The Hills - Season 4, Episode 16

Bolthouse has downgraded Heidi to a spacious cubicle

"You Did This"
Original airdate: 11/23/2008

Episode summary: Audrina seemingly believes the nonsensical rumor that Lauren hooked up with Justin. Holly reconnects with Heidi.

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Recap: Inside the lush Epic Records lunch garden, a visibly peeved Audrina is telling Chiara that some rando named Dino (a close buddy of Justin's) told her the [fantastically made-up] tale that Justin and Lauren hooked when no MTV cameras were around to capture it on film. Apparently, when Audrina called Lauren to ask if there was any truth to what anyone in their right mind would just assume is a silly rumor that one or more Hills producers dreamed up in order to stir shit up among the reality show cast mates, Lauren haughtily told her she'd never do anything resembling hitting the sheets with her friend's boyfriend, and then abruptly hung up - then followed up with a text that expressed how perplexing it is that she'd accuse her of bumping uglies with a guy she's made so secret of the fact is utterly loathsome to her. Audrina attempted to corroborate this denial with a denial from Justin - but since he's not responding to her phone calls, she has no idea what to believe. Chiara tries to feign as much interest in this utter stoooopidity of a subplot as she can muster and urges Audrina to get to the bottom of The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not Lauren and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and when Audrina starts sobbing, Chiara gives her a comforting hug.

An incredulous Lauren tells Lo how batshit banana-brain Audrina has been acting towards her, asking if she hooked up with Justin. She initially reacted to this lunacy by laughing out loud before scrunching her face perplexedly and replying, "Nooooooo." She further complains that Audrina is suddenly so cuckoo-nutty over this that she seriously truly genuinely thinks that she (Lauren) hooked up with the repugnant slob and subsequently called her 1) a bad friend, 2) a shady person, and 3) a slut. Lauren then sarcastically faux admits, "I couldn't resist his charm, and his manner, his impeccable hygiene. I was under the Justin Bobby spell." As Lo chuckles at a rumor so asinine that it never should have grown beyond the initial query phase, Lauren further complains that Audrina is calling their mutual friends (Brody, Frankie, et. al.) to spread the preposterous lie...and that unless Audrina apologizes for the fucktarded way she's been handling this idiotic situation, she's done.

"There's a rumor going around that I banged Justin-Bobby."

"That reeks of desperation - even for a Hills producer."

Holly drops by Casa Pratt/Montag to pay a visit to Heidi, and Spencer mockingly calls her "little miss traitor" and tells her that Heidi isn't home...and even if she were, he doubts she'd be interested in seeing her traitorous sister. He further admonishes her for moving in with Lauren - a tidbit that a dismayed Heidi had to learn from Stephanie. Holly calls him out for not having Heidi's bests interests at heart (the way she and Stephanie do) and that he cares only about himself - then abruptly stops talking and asks him to pass along the message to Heidi that she stopped by. 

Audrina stops by Lauren's house as part of a second attempt to get to the bottom of The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not Lauren and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and Lauren just silently glares at her and waits for her to initiate the conversation. When Audrina says that they're both going to need to converse, Lauren tells her she refuses to talk to her like a friend until she (Audrina) starts treating her (Lauren) like one, then asks why, in the name of all that is holy, she's acting like such a crazy person. Audrina comes right out and asks her - probably for the hundredth time - if she rode Justin's baloney pony or not, to which Lauren laughingly calls her insane. A humorless Audrina is all, "I'm dead serious", and Lauren disdainfully says she can believe whatever crudely invented bullcack she wants - but that she needs to stop talking shit about her to their mutual friends. 

Later, Audrina leaves Justin another voicemail message, instructing him to call her back so they can get to the bottom of the troubling rumor that she's been largely responsible for circulating among the Hills posse. She expresses how much it's freaking her out that he's been so mute on the issue...and that when she lets her imagination go wild and visualizes him and Lauren bumping uglies, it makes her sick to her stomach. 

Holly drops by Bolthouse to visit Heidi, and is surprised to see her working out of a cubicle. She further rubs it in by remarking, "I thought you had an office" ... so Heidi points at her former office and explains that she used to pretend to work in that much more luxurious space - before she became a drunken spectacle at a Bolthouse event and was subsequently faux fired, then re-structured into this little cubicle. Holly says she's been so incommunicado lately 'cause she felt hurt after getting steel-toed out of the apartment, and Heidi counters by telling her how hurt she is by the fact that she (Holly) is currently living with Lauren, her former bestie who wants nothing to do with her. Holly says she didn't feel as if she had any alternative, calls Spencer the primary source of her life problems, and argues that he should want every part of her life to be great. She asks Heidi if the cretin even bothered to tell her that she stopped by the apartment the other day, and Heidi just stares back at her mutely...so I'm guessing not.

That evening, Audrina meets up with a somber-faced Justin at Cobras & Matadors. She wastes little time before coming right out and asking if he and Lauren knocked boots, and he replies by asking her if she seriously truly genuinely thinks that after everything they've endured he'd hook up with her BFF. Audrina's all, "D'yuh..?" and says that Dino seemed so adamant about it...and Justin insists that it did unequivocally not happen, then chides her for the verbally abusive messages she's been leaving on his voicemail. When he admonishes her for her immaturity in perpetuating this kind of ridiculousness and negatively affecting various other people, she sadly says she's pretty sure she lost her friendship with Lauren over this. Justin pronounces the situation far too stupid for even him to chew on any further and mumbles, "You put something in your head and you think you really believe it - when it's really fictitious" before getting up and exiting the bar.

"Blink twice if you penetrated Lauren's naughty parts."

"This contrived nonsense is too nonsensical, even for me."

Lauren meets up with Stephanie to discuss The Unlikely Mystery of Whether or Not She and Justin Hit the Sheets Together...and Stephanie says she learned all about it when Audrina texted her the sordid details. When Lauren rails about how bonkers it is that Audrina would think that she'd actually want to sex it up with the human sloppy Joe, Stephanie points out that, in Audrina's defence, Justin has set a precedent of sleeping with her friends (ew). Lauren's like, "But me..? That's the part that sucks." She adds that she and Audrina are scheduled to meet up at Winston's later - but that she doesn't feel as though this rumor-fuelled schmozzle is something they can come back from, and that she has no desire to have a friend who doesn't trust her. Stephanie nods sympathetically and agrees, "This is soooooo nuts." That it is, Stephanie. That it is.

Heidi returns home, complains to Spencer that work isn't as fun as it used to be when she could pretend she had her own office...and Spencer responds by chuckling at her downgraded cubicle status. Heidi chides him for having zero ability to understand what a humiliating demotion feels, then asks if anything interesting happened while she was gone - e.g. did anyone stop by the apartment, perhaps? He's like, "Er, nope. Nothing comes to mind" and a dismayed Heidi mutters, "Really nice" and slinks off to the bedroom.

"Did anyone related to me stop by the apartment to visit?"

"Not to my selective recollection."

Audrina tells her sister Casey that her conversation with Justin did not go well, and that this whole contrived subplot keeps getting worse, the more she talks about it...but yet continues to endlessly talk about it. She says that Lauren looked at her as though she was the one who was hurt - but she (Audrina) is going to stubbornly dig in on not issuing an apology 'cause she didn't specifically accuse her of engaging in any disreputable hanky panky. Casey chews on those verbal gymnastics for a few seconds, then points out how pissed she'd be if someone repeatedly asked her if she did something as nauseatingly tawdry as voluntarily hooking up with Justin, then decrees (though it's unclear exactly to whom), "Everyone needs to grow up."

That evening, Audrina arrives at Winston's with a mysterious older brunette woman (who I can only assume is a Hills producer) ... and the two make a beeline over to where Lauren and Lo are sitting. Audrina points out to Lauren that she never made a direct accusation about her/Justin/hanky-panky-gate, to which Lauren argues that she's asked her several times about whether she and Justin did the horizontal mambo, and every time she replied, "Fuck no...obviously", which hasn't seemed adequate in convincing her that absolutely nothing happened. When she asks Audrina what she's ever done to make her think she's capable of something like this, Audrina weakly says that witnesses have alleged that she once flirted with Justin. Lauren stares back at her in disdainful incredulity and snappishly retorts that she'd rather kill herself than hook up with that unkempt vagabond. She then cries, "You know me!" and Audrina shakes her head as if to say, "Apparently not" ... and as she leaves with the table with the Hills producer, Lauren starts sobbing and is given a comforting hug by Lo.

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