The Hills - Season 1, Episode 5

Happy Birthday, douchebag

"Jason's Birthday"
Original airdate: 6/28/2006

Episode summary: Jason gets all pissy when Lauren is assigned to work a photo shoot on his birthday. Audrina goes on a date with a vapid model/actor wannabe named Danny.

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Recap: Lauren takes Heidi along to a sporting goods store to buy a set of golf clubs to give to Jason for his birthday. Heidi remarks on what a great gift idea that is, and Lauren says she's only getting them 'cause she literally can't think of what else he might like...then adds that she's going to have to figure out a way to sneak the clubs into the trunk of his car so he can use them for his golf game on the morning of his birthday.

In the Teen Vogue closet office, Whitney remarks, "Jeans can be really addictink" 'cause apparently there are always new ones she feels she needs to have. (Um...OK, Whit.) A few seconds later, Lisa Love enters the room along with a fashion director named Gloria, who announces that there's a big photo shoot on Wednesday she's going to need help with. Whitney says she has class during that time, which means Lauren will have to be there all day to help with the organizing. Lauren looks mildly alarmed and goes, "On Wednesday??!" and Gloria nods obliviously and says she's really counting on her to be there all day and keep everything running smoothly. Once Lisa and Gloria are out of earshot, Lauren tells Whitney that Wednesday is Jason's birthday, and that it sucks she has to work 'cause they had plans for the day. 

"I need your help with an all-day photo shoot on Wednesday."

"Jason isn't going to like this."

While lounging in the pool that evening, Audrina tells Heidi she has a date with a hot guy named Danny. Heidi asks her whassup with her and Brian, and she shrugs and is all, "Not much" and clarifies that they never "took it to the next level". Heidi chuckles at that expression, then suggests they develop some kind of secret signal for her date with Danny so she can find out how well/horribly it's going in real time...and Audrina smilingly agrees that that sounds like a fantastic idea. 

Jason drops by the apartment and gives Lauren a hello smooch. She breaks it to him that she has to work a Teen Vogue photo shoot all day Wednesday 'cause Whitney is unavailable. Jason digests the news, then sourly says, "So...you have to work. On my birthday. Whatever." Lauren winces and mutters, "I'm sorry", and he moodily stares into space while irritably muttering, "Don't worry about it."

Danny picks up Audrina for their date...and while en route to the restaurant, he blathers about how he aspires to be a model and/or actor. She asks him what beach he went to today, and he looks confused and says (and I quote), "Wait - did I say I was going to the beach? I must have lied. That's amazing" - LOL - and Audrina stares into space with a look of bewilderment, no doubt wondering how quickly she can get the MTV crew to wrap up the filming of this date.

At the restaurant, Danny grabs his cell and says he absolutely needs to check his messages while sitting across from her, then pretends he got a call from his agent. When he's done with that, Audrina asks him when he last had a relationship, and he shrugs and says he's never had a relationship that lasted more than thirty minutes. Audrina gets a call from Heidi to ask how the date is going, then suggests - as their secret signal - to compliment the food if Danny didn't turn out to be a total fuckwad. Audrina calls the food "a little greasy" and Heidi cackles with delight and urges her to meet up with the rest of The Hills gang after her dinner. Danny, meanwhile digs into his food and remarks, "This salad's like a party" while Audrina just stares back at him in blatant dismay.

"My agent is saying he's pretty sure this Hills appearance will be the high point of my acting career."

"Good thing I was sitting down for that news."

Heidi, Jordan, Lauren, and Jason arrive at Bella Restaurant...and Heidi warns that things could get awkward 'cause Audrina is just coming off a date that Brian has no idea she had. A few seconds later, Brian arrives...and then a few seconds after that, Audrina arrives...and when Heidi asks her how the date was, she somehow describes it as good, but then makes a 'hell no' face when asked if she's interested in ever seeing Danny again. Heidi squeals, "I wanna hear more! I wanna hear more!", but Brian rolls his eyes and moans, "Oh God, please. Enough already." 

Photo shoot! Jane, an extremely uptight looking Teen Vogue fashion editor, tells Lauren that her first task will be to organize all of the footwear by category. Lauren busies herself with that, then does some clothes steaming and gets all the models to sign releases. Later, as the photographing gets underway, Lauren tells Blaine she bought her boyfriend some golf clubs and that the whole Hills clan is getting together for a birthday dinner.

The Hills menfolk arrive at Angeles National Golf Club, and Jordan surprises Jason with his new golf clubs and tells him they're from Lauren. Jason looks pleased by her thoughtfulness and calls her to thank her and reminds her he's picking her up later for dinner. 

Lauren spends the rest of the day assisting with various menial tasks at the photo shoot, and at one point commiserates to the models about how she's missing her boyfriend's birthday. Even though he's a big boy, and is enjoying his special day playing golf with his pals.

As the menfolk enjoy their golf game, Lauren anxiously watches the clock as she packs everything up once the photo shoot has officially concluded. Jane wanders over to ask Lauren if she has any interest in watching the crew take some final shots on the beach...and Lauren says she's more than willing to go if her intern services are needed - otherwise she has a birthday party to get to. Jane snidely says, "You don't have to be there if you don't care", and Lauren refrains from snapping back, "No, I really don't care" as she beats a hasty retreat.

"You can leave if you don't give a shit about observing our photo-taking on your own time."

"I only give a shit if I'm required to."

Jason picks up Lauren...and while en route to the restaurant, he asks her if she plans to go home after dinner. Lauren's all, "Wuh?" and says she'd be willing to go clubbing with him if that's what he's hinting at, and he makes a blech face at that prospect and lays on a guilt trip about how she had to work on his birthday, wah wah.

The two arrive at Blowfish Sushi, where the rest of The Hills cast (minus Whitney) awaits. Brian stands up and offers a lengthy toast...and soon after, Jason abruptly gets up and seats himself at the other end of the table. When Lauren stares over at him with a hurt expression, he returns to his seat and grunts, "I'm just trying to be friendly, baby", then gets up again and saunters off camera. Lauren tells the guy sitting beside her she's not going to fight with Jason on his birthday - then informs Jason a short time later that she doesn't want to go clubbing tonight after all. He scrunches his face in faux confusion and asks her why she's mad at him, and she refrains from calling him out for acting like a pissy little bitch all through dinner and replies in a flat voice, "I won't fight with you on your birthday, I love you" - and they both look really pissed off as Jason climbs into a nearby Mercedes with the rest of the Hills menfolk and speeds off.

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