Recap: Billy is hard at work on his computer, writing a shitastic screenplay, when Alison enters the kitchen and reminds him it's a week day and that he was supposed to pick up his cab an hour ago. Billy tells her he can't seem to pull himself away from his writing and is somehow under the illusion that he's going to sell his script and make a ton of money as L.A.'s hottest new screenplay writer. LOL. Alison heads off to work and passes Jane as she clingingly canoodles Michael while he cleans the pool. Jane gives Michael a big smooch, reminds him that they have plans tonight to celebrate their three month anniversary of living in L.A., and gives him strict orders to save his penile energy for what she's hoping will be a long, post-dinner doinkfest. Sandy ambles into Melrose Place's (dungeon-like) laundry room to flirtily banter with Jake in her usual sultry southern belle manner. She notices that he's washing his sheets and asks him if he has a romantic naaht planned with his teenage girlfriend, and he weakly insists that he and Kelly are just platonic friends. He then scrunches his chiseled face concernedly and says he's going to have to find a way to make it crystal clear to the persistent teenager that their hookup is never going to evolve into anything past first base. Over in the 90210, David and Steve warn Kelly that if she continues to date Jake, he's going to break her heart. Kelly thanks them for their concern, but stubbornly insists that she knows what she's doing. Michael calls Jane at work to tell her he just learned he's going to be on call at the hospital all night. He promises to be home by midnight, and Jane stares unhappily into space as the two exchange I love yous. Billy drops by D&D to excitedly tell Alison he finished his screenplay, then had a dozen or so copies of the thing printed off so he can send it to every agent in town. He tells Alison he'd really like it if she could read all 120 pages and offer her feedback later today, and Alison's all, "The fuck? I don't have time to do that!" Billy pretends as though he didn't hear that, then beams and says he finally feels like a real writer. Jane tells Sandy that her romantic evening with Michael is off 'cause he's going to be on call at the hospital. Sandy warns Jane about letting "lahf pass you baah" and double-dog-dares her to prove that she's an independent woman by going out for a night of clubbing without the ol' ball and chain.
Jane shows up at the hospital carrying a cardboard tray filled with takeout food and three candles: one for each month they've been living in L.A. Seems like an odd, somewhat superfluous choice for an anniversary to celebrate, but OK. Michael looks happy to see her and introduces her to his doctor colleagues...but a few minutes later his pager goes off and he tells Jane he has to rush off to do some pre-op for a surgery. He urges her to go out tonight and have some fun with her gal pals. Jane decides 'why the hell not enjoy a night out on the town?' and squeezes herself into a skin tight, short black dress and goes to Shooters with Rhonda. The two ogle all the cute men in their orbit like they've never seen the inside of a bar before, and are girlishly cackling to each other when Sandy sashays over. She purrs, "Looks lahk you bagged yoself a taah-get" and motions over at two men, one of whom is a young Nestor Carbonell from Lost. Mmm...Nestor. Jane looks positively giddy at the thought of being checked out by complete strangers in a bar...and discreetly slips off her wedding ring after Sandy points out that she'll never know for sure how hot the men think she is if they know she's a married woman. Alison runs into Matt on the way to her apartment. She tells him she just finished reading Billy's screenplay, and that it's an even worse piece of crap than she assumed it'd be. Matt advises her to tell Billy the truth - but to soften the blow by making him a nice dinner. Rhonda and Jane are sitting with Nestor and his mulleted friend Peter, and the two men are nattering to the ladies about their rock band...which, LOL, I'm totally sure exists. Peter tells Jane she's smokin' hot and asks what her story is - for example, does she have a boyfriend? - and Jane carefully replies, "Technically speaking, not really" and Rhonda shoots her a damn gurrrrrl! look of astonishment from across the table.
Billy happily chirps, "Lucy! I'm home!" when he returns to the apartment after work. He grumbles about his bitchy cab passengers and says he's looking forward to putting that shitty job behind him once he sells his screenplay and becomes a major player in the entertainment biz. LOL. Alison tells him she read the whole thing, and that she made him a casserole for dinner so the two of them could have something to chew on while she gives him her brutally honest opinion of his writing...and Billy translates this to mean it's her way of congratulating him for a job well done. He giddily hugs her and thanks her for "the validation", and Alison winces while staring helplessly into space. Jake and Kelly are shopping for groceries, and Kelly slips into her little girl voice and tells Jake how kewl it is that they're out shopping together to buy all the stuff they need in order to whip up a romantic dinner for two in his apartment. Jake grunts something unintelligible, then looks annoyed when the groceries cost him the last bit of money he has in his wallet. After a game of pinball, Peter suggests that they all head over to a happening dance club. When Jane declines and says she should probably get home, Rhonda pulls her aside and begs her to pleeeeease come, 'cause she's really diggin' Nestor and doesn't want the partying to end. Jane agrees to go to the happening dance club, but stipulates that she has to be home by midnight. Over tuna casserole, Billy asks Alison for her honest opinion of his screenplay, and Alison blurts out, "I hated it" and elaborates on how she hated every single thing about the wretched script. Billy gets pissy and says he regrets giving her a copy, so Alison throws him a bone and says that while reading the horrific thing she may have detected a glimmer of talent. Billy snarls that she has no taste, much like her lousy casserole, then accuses her of being jealous of his passion for writing and not wanting to see him succeed. Alison argues that clearly he has trouble accepting criticism, and Billy's all, "Hmph!" and storms out of the apartment. After some bopping to the '90s beat at the happening dance club, Peter and Jane head back to their table. When he leans in for a kiss, she snaps, "Don't!" and confesses that she's married. Peter chuckles and says he's not buying it 'cause she's not wearing a wedding ring...and Jane reaches for her purse and rifles through it, suddenly looks panicked, then moans, "Oh God.." Kelly gets all smoochy with Jake while he's cooking dinner, and he half-heartedly fends her off and says he'd rather they didn't start something he can't finish. Kelly responds by smothering him with even more kisses until the phone rings, and Jake shoves her away to run into the other room to answer it. He covertly tells whoever's on the other end, "That's OK...just don't be any later than 10:30pm." Subtle, Jake. Alison finds Billy sulking at the bar at Shooters. He asks her if his screenplay was really that bad, and she confirms that, yep, it was the most cliche ridden, uninspiring piece of dreck she's ever had the misfortune to read...and didn't want to expend a single ounce of energy lying to him about how hard it sucked. Billy glumly says he had been so proud of himself for actually completing a writing project, then wonders if he's been fooling himself by thinking he could make it in life as a writer (um, yes..?). Alison points out that this was only his first attempt, and that most writers deal with years of rejection before they get published. She urges him to keep trying and to believe in himself, and he seems reasonably satisfied with those platitudes.
Kelly puts on some romantic music and seats herself on Jake's couch...and a few seconds later, Jake turns the lights back on, shuts off the stereo, and tells her he's utterly, totally, completely ass-backwards wrong for her. Kelly dismisses that notion and insists that she understands him more than he realizes and would like to show him how supportive she can be. They're interrupted by a knock on the door...and when Jake answers it, a leggy brunette named Margot strides in, calls Jake honey, and apologizes for being late. She glances over at Kelly and asks whaddup with the teenage blonde on his couch, and Jake breezily tells her that they just had some dinner. Margot gets fake miffed and chides Jake for not giving a damn that he's two timing her, snaps, "You're not worth the grief!" and storms out. Jake runs out after her and tells her she did a great acting job in there, but laments looking like a heartless jerk to Kelly. Margot nods and says, "It needed doing" and Jake concurs, thanks her, and tells her he owes her one. He then heads back inside, where a tearful Kelly asks him why he'd be so dickish as to invite a woman over while she was hanging out, and Jake shoots her a stony glare and woodenly replies, "Because I feel nothing for you." Kelly decides she's done making guest appearances on this spin-off, not least 'cause there's a love triangle with Dylan and Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210 she needs to start fomenting. She croaks, "For what it's worth, I loved you" and scurries out the door.
Jane is crawling on the floor of the dance club - not the wisest idea considering her short black dress - looking for her wedding band, while Peter scrunches his face in annoyance. When the search turns out to be fruitless, the foursome returns to Melrose Place to end the evening. Rhonda tells Jane she feels bad that she lost her ring, and Jane's like, "Ah well, whaddya gonna do?" and rightly admits that no one held a gun to her head and forced her to go out partying and slip off her wedding ring to fool strange men into thinking she was single. As Rhonda kisses Nestor goodbye, Jane tells Peter that she's going to 'fess up to her husband and tell him her version of the truth: that she thought she was missing out on something, even though everything she's ever wanted was here all along...and, oops, in the process, lost the heirloom ring he gave her on their wedding day. She tells Peter he's a nice guy and shakes his hand goodbye, and he seems satisfied with that and shuffles off. Michael is waiting up for Jane, and she sheepishly apologizes for being late and solemnly tells him she did something crazy. He puts a hand over her mouth, gives her a big smooch, and steers her over to the bedroom for a belated three months in L.A. anniversary doink. Billy is burning his screenplay in the barbecue and tells Alison he's happy he got his first flop under his belt, and that from now on he's going to write about stuff he knows. Like how a boneheaded Californian with permanently disheveled hair thought he had the brainpower to become even a mediocre screenplay writer. Sandy is playing pool at Shooters when Jake drops by. He tells her he broke things off with Kelly in the most asshole-ish way possible, and that he feels bad for breaking her heart. Sandy tells him his regret is a clear sign that he has a heart, then purrs, "You should be used to it bah naah" and assures him he did the right thing by cutting the infatuated teenager loose. One of her co-workers, who's sweeping up the bar, tells Sandy he just found something interesting, and Sandy sees that the interesting thing is Jane's missing wedding ring. Michael and Jane are basking in the afterglow of their post-doink canoodling, waxing on about the amaaaaazing sex they just had. She's about to confess losing her wedding ring when Sandy knocks on the door. She tells Jane she found her ring...and when Michael appears behind her and is all, "Wha-a-a? You lost your wedding ring?", Sandy says she found it in the laundry room. The two thank her and get back to their canoodling, and Sandy wanders back across the courtyard. She runs into Jake, who's sitting on the steps leading up to her apartment, and he tells her that she too has a heart...and the episode ends with the two of them staring longingly at each other. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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MELROSE PLACE HOMEPAGE
Recapper: Isabel K. French 
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