Recap: Steve and Clare welcome Brandon home from his cross country travels. Steve informs him it's Reunion Weekend at the Beverly Hills Beach Club, but Brandon doesn't seem too interested. Valerie enters the kitchen and hugs Brandon hello and tells him she's on her way to meet with her new friend, Kenny "Man-child" Bannerman, to discuss getting a bank loan for the After Dark. He wishes her luck with that, then tells her he's sorry her summer sucked so bad.
Beverly Hills Beach Club. After several loooong minutes of gratuitous butt and bikini footage, David arrives at the club and joins Donna at a table inside a giant tent/restaurant thing. The two reminisce about their childhood years spent at the beach club and then Donna looks across the tent and happens to notice a hot guy - hey, it's Eddie Cibrian! - she used to crush on when she was a high school freshman. David ignores her brazenly roving eye and whines about how worried he is that MZA will drop him, then wails, "If that happens, my [imaginary] video career is through!"LOL. Donna rolls her eyes and tells him she's sick of his constant bellyaching about MZA, then heads over to the buffet table to get a closer look at Eddie Cibrian.
Steve's halfwit half-brothers are back (ugh - who keeps writing these dinkwhistles into the script??) and they're hanging at the beach club with Steve and Clare. Austin tells Ryan that a cute girl is checking him out...and, miraculously, there does appear to be an adorable looking young girl standing a few feet away, staring at him and gabbling excitedly to her friend. Kelly shows up and reminisces with Steve about when they used to hang at the beach club during their high school years, and Steve reminds her of the night they first doinked. He grins slyly at the memory and tells her she was unforgettable, and she chuckles and calls him a pig. After she heads off, Steve has a flashback of the Spring Dance episode at the part where he and Kelly got into a fight and he called her defective. I'm not exactly sure why that episode is relevant to their pre-Beverly Hills, 90210 doink. Clare returns to the table with ice cappuccinos, and Steve suddenly looks glum and mutters, "Stupid beach club reunions. They bring up bad memories." Clare asks him what the hell he's talking about, so he explains that something bad happened shortly after he and Kelly doinked at the beach club, and Clare scrunches her weird doll face and is all, "Wha-a?!" 'cause apparently she had no idea that Steve and Kelly had bumped uglies back in the day. He says he thought everybody knew about their unholy coupling, but Clare continues to wig out and snarks at him for just ruining her entire weekend. God she's a pill.
Valerie arrives at Kenny's office to discuss the bank loan. He asks her if she plays tennis and explains that he's scheduled to play this afternoon, but his regular partner bailed on him. He says if she agrees to be his tennis partner, he'll solve her financial problems. She tells him she's up for an impromptu match.
Beverly Hills Beach Club. Kelly runs into David and Mark, the new program director for Campus TV. Mark says he has big plans for the pretend TV station and wants Brandon on board this year because of how amazingly awesome he is. Kelly's like, "That's nice" and says she's off to the AIDS hospice to start her volunteer work. As she sashays to her car, Mark brazenly checks her out...and a few seconds after that, she turns around and checks him out.
Eddie Cibrian notices Donna's giant bug eyes fixed on him from across the volleyball court, so he jogs over and asks her whassup with the relentless gawking. She introduces herself and reminds him that they used to hang at the club with their parents when they were teenagers...and he pretends to vaguely recall who she is. He asks her if she's going to be at the dance later, and she says yes...and during the interaction, a peeved David is glaring over at them.
Valerie and Kenny finish their tennis match and pack up their stuff. He tells her his wife taught him how to play, then looks fake solemn and says they're currently separated. He then tells her that the loan for the After Dark will likely be approved, but before that can happen, she'll have to sign a few more papers...then suggests she do this while they're out at an early dinner. Valerie's like, "Wuh? More papers?" but agrees to have dinner with the man-child.
Brandon drops by the Friendship House AIDS hospice to say hey to Kelly. He finds her scrubbing a bathroom in unsightly overalls, and she looks surprised and happy to see him. They both agree that volunteer work is good for the soul, and then Brandon tells her he's heading over to the beach club to laze around with his rich friends. She promises to meet him there later, and the two hug and declare how much they missed each other this summer.
Beverly Hills Beach Club. Brandon finds Clare sunning herself and asks her where Steve is, and she glumly retorts that he's playing poker. She asks him if he knew that Steve and Kelly slept together, and he's like, "Well, d'yuh. Everybody knows that." She says she's annoyed that she appears to be the only person out of the loop on this, but Brandon just shrugs and aptly points out, it happened a long time ago and who the hell cares anymore? True that - in fact, how could this even be a Season 7 storyline? Clare scrunches her doll face and asks, "Has it ever occurred to you how incestuous this little group is?" and Brandon mulls over the depraved manner in which the writers have paired up the principle cast members in almost every boy/girl combination possible, then wryly says, "I try not to dwell on it." Heh. Clare wonders aloud if Steve still has feelings for Kelly, but Brandon breezily dismisses that notion and assures her he's totally into her now. Clare says she isn't sure if that's really true, so she gets up and stomps over to where Steve is playing poker and bitchily pulls him away from his game. She orders him to take her home, but he says it's early and he still wants to hang for awhile. She then demands to know exactly what happened between him and Kelly, and also why he even brought it up in the first place (I'm wondering that myself) and Steve wearily says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, then tells her he's going back to his poker game.
The Walsh house. Kenny is over for some reason and tells Valerie that he and his wife will be getting a divorce soon...and, oh yeah, they have a six year old son. Valerie asks him what his wife would think if she knew they were going out to dinner, and he says she wouldn't give a rat's ass. He then spots the butt of a joint in an ashtray, and Valerie sheepishly says she hopes he's not offended by the sight of her doobie...and he assures her he's not. Considering Brandon's intolerant attitude about drugs of any kind, it's kinda surprising she'd leave the ashtray out in full view like that in the living room.
Beverly Hills Beach Club. A live band is playing, and a lot of pretty white extras are stiffly jigging to the beat. Ryan gets Beth a drink, and the two kids flirt for a few minutes then decide to go for a walk on the beach - but first Beth wants to change out of her bikini. Austin comes over to see whassup, so Ryan tells him that Beth went off to change. Austin exclaims, "Perfect!" and says he has a horrible, wretched idea, then orders Ryan to follow him.
Mark is trying to convince Brandon to join Campus TV this year and become the news director, but Brandon isn't sure if he'd rather try out to be editor-in-chief of The Condor. Kelly comes over and joins the conversation, and Brandon tells her about how Mark is trying to convince him to join the TV station. The band suddenly starts up again, and Mark asks Kelly to dance.
Austin and Ryan are peeking in one of the tents and accidentally get an eyeful of Beth's overweight mother changing out of her swimsuit. They make weird faces and run away...and I just really wish these two casting mistakes would keep running far and fast.
Donna and Eddie Cibrian are on the dance floor, awkwardly jigging together, and a few seconds later Eddie goes off to get them some drinks. David storms over and snarks to Donna how "cozy" she and Eddie Cibrian look, and she tells him she's just trying to have a good time while avoiding his perpetual bad mood. David says it's becoming clear she wants to date other guys (well duh, Einstein), then snaps, "I've had it!" and storms off.
Brandon tells Kelly about his adventures in Podunkville during the previous episode, and how he inspired Mariah to leave town and become a writer. Kelly gushes about how awesome he is and how he's changed so many people's lives for the better, including hers. He informs her that Clare is mad that that she and Steve doinked in high school, and she rolls her eyes and says that Steve has a big mouth - and Steve suddenly arrives and overhears her. She asks him why on earth he'd rehash their sexual past to Clare of all people (right?!), and he wails, "I thought she already knew!" Kelly says she'll try to smooth things over with Clare, and then ambles off to find her. Steve joins Brandon at the bar, looks momentarily tortured, and says, "Something bad happened" after Kelly gave him the heave-ho in high school - something he's not proud of and never told anyone. Brandon advises him to just keep it to himself and let sleeping dogs lie, 'cause who the hell cares what anyone did in high school?? I'm kidding, of course. Brandon encourages his idiot friend to come clean to Kelly about the bad thing he did more than six years ago - before Beverly Hills, 90210 even began filming.
The halfwit half-brothers find the tent where Beth is changing, and as they're trying to get a good angle at which to peep at her, they topple over and fall inside the tent. Beth is horrified to realize that she was being spied on, and tearfully tells Ryan he's disgusting and to get the hell away from her before she calls security. Ryan says he's really sorry, but she tells him to never speak to her again.
Restaurant. Valerie asks Kenny what exactly happened to ruin his marriage, so he tells her that he and his wife were college sweethearts who suddenly lost their passion for each other. He started looking at other women (shocker), and this caused them to lose their trust in each other. Well, d'yuh. He and Valerie lean in and start smooching, and I really can't imagine what she could possibly see in this milquetoast CPA flunky.
Beverly Hills Beach Club. Donna and Eddie Cibrian are chillin' at one of the tables in the restaurant tent...and once again David is glaring over at them. He storms over again (I've lost count how many times he's stormed over to Donna during this episode), and Donna tells him if he's going to behave like a rude douchewad, he should just leave - and Eddie Cibrian concurs. Donna tells Eddie it might be better if they hung out elsewhere, then tells David he's ruining her evening and orders him to leave her alone.
Ryan and Austin are arguing about the disastrous peeping attempt, and Steve hears the two yelling at each other and goes over to find out whassup. Ryan tattles on Austin, and Steve yells at them for not respecting women and just generally acting like childish douchetards whenever they're on the show. Austin says he doesn't care about respecting women 'cause he just wants to get laid, and Steve barks at him to shut up and warns them both that if they ever do anything remotely as creepy as this ever again, he's through with both of them. After they sheepishly amble off, Clare, who's been eavesdropping, commends him for properly counselling the halfwits and standing up for women. She then tells him she talked to Kelly and says that facing up to whatever unspeakable thing happened after the two of them doinked seems to be bringing out the best in him. Steve scrunches his face in misery and tells her he has to go take care of something, and she applauds him for wanting to get all the dreck out of his system. He kisses her and thanks her for being so understanding.
The Walsh house. Kenny walks Valerie to the door, and she says she'd invite him in, but wouldn't want her roommates to get the wrong idea. He asks her what she's doing tomorrow, so she tells him she's planning on hanging out at the beach club. He's like, "Me too!" and the two agree to meet up the next day...then lean in and smooch each other goodnight.
Beverly Hills Beach Club. It's finally time for Steve's needless, contrived heart-to-heart with Kelly. He puts on his tortured face again and tells her that the first time they doinked was the first time he'd ever doinked anyone. Kelly looks surprised and says she had no idea...and he says it was a big deal to him, but that it didn't really seem all that important to her. He then hangs his head in shame and tells her he "did something" after they broke up...then admits he was the one who spread rumours about her being a slut, and that he told whoever would listen that she'd eagerly ride anyone's baloney pony. Kelly looks incredulous that he was the one to blame for her bad rep in high school, then calls him a bastard and wails, "Do you know how long I had to live with that? Do you know how long that followed me? The worst part is, I became that girl. I became the slut that everyone thought I was!" Well, that's on you, Kelly. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to sleep with every Tom, Dick, and Dylan just 'cause Steve started a rumor. Kelly storms off angrily, Steve starts crying, and I'm weeping at the inanity and pointlessness of it all.
The Walsh house. Brandon tells Steve he did the right thing coming clean (the hell he did), but Steve is afraid that Kelly will never forgive him for slut-shaming her all those years ago. Brandon advises him to give her time and space and thinks that eventually it'll blow over. Valerie comes downstairs and clucks, "Poor Steve" and tells Brandon that Steve told her all about his part in the Kelly is a slut rumor mill. She then shrugs and snidely says if he hadn't started spreading rumors about Kelly, someone else probably would have. Brandon chastises her for badmouthing Kelly and reminds her she's a friend of his...and Valerie sheepishly apologizes and says she's off to the beach club to meet up with Kenny. Brandon furrows his brows and goes, "Isn't he married?" so Valerie explains that the man-child and his wife are separated. Brandon jokes that if she's not careful, someone might start a rumor about her. Heh.
Beverly Hills Beach Club. Steve says hey to Kelly and asks her if she'd like to be his egg toss partner, but she says, "No thanks." He asks her what he has to do to earn her forgiveness, and she's like, "I dunno" and ambles off somewhere. Steve mutters, "I never should have told her." Ya think?
Valerie meets up with Kenny at his cabana, and a few minutes later Kelly strolls by and says hello to Kenny and asks him about his son and wife. Kenny quickly replies, "They're back east now" and Valerie explains to Kelly that Kenny is helping her out with her bookkeeping for the club. Kelly's like, "Mmm hmm.." and heads off. Kenny tells Valerie that Kelly used to babysit his son, and Valerie informs him that they're bitter enemies.
Beach house. David drops by to apologize to Donna and admit he was out of line last night. The two then decide they probably shouldn't date after all (yippee!), but agree to remain friends.
Kelly strolls along the beach, looking sad and contemplative. She has a flashback of the Spring Dance episode at the part where she and Steve make up. Suddenly, Steve rushes up behind her and tells her she has to forgive him 'cause he needs her in his life...plus, the writers are done dragging out this useless filler material they've been trying to pass off as a full-fledged storyline. He apologizes again, and she tells him she appreciates his honesty and that it makes up for the shitty thing he did to her. The two hug it out, and thank goodness that's resolved.
Valerie changes into her bikini and tells Kenny it made her feel icky inside to see his wife's bathing suit hanging in the cabana. He tells her not to worry 'bout that, then distracts her by handing her an envelop with a check for $10,000. He tells her it's a personal loan to tide her over until she can get the money from the bank...and she ignores the total weirdness of him giving her a personal check. She thanks him for the advance, and he fondles her knee.
Kelly has agreed to be Steve's partner in the egg toss, and she's having a blast throwing eggs at him over the volleyball net and getting yolk all over his bare chest. Er...OK. Brandon is watching the spectacle from the sidelines, and then later he and Kelly chat it up and agree that they're both happy everything worked out and that everyone's besties again. She says they were all young and stupid in high school - but the rumor revelation from Steve somehow reminded her of how strong the bonds between all of them are. She then asks him if they're gonna hook-up anytime soon, and he says, "Maybe", and then the two stare at each other longingly.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!