Melrose Place - Season 3, Episode 27

RIP
Alison's dignity
Seasons 1-3(ish)

"Hose by Any Other Name"
Original airdate: 5/1/1995

Episode summary: Alison is fired from D&D after she's outsmarted by Amanda. Sydney invites two thugs to partner with Jane's design studio, only to discover that they're drug traffickers. Jake blows a gasket when he learns that Jo and Jess are bumping uglies.

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Recap: Michael bursts into the Melrose Place courtyard screaming for Amanda, then rails about the restraining order she just filed against him [for obviously good reason]. When Amanda appears on the landing in front of her apartment, Michael violently rips up the restraining order, to which she responds by warning him to stay away from her or face jail. He reminds her that he saved her life, so she argues that an entire team of doctors saved her life...and then the two exchange insults back and forth, blah blah. He glares up at her and snarls, "I should have let you die", and she sassily retorts, "Better luck next time" (LOL) and returns to her apartment. 

Jo drops by Jake's apartment to tell Jess they need to talk about their blechy affair...and he tells her that Jake is in the shower, then grabs her and gives her a giant smooch. She's all, "Ack!" and pulls away - just as Jake emerges from the bathroom, looking deliciously buff with just a towel wrapped around his waist. Jo nervously says hey and pretends as though she stopped in to tell him she just got an exciting new photography gig...and after he wishes her good luck and slips into his bedroom to get dressed, she rushes past Jess to beat a hasty retreat.

At D&D, Alison is on the phone, barking at someone from Gold Press Printing, for screwing the pooch on the Glorious Gowns layout...and when she hangs up, she screams at Amanda for her blatant disregard for detail. Amanda calmly explains that 1) she (Alison) is actually to blame, 'cause clearly her instructions to Gold Press Printing weren't clear enough, and 2) it's Brooke's job - not hers - to follow up with the printer. Brooke looks ashen for a few seconds, but then gets that this is all part of Operation Oust Alison from D&D ASAP and admits that, yep, her ineptitude was the cause of this crisis. An enraged Alison pulls Amanda aside and chides her for undermining her (fast diminishing) authority - but Amanda just shrugs and breezily insists that she's merely trying to help.

Billy summons Alison to her office and warns that she's going to have a mutiny on her hands if she doesn't chill the fuck out. Alison whines about all of the loooooong hours she's been putting in lately, then glumly shares that the D&D board has outright told her they're losing confidence in her, and have put her on notice. She then asks him to please not tell Amanda, 'cause she's pretty sure the she-devil would move in for the kill if she knew the precariousness of her employment status. When Billy dumbly tells her she's being paranoid, Alison points out that a number of high profile clients have recently left D&D...and if Glorious Gowns doesn't get its layout on time, they're going to miss the deadline for their ads to appear in the all-important June bride magazines. Billy suggests she contact Gold Press Printing and offer them a bonus for a fast turnout, and she decides to take that wise advice and immediately gets on the phone. 

"What would you say if I told you I'm one fuck-up away from losing my job?"

"I'll let this unhelpful blank stare be my retort."

Sydney drops by the hospital to inform Michael that she bailed out Jane's failing design studio with the cash she got in exchange for blackmailing him and Kimberly. She then says she wants the two of them to be partners so they can push Jane out of the business, then offers to make him a home cooked meal at the beach house tonight...and Michael decides 'sure, what could go wrong with that?'

Over at Boot Camp, Kimberly knocks down Mackenzie Phillips while the two are doing some Martial Arts training. The fed up looking drill sergeant storms over and chides Kimberly for not understanding the concept of cooperation, then moves onto the next exercise: how to escape a chokehold. Kimberly eagerly volunteers to be the choke-ee, then during the demonstration proceeds to knock the drill sergeant down and pull up his arm behind him until the bone snaps. As he moans, "She broke my arm!", Kimberly chuckles, "Oh no! How awful." Yeesh.

That evening at the beach house, Michael grumbles to Sydney that since he no longer has Kimberly to share expenses with, he can't afford to live in this swanky waterfront home anymore. Sydney chews on that for a few seconds and offers to pay his rent if he agrees to indulge her with a bed romp whenever she's in the mood for some sexy time. Michael balks at becoming Sydney's personal prostitute...but then decides 'sure, what could go wrong with that?' He then makes an ew face and mumbles, "Let's just get it over with" before the two lock lips and work on romp #1.

​Across town at Shooters, Jane tells Jo that she sold her soul to the devil when she agreed to let Sydney invest in her design studio in exchange for being appointed president. Jo's like, "I see your business problem and raise you a repugnant fling" and motions at Jess. She adds that Jake has no idea she's riding his brother's baloney pony, and Jane advises her to keep that grotesque secret under her hat for as long as humanly possible.

While laying in bed together, post-romp, Sydney reminisces to Michael about how happy they were during their five minute marriage, then hastily climbs out of bed and says she has to rush off 'cause she has "major meetings" in the morning. Michael chuckles at the idea of her having any kind of meeting, and she responds by smugly writing him a check [interestingly, from the money she blackmailed him with], warns that he shouldn't be so sassy to her, and promises to keep the checks coming as long as he's willing to jump into the sack with her every time she says jump.

Over at Casa Armstrong, Billy and Brooke are enjoying a sexy bubble bath (while her pa is out of town). Brooke complains that she can't seem to "do right" by Alison anymore, so Billy tells her in confidence that Alison is extraordinarily stressed out 'cause the board has put her on notice...and that if she makes one more blunder, they're going to steel-toe her out. Brooke coos, "Poor Alison. I hope she can ride this out", then smiles deviously into space.

The drill sergeant, who now has a cast on his broken arm, walks over to Kimberly while she's doing sit-ups and tells her that - surprise! - she's been cleared to graduate from boot camp early and needs to leave the premises post-haste.

"Congratulations on your early graduation. Now get the hell out."

"Was it something I said...I mean broke?"

Brooke dishes to Amanda that Alison is on the outs with the D&D board and cites her source as "a little birdie" ... and Amanda just rolls her eyes and correctly assumes that Billy was the one who blabbed about it during a recent pillow talk session. She then instructs Brooke to take the Glorious Gowns layout duplicates to Arrowpoint Printing and tell them that D&D will pay triple the going rate for a 24 hour turnaround. After Brooke scurries off to do her bidding, Amanda gets on the phone with Gold Press Printing, identifies herself as Alison, and tells them that she's no longer in a rush and doesn't need the Glorious Gowns layout for two weeks.

Back at the hospital, Michael is chit-chatting with the new plastic surgeon, Dr. Paul Graham, when Matt rushes over to ask Michael if he plans to attend an upcoming fundraiser...then laments that he's going solo now that he's broken up with Jeffrey. Paul looks visibly intrigued by that tidbit and later tells Michael he's not used to someone being so openly gay on '90s primetime TV.

Jane admonishes Sydney for suddenly putting Michael on the studio's payroll, and Sydney explains that she did that 'cause she's paying his rent - but doesn't have time to further discuss what seems like a nonsensical financial decision, 'cause she has an important business meeting to get to. Jane's all, "Business meeting..?" and says she'd like to attend as well - but Sydney gives that a hard no and promises to give her a full report when she returns.

Sydney arrives at a fancy restaurant and meets with two thuggish looking men: Vince McConnell and Jim Stone. They quickly deliver their pitch: they have a line on some cheap pantyhose mass produced in China, and want to use the Mancini Studio brand to "class up" the shitty merchandise. When they cacklingly mention to Sydney that they know she used to hook for Kristian Alfonso, she angrily springs up and threatens to leave. Vince calms her down by praising her business smarts, so she retakes her seat and negotiates for a higher percentage of the profits. When they easily accept without further haggling, Sydney [ignores that red flag and] orders a bottle of Dom Pérignon.

Matt is working out in the hospital's gym when Paul ambles in and chats him up. He gives off a distinctly flirty vibe as he natters on about his recent move to L.A., then spots Matt while he works out with the heavy weights. Mmm hmm..

Sydney is collecting her mail when she sees Jess head up to Jo's apartment to have an agonizing [to watch] conversation about how uncomfortable it is (for Jo) to be boning her ex-boyfriend's brother...'cause no duh. Jess tells her he's soooooo crazy about her [despite them having absolutely zero chemistry], then half-heartedly says he should go - but Jo moans, "Dooooon't go" and leans in for a smooch...and within a few seconds, the two are going at it hard, bumping uglies against the shared wall of Jo's/Sydney's apartments.

Sydney wastes no time making a beeline over to Shooters to tattle to Jake that she just heard Jo and Jess sexing against the wall that divides her/Jo's apartment. As Jake pales and is all, "The fuckety fuck?", Sydney's like, "That pretty much sums it up" and says she hates seeing people do shady shit to him behind his back. 

"I had the misfortune of listening to Jess bone Jo fairly vigorously against our shared wall."

"Visual alert."

Jake barrels over to Jo's apartment and asks her if she's really seriously actually doing the nasty with his creepy half-bro to as a means of getting back at him, and she's like, "Er, kinda" and reminds him that he made it clear he didn't want anything serious with her. Jake sourly points out what a dumb loser Jess is, says there's no way he's buying that this could possibly be a real relationship, and haughtily storms out.

Vince and Jim drop by Jane's studio with the pantyhose contract and some samples...and when Jane's all, "The fuck is all this?", Sydney explains that these creepy thugs are their new business partners. Jane makes it clear how deeply annoyed she is that Sydney went ahead and did this without consulting her...and when Vince and Jim inform her that this sweet deal will net them 100K, she snarkishly tells them she's not interested. Jim's like, "OK whatevs" and gushes about how terrific Sydney is and invites her to dinner, and Sydney flirtily accepts. 

At the hospital, Paul invites Matt to dinner, and Matt's like 'sure, why the hell not?'

Back at D&D, Alison calls Gold Press Printing to ask whassup with the delay with the Glorious Gowns layout, and whoever she's talking to reminds her that she had called earlier to tell them they now have two weeks to prepare the layout. When Amanda just happens to enter her office a few seconds later, Alison accuses her of deliberately delaying the print job - but Amanda denies it, chides Alison for not getting anything from Gold Press Printing in writing, and mockingly points out that she's screwing up all by herself. She strongly urges Alison to "save face" by calling a board meeting and inviting Bob McGovern (from Glorious Gowns) to let them all know that the campaign is officially a bust...and Alison somehow agrees that, yep, it's the best course of action. 

Kimberly is back at the hospital and cockily tells a befuddled Michael that she moved all of her stuff out of the beach house and that she's back in L.A. permanently. A displeased Michael grumbles, "Not if I have anything to do with it."

Over dinner, Jim asks Sydney how in blazes she was able to invest so much money in her sister's design business and got herself appointed president, and Sydney saucily rejoins, "Creative financing" and adds that she is, quite simply, a very clever gal.

While leaving work for the day, Alison tells Brooke that this is going to be Amanda's last week at D&D, then abruptly changes the subject and asks her if she has any idea why Billy's been so distant lately. Brooke just kind of shrugs and says she doesn't ask him about his personal life, then bids Alison good night and climbs into the backseat of a limo, where Billy is waiting to give her an amorous smooch.

Jess arrives at the beach, where Jo is finishing up a photo shoot. They agree how worrying Jake's mental state is over the colossal grossness of the two of them knockin' boots - but then Jess insists that his brother's bad attitude isn't going to stop him from seeing her. He creepishly decrees, "I'm never going to give you up" and leans in for some amorous kissing...and, nope, still no chemistry there.

"I'm determined to be an albatross around your neck for as long as humanly possible."

"I'm hopelessly a-swoon."

Kimberly says hey to Matt, profusely apologizes for all the harm she's caused him this season, and says that to make amends she'll do anything to help him professionally. As Matt stares back at her skeptically, she leans in for a cheek kiss and giddily shares that she suddenly has a whole new lease on life. 

Alison has stupidly gathered together the D&D board, along with Bob McGovern, to sheepishly announce that much to her regret Glorious Gowns will be unable to meet its June layout deadline...then blames Amanda for the debacle. An aghast Bob McGovern's all, "Nooooo.." about missing out on all the June bridal magazine ads - but Amanda interjects and smugly informs him that she managed to get his layouts prepared on time by a different printer. Alison stares at her incredulously and accuses, "You set me up!", to which Amanda wryly retorts, "To try to please the client - you're right." Alison promptly loses her shit and cattily rants about how she (Amanda) has been trying to get back at her ever since Billy dumped her...and the board members look put off by her sophomoric bitchitude as Amanda calmly explains that she's been doing her darnedest to work around this incompetent woman at the helm. She assures the board that her health is tip-top, then gives them an ultimatum: appoint her as D&D president, or allow her to leave and take all of her accounts with her. Alison squeals, "That's outrageous!" and angrily calls Amanda "a conniving, bleach blonde piece of dirt" - until the board chair tells her to shut it and hastily appoints Amanda as president, effective now. A triumphant Amanda decrees that, as her first order of business, she's cutting Alison loose...and Alison scurries out of the conference room in tears. Brooke chases after her and laments how horribly she's being treated and half-heartily says she wants to leave along with her, but Alison assures her she'll be fine, and urges her to keep her job.

In the next scene, Amanda pops a bottle of champagne, while Brooke slavishly declares, "The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen!"

​After a lovely dinner out, Matt invites Paul to his place for a nightcap, and Paul says he definitely likes the sound of that idea. 

Jane summons Sydney to her studio office to show her the stash of heroin that Vince and Jim included in the pantyhose shipment box...and explains that she checked the box 'cause she had serious suspicions about the two thugs. Sydney's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and insists that she had no idea she was doing business with drug traffickers, and promises to get to the bottom of it - preferably without police involvement. 

After a satisfying romp, Paul quietly climbs out of Matt's bed and tiptoes over to the living room. He calls his wife (!) and fibs to her that he won't be home for awhile 'cause he'll be stuck at work performing an emergency surgery.

Across town, Kimberly is defacing photographs of Michael by cutting out the eyes and crazily murmuring, "An eye for an eye, Michael." As the camera pans out, we see that she's surrounded by a giant pile of Michael photos, all with the eyes cut out...and with wax candles burning all around her. Yeesh.

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