Recap: Audrina tells Lauren that she and Justin have plans to grab drinks at Bella later, then invites her to third-wheel it on their date...and adds that since she has commitment issues, she's going to need to take more time to determine if the dumb oaf is boyfriend material [let me assess: he's not]. Lauren tells Audrina she's looking forward to scrutinizing her potential boyfriend, then credits her for being a smart girl...though not really, 'cause when Lauren advises, "Go with your gut, but use your head", Audrina stares blankly into space before replying, "We'll see." LOL. Heidi arrives at Bolthouse and says hey to Elodie, who's all, "Whassup with that purple monstrosity on your ring finger?" As Heidi happily flashes her engagement ring, she gabbles about how Spencer proposed to her in Santa Barbara over the weekend - which came as a huge surprise after all the presumptuous shit he's been doing lately, e.g. vandalizing the walls of their apartment with tacky graffiti art. Elodie says she couldn't imagine getting married at Heidi's age 'cause of how fucking nuts that is, and Heidi says, "Yeah, but when you meet a Spencer at my age, it's a whole different thing", and Elodie manages to not break into too much of a smile when she quizzically replies, "Really..?" Heidi waxes on about how the Chucky doll lookalike is her soulmate, and Elodie advises her to keep her marital status as engaged for as long as humanly possible, and to not buy a wedding dress anytime soon.
Spencer and Brody wander into a clothing store and discuss the engagement. Spencer says the proposal in Santa Barbara went amaaaaaazing, and is shocked that he's even contemplating marriage at the tender age of twenty-three. He used to think that marriage was stupid - until he met Heidi and realized that he could happily spend the rest of his life with the same woman. Brody's all, "Nope, doesn't compute" and asks about the bachelor party, then chuckles about the lack of sex Spencer is going to be saddled with once he gets hitched. Over in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina asked her to tag along on her date with Justin so that she can get to know him better, then scrunches her face into a blech expression and says's she's utterly mystified by how Audrina can possibly be attracted to such a mumbly, moronic assbag. Whitney points out that he's a good looking guy (though...meh), but then acknowledges, "Looks can only take you so far." Lauren says she really really wants to not feel overwhelming disdain for this human sloppy joe...then says that since she hasn't actually had a full on conversation with him, he probably maybe possibly deserves the chance to change her negative opinion of him. Heidi arrives home, startled by the sight of a giant video game in her dining room. When she's all, "What in blazes is this latest abomination?", Spencer excitedly says it's a collector's item from the '80s and that it's going to remain in their apartment for the foreseeable future. An exasperated Heidi says she assumed that they were going to put a dining table in the, uh, dining area, then looks distressed as she mutters, "Oh my God.." Lauren arrives at Bella for Operation Find Something Redeeming About Justin. She asks Justin if he rode over here on his motorcycle...and when he mumbles a yeah, she urges him to ride carefully, gesturing at Audrina and saying, "That's precious cargo you've got there." Justin responds to that with a belch, then barks, "Hey!" at Audrina and - in case anyone thought it was an involuntary release of gas - loudly belches a second time. Audrina giggles and remarks, "You burp a lot", then covers his mouth while chiding, "Excuse you, mister!" as a horrified Lauren wistfully eyes the nearest exit. Audrina asks her if she thinks Justin is a good guy, and Lauren somehow refrains from asking her what fantasy world she's living in and dryly retorts, "It takes more than a couple of drinks to tell." Justin mumbles that he has his own set of questions for her, as well as an evaluation...then jokingly (?) tells Audrina that he's actually in love with Lauren. As Audrina jokingly (?) reacts by saying, "You're such a fucking asshole", Lauren asks Justin if he's ready for her evaluation of his boorishness - but he makes it clear how little he cares about what she thinks of him. Lauren points out that Audrina cares, but Justin just shrugs and mumbles, "It is what it is" and tells Audrina he's ready to hit the road. After exiting the bar, the two put on their helmets and climb aboard his motorcycle, and Lauren implores Justin to be careful while riding with her, then stares after them in dismay as he motors off.
The next day, Lauren and Audrina are laying poolside at Hillside Villas, discussing Justin's assholery. Audrina concedes that he was weird, rude, and disrespectful, and Lauren grumbles about how awkward it was for her to third-wheel it in the company of an immature fucktard who intentionally communicated via belch. Audrina wonders aloud if she should bother calling the horse's ass to see what he has to say for himself...and when Lauren asks her if she seriously wants her opinion, Audrina hastily says no, 'cause she's well aware of the utter contempt she feels for him. Lauren urges her to find a guy who makes her happy and asks her if she's done with Justin...then stares in bafflement as Audrina, who clearly can't decide whether or not she should kick him to the curb in favor of a guy who's capable of presenting himself as a reasonably well-mannered human being while out with her and her friends. Spencer tells Heidi he now agrees that they really really need to buy plates, cutlery, a coffee table, and - yes - maybe even a dining table. Heidi complains about how their apartment feels like a kids' playhouse...then says that when she told Elodie about the graffiti art and video game, she was [only very mildly] shocked that the two of them weren't making those kinds of decisions together. Spencer says they're not so much decisions as they are surprises, and Heidi tries to explain that it's not a fun surprise to come home and see that her living room wall has been spray painted with unsightly graffiti. She expresses concern that their landlord is going to throw them out if he ever watches Season 3 of The Hills and/or gets wind of what they've done to the place - but Spencer just chuckles and nonsensically mumbles, "Wow, I looooove having this power." Over a Pinkberry snack, Lo asks Lauren whassup lately, so Lauren tells her that she went out for drinks with Audrina and Justin to try to make sense of why - in the name of all that is holy - her roommate would give that disheveled train wreck the time of day...and swiftly came to the conclusion that Justin is even more objectionable than she had originally feared. She then calls Audrina to ask if they're still meeting at the gym later, but Audrina cancels 'cause she has plans to get together with Justin. Lauren rolls her eyes and tells Lo, "I can't do the roommate thing with the sucky boyfriend" - while The Hills producers silently, yet vehemently disagree about plot lines mirroring the 'Heidi/Spencer/Lauren hate triangle' that are a lake that's anywhere near fished dry.
Audrina chides Justin for being "grumpy and mean" the other night...so he explains that he was sick, but came out anyway 'cause he had a Hills filming schedule to stick to. He then back-pedals and offers an off-handed sorry, but didn't think that acting like an ill-bred six year old in front of her friend and roommate "that big of a thing", and says he couldn't care less about how horribly he came across. Audrina tests the waters of a potential unholy coupling (or not) by suggesting that maybe they'd be better off as friends, and Justin mumblingly offers two scenarios in this fork in the road. They can..
Audrina asks Justin if he's looked beyond rock kicking, and he confirms he has...then launches into the first of what will be his many 'I'm an aloof poet/wise young sage' verbal diarrhea-ologues and natters about how he just takes her for who she is, the heart that she has, and doesn't "let anyone interfere with that". He concludes with the pronouncement, "I think truth and time tells all" ... and an intrigued looking Audrina smilingly makes a toast to his word salad-y "truth and time" prophesy. Heidi has summoned the courage to buy a roller and some white paint, and is painting over the graffiti art on her living room wall. When Spencer arrives home a few seconds later, she chirps, "Surprise!" ... and a faux shocked Spencer asks her if she's kidding, then points out that his surprise was a beautiful mural, while her surprise is a boring white wall. Heidi insists that he can't actually be mad at her for wanting to revert the living room wall back to its default settings...then makes it clear that, now that they're officially engaged, any future decisions affecting decor need to made together.
The two stare at the half-painted-over mural, and Heidi concludes her chastisement by saying, "This is what it is" ... and Spencer chuckles and sarcastically applauds her painting job. Heidi then wanders off to the bedroom, and Spencer picks up the roller and continues painting over the graffiti art. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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THE HILLS HOMEPAGERecapper: Isabel K. French
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