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The Bionic Woman - Season 2, Episode 4

9/8/2018

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"This week's cover story is that I'm a sassy, expert blackjack dealer who ran afoul of the law."
"Assault on the Princess"
Original airdate: 10/6/1976

Episode summary: Jaime is tasked with boarding a casino ship and locating two energy cells that have a good chance of blowing the ship to smithereens.

Recap: Jaime is being tutored by an expert blackjack dealer named Joe while Oscar looks on approvingly. When Joe is satisfied that Jaime has acquired the requisite amount of card shuffling expertise to convincingly pass herself off as a skilled blackjack dealer, he packs up his deck of cards and heads out. Oscar summarizes for Jaime (and viewers) the details of this episode's mission: she needs to get herself aboard a casino ship called the Princess Louise, which is owned by a chronic gambler named Lucky Harrison. Oscar tells her that Lucky "likes his women gutsy and beautiful", and that the most critical part of the mission is to locate two energy cells. He produces a photograph of Lucky, then one of the energy cell so that Jaime has an idea what she's looking for. He explains that a double agent known only as Ice Man stole two prototypes of the energy cell, and it is believed that he brought them aboard the Princess Louise. Oscar scrunches his face solemnly and warns Jaime that if the energy cells get too warm, they'll cause an explosion the equivalent of 1,000 sticks of dynamite. Jaime contorts her face as if to ask 'why in the fuckety fuck does Oscar keep roping me into these ridiculously perilous missions when all I want is to be a school teacher in Ojai?' and laments being forced to board a potential floating bomb.

At fictional Puerto de Something or Other in faux South America, Lucky Harrison is holding a clipboard while checking in passengers boarding the Princess Louise. Jamie bursts into the scene pretending she's being chased la policía and begs Lucky for permission to board his ship - but when he tells her to go pee up a rope, she cries out in fake exasperation and dashes off to "evade" la policía, who pretend to be frustrated about "losing" her. While no one's looking, Jaime's stunt double bionically leaps aboard the Princess Louise via a giant cargo platform. The police officer in charge of the fake pursuit heads over to his cruiser, where Oscar has been sitting in the back seat, watching the phony drama play out. He thanks the officer for helping stage Jaime's escape from the authorities so she can cobble together a convincing cover story.

Once the ship hits the open sea, Jaime makes sure to "accidentally" run into Lucky - and he gets irked at the sight of her and snappishly reminds her that he says he expressly forbade her to board his ship. Jaime retorts that she's not the kind of woman who gives up easily...and that she got herself aboard the Princess Louise with as much skill and determination as a sassy-pants such as herself could muster. Lucky looks intrigued with her brazen impudence [remember: he likes his women gutsy and beautiful], flirtily orders her to behave, and asks one of his flunkies to escort her to his private quarters.
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"I'm a handful, so it's a good thing you have two hands, big boy."

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"Feisty and fabulous! Just the way I like 'em."

Jaime glances around Lucky's room to see if she can spot anything resembling an energy cell, but has no luck. She perks up when she sees a safe sitting in the corner and uses her bionic ear to crack the combination, but finds that it's just filled with folders and papers. She manages to close it up when she hears someone approach...and a few seconds later, Lucky bursts into the room. He asks her why la policía was chasing her, so she tells him she got herself in trouble with the law while dealing blackjack to a sore loser who happened to be the cousin of the local police commissioner. An intrigued Lucky asks her if she's any good at shuffling cards - and she tells him she's the best, then demonstrates her card shuffling abilities with a little help from her bionic fingers. Lucky looks impressed and schmaltzily says he also likes that she's so "distracting". He summons a portly dork officer named Grover [why parents would name their son after a muppet, I can't imagine] to escort Jaime to her own stateroom.

Grover shows Jaime to her stateroom and locks her inside...and Jaime bionically eavesdrops on him telling someone he's concerned about "the cute stowaway" and plans to ask the Ice Man what he thinks should be done with her. He then scoffs at Lucky for being too much of a softie when it comes to gutsy, beautiful women. LOL.

Over on a Navy ship, which is cruising behind the Princess Louise at a discreet distance, Oscar gets an update from Jaime on her tiny OSI-issued walkie talkie. She reports that Ice Man is aboard the ship, and Oscar says they're currently running background checks on all the passengers to see if they can suss him out. After she signs off, Lucky enters the stateroom clutching a flowy black dress, and explains that it's what all his lady blackjack dealers wear when working in his casino. Jaime slips into it from behind a wardrobe partition, then emerges and naturally looks totally fab in it. Lucky grins flirtily and says he doubts that the male gamblers will mind losing their cash to a dealer who's so super hot.  

That evening, Jaime is blackjacking in the casino, shuffling cards and bionically eavesdropping on every suspicious looking person in her orbit. She overhears Grover order someone to do exactly as the Ice Man has commanded, then suddenly gets alarmed when she spots Romero, her cartoonishly schmaltzy admirer from the Fly Jaime episode enter the casino. He recognizes Jaime as the stewardess from their Lost-esque adventure, quickly makes a beeline over to her blackjack table, and jokingly asks if he can fluff her pillow. She scrunches her face in faux confusion and goes, "Excuse me?" while the player at her table - a douchefuck named Creighton - barks at her to focus on the game, then calls Romero a fruitcake and snaps at him to get lost. Jaime tells Romero that her table has a minimum bet of $500, and that if he can't place a bet, he's not allowed to stick around. When Lucky saunters over to see whassup, Creighton complains that Jaime has been ripping him off, then gives Lucky an unprovoked backhand across the face. The fuck? Jaime refrains from retaliating by giving Creighton a bionic karate chop and decides instead to get her mission fully underway and explore the ship. She runs into Romero and chides him for causing trouble for her - and he gigglingly accuses her of playing silly games, but says he'll split with his wife in a New York minute if she's remotely interested in running off with him. Jaime makes a yeech face and points up at the moon to distract him...and as he stares up at the sky and soliloquies about the moon's beauty, Jaime bionically leaps up to the top level of the ship. Romero turns around, is mystified by her sudden disappearance, then vows to search high and low for his "little coquette".
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"It is karma that we have found ourselves together once again, coquette!"

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"Either that or scripted coincidence."

Jaime bionically overhears Grover order the engine room guy to steer the ship fifteen degrees off course, then sneaks into the engine room after Grover stomps off. The engine room guy, incidentally, is the same guy who plays Ray Krebbs from Dallas, and he's immediately smitten with Jaime and banters with her all flirty-like and gets grab-handsy. Jaime stares down at the navigational controls and remarks on how they're fifteen degrees off course, and Ray Krebbs pretends it was an oversight (and a plausible observation on her part) and immediately corrects course. Jaime manages to slip out of the engine room just as Grover re-enters to ask whassup with his course correction...and when he learns about Jaime's impromptu drop-in, he snarks at Ray Krebbs to stay away from her, then says he's off to confer with the Ice Man and inquire about their next move. Jaime perks up at the mention of the Ice Man and discreetly follows Grover to the casino to see if she can determine the shadowy man's identity. She closely watches as Grover interacts with various people - just as Romero resurfaces for another round of schmaltz. She does her best to keep her eyes on Grover, but when Lucky appears and invites to accompany him elsewhere for a drink, she has no choice but to put a pin in her mission. 

Grover orders Ray Krebbs to slow the ship down, then reveals that Ice Man suspects Jaime of being a government agent. Eeeeek!

Jaime asks Lucky why he didn't react when Creighton backhanded him, and he hangs his head sheepishly and says he's resigned to being a punching bag for asshole gamblers on account of he needs to avoid any trouble so that he's not court-martialed by the Navy for something that happened ten years ago. He then tells her that when he was in the Navy, he ran the biggest floating craps game on a naval carrier...and when the jig was up, he deserted the military in order to avoid prosecution. He adds that he really really likes being on the open sea, then leans in and kisses her...and while that's happening, Grover is spying on them from the deck above and drops a giant search light onto where they're standing. Jaime manages to bionically deflect it before the two are crushed, then accuses Lucky of orchestrating the failed murder attempt. Lucky angrily denies doing any such thing and angrily storms off.

Jaime reports to Oscar on her little walkie talkie that she has zero proof Lucky is working with Ice Man, and that someone tried to kill her just now by dropping a giant search light on her head. Oscar furrows his brows concernedly and gives her permission to abort the mission and flee the ship, but Jaime says the episode is too far along for her to not see this shitty mission through. Oscar gives her a helpful tip on something he prolly should have told her much earlier: shortly before the energy cell is about to explode, it gives off a high pitched warning hum that her bionic ear should have no problem picking up. As Jaime chews on that disturbing nugget, Oscar informs her that an unidentified submarine has been detected in the general vicinity of the Princess Louise. Jaime deduces that Ray Krebbs most likely steered the ship off course in order to rendezvous with this submarine...and Oscar barks at her to find Ice Man asap, along with the energy cells before the ship, and everyone on it, gets blown to bits. Jaime somehow refrains from snarking that it's pretty fucking easy for him to bark multiple orders at her from the safety of the Navy ship he's currently floating around on.
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"I forgot to mention that when the energy cell is about to blow, it lets off a high pitched hum."

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"Similar to the high pitched scream I'll be letting off if I don't find the thing in time."

Lucky gets a call informing him that someone just tried to sabotage the ship by breaking something in the engine room. He races over to check it out and finds the room filled with steam...and Jaime follows him and sees that the "sabotage" is a broken rudder. She finds Lucky face down on the floor, and gently pokes him back into consciousness and helps him to his feet. Lucky moans about how he doesn't want to call for help 'cause the Navy will be able to court-martial him for his gambling crimes...and his plan of escape is fleeing via a lifeboat stocked with a big bag of supplies. He invites Jaime to abscond with him - but she declines and decides to throw in the towel on her blackjack dealer cover story and tells him there's a nefarious man aboard the ship who calls himself the Ice Man and has been colluding with his head muppet to rendezvous with even more nefarious people aboard a nearby submarine. Lucky mulls that over, decides, "Yep, that sounds plausible" and says he's now committed to stay aboard his broken ship and see this crisis through. As he ambles off to get some help with the broken rudder, Jaime bionically repairs it, sorts out the steam problem, then calls Lucky back and tells him the repairs ended up being a snap. Lucky once again decides, "Yep, that sounds plausible" and tells Grover and Ray Krebbs that the ship's default functionality has been fully restored and they can once again proceed. Grover scrunches his face with irritation about his carefully executed plan getting foiled and mutters to himself about needing to have a word with the Ice Man asap. 

Jaime watches Grover as he circulates among various people in the casino...and eventually he heads over to the bar and tells the bartender that Lucky was somehow able to fix the broken rudder. The bartender retorts by ordering him to signal the submarine pronto...and Jaime has an a-ha! moment as she watches him fill a glass with ice cubes and makes the connection to how he got his nickname.

Jaime is about to make contact with Oscar on her tiny walkie talkie, but is interrupted by a gun toting Grover and Ice Man. They force her along to the engine room, where Ray Krebbs informs them that a Navy ship is fast approaching. Grover orders Ray Krebbs to remove the energy cells from their current hiding place to place them somewhere warm 'cause he wants the Navy to be distracted by a fiery rescue mission after the ship has blown up. What a diabolical muppet.

As Oscar barks at his flunkies to be prepared for a giant explosion aboard the Princess Louise, Grover locks Jaime and Lucky inside a tiny utility room.

Jaime presses her bionic ear against the door and hears Romero wander by, muttering to himself. She cries out for help and urges Romero to turn the door handle as hard as he can...and as he's doing that, Jaime turns the wheel thing attached to her side of the door and - dun dun dun dun - bionically breaks free.   
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"At least place your hand on the door knob so I can keep my bionic super-strength on the down low."

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"Anything for you, coquette!"

Grover and the Ice Man escape the imminent explosion via a lifeboat and speed toward the rendezvous point with the submarine...and Lucky decides he'd rather not hang around a moment longer and risk getting blown up. Jaime orders Romero to head down to the casino, announce that the ship's about to blow up, and advise the passengers to board lifeboats asap. 

Jaime wanders around the engine room with her bionic hearing activated...and encounters Lucky, who says he changed his mind from what he just said five minutes earlier about fleeing certain death. Jaime tells him she's looking for the energy cells, which were most likely stashed in a warm place to cause maximum damage to the ship.

Romero informs everyone in the casino that a bomb is about to go off any minute - but everyone just laughs at his warning and continues to drink and gamble.

Jaime hears a high pitched humming coming from inside a metal panel secured by bolts and tells Lucky she's somehow sure that the energy cells were placed inside. Lucky's all, "Ack!" and races off in search of a wrench...and Jaime uses the opportunity to bionically unscrew the bolts, then calls him back and tells him the nuts were loose. As Lucky scratches his head in wonderment about her problem-solving abilities that seem to involve super-human strength, she grabs the energy cells and races in bionic slo-mo out of the room - dun dun dun dun - and runs straight into Romero. She then decides, "Why not fob the most perilous part of my top secret government mission off on this hapless schnook?" and places the energy cells in Romero's hands and orders him to put them inside the nearest freezer so they can cool down and not blow up the ship they're currently floating on in the middle of the ocean. She urgently adds, "Don't let them out of your sight!" Romero eagerly accepts the daunting task and gushingly tells her he's more than happy to do her bidding, however likely it could lead to his grisly demise.
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"Put these in the nearest freezer before we're all blown to bits."

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"I am flattered that you would implore me to risk being blown up."

Jaime races up to the nearest deck and spots Grover and the Ice Man speeding away on their lifeboat. She whips a big steel thing in their direction, and it smashes onto the boat and capsizes it...and the submarine they were about to rendezvous with disappears under water and races off. A few seconds later, a Navy helicopter arrives to capture the villains.

Lucky finds Jaime, who's teary and emotional from this exhausting mission, and gives her a comforting hug.

With the danger from the energy cells neutralized, Oscar boards the Princess Louise to wrap up this tedious mission. Lucky sheepishly says he knows he's busted - but Oscar tells him he's been in contact with the Secretary, and that he's willing to review his court-martialing 'cause of all the help he offered to Jaime this episode. Lucky tells Jaime how grateful he is to her for saving his ship, then stares at her all smitten-like and says he'd like to see her again once he's sorted out his court-martialing. After he ambles off screen, Oscar tells Jaime that Romero is being treated for frostbite after storing himself inside a large freezer with the two energy cells. Apparently, he took her instructions to not let the devices out of his sight literally. A few seconds later, the paramedics carry a frigid looking Romero out on a stretcher...and Jaime gives him a much deserved kiss on the cheek and thanks the dolt for his service.
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