Recap: Donna calls Joe's dorm and asks whoever she's talking to to leave him a message that she called, but the person on the other end isn't being very cooperative, so she hangs up. She wonders aloud if Joe is avoiding her, but Clare tells her that with the big game coming up, he's probably insanely busy. Clare then brightens and points out the good news, which is that they haven't had a Ray sighting in a few days. Yippee!! That's always a reason to celebrate. Donna gets on the horn and calls the dorm again, but is only able to reach one of Joe's teammates. Apparently, Joe is being questioned by the police because some guy complained that he got "pounded" by Joe during the Halloween episode. Donna correctly deduces that Ray is behind the complaint and mutters, "Damn him." She tells Clare that it's clear her pain-in-the-ass ex isn't giving up on their relationship.
CU is gearing up for the upcoming football game. At a pep rally (or whatever), Steve announces that he's been assigned to guard the university's mascot, Corny the Condor, and says that, at this very moment, it's very likely that SCU students are plotting to kidnap the ugly thing. He assures the crowd it won't happen on his watch 'cause it'll be stored in a super secret location. Kelly remarks to Colin that SCU will surely want revenge after she, Steve, Val, and Griffin successfully kidnapped their giant stuff bear mascot during last season's Homecoming episode.
After Dark. Valerie enters the club and is surprised to find Jonesy inside, waiting for her. He tells her it's payback time for the life-saving favor he performed for her and Dylan in Mexico last season. He adds that he heard about Dylan's departure and says he could probably track him down, but Val tells him not to bother since she doubts he wants to be found. With that settled, Jonesy tells her he needs her services for an easy gig: it'll only take one night and involves a "tasteful wardrobe". Valerie mulls this over for a few seconds and agrees.
Donna drops by Joe's dorm in person and asks him whassup, so he tells her he may be charged with battery for giving Ray that much needed ass-kicking. This means that he had to come clean about the incident with his coach, which means that his coach found out he missed curfew and had someone else sign in for him. (Is it normal for college dorm residents in the modern age to have a curfew??) Joe says that the coach suspended him from the upcoming game, but that he doesn't care so much 'cause he assumes SCU is going to win anyway. One of his teammates saunters over and reminds Joe that the coach had ordered him to stay away from Donna (excellent advice). Joe tells Donna he should go, then ambles off to his room (or somewhere)...and the teammate snarks at Donna, "Do us all a favor: go away." Hahaha! Go away, Donna!
The Walsh house. Valerie is squeezing herself into the outfit that Jonesy got for her to wear for her undercover gig. It's a shiny black S&M leather get-up that no one but a street hooker, or a person posing as a street hooker, would wear.
Dylan's house. Brandon is hanging out, straightening up the place as he listens to Dylan's phone messages. One is from a realtor in Hawaii, nattering about all the fabulous ocean front properties she has for him to see. Ouch. Susan enters the house and reminds Brandon that she has a staff meeting at the newsroom and has to get going, so he agrees to call it a day and leave with her. She then suggests that he try to break out of his Dylan funk by getting back to writing columns. He mulls that over, then stares sadly at Dylan's living room before heading out.
Pasadena. Excitement is in the air (not really) as the finalists of the Rose Court are being announced. Felice and Papa Martin are among the spectators, and they look uncharacteristically thrilled to be there. When Donna is named as a finalist, Papa Martin tells Felice that she's going to have to tell Donna her big boring secret now.
Inside the Rose Court mansion, Felice admits to Donna that it is indeed her in the 1969 photo. Donna asks her why she lied, and Felice tells her that the day after the photo was taken, she got the news she was pregnant. She and Papa Martin quickly got married and neither of them ever told anyone about the bun in her oven...but she had to drop out of the Rose Court competition since married ladies weren't allowed to participate. Felice tells Donna she had a miscarriage soon after getting married...and then apologizes for being such an insufferable hypocrite the entire time Donna was growing up, particularly the way she preached virginity despite the fact that she'd gotten herself knocked up at nineteen. She moans, "What kind of life lesson is that?" so Donna assures her she loves the lessons she taught her (say what?!) and tells her she's not a hypocrite (the fuck she isn't). Felice tells her she wants the very best for her, and the two exchange I love yous.
The Walsh house. Steve leads a crew of KEGers inside the house with a crate labelled "mascot" so that anyone staking out the house would think it contains Corny the Condor. Subtle. Meanwhile, Valerie tells David she can't be part of any mascot caper tonight 'cause she has to go out later to "finish up some business". David asks her for details, but she gets all defensive and tells him she doesn't want to have to tell him about every little thing in her life. He snaps, "Fine!" and storms off.
Jonesy drives Valerie, who's decked out in the S&M get-up, to a red-light district. She looks pissed off and is very reluctant to get out of the car. He tells her that they're waiting for a white limo to arrive...and inside this white limo will be a guy named The Duke, who's to be her "client". The driver (who's in on the caper) will take them to the Bellamy Hotel, where Jonesy will photograph The Duke entering the hotel with what appears to be a prostitute. Jonesy explains that The Duke's wife (The Duchess?) wants to divorce him and take him for all he's worth, but that it's OK 'cause he's a wife beater and totally deserves it.
Colin's loft. Kelly drops by and finds Steve and Clare there. Steve informs her that Colin is under deep cover as a protector of the university's mascot. Apparently, he oversaw the making of a decoy mascot in the art studio, and this fake was the one that was brought into the Walsh house in a crate. The real Corny is in hiding inside Colin's fridge, and Colin opens it up to show Kelly, which makes everyone chuckle.
Beach house. Joe calls Donna and congratulates her on making the Rose Court finals. He tells her not to worry about him, and she remarks on how calm he is about the whole battery thing. He informs her that the city attorney will be pressing formal charges against him, and that he'll be arraigned soon. He asks Donna to speak with his lawyer so that he can start building a case for his defence, and she agrees.
Jonesy admonishes Valerie for not being more enthused or cooperative about her role as a pretend hooker. She glares at him with her arms crossed and snarks that it doesn't look like the white limo is coming. Jonesy agrees and pulls the plug on the operation, but says they'll have to try again tomorrow night.
California University. Brandon snaps at Steve for allowing his stupid KEG friends to mess up his house while they showcase the fake mascot. Steve promises him it'll all be over tonight, then invites him to hang with them later. Brandon declines, then bitchily warns him not to turn Casa Walsh in a "frat sty". After he storms off, Steve tells Kelly that Brandon will eventually snap out of his funk...and Kelly stares after him looking contemplative.
Lawyer's office. Donna is finishing up her meeting with Joe's lawyer, and he tells her they have a great defence: Joe was protecting her from being abused by an angry Pumpkin Head. He warns her that her abuse at the hands of her ex will soon become a matter of public record, and Donna mulls this over and realizes that she's going to have to tell her parents about it before they hear it from someone else.
The Walsh house. Steve is setting up a surveillance camera so that he can film and humiliate the SCU students who try to steal the fake mascot. David, meanwhile, delivers a glass of juice to Valerie in her bedroom, and she tells him she's very tired from her mysterious outing and adds that she still doesn't want to talk about and asks David not to make a big deal about it. He tells her he's glad it's all over and wants to take her out tonight, but she says she can't go, since this "business" isn't finished yet. He demands to know if she's doinking another guy, and she tells him again not to ask any questions. I don't know why she can't just tell him what's really going on. She tells David there is a guy involved, though it's not what he thinks. He wants to know what guy, so she barks at him to stop being jealous and leave her alone. When she steps into the bathroom for a minute, David finds her S&M leather outfit and asks her who she's wearing it for...and instead of just explaining that she's doing a favor for an old friend, she irritably tells David she has a headache and to give her space. He grumps about how annoyed he is that they haven't doinked yet, then tells her his patience has just run out.
Pasadena. Lisa, a fellow Rose Court finalist, tells Donna she's concerned about all the fittings they have to attend and hopes she can get time away from her job, so Donna offers to help out in any way she can. Ray suddenly appears from behind some shrubbery, and Donna groans and quickly explains the sitch to Lisa, so Lisa insists on waiting for her in case Pumpkin Head tries anything. He tells Donna he's happy for her that she got chosen for the Royal Court, and she snaps back that he's making her life a living hell. He offers not to testify against Joe if she agrees to be his girlfriend again, and she gives him an incredulous stare and caustically asks him if he's really asking her to dump Joe and come running back to him. He goes, "Is that so bad?" (Bwahaha!! Yes, fuckwit. It is.) He reminds Donna how happy they were together, but she argues that it was lies, all lies. She challenges him to go through with his bullshit charges, since the truth will come out in the end...and he barks back, "See you in court." Incidentally, Ray really needs to shave off those grisly sideburns - he's starting to look like Brandon circa Season 2.
Brandon's over at Dylan's house again, doing whatever he was doing there last time. Kelly drops by with some food and says she doesn't want him doing this (?) alone, and adds that she misses ol' Slouchy. Brandon tells her he's been checking Dylan's phone messages and collecting his mail, and that he doubts he'll ever come back. He wonders aloud, "So why do I bother?" Kelly says it's 'cause he's Slouchy's friend and he loves him.
Red-light district. Jonesy and Valerie are back on the street, and once again Val's bitching about being there and snarks to Jonesy that she may have lost her boyfriend because of this. As the two start bickering, a white limo pulls up beside them...and it's The Duke! He rolls down his window and pretends to ask for directions, so Jonesy offers up Valerie for a price of $200/hour. Valerie adds, "Satisfaction guaranteed" and suddenly a team of police officers burst out of the car and place her and Jonesy under arrest.
Dylan's house. Kelly and Brandon are playing a very animated game of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots when Susan drops by with a plate of brownies. She doesn't look thrilled to see Brandon and Kelly having so much fun together, so Brandon invites her to join the game...and Kelly announces that she has a date and quickly heads out. Susan remarks that it looks like Kelly got him out of his funk, and Brandon mumbles that Kelly's a good friend. Susan tells him she'd also like to be a good friend...er, more than that, and starts unbuttoning his shirt and kissing him.
David gets a phone call in the middle of the night and it's Valerie, calling from jail. She tells him she needs him to bail her out for solicitation, and he's all, "Wha-a?!"
David arrives at the jail with $1,000 for bail and asks Val if she's OK. She says she knows she disappointed him, but that he's the only person she could let see her like this 'cause it's so embarrassing. David assures her they'll get through it together. Jonesy enters the room and apologizes to Val about the failed caper, but happily informs her that all charges against her have been dropped. Apparently The Duke got wind of their "sting", and decided to sting them instead. David's like, "Who the hell is this guy?" so Val explains that he's a friend of Dylan's. The way she could have explained all this much earlier in the episode.
Donna has asked Joe's teammates to meet with her so she can tell them the whole story about Ray's ass-kicking. She explains that Joe was gallantly protecting her from her abusive ex...and the guys are all, "Wha-a?! We didn't know that!" Donna says Joe was more concerned about preserving her reputation than his football career, and explains that this is clearly why he's such a great leader on the field. At that moment, Joe comes up behind her, pleased that the truth is out, and that his teammates understand the entire situation.
It's game day, and Steve is leading a pre-game rally. Everyone wants to know: where's Corny? Steve plays a video of some SCU students stealing the decoy mascot from the Walsh house, and everyone boos...but then Steve cues Muntz, who carries out the real Corny, and everyone cheers and hoots. Boring mascot theft averted.
Brandon's listening to the game on the radio as he works on a column in the newsroom. Susan strolls in and ask him how it's going, and he tells her his column is all about how friendship sucks. She correctly guesses he's writing about Dylan, then urges him to save a copy of the column for Dylan 'cause "you never know".
Beach house. Felice and Papa Martin are over to watch the game. Donna asks her dad to turn the game off for a few minutes 'cause she needs to talk to them - in particular about why Joe isn't playing today. She tells them that there was something unspeakable going on between her and Ray...namely, he got all Ike Turner on her a few times. Papa Martin looks shocked and appalled, and Felice now realizes that her fall in Palm Springs last season wasn't an accident. Donna says she'd prefer not to get into the humiliating details, but says it didn't happen all the time, just when he lost his temper (which seemed to happen all the time). She tells them that Joe is only guilty of protecting her from Pumpkin Head, but might go to jail for his trouble. Felice and Papa Martin assure her they'll stand behind her and Joe all the way and ensure that Joe doesn't get a jail term.
The Peach Pit. During the CU victory party (I guess they won the game), Brandon enters the diner and places an order. He then heads over to where the gang is sitting and announces that Thanksgiving dinner will be at Casa Walsh this year. Is it ever not? Colin tells Kelly he'll be heading back to New York for the holiday...as is Susan. I guess this means that Brandon and Kelly will have an opportunity to stare at each other longingly over the holiday.
The Walsh house. Valerie happily remarks to David that he never did ask her what happened to lead her to being arrested. He says he doesn't care anymore, and she thanks him for believing in her. She then stares at him meaningfully and slips off her bathrobe - signalling that she's finally ready to sleep with him. A relieved David kisses her, and the two move onto the bed and get it on.