The Hills - Season 5, Episode 5

Brody carefully weighs the pros and cons of pretending to hook up with Audrina

"I Always Had a Little Crush"
Original airdate: 4/27/2009

Episode summary: When the Hills gang vacations in Hawaii, Audrina spends a night in Brody's hotel room. Spencer is weirded out by the chasteness of (Crested Butte born) Colby and his girlfriend.

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Recap: The Hills gals (Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Stephanie) arrive in Hawaii to crash the boys' trip. The foursome cackles about how surprised Brody et. al. are going to pretend to be when they make their "surprise appearance" at the Turtle Bay Resort.

Over at the resort, Brody waxes on about how super relaxed he is - just as the Hills gals show up. Lauren insists that they would have missed them way too much if they didn't crash their vacay, and Brody looks OK with it once everyone expresses a sudden desire to guzzle shots.  

During more than a little superfluous surfing footage, Stephanie smarmily asks Audrina if she's checking out Brody's hot bod. Audrina just smiles coquettishly and shares that Justin texted her earlier, and that they have a "love-hate relationship" ... even though whatever this is could barely be described as a relationship. Stephanie chides her for passively waiting around for Justin to decide stuff - to which Audrina snappishly retorts that she's definitely not doing that, then gets back to ogling Brody.

Heidi and Spencer are in an L.A. Barnes & Noble, browsing through the self-improvement section. Heidi announces that Colby and his girlfriend (Ashley) will be vacationing in L.A. this episode, and Spencer snidely says he can't wrap his brain around a guy willing to attend bible college and forgo premarital sex. Heidi points out that it'd be a good opportunity for him to spend time with "a nice, normal guy". 

Back in Hawaii, the coed gang is enjoying the sunset while needlessly revealing their dating statuses. Stephanie asks Audrina if she likes Justin enough to not hook up with another guy, and Audrina murmurs, "Mmm...no." Brody chimes in to offer his opinion: if Audrina were to ever date a guy who "literally blows Justin away in every which way" [demonstrating my biggest pet peeve of the English language: the misuse of literally], she'd be gone in an instant, then blushes prettily when Audrina eagerly agrees. 

Colby and Ashley arrive at a Hollywood restaurant to meet up with Heidi and Spencer. Colby marvels at what a different world California is compared to Crested Butte, and Ashley unwittingly (or maybe wittingly) embarrasses Heidi when she makes a point of remarking on how totally different (e.g. Hollywood-ized) she now looks as compared to her high school photos. When Spencer suggests they order some tequila, Colby and Ashley tell him they're content with water, then primly pronounce that nothing good ever comes from drinking alcohol....or with opposite genders sleeping together premaritally, which is precisely why they booked separate hotel rooms. Spencer just stares at them with undisguised incredulity as Colby further explains that he was raised a Southern Baptist who grew up thinking it was sinful to dance. Spencer suggests they get together to do some boxing tomorrow 'cause surely he must have a lot of aggression that desperately needs releasing.

"We live a naughty-free life 24/7."

"That notion doesn't compute."

Back in Hawaii, Audrina primps for the evening ahead and tells Stephanie there's always been a certain attraction between herself and Brody - but that neither has ever acted on it. She mumblingly adds that she's always been with Justin, and that Brody is now tangled up with Jayde. Stephanie eggs her on to hook up with Brody as a means of making Justin jealous, and Audrina contorts her face while mulling over that full of flaws prospect. 

The next day, Spencer brings Colby to the Spectrum Fitness Club and says if he were a virgin he'd have a lot of excess energy that would need burning off every hour of the day. Colby says he largely depends on the strength of prayer to get him through his most horny spells, and insists that he can only assume the delayed gratification will be well worth it. As the two start to box, Spencer asks exactly where in the bible it states that premarital sex is forbidden, so Colby suggests that they get together with their significant others later for a bible study and review some pertinent verses. 

During dinner, Audrina and Brody pretend to flirt with one another, prompting Frankie to bleat, "Just get a room already!" Audrina then admits that, yep, she does have a little crush on Brody...and the camera pans around to everyone's faux shocked expressions. 

Over at Casa Montag-Pratt, Colby leads the bible study by referencing specific bible verses that address the importance of the marital bed's purity. Spencer, however, isn't convinced that purity in this context doesn't just mean laundering one's bedding.
 
After Audrina wanders off, Brody admits to his guy friends that yeah he finds her to be exceptionally hot - but that he's very attracted to his Playboy playmate girlfriend. Frankie pushes back about how desperately Audrina appears to want him, prompting Brody to stare contemplatively into space. As the gang turns in for the night, Brody finds Audrina in [I'll assume] her room and stays for a one-on-one chat. He tells her he doesn't want things to be awkward between them - but if they were to "do whatever with no one around...feelings are feelings". Indeed they are, Brody. Indeed they are. 

"Do you have any words of wisdom before we pretend to get it on?"

"Just that...feelings are feelings."

The next morning, Lo dishes to Lauren about how Audrina stayed in Brody's room all night...then wakes up Stephanie to see if she has any juicy tidbits to share on camera. A bedraggled Stephanie says she only knows what Lo just told Lauren, and the three smile knowingly at each other. 

Over lunch at the Primo Bistro, Heidi continues to lay it on thick to Spencer about Colby's pious and values-driven life - but Spencer just shrugs and says if he were anything like Colby, she'd surely be bored as fuck. Heidi urges him to take a page out of Colby's book and try to be nicer to her family members, and Spencer mocks Colby's whole Leave it to Beaver vibe as an exasperated Heidi asks the waiter for the check. 

Back in Turtle Bay, Brody emerges from his room...and when Doug remarks that he saw Audrina exiting his room not long ago, Brody curtly announces to the bonehead crew that, yep, he messed up and cheated on his girlfriend. The guys cackle at that, then wonder how Jayde is going to react...and Brody weakly hopes that Audrina won't breathe a word of his infidelity within hearing range of his girlfriend.

Audrina admits to Lauren, Lo, and Stephanie that she slept in Brody's room last night, then acknowledges that Justin probably isn't going to be very happy about it [even though I get the strong sense that he prolly wouldn't give too much of a shit]. Lo and Stephanie warn about how furious Jayde is going to be when this dramatic new subplot hits the Hills airwaves - but Audrina just shrugs unconcernedly and mutters, "Start a war...like, whatever."

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