Recap: Jasper's Legend has just finished performing at the After Dark, and fortunately it was off-camera so we aren't tortured by the spectacle of pretty white people bobbing their heads to the beat. David gushes about how great they sounded, and one of the band members smugly retorts, "Always does", while another suggests they play the song that David recently sold to them. David, who's standing next to Valerie, says that's a terrible idea (I couldn't agree more), but Valerie disagrees and says she'd looove to hear it. David says that Noah's more of an "up-tempo guy", so he probably wouldn't want to hear a love song playing in his club...and Valerie scrunches her face in confusion and says she didn't realize he had sold the band a love song. She asks if it's about anyone she knows - like herself, for example - and David just stares mutely into space like a deer caught in headlights.
Brandon is hunched over the bar, getting sloshed. Noah urges him to throw in the towel on his relationship with Kelly, and Brandon bitches at him for daring to give him that sensible advice.
David goes out to the parking lot and finds Mark (the prickly douche from Jasper's Legend) sitting in the driver's seat of his van, smoking a joint and drinking. David reminds him that the band has an audition later - but Mark just shoots him the stink-eye, starts the engine, and squeals off. David despairingly yells after the van, "What about the audition?!"
Beach house. Jeff arrives to pick up Kelly for their dinner date and brings her a bouquet of flowers. As she puts them in water, the phone rings...and it's Brandon, dialing while drunk. He rambles nonsense for a little while, then abruptly says, "Take care" and hangs up.
The Walsh house. Brandon tells Valerie that what The Beverly Beat needs right now is to immediately shut down operations - sorry, I mean publish a restaurant review. Valerie says she's too busy busting her butt at the clinic to do it, which segue ways into Brandon asking who Kelly is currently dating...but then he changes his mind and says he doesn't really want to know. David interrupts to announce that Mark just got into a car accident, which means that Jasper's Legend is going to have to put their plans for future greatness on hold.
Donna is at a photo shoot, where her clothing designs for Child's Play are being modeled by a tantrummy kid named Sasha. Donna's boss tells her that the shoot has to go well, and that that's a challenge 'cause Sasha keeps acting up. Sasha whines to her mom that she doesn't want to go to tomorrow's movie audition 'cause she promised to take her to the circus, then notices Donna's bracelets and demands that she hand them over. Donna gives her a strange look and says, "I don't think so" and lectures the mother about not giving in to her brat every time she wants something. The mother haughtily retorts that if she's interested in avoiding a tantrum, she'll hand over the damn bracelets - but Donna refuses, and her boss does not look pleased.
The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Brandon she's worried about Steve, who's still bummed about Hilary Swank's departure in the previous episode. Brandon goes over to where Steve is moping and tries to cheer him up by suggesting that he write a sports story. Steve mulls that over and says he could always do an interview with Mike Piazza 'cause he's friends with his publicist (or some such thing).
Clinic. Jeff has just diagnosed a young woman named Ellen with chlamydia...and she's all freaked out 'cause she got the STD from someone other than her boyfriend. Awkward. Jeff's like, "Sucks to be you" and turns his attention to Kelly and invites her to dinner at a restaurant called Updike's...a conversation Valerie overhears. She quickly gets on the horn with Brandon and tells him she's free to do a restaurant review with him after all, and suggests they dine at Updike's.
Bridal boutique. Steve is chatting with his Piazza connection, Christy, as she tries on her wedding gown. He needlessly explains that he's really just doing this interview to get over a "busted relationship", and Christy looks intrigued and asks him how it feels to end something so intense. [Steve's and Hilary Swank's relationship was not so much intense as it was dull-as-fuck.] Christy abruptly announces that what she's about to do is wrong, thanks Steve for helping her see the light, then rushes into the fitting room to change out of her gown.
After Dark. Jasper and Noah try to persuade David to replace Mark on the keyboard (noooooooo!!!). Mark enters the club with his arm in a sling and announces that he's suing the club, and accuses Noah of over-serving him and thereby causing his car accident.
Updike's. Brandon spots Kelly and Jeff enter the restaurant...and Kelly's all, "Wha-at are you doing here?" He tells her he's there to write a restaurant review - but Kelly doesn't buy that this is just a coincidence. Brandon denies spying on her and snappishly says, "Enjoy your date" and Kelly snaps back, "I will" and flounces over to where Jeff is sitting. Valerie arrives looking all faux innocent and asks Brandon if he's ready to order, but he grumbles, "I've lost my appetite" and stomps out...and Valerie smirkingly stares into space.
Photo shoot. Sasha decides it would be fun to put lipstick all over her face, and her mother irritably snaps at the makeup person to clean her up. Donna grins and says she probably just wanted to look like a clown - but the mother doesn't look amused and tells Donna to keep her distance. She accuses her of upsetting Sasha so much yesterday that it caused her to blow her audition. Donna complains about Sasha's mother's bitchiness to her boss, but he snappishly says he doesn't give a rat's ass, and that raising a bratty kid isn't their job.
The Walsh house. Brandon and Valerie enter the kitchen and find Christy whipping up a batch of pancakes. She explains that she's a friend of Steve's, and that he said it was OK if she crashed at their place for awhile. She then starts needlessly gabbling about what a horrible mistake she almost made...and gets so overcome by the bullet she dodged that she forgets to flip the pancakes. Steve rushes into the kitchen, turns off the stove, and offers to take her out for breakfast.
The Peach Pit. David is sitting at a table, writing song lyrics (noooooooo!!!) when nosy Nat asks him what he's working on. He says he's trying to write a follow-up to Precious (%$#!), then gripes about how he can't seem to write a love song about his current squeeze, Valerie. Mark saunters in and offers to look over his lyrics, but David responds by reminding him that he saw him smoking dope shortly before the accident. Mark snarks at him to shut up...and if he doesn't, he'll fix it so that he won't be able to work with the band anymore.
Clinic. Ellen has just informed her boyfriend, Tim, that she fucked around on him and contracted chlamydia. Tim gets very upset, but Jeff and Kelly remind him that even though Ellen broke his trust, she's doing her darnedest to try to win it back. I'm not sure how this falls under the category of Any of Their Business.
Photo shoot. Donna shows her boss the shots from yesterday and remarks on what an annoying brat Sasha is. The boss says that since they've committed thousands of dollars to this brat, she's the face of Child's Play. He then summarily fires Donna for not indulging Sasha with her bracelets yesterday, and Donna's all, "Wha-a?!" 'cause she can't believe he's actually penalizing her for not giving in to a spoiled child.
The Walsh house. Christy's fiance, Harry, shows up to discuss his future wife's cold feet. She's all, "Ack!" and pleads with Brandon to help her flee. Brandon tells her they can escape through the kitchen door - the fuckety fuck is going on here?? - and the two clandestinely sneak out. Someone please explain to me why there's an entire storyline built around two people we've never seen or heard of before.
After Dark. David bitchily asks Noah when he cuts people off at the bar, and Noah says he doesn't normally track that kind of thing. David accuses him of allowing surly Mark to get drunk and snarls, "I hope you get nailed!"
The Walsh house. Harry is mad at Steve 'cause he thinks he talked Christy out of wanting to get married. Harry insists that he and Christy will be getting married tomorrow and doesn't accept that she might be having second thoughts. When he sees her wedding gown hanging on the bathroom door, he suddenly deflates and whimpers, "I can't lose her" and Steve gives him a comforting pat and says he knows what it's like to get dumped.
The Peach Pit. Donna joins David at the counter and glumly tells him she just got fired from her dream job. David's all, "Wha-a?" and Donna wails, "I didn't even do anything wrong!" She tells him about Sasha and her bitchy stage mother...but insists she'd still do the same thing all over again. She then sanctimoniously tells David that if she had to do something unethical to keep her job, then maybe it's not worth having.
Brandon and Christy are eating hot dogs and chatting about the misery that is their lives. He says she probably just has pre-wedding jitters, then tells her that he recently shattered his girlfriend's trust in him by screwing a sassy redhead, and moans, "It's hell not being in the relationship."
Clinic. Ellen tells Kelly that Tim is in the exam room with Jeff, getting a prescription for the STD she infected him with. She admits to being very stupid for cheating on him, but is hopeful that Tim will be willing to give her a second chance (subtle, show)...and when Tim finishes up with his appointment, the two leave together. Valerie notices them stroll off and makes a snarky remark about how those two are together, yet Kelly won't even give Brandon the time of day. Kelly glares at her and snaps, "Don't you have a toilet to clean?"
Photo shoot. Sasha is throwing a tantrum and demanding to be taken to the circus...and a few seconds later, Donna bursts in decked out like a clown. You heard me. Her boss bitchily reminds her that she no longer works for him...and while he's saying that, Sasha promises to finish up the shoot - but only if Donna gets to stay and entertain her with clown tricks. When the mom eagerly agrees, the boss has no choice but to give in.
The Walsh house. When Christy returns with Brandon, Steve tells her that Harry is waiting for her to call, so she goes upstairs to start repairing that relationship. Brandon calls Valerie and tells him he's not up for doing a restaurant review tonight...so then Valerie tells Kelly that her car won't start and asks her for a ride home. Instead of snarking that she can crawl home on her hands and knees for all she cares, Kelly agrees to drop her off.
The Beverly Beat. Noah drops by to see David and admit that he was a careless bartender with no regard to how drunk Mark was getting. I'm not sure why he feels compelled to explain anything to David. He then tells David that he once drove drunk, and it resulted in the death of his true love...and David awkwardly nods at Noah's needless soul-baring.
The Walsh house. Kelly walks with Valerie to the front door and says she should probably go inside and talk to Brandon. She goes upstairs and enters Brandon's bedroom at the exact moment he and Christy are hugging to celebrate her wedding being back on. As Kelly's all, "Wha-a?!" Christy hastily assures her that there's no hanky panky going on here, and that she's getting married tomorrow - but Kelly just glares at Brandon and says it doesn't really matter, because she'll always think the worst about him now.
Photo shoot. Sasha is obediently posing for the camera (now that she's been promised a trip to the circus) when Donna arrives after being summoned by her boss. He compliments her ability to handle "the talent" and offers her her job back...and Donna sanctimoniously says she didn't wear the clown suit to get her job back, but because she wanted to keep a promise to a little girl. She then says that she'll only come back if she gets to be in charge of the working hours that are being set for children...and her boss agrees, and the two shake on it.
Clinic. Kelly signs off on Valerie's community service and tells her she can finally get lost now. Jeff asks Kelly if she's OK, and she tells him that the guy they ran into at Updike's the other night is her ex-boyfriend. Jeff says he can tell she's struggling, and that she should take her time jumping into a new relationship [hopefully with him]. The two kiss...and Valerie witnesses the smooching, grins maniacally, and blurts out, "See ya!"while heading out (hopefully to go find a life of her own).
Steve and Brandon attend Christy's and Harry's wedding. Harry gabbles to Steve about how he'd never let anything get in the way of his love for Christy...and that he would have followed her to Montana if she had moved there under the pretense of caring for her sick father. Steve mulls that over and realizes he must not have really loved Hilary Swank...and a few seconds later, Christy flounces over and promises to arrange a day/time for him to interview Mike Piazza.
Beach house. Donna plays the answering machine messages and listens to one from Brandon, moaning about how much he misses Kelly. A few seconds later, Kelly returns home and says how relieved she is that Valerie has finished her community service at the clinic...and sensed that she was trying to deliberately mess things up between her and Brandon. Ya think? Donna tells her that Brandon left her a phone message, but she makes a face and says she has no interest in hearing it.
The Walsh house. Mark and Jasper drop by to talk to David about the lawsuit against the After Dark. David says he thinks it's wrong to sue the bar, then tattles on Mark for smoking a doobie just before he squealed off in his van and got into an accident. Mark glares at him and says it doesn't excuse Noah for over-serving him at the bar, then says if he ever breathes a word about his pot use to anyone, he's out of the band. David just shrugs and says, "I'm out, then." Jasper hastily tells him he's not, and Mark is all, "Wuh?" so Jasper makes it clear that he's choosing David over him. Mark storms out, and Jasper welcomes David to the band (fuuuuuuuuuck).
After Dark. Donna tells David that she got her job back - but on her terms...and David congratulates her. When Noah saunters over, David tells him that Mark was more high than drunk on the night of the accident, and that he has no case with which to sue him. He then grins at Donna and credits her for giving him some awesome life advice. Noah's like, "Thanks, man" and says he owes him, then promises to be more careful about keeping tabs on his customers' drinks. The two men shake on it, and Donna purses her ginormous lips together and nods approvingly.
Beach house. Brandon drops by and gives Kelly a nonsensical excuse for his cheating: things were too perfect between them, and he was scared of settling down. He says he really really wants another chance, but Kelly just snarls at him to leave her alone, then slams the door in his face. Haha!