Recap: Steve tells Brandon what a psycho he thinks Emma is for blabbing to Kelly that the two of them doinked, but Brandon sadly mutters, "I'm the psycho" and laments ruining the awesome relationship he and Kelly shared for an impromptu romp with a helmet hairdo-ed weirdo. Valerie arrives home and declares, "This has been the worst night of my life!"...and when Brandon impatiently tells her to shut it, she gabbles about how she spent the night in jail for gambling and will be getting sentenced tomorrow. She notices the glum expressions on Steve's and Brandon's faces and asks whassup, so Steve tells her that Kelly moved out. Valerie perks up and asks if this is a permanent thing, and Brandon's like, "I dunno." When Valerie expresses how fake sorry she is, Brandon snaps at her to cut the shit 'cause he's not in the mood for her phony bullshit.
Kelly arrives on Donna's doorstep with her suitcases and tearfully asks her if she can stay at the beach house. Donna says, "Of course!", ushers her inside, and asks what happened. Kelly tells her the sad tale of Brandon's doinking of Emma...and says she isn't sure it happened only once, as Brandon claims. Donna scrunches her face in confusion and says she's at a loss to understand why Mr. All-American would destroy their amaaaazing relationship...and Kelly just shakes her head and declares, "It's over. We're through."
The next morning, Brandon calls the beach house, and Donna snarkishly informs him that Kelly doesn't want to talk to him. Brandon insists that he has a right to talk to her, but Donna says, "Not after what you did"...and when Brandon sarcastically retorts, "Thanks. You're a real pal", Donna sassily shoots back, "I'm trying to be."
Valerie bitches to Noah and their lawyer about the sentence the judge just meted out to her - fifty hours of community service - while Noah merely lost his liquor license for a week. Noah reminds her that he wasn't the one involved with illegal bookmaking, and that she ignored him when he ordered her to stop. The lawyer tells Valerie to shut it, and that she should be thankful she didn't get any jail time. Noah then fires her from the After Dark and says, "Maybe community service will be good for you."
Clinic. Kelly arrives a few minutes late for work looking all harried and discombobulated. Dr. Martin introduces her to Jeff, an attractive intern who's doing a rotation at the clinic, and asks her to give the lad a short tour. A few seconds later, a woman with a cut lip enters the clinic and spacily says she was just in a car accident...and Jeff and Kelly quickly usher her to an exam room, even though there's a waiting room full of people who were there first.
The Beverly Beat. Steve excitedly gabbles about wanting to surprise Hilary Swank with tickets to a musical, David says he's too big of a pussy to write any more negative reviews about musicians and is planning to write a puff piece on a local band named Jasper's Legend, and Brandon is beating the photocopier with his bare hands 'cause he can't get it to work properly. Janet asks Brandon whassup with the violence, so he comes right out and tells her that Kelly dumped him after learning he doinked Emma. David's like, "Haha! So that's why you're beating the copy machine!" and Brandon advances on him and starts berating him for his cheekiness. Steve orders Brandon to back off and reminds him that his penis's extracurricular activities aren't David's fault...and Brandon self-piteously whines about how everything bad that ever happens in life - mudslides, earthquakes - is his fault.
Noah tells Donna that 1) his liquor license has been suspended for a week, and 2) he fired Valerie...and Donna looks very happy about news item #2. She needlessly tells him that Brandon and Kelly broke up after Kelly learned about Brandon's affair with Emma, and Noah just kind of shrugs and says, "Mistakes happen. It's a flaw in the male technology" and flippantly adds, "Kelly should get over it." An appalled Donna asks him why Kelly should have to get over anything (right??!), then accusingly asks if committment means anything to him. Noah breezily describes infidelity as "a grey issue", but Donna argues that's it's actually pretty black and white, and then scrunches her big face disapprovingly.
The Peach Pit. Steve excitedly tells Hilary Swank that he got front row tickets for Rent on Saturday night...but she doesn't give a rat's ass and looks as though she's been crying. When Steve asks whassup, she tells him her father head a heart attack, and that he's currently in a hospital in Montana getting quadruple bypass surgery. Steve clucks sympathetically and hugs her, and she whimpers about how skeered she is that he's not going to make it.
Clinic. Jeff tells Kelly that the woman with the cut lip, Leah, appears to have been beaten 'cause her bruises are more consistent with being smacked around than being in a car accident. A few seconds later, Valerie saunters into the clinic and grumpishly informs Kelly that she's here to serve her community service...then glances around distastefully and says she hates being in the presence of sick, impoverished people. She asks Kelly if she's talked to Brandon lately, and remarks on how unusually happy he looked today - kind of like a huge burden had just been lifted from his shoulders. Kelly refrains from taking the bait and tells Valerie she's sure to get in touch with her domestic side while working at the clinic, 'cause it could use a good maid. Valerie's all, "Wha-a?" and looks dismayed at the prospect of manual labor.
Beach house. Hilary Swank tells Steve that her dad made it through the surgery, but he's facing a very long recovery period. She looked into arranging a nurse to help take care of him, but she doesn't have the kind of dough it takes to pay someone for that service. Steve half-heartedly offers to help out with that, but Hilary Swank says she doesn't want to leave her father with a stranger...which means she's going to have to move back to Montana and become his nursemaid.
Clinic. Kelly gleefully watches Valerie mop the floors, then orders her to sweep up the garbage and alphabetize a stack of files. Valerie snarls, "I'll get you for this" but Kelly just chuckles...then puts her serious face on when she spots Leah sitting by herself in the waiting room. She seats herself beside Leah and tells her that she can change her life by getting help for her domestic abuse situation. Leah's like, "I have no idea what you're talking about" and continues to insist that she was in a fender bender.
Beach house. Hilary Swank breaks the news about grandpa's heart attack to Zack...and he starts crying, not because of his grandfather's suffering, but because he doesn't want to leave Beverly Hills, 90210. Hilary Swank says that sometimes they have to do stuff they don't want to do - but Zack says he refuses to move anywhere, then stomps over to the living room. A sad looking Steve asks her how long she'll be gone, and she says, "Forever", 'cause once she finds a good school for Zack she's staying put in Montana.
Brandon, Steve, and Noah are out on the town, grumbling about their lady problems. Brandon drunkenly rambles on about how it's "a wild kingdom out there" and that men should "tame the jungle" by having sex with multiple women. Noah likes the sound of that, while Steve stares mournfully into space and whines about how much he's going to miss Hilary Swank.
Clinic. When Kelly finds Leah still sitting in the waiting room at closing time, she offers to give her a ride - but Leah says her husband should be by any minute. She says that Lenny is always extra nice to her whenever she's "sick", and Kelly grimaces and gives her a card with her home phone number on it and says she's welcome to call anytime. A few seconds later, Lenny - who's surprisingly a short little dork boy I feel like I could snap in half over my knee - enters the clinic to pick up his wife. Jeff and Kelly urge Dork Boy to ensure that Leah gets enough rest, and he looks faux concerned, then snaps at Leah on the way out: "What the hell were you thinking? Coming here?" A dismayed Kelly tells Jeff that Dork Boy is probably going to hit her again, but Jeff just kind of shrugs indifferently and says they've done all they can. He then invites her out for a drink, and she declines...but accepts his offer to walk her to her car. As she gathers her stuff, Valerie appears and calls Brandon "a slime" for not calling all day. Kelly once again refrains from taking the bait and orders Valerie to wash the floor again. After Kelly and Jeff leave, Valerie reaches into her pocket and pulls out all the phone messages that Brandon left for Kelly that day, then dramatically rips them up and tosses them into the garbage can.
Studio. David is hanging with Jasper's Legend, taking notes and wanking them about how great their recent show was. One of the band members, a surly snot named Mark, snarkily jokes that David's their first groupie, then offers him some drugs to chill out. Fortunately, David declines 'cause the writers got their fill of the David does drugs storyline in Season 4.
Beach house. A drunk Brandon impatiently knocks on the patio door and demands to talk to Kelly. She comes to the door and says she has nothing to say to him - and certainly not while he's drunk. She tells him to get lost before she calls the police, and eventually Brandon dejectedly staggers off. I hope he's not planning on getting behind the wheel, not that Kelly bothered to look into how he's been transporting himself around town this evening.
The Walsh house. The next morning, Valerie asks a hungover Brandon if he's heard from Kelly lately, and he grumbles that he left her ten messages yesterday and she didn't return any of them. Valerie fake assures him that she left the messages on Kelly's desk at the clinic, then suggests she might have been too distracted by the hot new med student to read them. Brandon says he's not in the mood for her head games, and Valerie responds by intensifying her head games by telling him that the hot new med student asked Kelly out on a date and she said yes. Brandon shrugs and says, "Kelly can do what she wants."
Studio. Jasper's Legend is watching cartoons as David finishes writing up his notes. He sleepily remarks that he's been up all night, but is pretty confident that he has enough material to write his article for the Beat. Mark offers him some uppers (in lieu of just getting some sleep), and when David declines, he snaps, "You really are a boy scout, aren't you?" And then, for some God-only-knows-why reason, the other band members talk David into staying awhile and jamming with them. NOOOOOOO!!!! FUUUUUUCK!!!!
Steve drops by Hilary Swank's apartment and begs her not to move to Montana. Hilary Swank tells him to not make her abrupt firing any harder than it already is, and whimpers that she doesn't know what she'll do without him. [Oh Hilary...you'll go on to do much bigger and better things - and win two Oscars!] She smooches Steve, then takes his hand and leads him down the hall to her bedroom for a final romp.
Kelly drops by Leah's workplace to check up on her...and Leah assures her she's fine. She tells Kelly that she and Lenny used to be the it couple in high school (I find it hard to believe that a dork like Dork Boy was ever considered half of an it couple). Kelly nods sympathetically and tells her that her idiot friend Donna was once involved in a sick relationship with an abusive pumpkinhead named Ray. Leah calls Dork Boy her "family", but then admits he's never hit her quite this hard before. Kelly reminds her that women die all the time from being domestically abused, but Leah argues that she took a vow to stick with Dork Boy through thick and thin, and that this vow means something to her. Well that's just stupid if he's beating you. She defends him further by explaining that things aren't going so well for Dork Boy at work these days, and Kelly's like, "Er...OK, whatever" and gives her a tiny brochure (she can hide in her shoe) which contains helpful information on how to leave an abusive partner. Leah takes it and stares contemplatively into space.
Clinic. Jeff tells Valerie that he thinks Kelly is super awesome, and Valerie encourages him to pursue that and dishes about how Kelly just broke up with her boyfriend...and that she knows for a fact that she (Kelly) finds him (Jeff) totes adorable. Jeff grins happily and ambles off, and a few seconds later a flower delivery arrives for Kelly. Valerie pretends to be Kelly and coos, "I love them!" and asks the deliverer for a blank card. She throws away the one that came with the flowers (signed Brandon) and writes, "To Kelly. From a secret admirer."
Brandon is driving like a maniac with Noah in the passenger seat, bitching about how Kelly didn't even thank him for sending her flowers. Noah begs him to slow the car down - but when a car cuts Brandon off, he chases it down, then confronts the driver...which happens to be a woman driving with two small children. Brandon snarks at her for nearly hitting him, and Noah rushes over and pulls him away. He tells Brandon he's out of control, and that only a rude douchewad would yell at a mother and her kids.
Clinic. Kelly admires the flowers she received from her "secret admirer", and Valerie smugly says she knows that her secret admirer is Jeff. Leah enters the clinic with a newly bruised cheek and explains that Dork Boy got mad when she had to work late and punched her in the face and ribs. Jeff announces that he wants to report the abuse to the police, but Leah says she's too frightened about what Dork Boy will do to her if she tries to leave him. Kelly reminds her that he'll beat her senseless if she continues to stay...and Leah mulls that over and decides she'd like to go to a shelter for the night.
The Peach Pit. The gang throws Hilary Swank a goodbye party with cake and refreshments. Donna, who's rocking a skin-tight boob-baring crop top - OMFG - hugs her goodbye, while Steve, Brandon, and Noah try to convince Zack that Montana is awesome 'cause of all the rodeos. Donna carries over two large presents, and inside are cowboy hats and winter jackets for Hilary Swank and Zack. Hilary Swank looks touched, tears up, and says she'll miss them all...and that being on Beverly Hills, 90210 has been the best three months of her life. Fortunately for her, it ends up being a minor footnote in what will soon be a successful movie career.
Clinic. Jeff tells Kelly that he just called the Women's Center and learned that Leah successfully checked in. Kelly thanks him for following up with that and tells him that she was once in a very bad relationship with a druggie named Colin. She decides to accept Jeff's invitation to go out for drinks...and on her way out she orders Valerie to re-scrub the toilet and floors. A few seconds after she and Jeff leave, Brandon calls to see if Kelly got the flowers. Valerie answers and says that Kelly did receive them - but then went out to dinner with Jeff.
The Peach Pit. Noah apologizes to Donna for not being as pro-monogamy as she would have liked when they were discussing Kelly's dumping of Brandon. Noah assures her that he'd never cheat on her and insists that she can trust him, and Donna bats her huge doe eyes at him and says, "I want to" and leans in for a smooch.
LAX. Steve says his final goodbyes to Hilary Swank and Zack - and thank goodness that dull-as-fuck relationship has finally reached its conclusion. As the flight starts boarding, Steve and Hilary Swank exchange I love yous, then kiss and hug. Zack starts to board the plane, but then predictably turns around and runs into Steve's arms for one final hug. Steve tearfully squeaks, "I'm gonna miss you, buddy" and then the three share a group hug before Hilary Swank and Zack break away to board their flight. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
The Walsh house. Valerie arrives home and kisses David hello. He jokes about being kissed by a convicted criminal, and she apologizes about her gambling arrest and says she hopes they won't have trust issues as a result. David accepts her apology and says he has some good news: he sold an old love song to Jasper's Legend. [Ack! For the band's sake I hope it wasn't Precious.] Valerie is thrilled for him and pours two glasses of champagne.
Beach house. Kelly arrives home and finds Brandon waiting for her on the patio. He tells her they need to talk, then asks her why she never returned any of his calls. Kelly's like, "What calls?" and Brandon accuses her of playing games, which she adamantly denies. He says he misses her, loves her, and feels terrible about doinking Emma...and really really wants another chance. Kelly says she's not ready for that, so Brandon asks her if that has anything to do with the hot new med student she's currently working with at the clinic. Kelly refrains from explaining her flirtation with Jeff and says she doesn't foresee a way she could ever give him a second chance. She tells him to go home, then goes inside...and leaves Brandon on the patio staring sadly into space.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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