Melrose Place - Season 1, Episode 2

"We need to talk about your clingyness."

"Friends and Lovers"
Original airdate: 7/15/1992

Episode summary: Alison gets miffed when Billy starts up a romance with a clingy woman.

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Recap: Alison complains to Billy that he made the morning coffee too strong, then bitches at him for rummaging through her newspaper before she got a chance to read it. He tells her he really just needs the classifieds now that whoever hired him at the Arthur Murray dance studio realized he has zero rhythm or even minimal dancing abilities. Alison moans about how worried she is that Hal Barber is going to get her fired, so Billy suggests she preemptively scare him by threatening legal action about his blatant sexual harassment.

Jake gets enraged when the hot water in his shower suddenly turns ice cold. He storms over to Michael's apartment with just a towel wrapped around his buff wet bod - mmm hmm - and gets all in Michael's face about how he's been complaining for a month about the shitty plumbing. Michael tells him to chillax, just as the other Melrose Place residents are gathering 'round to enjoy the spectacle of a half naked Jake getting himself all worked up. Jane appears in the doorway and promises Jake that they'll take care of it, and Michael agrees to finally get off his ass and call a plumber. As Jake storms back toward his apartment, Sandy appears on the stairwell wearing baby doll pajamas and cooingly asks Jake what's wrong. When he snarks that he's out of work and has to head over to the unemployment office, she seductively purrs, "Yule land on yo feeeet" and offers to buy him a beer at Shooters tonight.

Jane tells Michael she had a dream about the night they first met, then dreamily babbles about the exact moment she knew she was in love with him. She asks him to describe the moment he first fell in love with her, but he just stares blankly into space and says he can't think straight 'cause he had a long night at the hospital. LOL.

Alison arrives at D&D and finds Hal Barber standing beside her reception desk, staring at her expectantly. She summons her courage and tells him she's considered her options regarding his sexual harassment last night and has decided she's A-OK with losing her job if that's what it will take to bring a creep like him to justice. Hal shrugs and says they merely went on a date that didn't end in the sack, however hard he tried, then breezily says, "Do what you want to do" and saunters up to his office. A few seconds later, a female employee dishes to Alison that a woman in the Payroll Department just filed a complaint against Hal for sexual harassment...and Alison lets out a sigh of relief that this tedious subplot will get resolved by some nameless D&D employee off camera. Someone informs Alison that her cab is here, and she's all, "Wuh? Cab?" then goes outside to investigate. She finds an excited looking Billy standing next to a yellow cab, and he tells her he just landed a job as a cab driver. He says he'd like to celebrate his new career this weekend, and she suggests they paint the apartment together. Billy gamely says he's in, then asks her how things went with Hal, and she happily reports that the problem magically worked itself out.

"I've decided to report you for sexual harassment. Please don't call my bluff."

"I'm not surprised. I pretty much have it coming with a bunch of different women."

At Shooters, Sandy shows her boss a stack of head shots she had taken for her actress wannabe portfolio, but her boss frowns disapprovingly and says the photographs look nothing like her and show off too much cleavage. Plus, it's doubtful that if she doesn't happen to land a role as a mint-julep-tea-sipping southern belle she'd be able to demonstrate much range as an actress. Kelly appears at the bar, admires the head shots, and tells Sandy she dropped by to meet Jake for lunch and tell him that her mom just had a baby girl. Sandy purringly informs her that she can probably find Jake at the unemployment office.

After sitting in the unemployment office's waiting room for a couple of hours, Jake is finally called to the window...but is told he filled out his forms incorrectly and has to resubmit them and then wait around some more.  

Billy picks up a '90s perm sporting passenger named Marcy, then starts prattling about how no one who lives in L.A. is originally from L.A. Marcy seems intrigued by his inane chit-chat and moves to the front passenger seat of the cab so she can fawn over him at a closer range. She gushes about how much he looks like Bruce Springsteen (mmm...nope), and then the two realize they once attended the same Springsteen concert and sat two rows apart! Squeal! Billy asks her if she'd like to go out for Italian, and she eagerly accepts.

Jake is getting increasingly annoyed by the endless wait to submit his forms, and gets into a physical altercation with one of the unemployment office clerks - just as Kelly arrives. He's quickly subdued by security, then gets arrested for creating a public disturbance.

Kelly heads straight over to the police station and tries to use her credit card to bail Jake out, but is told it's maxed out. She looks shocked, but also a tad turned on, when the police officer informs her that Jake is a stereotypically misunderstood bad boy who has multiple arrests on his record.

Billy brings Marcy home with him, and the two roll around on the couch, kissing intensely. Alison arrives home with a bag of paint supplies and looks put out that Billy brought a woman home on Paint Night, and Billy and Marcy quickly remove themselves from her haughty glare by scampering to his bedroom.

Alison preps the walls to be painted, but gets so distracted by the giggling coming from Billy's room that she stands in front of the door so she can brazenly eavesdrop. When Billy emerges from his room to use the bathroom, Alison snarkishly tells him he's moving a little fast with a woman he just met, then stammers, "Are you going to...going to..?" and Billy assumes she's trying to ask him if he's planning on raw dogging it or wearing a condom. Alison denies she was thinking of anything sex-related and whines, "I though we were going to paint the apartment" and Billy tells her he's free to paint all day tomorrow. 

The next morning, Marcy basks in afterglow while Billy pretends to Alison that he and Marcy just spent the night talking. Marcy tells Billy he was fantaaaaastic last night, then asks him to guess what she does for a living. When Alison cheekily guesses astronaut (ha!) Marcy giddily reveals that she's a dental student, which seems like a pretty mundane career choice to invite people to guess at. 

Jake is being released on bail when Kelly arrives at the police station and explains that she had to wait until the bank opened before she could withdraw his bail money. Jake snaps, "You bailed me out?" then says he's no good for her, them being from different parts of L.A. - I means worlds and all. He says he'll pay her back as soon as he can, then storms off...leaving Kelly bleating, "Jaaaaake! Don't do this!"

"Shit. You're the reason I'm out of jail?"

"Yes, and I will only accept a romantic candlelit dinner as payback."

Marcy is lighting candles throughout the apartment when Alison arrives home and scrunches her face in a pained expression of disapproval. Marcy tells her that Billy went to the grocery store to pick up food for their dinner, then obliviously gushes on and on about how awesome their new romance is. She asks Alison to dish about everything she knows about Billy, and Alison says she can't dish much 'cause she's only been roommates with him for a week. Marcy says she's surprised by that 'cause of how protective she seems of him. Billy returns home with a bag of groceries, and Marcy smothers him with smooches and suggests they work up an appetite in his bedroom. Ew.

Jane continues to pout about Michael not remembering the precise millisecond he fell in love with her, and tells him she's worried it's symptomatic of a larger problem: that the romance in their dull-as-fuck marriage is deadsville. Alison barges in to complain about the speed at which Marcy's and Billy's romance has progressed, and Jane says maybe it's love at first sight, then asks her if she's jealous. Alison insists she's not jealous - but rather that she feels left out in her own apartment. She asks if she can stay at their place for the night...and when they're like, "Uh, sure..?" Alison tells them it's sooooo nice being around a married couple who "have it so together".

On Saturday, the Melrose gang decides to have a poolside barbecue. Marcy tells Matt she looooves that the apartment complex is like a family...and Steve Sanders shows up as Sandy's underage date so the two can continue chatting about her long shot dream of stardom. He invites her to attend a party at the Beverly Hills Beach Club with him and his dork friends, and Sandy contorts her face into an ew expression and disdainfully replies, "A haa school paaaty?" Before he can respond with, "Well, d'yuh", Marcy bounds over and introduces herself as Billy's new girlfriend, then corrects herself and says it's actually more accurate to overshare to complete strangers by referring to herself as his lover. Sandy ambles over to Jake and says she didn't get a chance to buy him that beer at Shooters, and he grunts, "I've been busy" and moodily stalks off. Marcy continues to overshare about the orgasmic doinkings she's been getting from Billy for the last two days, and Billy overhears and stares bewilderedly into space. He heads over to the barbecue to relieve Alison from grilling duty, and tells her that this thing is Marcy is going too fast. Alison concurs that she's very aggressive and has put his entire sex life on display, which has been pretty blechy for anyone within earshot. Billy then stares blankly into space and hallucinates that Dr. Ruth Westheimer is counselling an oversexed talk-a-holic Marcy, who gabbles endlessly about how awesome Billy is in bed and satisfies her like no other. 

"Wanna go to the prom with me?"

"No. Wanna ask your mother if she can get me into show business?"

That evening, Jake arrives home and finds Michael working on a pipe (or something)...but then he quickly throws his tool down and admits that since he's a doctor not a plumber, he has no idea what the hell he's doing. Jake apologizes for his outburst the other day and admits he often has trouble containing his bad boy anger issues. Michael reminds him he has lots of friends at Melrose and shouldn't be shy about asking for help...and a few seconds later, Jane appears in the doorway of their apartment, bitchily says good night to Michael, then goes back inside.

When Marcy shows no signs of wanting to leave Billy's apartment, Billy asks her if she shouldn't head home and study for her upcoming dental exam, and Marcy's like, "Noooo, it's still the weekend" (well...Sunday night) and that she'd much prefer to stay over at his place uninvited. Billy says he'd really like to work on his writing this evening, and she's like, "Go ahead!" and says she won't utter a peep while staring at him adoringly. She then declares, "I think I love you" and pretends to not hear the audible groan that involuntarily escapes Billy's mouth. 

The next morning, Alison tells Billy she's annoyed about Marcy staying over at their place all the time, and Billy's like, "Right?" and says that last night she declared her love for him. He says the only thing resembling emotion he feels for her is a mild case of lust, and Alison's like, "Gross! I don't want to hear that!" - just as Marcy calls out to Billy from the bathroom to tell him she needs a towel.

Donna, David, and Kelly are about to leave Kelly's house to visit Jackie and baby Erin in the hospital. Jake rides up on his motorcycle to pay back some of the bail money Kelly loaned him - but she angrily throws the money back at him, growls, "Keep it!", and says she was merely trying to be a friend when she posted his bail.

Jake is sitting at the bar in Shooters, glumly drinking a beer when Billy joins him to complain about the Marcy Situation. He says he's resorted to avoiding his clingy new girlfriend, but Jake doesn't recommend that approach and advises him to come up with a more long lasting solution. He then moans about being pigeon-holed on Melrose Place as a macho, leather jacket wearing bad boy who's always putting up a false front, and regrets that he hasn't been more straightforward with the people in his life. He urges Billy to just come right out and tell Marcy she's suffocating him, and Billy's like, "Will do" and heads out to end the short-lived relationship before the end credits start rolling. Jake asks Sandy if she's up for a meaningless romp, but she poutishly declines and says she has no desire to be sloppy seconds to a teenage bimbo he keeps giving mixed messages to.

"There's a clingy broad I can't shake off my leg."

"Tell her you died."

Marcy races across the Melrose Place courtyard and exuberantly hugs Billy, and he grimaces and says, "We have to talk." Marcy senses nothing amiss with those four ominous words and gabbles about how nothing like this has ever happened to her before - and he gets impatient and tells her to shut it 'cause she's been coming on waaaaay too strong, and can't possibly be in love with him after knowing him only two days. Marcy says she's just been honest about her feelings and insists that it is love. Billy tells her he doesn't feel the same way, and Marcy looks shame-faced and says this always happens to her, then moans, "Why do I dooooo this?" She apologizes to Billy for all of the clinging and oversharing and says she should probably get home and study and never again be seen on Melrose Place. Phew. I guess that's the end of that.

To placate Jane, Michael tells her he knows he's in love with her every moment of every day, but that he constantly fears losing her...and Jane looks impressed with the odd declaration of his love/insecurity and leaps into his lap and gives him a giant smooch.

Jake returns to Kelly's house and apologizes for treating her so shabbily during these first two spin-off episodes. He says that while he can't promise her anything in the romance department, he doesn't want to lose her friendship...then asks her if she'd like to ride down to the beach with him. She eagerly accepts, and the two ride off on his motorcycle together. 

As Billy and Alison paint their apartment, he tells her he broke things off with Marcy 'cause of how much in a hurry she was to be in a relationship. Alison pretends to be sorry to hear that and tells him he should always feel comfortable talking to her about stuff like this. He exclaims, "What a weekend!" and the two giggle together and look like they're about to bond hard over the shared chore of painting their apartment walls.  

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