The Hills - Season 3, Episode 5
Recap: Audrina tells Lauren that she was sooooo irked at Justin for abandoning her at Brody's barbecue party that she left her motorcycle helmet behind at the beach house...and when Lauren asks her if she won't be needing it in the near future, she replies, "Probably" - %$#@!! - and says she's still kinda into the "up and down" fucktardedness of their coupling. Lauren reports that Brody and Spencer had a recent falling out, and Audrina remarks on how pissed off Spencer is going to be now that she and Brody have declared themselves friends again. A gleeful Lauren responds by chuckling about how ironic it is that the tables have turned.
Over at Bolthouse Productions, Brent assembles a staff meeting...then asks Heidi if Lauren and Brody are "back on". He explains that he saw them out together last weekend, and Heidi's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says that last she heard they haaaaaated each other, and that it'd be very weird if they were hanging out again.
Audrina tells her work friend, Chiara, about how Justin ditched her at Brody's barbecue, and that she wept over the humiliation...which is unusual 'cause she doesn't typically cry over a guy. She tells Chiara she called Justin to ask whaddup with him just leaving her at the party...and also whaddup with her calling him, given his rude bitchitude. She dramatically declares, "I'm done", but then sheepishly acknowledges that because she's declared being done with Justin so many times, at this point it's pretty much a meaningless pronouncement. She compares her stupid hook-up with Justin as a rollercoaster ride, and Chiara unhelpfully enables this idiocy by cackling about how much fun rollercoaster rides are.
Heidi reports to Spencer that Brent tattled to her about seeing Lauren and Brody out together, and Spencer's all, "Wha-a-a?" and describes that type of sighting as "hell freezing over" - but also doesn't seem extraordinarily surprised at this "unscripted" Hills plot twist.
Lauren and her pals are out at Les Deux when Brody and Frankie arrive and ooooh their hellos with some flirty hey there pointing before seating themselves at her table. Brody suggests that they all convene at Roosevelt Pool on Sunday, and Lauren says she definitely likes the sound of that idea - but that an awesome idea for this evening would be to hang out at his condo...and Brody and his hangers-on make oooooohhhhh!! and mmmmmm!! cooing noises at the sauciness of Lauren's request.
The next day in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney that ever since she and Brody have renewed their friendship, Spencer bitchily refuses to return Brody's phone calls. Whitney calls that soooo immature...and then the two exchange some inane banter that I just kind of fast-forwarded through.
That evening, Audrina primps for her dinner date with Justin - %$#@!! - and tells Lauren and Lo that she hasn't seen him since the barbecue. She asks if it's normal to not be his girlfriend after two years of this type of on-again, off-again shittery, and Lo does her best to mask her disdain at the notion of even wanting to be in a non-platonic relationship with an unwashed cretin like Justin and says that, yeah, in a normal world he should probably be her boyfriend by now.
Audrina and Justin dine at a restaurant named Toi...and Audrina says she's really not that hungry 'cause she ate earlier, but wanted to come out so that they can get to know each other. Justin argues that he already knows her, doesn't think they need to slow nuthin' down, and bloviates about how much he hates putting "statements on things". Audrina asks if by statements he means the boyfriend/girlfriend label, then explains that Lauren and Lo have been inquiring about when/if their unholy coupling is going to be official...and Justin grumbles about them putting things in her ear, wonders aloud why they even care [fair point], and rails about how much it pisses him off when society and Hills cast mates demand clarity on the status of their relationship. Audrina shoots him a weary glance, no doubt exhausted by his bristly 'I'm not going to let the world put me in a box' style rant.
Brody calls Spencer to ask whassup with him not returning his calls, and Spencer says he has zero respect for the lack of loyalty he demonstrated in re-connecting with Lauren. Brody calls that ridiculous and says he's not going to hate Lauren just 'cause he tells him to, and Spencer snarls, "You are rolling around with my enemy. That makes you my enemy." Brody says he feels like they're back in high school [or perhaps even kindergarten], and Spencer snaps, "I have nothing to say to you" and hangs up...and Brody stares at his phone, looking incredulous as he mumbles, "Little bitch."
Brody, Lauren, and their respective posses arrive at Roosevelt Pool to frolic in front of the MTV camera crew and get caught up on each other's lives. Audrina reports that since Justin seems highly averse to society's labels, she's going to give her desperate 'please be my boyfriend' quest a rest, which...hallelujah. Brody, meanwhile, reports about his bitchy exchange with Spencer, who chided him for rolling with the enemy. Lauren tells him that, unlike his baby of an ex-friend, she wouldn't care if he were to hang with Heidi and Spencer. Brody chucklingly argues that she's razzed him about hanging with the two, so Lauren points out that there's a ginormous difference between razzing someone and bitchily severing an entire friendship on extremely flimsy grounds.
Heidi tells Spencer she's off to have breakfast with Jen Bunney...and when Spencer scrunches his face all suspicious-like and asks if Jen is hanging out with Lauren, Heidi assures him that she too has been permanently shunned by their mortal enemy. Spencer looks visibly bummed as he mumbles about how ridiculous this all is, and Heidi attempts to cheer him up by suggesting they have dinner at their fave Mexican place, Don Antonio's.
Heidi arrives at Doughboys and gaily greets Jen...and tells her she hasn't been going out on the town lately, and that Frankie et. al. were really more Spencer's friends than hers. When she fills Jen in on the rift that has formed between Spencer and Brody, Jen's all, "Wha-a-a?", so Heidi explains that Brody's loyalty came into question when he started hanging out with Lauren again, then drops the [faux] bombshell that it was Brody Jenner - and not Spencer - who spread the Lauren/Jason sex tape rumor. As Jen stares back at her in shocked dismay, Heidi insists it's the truth and that she can back it up with the non-convincing assertion: "Because I heard him say things about it." Jen looks visibly skeptical, then swiftly changes the subject to the friendships that were awesome in Season 2 but are now defunct - due largely to Spencer's dickish malevolence. She shares that, even at the height of their beef, Lauren assured her that she'd always be there for her, e.g. if she was sobbing at 2:00am and really really needed her. Heidi cattily retorts, "Well, if you talk to her, tell her I say hello." Jen asks if she thinks that she and Lauren will ever be friends again, and Heidi mutters about how funny it is the way things turn out, then half-heartedly says, "I don't really care" to which Jen shoots back, "Yes you do", and Heidi reacts by mutely staring unhappily into space.
As the final credits roll, Spencer is at home tapping away on his laptop, Brody and Lauren are chillin' with their posses at Roosevelt Pool, and Heidi has finished her breakfast meeting and is sashaying alone down the street.
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THE HILLS HOMEPAGE
Recapper: Isabel K. French
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