a giant crush on him. A few seconds later, Julie knocks on the door, and Mickey urges Sean to 'go for it' before departing. Julie sexily sashays around the room as she reminds Sean that she's a full grown, red-blooded American woman, aka not Bobby's little sister anymore...then decides she sounds utterly ridiculous and chides her inability to seductively flirt. Sean assures her she's fantastic - just as Mickey returns to the cabin complaining of chest pain and is fairly certain that he's currently having a heart attack. As Julie and Sean help him into his bed, Mickey requests both a doctor and a priest, and Sean solemnly tells Julie she doesn't need to call a priest...then pulls out a clerical collar from a drawer as a stunned Julie stares back at him and is all, "The hell? ...er, heck?"
Doc examines Franklin, somehow is able to assure him just by looking at him that he's not having a heart attack, then gives him a mild sedative to relax him.
Sean explains to Julie that he went on this cruise to decide whether or not he really wants to continue being a priest...and has since determined that, yep, he's truly happy with this life decision after all. Julie sheepishly says she feels like an idiot for coming onto him so strongly, and he assures her that things might well have turned out differently if he weren't such a devoted man of the cloth.
Captain Stubing meets up with Julie and Gopher and tells them he's very upbeat about his cabin being painted a fresh new color...but as they wander down the corridor, he suddenly realizes that the fresh new color of his cabin is, in fact, the same yellow as the rest of the ship. He chews on that for a few seconds before ordering Vincent and Ronald to instantly change course and paint everything in his cabin blue.
Over in the dining room, Franklin is seated alone at a table, anxiously awaiting Nancy's return from Acapulco. In the next scene, Franklin looks miffed when it appears that Nancy has ditched him by opting to stay in Acapulco with Randy, her teenage fiancé.
When the ship docks in Puerto Vallarta the next morning, Franklin grumpishly tells Captain Stubing that his "granddaughter" decided to stay behind in Acapulco - but a few seconds later, Nancy bounds aboard and explains to Franklin that she and Randy engaged in such an intense conversation about what a horrible idea it would be to get married at such a young age that she missed the boat...and so Randy drove far and fast so that she could re-board in Puerto Vallarta. She then reports that Randy was in full agreement that they should wait at least a couple of years to marry, and plans to return to her shitty foster family in order to finish high school.
Captain Stubing enters his cabin to check out the paint job and is confident that Vincent and Ronald weren't total morons about his edict to "paint everything blue" - until he sees that they literally painted the walls, along with every object in the room a deep shade of violet-blue. As he stares at the blueness, speechlessly aghast, Vincent and Ronald assume he's mutely thrilled - until he bellows, "Get off my ship!!" before leaning against a post and getting blue paint all over his backside.
Franklin talks to Gopher about arranging for a social worker to board the ship in Los Angeles so that he can insert himself in The Nancy Foster Parent Situation.
Julie finds Vincent and Ronald in hiding behind the lounge's bar and warns them to get off the ship before the captain finds them and blows another gasket. They apologize for the various painting mishaps, then decide they should prolly stop pretending to be expert painters and maybe start pretending to be ski instructors. Sounds like a plan that's just crazy enough to work.
Franklin stops Nancy from rushing off the ship in tears so that he can introduce her to the social worker who's going to help with her transition from living with her undesirable foster parents to being put into his custody, once he becomes an approved foster dad. Nancy squeals happily and calls this surprising development "far out".
Sean bids Julie adieu and tells her he'd love to officiate her wedding someday. He then gives her a chaste cheek kiss, and she stares after him in sad wistfulness as he ambles out of her life forever.
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