The Bionic Woman - Season 2, Episode 19

Recap: A demented looking Persian shah - played by a young-ish Robert Loggia, squeal! - is riding his horse around the backyard of a villa while brandishing a curved sword. [Incidentally, I noticed on Robert Loggia's Wikipedia page that there's no reference to this 1977 acting credit...so if anyone out there with a Wikipedia login is interested in making the addition, have at it.] He rants about the shit job the gardener is doing trimming the bushes, then rails about America's inability to keep its nose out of his bidness. One of the flunkies (Hassan, the Prime Minister) who's dutifully listening to his tirade points out that the Americans are concerned he's in grave danger now that he's publicly supported their position on keeping oil prices low - but the shah snaps that he's not interested in their advice or their bodyguards. Hassan gives up on that topic and asks him if he's made his selection regarding which of his four wives he'd like to doink this evening, and he growls, "None of them. They all fail to amuse me" ... and the camera pans over to the four veiled women, who I thought looked visibly relieved at not having to spend any alone time with their misogynist assbag of a husband. The shah then glares over at his young son, Prince Ishmail, and demands to know why he's not inside studying - and Hassan interjects and that reminds him that they're in the process of hiring a tutor to replace the most previous one the bratty prince drove away with his imperious 'tude. The shah warns Ishmail he'd better not make the next one quit, shakes his head in an expression of general disgust with everything in his orbit, and gallops off on his horse.

After the opening credits, we get some fun footage of Monte Carlo...and then the camera zooms in on Oscar, who's brazenly ogling shapely bikini clad women while sitting in an outdoor café. Jaime arrives for their meeting wearing a schoolmarmish grey skirt suit and asks him why he instructed her to show up in a sexy place like Monte Carlo dressed like Mary Poppins. Oscar tells her it's 'cause her next mission is to pose as a tutor for Prince Ishmail, the son of Ali Ben Gazim, aka the shah of an unnamed oil rich Persian country. Jaime scrunches her face in disapproval and says she doesn't like the idea of using her personal teaching degree for OSI missions and prefers to keep those two parts of her life separate...and Oscar's like, "I really don't give a rat's ass" and tells her that Gazim is steering a neutral course between the U.S. and other foreign interests who want to triple the price of oil in order to fuck with western economies. He says that Gazim owns a villa just outside of town, and that he's about to host an international conference to discuss oil pricing. He wants Jaime to go undercover as Prince Ishmail's new tutor so she can protect the boy and his father from any assassination attempts. He warns her that Ishmail is an imperious little shit who's into karate, so she may need to use her bionic abilities to fend off his karate chops if he starts getting out of hand. As Oscar's telling her this, he gets distracted by the bikini clad women flirtily giggling at the table behind them...and an irked Jaime barks, "Leave my father alone please!", then bionically bends the table umbrella to create a shield between Oscar and the women and prevent further ogling on either side. Haha! 

Jaime arrives at Shah Gazim's villa with her trusty red suitcase. After taking quiet note of all the manservants and veiled women roaming about, Jaime wanders around and happens to stumble into the room where the prepubescent Prince Ishmail is threatening to strike his karate instructor for some imagined wrongdoing. Jaime interrupts to introduce herself, then chides the little fucktard for threatening the man...and Ishmail pompously retorts in a quasi foreign sounding accent that mostly sounds weird 'cause of his careful avoidance of using any contractions: "It is my right to show him who is master." LOL. Jaime argues that that probably isn't necessary, given that he's the shah's son and will therefore never get smacked around (as he so richly deserves) 'cause everyone knows who's boss...and Ishmail counters, "But you do not. Perhaps you need to be taught" and gets into karate chop mode. Ali Ben Gazim strides into the room at that moment, and Ishmail glares over at Jaime and barks, "Observe our customs. Bow, woman." And Jaime contorts her face into a you shittin' me? expression...but when it looks as though the shah does in fact expect a bow from her, she lowers her head in a half-hearted display of faux reverence. The shah then orders her to turn around so he can check out her bod at every angle, then nods appreciatively and says that while he hates the frumpy grey shroud she's decked out in, the employment agency did an excellent job of sending over someone attractive...which is kind of a prerequisite 'cause he prefers to be surrounded by attractive women he can objectify. He commands her to treat his demon spawn with the proper respect at all times, and is about to exit the room when Ishmail proudly announces to his father that he's mastered the art of karate chopping two boards simultaneously, then gives him a demonstration. The Shah snorts derisively and says to let him know when he's able to do that with four boards...and a crestfallen Ishmail hangs his head in shame before scurrying out of the room.  

Hassan hands Gazim the guest list for the upcoming conference and tells him he still needs to make some decisions about the proceedings - but Gazim says he can't be bothered with that right now 'cause he needs to finish his conversation with the hot new tutor. Jaime activates her bionic hearing and overhears the shah's veiled wives remark that the blonde new tutor is pretty and that they hope their husband isn't planning on divorcing one of them to install her in his household...and Jaime's all, "Ack!" at the horrifying prospect and asks Gazim whassup with him having four wives. He tells her that his country allows men to have four wives...in addition to however many dancing girls and concubines they wish to keep on the side. He smugly adds, "A woman's place has been clearly defined" and pronounces that everyone in his unnamed country is content 'cause "women know their place, just as men know what is good for them". Indeed, this unnamed Persian country sounds like a veritable utopia for the insecure, '70s misogynist. He criticizes western culture for not producing real men anymore and says western men have no idea how to handle their women...and Jaime rolls her eyes and murmurs, "They still seem to get the job done." She admonishes him for crushing his son's spirit after his karate demo just now, so Gazim explains that his son needs to suck it up and grow up fast 'cause his country only has oil to last for the next thirty years or so, which means they need to develop an economy that can compete in the modern world. He decrees that she is to teach Ishmail the following subjects: math, economics, philosophy, English, Russian, and geography. Interesting...I didn't realize Jaime was even pretending to have a working knowledge of Russian.

Jaime tells Ishmail it would be nice if they got to know each other before their first lesson, but Ishmail says he has no interest in learning anything from a woman and says, "You're excused." Jaime wryly retorts, "That's my line" and gives him an ultimatum: if she's able to demonstrate that she can karate chop six boards at once, he has to agree to let her tutor him. Ishmail grins with amusement and says that no woman could ever break six boards...then looks dumbfounded when Jaime stacks up six boards and bionically chops her way through them. After that, she gets right down to business and says that their first lesson will be Scandinavian geography, then urges him to stop referring to her as woman and start treating her like a human being by calling her Jaime.

During the lesson, Jaime bionically eavesdrops on Gazim arguing with Hassan about his insistence on keeping to the current price structure of oil.

Hassan gets on the phone and tells whoever he's talking to that the shah refuses to raise the price of oil. The man on the other end orders him to dispose of the shah before he's able to announce anything at the conference...and Hassan's like, "Can do", then cackles evilly and says that Prince Ishmail will be the last of his line, and that he shall be the first.

Jaime radios Oscar from her room to report that the shah is planning to announce his position on oil pricing at the conference tonight...and Oscar furrows his brows concernedly and says that the shah's enemies will likely try to kill him before he's able to make that announcement. He says it's crucial to the world's oil supply that she prevent the assassination, and also do her best to keep the snotty young prince safe. After she signs off, Ishmail bursts into the room - 'cause clearly he's too spoiled and imperious to knock first - and demands to know who she was talking to, then demands to see what she has in her hand. She shows him the radio, and he immediately accuses her of being a spy and assumes that she was sent here to cause harm to him and/or his father. He bellows for the nearest guard...and when Hassan and two manservants appear, Hassan snippily informs her that she's being hauled downstairs to face the wrath of his crankypants shah boss.

An angry Gazim rails about the danger of letting strangers into his orbit 'cause they always seem to want to gain advantage over him. Jaime chides his mistrust of everyone, then admits that, yep, she's an OSI agent who was sent here to protect him against a possible assassination. Gazim snarls about how the U.S. is interfering with his country, then picks up his sword, waves it around threateningly, and says, "In my father's day, a sharp sword solved problems quickly." Jaime ignores that unhelpful pronouncement and explains that the U.S. just wants to thank him for not raising oil prices and wishes to return the favor by offering him protection, but he snarls about how he doesn't trust America to not screw him over eventually. He waves his sword around some more and orders her out of his presence. 

Hassan tells Jaime she's free to leave the villa, like pronto, then brushes off any concern about an assassination attempt of the shah as a mere over exaggeration. Jaime bids Ishmail goodbye...and as she's being led down the stairs, she bionically overhears Hassan and whoever he's talking on the phone with plot to plant the bomb in a place where the shah will not be able to escape. Jaime pleads with the manservants to let her talk to the shah, but they ignore her and march her out of the house and into a waiting car.  

Jaime radios Oscar to inform him that she's just been ejected from the villa, and he tells her he's been ordered not to assign anymore OSI agents to protect Shah Gazim. She tells him she overheard someone tell the Prime Minister about a bomb that's going to be planted, but Oscar has clearly given up caring about the mission and is all, "Ah well, whaddya gonna do?" and says his hands are tied. Jaime says she refuses to let anything happen to the snotty young prince and is determined to figure out a way to sneak back into the villa.
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Hassan is informed that the dancing girls have arrived. He looks them over and summons the one wearing a giant emerald...and we soon find out that she's the deliverer of the bomb.

Jaime bionically leaps over the villa fence, then jumps up and lands on a window ledge. She peeks into the room, which is occupied by one of the dancing girls who's practicing her bellydancing routine...and when the woman leaves the room with a spare bellydancing costume conveniently laid out on her bed, Jaime sneaks in and changes into the skimpy, midriff baring outfit.

Ishmail catches Jaime in the hall, recognizes her, and starts to call for a guard - but she covers his mouth, pulls him into the nearest bedroom, and tells him his father's life is in danger. She informs him that Hassan is planning to plant a bomb in order to do away with the shah, and that he plans to be Regent with custody over him until he finds a way to dispose of him as well. Ishmail asks her how she could possibly know all this, and Jaime says there's no time to reveal her top secret superhuman abilities - but then decides, nope, she can't go a single episode without unnecessarily showcasing her bionic strength, so she grabs a metal shield wall hanging and bionically punches a hole through it. She says that this should demonstrate that if she were interested in harming him or Gazim, they'd both be dead by now. She implores him to tell his father about Hassan's betrayal...and when Ishmail says he'll need proof in order to convince his father, Jaime suggests they sneak into Hassan's office to see if there's an incriminating bomb laying around.

Ishmal and Jaime are poking around Hassan's office when Gazim suddenly bursts in and demands to know what they're doing in here. He glares at Jaime, who he doesn't recognize even though the sheer face veil she's wearing is only covering her nose and mouth. When he orders her to lower her veil, Ishmail swiftly interjects and blushingly says he was just showing this pretty lady around the villa. Gazim chuckles and says he's growing up fast, but isn't pleased that he took one of the dancers into Hassan's office for what he assumes is some May-December hanky panky. Ishmail contritely apologizes, then orders Jaime to rejoin the other dancing girls - but by this time Gazim is so horned up by Jaime's scantily clad body that he arranges for her to be brought to his chambers so that she can sexily perform Dance of the Veils while he eats fruit and lecherously stares.

Hassan places the bomb under Gazim's pillow, then flees the room.

Jaime enters Gazim's bedroom, bionically hears the sound of the ticking time bomb from under the pillow, but decides to put a pin in dealing with that immediate, life-threatening danger so that viewers can get a loooong, needlessly gratuitous scene of Jaime gyrating in her skimpy bellydancing costume. Gazim chomps on fruit and calls her dancing magnificent...and eventually Jaime works her way over to the bed, uses her bionic hearing to detect exactly where the bomb is located, then grabs it and hurls it out the window seconds before it explodes. A startled Gazim rips off Jaime's face veil and growls, "You!" ... and when he accuses her of attempting to assassinate him, she insists that the bomb was placed there by his enemies. Gazim looks unconvinced and orders her to be placed under guard.

The conference guests (all men, naturally) arrive at the villa for the conference. Hassan pulls aside the bomb deliverer and tells her that the OSI agent found the bomb, which means they're going to have to kill the shah in a more direct, close-range type way. He opens a cabinet and pulls out a revolver and says that the new assassination plan will include "framing a dead OSI agent". Eeeeek!
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Ishmail wanders over to where Jaime is being held and demands to see her, but the guard posted outside her door refuses to grant him entrance.

Hassan tells Gazim that it's time for his opening address, then covertly orders one of the manservants to bring the Sommers girl downstairs.

Jaime bionically knocks out the guard in her room, while Ishmail karate chops the guard who's posted at her door. Jaime bionically kicks her way out of the room, and she and Ishmail are about to run down to the conference room when they're stopped by a manservant wielding a sword. Ishmail tosses Jaime a sword, and she begins a superfluous duel with the manservant.

Gazim begins his speech, while Jaime tries to wrap up the sword duel 'cause she has an assassination to stop. Eventually she grabs the manservant's sword and bionically snaps it in two, then runs downstairs with Ishmail to the conference room.

Hassan slips behind a curtain at the front of the conference room and gets his revolver ready.

Jaime enters the conference room and activates her bionic hearing in time to detect the sound of a gun cocking. She spots Hassan behind the curtain, so she grabs the nearest sword and bionically whips it at the curtain so that it falls to the floor and reveals Hassan's treachery. When Gazim orders Jaime to be seized, Ishmail explains that Hassan is the real traitor. Gazim is all, "Wuh?" ... and when Jaime explains that Ishmail helped her escape the locked room so they could stop the assassination, he exclaims, "Thank the prophet you disobeyed!" and proudly calls his beaming son a man. Jaime smiles tearfully as the two share a heartfelt father-son hug.

Jaime changes into a flowy brown dress to say goodbye to Gazim and Ishmail. Gazim says he's sorry to see her go 'cause of how shocked he is by everything he learned from her, and was kinda hoping she'd travel back to their country and continue tutoring his son. He asks if there's anything he can do to entice her, so she says that treating his wives with dignity would be a good start. Gazim is like, "Done!" and tells his wives they no longer need to act subservient in his presence...and they react by staring at each other in bemused wonderment. LOL.

Jaime suggests he whittle his marriage down to one wife - but Gazim says that that's way too radical a lifestyle change for him, and that he's going to leave that kind of progress for the next generation. Jaime grins and gives him a goodbye handshake, then gives the snotty young prince a goodbye lip kiss, which I thought was a suitably creepish way to end the most creepish Bionic Woman episode to date.