Melrose Place - Season 2, Episode 12

"Sorry about almost killing you."

"Cold Turkey"
Original airdate: 11/24/1993

Episode summary: Billy gets angry when Alison bails on Thanksgiving to prepare for Steve's press conference. Jake finds evidence that Papa Woodward is committing fraud. Sydney joins Kristian Alfonso and her ladies of the evening for Thanksgiving dinner.

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Recap: While primping for work, Alison asks Billy whaddup with his mopey 'tude lately, and he just grunts about how stressed he is about a story he's planning to pitch to his boss. Alison asks what it's about, and Billy poutishly tells her she doesn't have to pretend to have an interest in his life...so Alison reminds him she has a very important press conference coming up in San Francisco and doesn't have the time nor the energy to figure out why he's acting like such a sulky little bitch. Billy grumbles about all the time she's been spending with Steve lately, then storms off while a puzzled Alison's all, "What does Steve have to do with this?"  

Over at the hospital, Matt is wheeling a self-piteous Michael around in a wheelchair...and when Michael asks him about his Thanksgiving plans, he snarkishly says he doesn't feel very chatty after committing a felony. Michael correctly assumes that by felony he means he covertly logged into the hospital's computer system and changed the blood alcohol level on his hospital record. He thanks Matt for doing him this favor, but Matt continues to fret that he could get thrown in jail for the misdeed. Michael breezily assures him he won't, given that there's no evidence of any wrongdoing, and insists that he wasn't all that drunk when he crashed his car and gravely injured Kimberly. [Um...was so.] Matt's like, "Uh, speaking of Kimberly" ... then wheels him into her room, where she's still laying unresponsive and connected to a breathing tube. Michael looks over her chart, sadly says they were just talking about planning a wedding, then asks Matt to make sure he's in the room if her doctor ever decides to unplug her.

Sydney drops by Kristian Alfonso's fancy house to ask whassup with her setting her up with a guy who threw $100 bills at her and demanded she get naked. Kristian Alfonso just kind of shrugs and says that when she showed up at her party the other night, she somehow leaped to the assumption that it was understood she was a Hollywood madam and that any date she set her up on would be a hooker/john type transaction. A stunned Sydney's all, "Wha-a-a-a?! You arrange sex dates for a living?!" and Kristian Alfonso chuckles and calls that "a rather quaint way" of describing her prostitution ring...then adds that, luckily, Patch is a repeat customer and wasn't too upset by the sex-less evening. An indignant Sydney cries, "I'm upset!" to which Kristian Alfonso retorts, "You should be honored" and explains that she only employs a small percentage of the hundreds of women who want to join her stable o' hos. She calls her ladies of the evening the most beautiful, seductive women in L.A. who both make and cost a fortune...then wanks Sydney about how sexy, smart, and perfect she is for hooking. Sydney blushingly grins, but then firmly tells her she ain't no ho...and Kristian Alfonso smarmily describes her business as a family where everyone loves and takes care of each other. She then takes Sydney's hands in hers and promises to take care of her, then asks, "Who else in your life will say that?" and Sydney stares back at her mutely as she contemplatively chews on that. 

"I think you'd make a damn fine hooker."

"That's the nicest thing anyone on Melrose Place has ever said to me."

Over at D&D, Alison is nattering at Steve about the logistics of his upcoming press conference, and he just stares at her dreamily before asking why she never replied to his flirty email invitation to his ranch...particularly after their consensual beach kiss. Alison tells him she didn't receive the email and says she has no idea if she would have accepted the invitation, and he says it's probably best that she didn't have to make a decision.

Jake is at work, fixing a motor, when another mechanic wanders over and comments on what a sweet car it is...and that it'd only run him around 15K-20K, aka not the inflated 60K price Jake points out Papa Woodward is asking. A few seconds later, Papa Woodward ambles over and growls at Jake for being two days behind schedule, then orders him to work through lunch and have this car ready for delivery by next week.

Jane is over at Jo's place, dishing about the diamond ring she saw on Kimberly's finger, then says it's all good 'cause now those two are officially no longer her problem. Amanda drops by to admonish Jo for improperly disposing of darkroom chemical bottles and to invite Jane and Robert her to her apartment for Thanksgiving dinner so they can mingle with the other Melrose Place couples (Billy/Alison, her/Jake). Jane declines and tells her that she and Robert are spending the weekend in Santa Barbara, and Amanda's like, "OK, have fun" and tells Jo she'd invite her if she weren't assuming she had other plans. After she flounces off, Jo makes a 'the fuck?' face and exclaims, "Can you believe her?" and Jane laughingly tells Jo she should definitely go 'cause that's one Thanksgiving dinner she'd looooove to get the skinny on. 

Jake asks Amanda about her father's various business ventures and whether or not they all make a profit, and Amanda says they all do 'cause of how awesome he is at spotting good deals and instinctively knowing how to make them work. Jake wonders aloud how one guy can be so successful at everything all the time, and Amanda's like, "Dunno" and says that she and Papa Woodward don't discuss business...and that she'd rather not peek under the hood of his shady activities.

Alison tells Billy she's meeting Steve for dinner to discuss his upcoming press conference some more, and Billy says he's bummed 'cause he'd hoped they could celebrate his boss approving his latest story pitch...then gets miffed that she's meeting up with Steve while decked out in a slinky black get-up. Alison tells him he's being ridiculous and says he can't seriously expect her to suddenly quit a career-making advertising account, and Billy's like, "Uh, yes I can" and bitchily storms off.

Sydney is carrying a bag of groceries and intercepts Jane as she's about to go for a run and gaily tells her she just bought a turkey and all the trimmings for a fantastic Andrews Sisters' Thanksgiving feast. Jane's all, "Excuse me?" and says she's going out of town for the holiday...but that even if she weren't, she'd sooner eat a turdpile than break bread with her. Sydney implores her to put a pin in their feud for one day and enjoy turkey together on account of they're still family...but Jane barks, "Not anymore!" and points out that loving sisters don't betray each other by hitting the sheets with the other's spouse. Sydney's like, "Speaking of Michael.." and asks her if she's planning to visit him again in the hospital, and Jane's like, "Uh no" and advises her to also keep her distance from Michael 'cause it's painfully obvious that he only ever wanted one thing from her. 

Over at the garage, Jake accepts a large delivery of car parts, then enters Papa Woodward's office to file the invoice. He glances around suspiciously before snooping through the desk drawers, where he finds documented proof that Papa Woodward is passing off knock-offs as restored originals and charging 60K per car. He glares at a framed photo of Papa Woodward posing with Amanda and mutters, "You crook" - just as Papa Woodward bursts into the room and asks what the hell he thinks he's doing. Jake chuckles and says he couldn't help himself from sitting in his chair so he could experience what it felt to be the big man in charge - LOL - and Papa Woodward shoots him the stink-eye and snarls, "You're not the boss, you never will be. You're the mechanic, get back to work" ... and Jake somehow refrains from telling the arsehole where he can shove his snotty bitchitude, and shuffles out of the room.

"Would you believe I sat in your chair so I could fantasize, if just for a moment, what it's like to be you?"

"Sounds reasonable. Now get back to your lowly grease monkey job, peasant."

Amanda informs Alison that the special events manager in San Francisco just called to tell her that MicroComp's product samples never arrived...which means that if she (Alison) doesn't personally fly there on Thursday morning and ensure the delivery of the computers, she risks the embarrassment of holding a press conference about computers with no computers. When Alison cries, "But it's Thanksgiving!", Amanda warns that it's too important a task to leave to someone else. Incidentally, I find it interesting that Steve and Alison would schedule a press conference for the day after Thanksgiving and expect a decent turnout.

Amanda tells Jake she wants her Thanksgiving dinner party to be a great success, not least 'cause her pa can be a major tool if the turkey isn't cooked to perfection. Jake makes a blech face and says he'd rather not have to talk to her shitty father all evening after getting bitched at by him all day at the garage...and Amanda's all, "But daddy helped you pay off your debt to Jo!" Jake grimaces at the mention of Jo and says that working for Papa Woodward is turning about to be just as unbearable as working with Jo was. LOL...and ouch.

Billy apologizes to Alison for being such a jerk about her spending so much time preparing for her upcoming press conference, but then turns into an even bigger jerk when she tells him she has to fly to San Francisco tomorrow morning to deal with a shipping mishap. Billy assumes that Steve will be there and issues her an ultimatum: stay home and neglect your job or I'll be really really mad at you. Alison points out how unfair that is and says she'd never give him an ultimatum regarding Celia, and Billy shoots back that he doesn't send Celia love notes...and admits that, yep, he deleted Steve's flirty email when he was sitting in front of her computer and still believes he had every right to violate her privacy like that. Alison tells him that when she told Steve that he (Billy) is her fella, he promised never to send her a flirty email again - but Billy insists that if she jets off to San Francisco tomorrow, they're through. 

When Alison's airport shuttle arrives the next morning, she chides a pouting Billy for not giving her a choice that allows their relationship to continue while she deals with this work-related emergency...and Billy's like, "Whatever. I won't be here when you get back." Alison says, in that case, the demise of their increasingly inane relationship is squarely on him, wearily says, "Happy Thanksgiving", and heads out.

"I'm heading up to San Francisco to deal with a work emergency."

"How dare you."

Sydney chides Ellen for bringing her to a hooker party without giving her a heads up, and Ellen non-apologizes for the glaring omission of information that would have been really really useful for her to have had prior to her night out with Patch. She then invites Sydney to Kristian Alfonso's house for Thanksgiving dinner, an event that's typically hos only. Sydney's all, "I dunno...I'm nothing like those girls" - but Ellen argues that she's exactly like them, and that it's kewl to have a whole schwack of sisters who "just love you for who you are". Sydney stares contemplatively into space as she mulls the invitation over. 

Billy decides to move in with Jake...and when Amanda notices him transporting his boxes into his new home, she says to Jake, "Lover's quarrel?", and Jake shrugs and wryly says, "It's going around these days." She apologizes for arguing with him about her father and explains that the old man probably acts like such a douchewad 'cause he's intimated by his street smarts and mechanic abilities. Jake's like, "Seems like a stretch, but OK" and heads off to work, and Amanda stays behind to cluck sympathetically at Billy and ask him if his breakup with Alison had anything to do with Steve...then dishes about how the two didn't bother hiding their infatuation with each other. She adds that ever since Alison landed this account she's changed, and Billy grimly calls that an understatement. Amanda coos about how sorry she is that he got hurt and insists that he come to her Thanksgiving soiree, and he's like 'what the hell not? I've got nothing better to do'.

In San Francisco, Alison is setting up the hotel's banquet room for Friday's press conference when Steve wanders in, his freakishly intense gaze fixed on Alison. She's all, "Wha-a-at are you doing here??" and reminds him that he agreed to keep his distance, and he sheepishly apologizes - but then admits that, yep, he flew in early so he could squeeze in some more flirty time with her. A miffed Alison points out that she's only spending Thanksgiving in San Francisco 'cause she has a job to do, then coldly declines his offer to get together for dinner later. 

Jane runs into Sydney on her way back from the laundry room, says she's just had an implausible change of heart about Thanksgiving, and invites her to tag along to Santa Barbara with her and Robert - but Sydney says she's no longer interested in having a family dinner, and instead has plans to dine with prostitutes who truly care about her.

Jake closes up the garage for the day and is about to ride off on his motorcycle when he's approached by two FBI agents who order him to get into the back of their car. 
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Over at FBI headquarters, the agents pepper Jake with questions about all the paperwork he's signed while employed at the garage, along with the 15K he received from Papa Woodward for "the arson job" that destroyed his bike shop. Jake objects to the accidental fire being described as an arson job, but they're like, "Yeah whatever" and explain that they're mostly gunning to nail Papa Woodward, but are A-OK with taking whoever they can get (e.g. him).

Amanda tells her dad she can't imagine what could be keeping Jake, and Papa Woodward cautions her against getting too serious with the grease monkey, who's nowhere near being good enough for a permanent type relationship with her. Amanda gently reminds him that she's a fully grown woman who's capable of choosing who she hops in and out of bed with.

Alison gets a knock on her hotel room door from room service, and gets a massive delivery of flowers, champagne, and a full turkey dinner...compliments of Steve (no surprise), who has passed along a Happy Thanksgiving note. Alison grins at the delivery, then calls Steve to invite him to her room to share the ginormous amount of food he well damn well she wouldn't be able to eat herself.

Sydney arrives at Kristian Alfonso's house to join her and her stable o' hos for dinner. Kristian Alfonso tells her she's thrilled she could join them, then makes it clear that this is just dinner and that there are no strings attached. Sydney beams happily and thanks her for the nice invitation.

Michael wheels over to Kimberly's hospital room and is startled by the sight of Kimberly's mother, Marion. When she sees the stunned look on Michael's face, she snarkishly asks him if he really believed he was the only person Kimberly had in her life...then informs him that she and her daughter talked on the phone every week, which means she well knows what a total shitbag he is and how terribly he treated her. She informs him that she's taking her daughter home to Cleveland, and warns him to never ever come near her again. 

"Did you really think that Kimberly existed in a vacuum purely to serve your lustful purposes?"

"Yeah, kinda."

Jake seats himself next to Jo on the stairwell leading up to her apartment and tells her what a pompous jerkwad Papa Woodward is, and that he misses talking to her (Jo) about his problems 'cause she always knew the right thing to do. Jo says he can still confide in her, but he says that this is one problem he can't discuss.

Amanda apologies to Billy for dumping on Alison earlier, and urges him to not give up so easily on their relationship and fight to keep Alison his girlfriend. Billy mulls that over and decides 'what the hell not? I've got nothing better to do'.

Alison and Steve are chatting and cackling over the sumptuousness of the turkey dinner when the phone rings...and Alison assumes it's yet another work related call and orders Steve to answer. Naturally the caller is Billy, who stonily asks for Alison...but when he hears a bottle of champagne being opened in the background and the audible reaction to bubbly spilling everywhere, he pissily hangs up the phone.

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