The Hills - Season 5, Episode 10

Recap: Lauren is in the process of packing up her room when Lo drops by and suggests they invite their Hills buddies over for one last get together. When Lauren says she's a tiny bit sad to be leaving the show, Lo asks, "What's next? Like, really. What's next?" Lauren says that for the first time in a long time, she has absolutely no idea. 

Heidi tells Stephanie she wants to have the most extravagant wedding in the history of extravagant weddings: so many flowers that they organically create a flower garden, diamonds dripping everywhere, a 1000 tier princess cake, and white swans to accent her feathery gown. She then breaks the news to Stephanie that she appointed Holly to be her maid of honor by virtue of being her only sister, and Stephanie mumbles, "Wow.." and looks visibly disappointed.  

Spencer meets up with Darlene to apologize for disrespecting her the last time they saw each other. He earnestly tells her that he's been going to therapy, has dramatically matured, and is determined to leave behind the "sleazy guy thing" he once got himself caught up in. Darlene says she desperately wants to believe the bullcack coming out of his mouth and offers her tentative blessing for his/Heidi's impending nuptials.

Heidi and her besties celebrate her bridal shower at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. As a cart of champagne is wheeled in, Stephanie sourly remarks to Audrina that Holly is already thirty minutes late - just as Holly rushes in and apologizes for being so tardy. As everyone guzzles champagne, the gals play a Speidi trivia game, during which we learn that Heidi is hoping for four sons so that she can reign supreme as "Queen of the Throne". She also reveals that she and Spencer were first introduced by Brody and Kristin Cavallari (who, I guess, were once a couple). As Heidi opens some of her gifts - a white bikini and a copy of The Joy of Sex - Audrina asks if anyone's writing down who gave what so that Heidi can send appropriate thank you notes. Stephanie bitterly points out that this is Holly's responsibility, given that she's the maid of honor. So meow. 

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Lauren tells Brody that Heidi showed up at People's Revolution to hand deliver a wedding invitation. She wryly says she has zero desire to go 'cause she thinks it's a colossal mistake for Heidi to marry Spencer...and Brody agrees - but is OK attending the wedding 'cause the producers ordered him to he wants to support his friend. He urges Lauren to reconsider blowing off the ceremony and warns that she may come to regret her decision.

While dining at a burger joint, Spencer tells Brody he's a changed man ever since he started couple's therapy, and that he has confronted his douchebaggery and personal insecurities. Brody laughs out loud at this pretend come to Jesus moment and says it's very silly for him and Heidi to be in therapy before they're even married. Spencer insists that his past behavior has been out of line, and that he went way too far in humiliating Lauren with sex tape-gate. He says that that was not the type of person he wanted to be and pronounces, "I'm not just cold, stone, no heart", and Brody stares back at him and retorts, "Yeah you are." Ouch.

Over at People's Revolution, Lauren meets with Kelly Cutrone for the last time. Lauren recaps that, ever since Season 1, she's worked for lots of prominent people in the fashion world and desperately wants to flee this increasingly soulless reality show be more independent. Kelly wankingly agrees that she's acquired a tremendous amount of information about the industry, and recommends that she let it all sink in and figure out where she wants to take it. She then shares that she's happiest whenever she has no definitive plans, and wishes Lauren all the best in her post-Hills career.

Rehearsal dinner! Spencer hugs Darlene hello and warmly greets Bill...and after everyone has taken their seats at the table, Stephanie offers the first toast of the evening. She tears up as she professes her familial love for Spencer, and that she's soooooo happy he found Heidi...wah wah. The next toast is delivered by a visibly intoxicated Holly, who opens by crediting Spencer with calling her out on her crap. She proceeds to nonsensically share that Heidi used to make concoctions out of sticks and berries and hide them in the woods as part of her fervent search to find Mr. Right. She expresses how inebriatedly thrilled she is that her sister has found her perfect love match...and as everyone shrugs confusedly as they raise their glasses, Darlene declares the ramblingly bizarre tribute awesome.

While eating dinner, Holly attempts to get her brother's attention by throwing a potato in his direction, and the potato ricochets off of her brother's arm and proceeds to splash a stain onto Heidi's brand new designer purse. Heidi gasps at the mishap and irritably chides her drunk sister for damaging a very expensive accessory, and Holly haughtily offers to pay for it, then abruptly excuses herself from the table.  

Stephanie complains to Charlie that she's soooooo sick of Holly's shenanigans, then self-piteously says she's not looking to get credit for stepping in and performing the typical maid of honor duties that Holly has been neglecting. Charlie, who clearly couldn't give any less of a shit about any of this, mumbles that she should just do whatever needs doing...and Stephanie reiterates that, d'yuh, she has been cleaning up Holly's messes.

Heidi asks no one in particular what's wrong with Holly, then sends Spencer (of all people) to go see whassup. Spencer finds Holly lamenting to Darlene how she accidentally stained her sister's purse...and he urges both Holly and Darlene to return to the pre-wedding festivities. He jokily chides Holly for her rudeness in throwing food, something one wouldn't expect a twenty-something to be doing at a rehearsal dinner. Darlene insists, "It's not rude", and Spencer reacts to her parental overindulgence by grimacing and irritably heading back to the table. Holly tears up and wails to a sympathetic Darlene that Spencer acts as though they're dining with royalty, then whines that she's been making a huge effort to get along with Spencer, who has the audacity to criticize her for showing up drunk to his wedding eve dinner and throwing messy potatoes across the table. When Spencer returns to the table, Heidi throws her hands up as if to ask, "So..?", but Spencer doesn't reply.

The next day at the Chi Nail Bar, Holly apologizes to Heidi for her boorish behavior at the rehearsal dinner, and Heidi's all, "Yeah. Whaddup with that?" and admonishes her for making the night all about her drunken antics. Holly sheepishly offers her regret and says she'd totes understand if she wanted to appoint Stephanie as her maid of honor - but Heidi assures her she'd never un-maid of honor her. She then asks Holly if she delivered the wedding invitation to the special unnamed wedding guest [spoiler: Kristin Cavallari], and Holly confirms she did, and that this person is single and is planning to attend solo. Heidi grins and mutters, "Oooh, trouble."

During the final tuxedo fitting, Charlie informs Spencer that he'd like to bring Stacie to the wedding as his plus one. Spencer says he definitely doesn't like that idea, then suggests to Charlie that he hide Stacie under a veil so Heidi doesn't catch sight of her. 

At Lauren's/Lo's 'farewell to the house' party, the Hills gang toasts their collective friendship. Lo expresses her sadness that they've reached the end of an era, and then Brody pulls Stephanie aside to applaud her for sticking around and becoming a trustworthy friend to Lauren.

Lauren is in the kitchen doing some general cleanup when Stephanie bounds in to happily share that she just had a really good chat with Brody. She then changes the subject to The Speidi Wedding and once again asks Lauren if she's planning to attend. Lauren says that since she can barely stand the sight of Spencer, it's highly doubtful. She asks, "Why would you want someone at your wedding who does not agree with your relationship? That's silly." That it is, Lauren. That it is. 

Lauren returns to the party and announces to everyone that she's definitely not going to the wedding - but that she'll do her best to catch the next one. Har har. Everyone chuckles at that not so subtle shot at Spencer, then decides that this party is definitely over.

Wedding Day! The Hills cast and other guests begin to arrive at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena. Spencer is in the church's basement, huddled with his menfolk and getting advice on how to perform an appropriate church kiss (e.g. an acceptable amount of face sucking while people are forced to watch).

From the pews, the Hills gals wonder if/when Lauren is going to make an appearance...and then the camera pans over to Stacie, who has just arrived and seats herself beside Charlie. Next to arrive is Justin, who's looking even more slovenly and bleary-eyed than usual, and is wearing a shirt with too many buttons undone.

Heidi, meanwhile, is decked out in her feathery wedding gown with a stupid amount of borrowed bling (according to the Internet, the unsightly diamond chains and chunky bracelets were valued at $1.2 million), along with an overabundance of voluminous blonde hair extensions. She gushes to her mom and bridesmaids about how much she feels like a cartoonish real princess - just as Lauren "unexpectedly" enters the room wearing a blue cocktail dress. Heidi immediately looks overcome with joy, while Darlene gives Lauren a grateful hug before giving Heidi and her former BFF the opportunity to film their last ever Hills interaction.

As the Hills gals continue to look quizzical about whether or not Lauren is going to [obey the producers' edict to] put in an appearance, Kristin Cavallari makes her dramatic grand entrance. She smiles smugly while kind of rolling her eyes as she struts down the aisle, then seats herself beside the slovenly Justin. A puzzled looking Lo waves hello to Kristin, while Brody chucklingly remarks on the arrival of Lauren's replacement.

Lauren coos at Heidi that, despite her wretched choice of a life partner, she's truly happy for her...and that all she wants for her is her happiness. The two hug and exchange I love yous, and then Lauren hastily exits so that she can [reluctantly] witness the ceremony. She seats herself beside Lo, who amusedly informs her that Kristin Cavallari is among the wedding guests...and Lauren pales and tries to subtly sneak a peek at her former nemesis.

Heidi and her father (Bill) appear at the back of the church and begin making their way down the aisle. As the exchange of vows gets underway, Audrina continually glances over at Justin, while Lauren stares uneasily in Kristin's direction. The guests then applaud when Heidi and Spencer are officially wed and introduced as husband and wife.

After the guests exit the church, Kristin joins the coterie of Hills gals and tells them that she and Brody are, in essence, responsible for Heidi and Spencer getting married 'cause they introduced the two. She then declares that she's single and actively looking for a guy, possibly like the "stand up guy" named Justin she not coincidentally sat beside in the church. Audrina reacts by staring back at her with a visibly irked expression.

Everyone throws flower petals at Heidi and Spencer as they exit the church, while Lauren slips out of a side door and flees to a waiting car. Heidi cacklingly announces that she's ready to throw her bouquet...and when Kristin catches it, Heidi squeals, "You're next, Kristin!" Heidi glances across the lawn, where Lauren is climbing into the car...and then we get a final close-up of Lauren, who looks deeply relieved to forever leave The Hills behind.

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