Recap: The Melrose Place gang is gathered at Michael's/Jane's apartment, and for some reason everyone's willingly watching 1969 footage of when Jane was a baby. When the home movie footage comes to a merciful end, Michael excitedly announces that tomorrow is their baby's first ultrasound...and everyone does their best to feign interest in that as they simultaneously make a break for the door.
Upon their return to their apartment, Alison snarks at Billy for stinking up the place with his distinctive "guy smell" and complains that he never does laundry or any form of housecleaning. Billy promises to get right on that tomorrow, then makes a bet with Alison that if he doesn't follow through, he'll treat her to dinner. Yawn.
The next morning, Billy runs into Jake in the laundry room and for some reason holds up one of Alison's bras and remarks on how perplexing he finds it that women have to wear such snug fitting undergarments. He takes his childish bemusement one stupid step further by putting the bra on over his t-shirt...and Jake reacts by giggling like a schoolgirl. The pubescent buffoonery comes to an abrupt end when Alison enters the laundry room, sees what Billy and Jake are laughing about, and angrily snatches her bra away from Billy before storming out.
Over at the hospital, Michael is bantering with Dr. Kimberly Shaw (squeal!) about the surgery schedule and how their afternoon surgery conflicts with Jane's ultrasound. Kimberly eggs Michael on to confront the attending physician (Dr. Levin) about it since he just happens to be headed their way with a group of interns. Michael approaches Dr. Levin, politely asks if he can be excused from the 1:00pm surgery so he can be present at his spawn's ultrasound, but the humorless Dr. Levin's like, "Fuck off, I'm not making any changes to the schedule."
Matt gives Jane a lift to the hospital, then is roped into keeping her company during the ultrasound. Michael explains that he wasn't able to get out of surgery, wishes a pouty Jane good luck, and rushes off to get scrubbed up.
Dr. Fisher and a technician perform the ultrasound...and a few seconds into it, they exchange worried glances. Dr. Fisher asks Matt to step outside so he can tell Jane in private that her lifeless baby has no heartbeat...and that it's pretty weird she hasn't yet had a miscarriage. As Jane wigs out and is all, "Wha-a-a-a??", Dr. Fisher tells her they're going to have to get her to an OR and remove the expired fetus asap.
Billy gets insulted when he discovers that Alison has had a lock installed on her bedroom door. He blames the bra incident on his startling-for-a-grown-man level of immaturity, but Alison snarks, "That's no excuse!" and calls him a pervert. She then says it's probably good that that the bra idiocy happened, 'cause clearly she needed reminding that the two of them are nothing more than roommates who only put up with each other so they can split the rent. Billy argues that they've become much more than that, and implores her to find it in her heart to overlook his general boneheadedness and consider reinstating their friendship status.
Dr. Fisher tells Michael that Jane is out of surgery and that [were it not for his imminent dalliance with Dr. Kimberly Shaw that puts a swift end to his boring-as-fuck marriage] he and his wife could try for spawn #2, pronto.
Matt is in the Melrose Place courtyard, filling everyone in about the ultrasound gone bad when Michael and Jane return home. They're all like, "We're sooooo sorry", but assure the two that there's plenty of time for them to have lots of kids...'cause, yeah, that'd be super entertaining to watch on a soapy night time drama.
Jane moans to Michael about how surreal it is that the miracle of life which was once nestled inside of her is suddenly gone, and Michael grunts about how sad he is about his spawn checking out while in utero.
Alison natters to Billy about how sad she is about Jane's loss...and Billy's like, "Yep, it's a real shame", then swiftly changes the subject to her annoyance at him for trying on her bra. OMFG. Alison gets annoyed about it all over again, makes it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, then accuses him of ogling her hooters just now.
Jane has a dream that she's cradling a baby blanket without a baby in it, then wakes up in a cold sweat. Michael, meanwhile, is putting the crib in a storage unit with his normally bland-expressioned face contorted into one of sadness.
The next day at the hospital, Kimberly tells Michael she's surprised he came in to work, then suggests he's in denial about his lost spawn. Michael insists he's not, says it's better for him to come to work and keep busy, then snarks at her for presuming to talk to him about this personal matter as though she were his psychiatrist.
As Alison gets out of the shower and towels off, Billy knocks on the door to announce that he's off to Shooters...then explains that he often comes off as an immature dolt 'cause of a long tradition of him being the class clown. Alison doesn't reply, and instead just mutely stares at her bare hooters in the mirror.
Jane calls her mom to tell her about the pregnancy no-go and assures her that she and Michael are doing A-OK...and a few seconds later, Jake and Sandy drop by with a scrappy looking little pooch to cheer them up. Michael looks less than thrilled about having a pet to take care of between long hospital shifts and also reminds them about the complex's no dog policy - but an oblivious Sandy assures him that no one's going to rat them out to the landlord.
By the next morning, the small dog has made an implausibly giant mess of the apartment, then caps off his messy rampage by peeing on Michael's medical bag. Jane hurriedly takes the pooch out for a walk...then, for some reason, unhooks his leash so he can race around and wreak havoc in the courtyard.
Billy asks Jake to jimmy Alison's new lock so he can sneak into her bedroom and retrieve the cassette tapes he loaned her. He then whines to Jake about Alison overreacting about bra-gate, and Jake somehow refrains from telling him to shut the fuck up about Alison's fucking bra already.
Dr. Levin rips Michael a new one for administering the wrong dosage of medication to a patient and orders him to go home for the rest of the day so he can think about what he did. Kimberly follows Michael to the locker room and implores him to use the mandatory down time to come to grips with the loss of his spawn, and Michael snarkishly tells her to stop bugging him about it and get a damn life of her own. She looks hurt and snaps, "Go to hell, Mancini!" before storming out of the room.
Jane ropes Matt into coming along on a dog walk at the beach. She absently lets the dog off-leash again, natters to a bored Matt about how sad she is that her dream of motherhood has been put on hold, then suddenly realizes that her new pet is nowhere to be found.
Alison gets angry at Jake for tampering with her lock at Billy's behest, then announces that she's going to get revenge...and by get revenge, she barges into Billy's room, rifles through his underwear drawer, and gawks at the lurid cover on his copy of Playpen. That'll show him.
Michael returns home after hours of driving aimlessly around Los Angeles. Jane tells him she lost their new pet at the beach, and he's all, "How in the fuck did that happen?!" Right?! Jane says she's irked that he seemingly had no emotions about their lost spawn, but now is sooooo upset about losing their dog of one day. Michael blurts out that he's harboring resentment against her 'cause she once considered aborting their baby, and an aghast Jane shoots him the stink-eye and storms out of the apartment.
At the hospital, Michael apologizes to Kimberly for being such a rude turd yesterday - but Kimberly says she thought it over and realized that she really doesn't have a life of her own. No duh. She tells him she'd like for them to become [fuck] buddies and use each other as sounding boards whenever they need to blow off steam [mmm hmm]...then wistfully remarks on what a lucky woman Jane is. Even though she's not, 'cause...well, it's Michael she's married to.
Billy implores Alison to open up about what's really bothering her, 'cause he's not buying that this contrived conflict between them is 100% bra related. Alison explains that when she was a child, her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, and took an interminably loooooooong time to feel good about her body again. As Billy stares sheepishly into space, Alison adds that she hates magazines like Playpen 'cause of the way they sexualize women's mammaries...but then agrees that she really does need to open up to him a lot more about all the stuff that bugs her. Bravo. I shall consider bra-gate officially resolved.
The Melrose gang convenes at the beach to aid in the half-hearted search for Jane's/Michael's missing dog. Michael shows up unexpectedly, admits to Jane that he was a shit for implying that she brought on the miscarriage because she once contemplated getting an abortion, then natters about how confuuuuused he still is about not becoming a daddy in a matter of months.
The missing dog is discovered living the high life with a grey-haired woman in overalls who lives in a ramshackle house on the beach. She tells Jane and Michael she happily took in the abandoned pooch, named him Barney, then waxes on and on about what a super awesome dog he is. She sadly hands him over to Michael, declines his offer of a reward, and kisses the pooch goodbye. As Jane and Michael start to amble off, it hits them at the exact same time that Overalls would be a far better dog owner than two self-absorbed people such as themselves could ever hope to be. When they ask her if she'd like to keep the dog as her forever pet, she woots happily at their change of heart and cuddles a very relieved looking Barney.
Jane and Michael wrap up this dud of an episode by walking along the beach and exchanging I love yous. Yawn.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
8/26/2019 11:58:52 pm
Ahhhhhh, the beginning of the Michael/Kimberly saga! So glad you're recapping MP now!
Leave a Reply.
MELROSE PLACE HOMEPAGE
Recapper: Isabel K. French
Your contributions help keep the site ad-free
Television of Yore
Snide recaps of television's most entertaining classics