Melrose Place - Season 3, Episode 26

Kimberly unleashes her inner warrior while sweating it up at boot camp

"Melrose Impossible"
Original airdate: 4/10/1995

Episode summary: Amanda baits Alison into humiliating herself in front of a CEO during a D&D pitch meeting. Jo somehow finds herself hopelessly attracted to Jess. Kimberly enrols in a military-style boot camp to fuel her anger before seeking revenge on her enemies.

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Recap: A desperately lovesick Michael shreds what's left of his dignity by phoning Amanda (during a shift at the hospital) to declare his unending passion for her...and she responds by firmly telling him she's not remotely interested in dating him or listening to anything he has to say. He whines that he can't accept losing her, to which she snaps, "You have to. Goodbye." A few seconds later, Matt obliviously ambles over to ask Michael if he knows where Kimberly is, and Michael pissily-bitchily snaps at him that he couldn't give the tiniest rat's where Kimberly is, but is glad she's gone.

Kimberly, meanwhile, has enrolled herself in some kind of boot camp training for what looks like a group of hard done by women. They're all dressed in grey sweats with red 'No more victims' splashed across the front of their sweatshirts...and during a military-style run, a drill sergeant is yelling at them to jog faster. One of the other boot campers, played by Mackenzie Phillips, repeatedly shoves Kimberly to the ground, which prompts the drill sergeant to bark at Kimberly to better focus on success, control, and strength...and to never let another person get her down. Kimberly reacts to the [what I thought was a misdirected] tongue lashing by staring into space as she gains some renewed looking vigour.

Jess packs up his meagre possessions in a box, then mopishly tells Jake it's time he headed back to his hometown...'cause it's clear that he doesn't want his dud of an older brother around. He self-piteously decrees, "I'm a dead end guy, Jake. I belong in a dead end town" - no argument here - but Jake meekly apologizes for (accurately) questioning the legitimacy of his credit card at dinner during the previous episode . He says he'd loooooove for him to stay in L.A., not least 'cause he could use the extra help at Shooters...and Jess agrees to stick around.

Over at D&D, Brooke tells Amanda she has twelve voicemails from a Dr. Michael Mancini, and Amanda rolls her eyes and instructs her to transfer all future calls from the infatuated dolt to the security desk. She then pulls Brooke aside and says they need to turn up the heat on Operation Oust Alison From D&D 'cause she wants her office back, like yesterday. Brooke furrows her brows and says she isn't sure exactly what she should do to further that along, so Amanda specifies, "Destroy her" and says that surely an inept nitwit like Alison has made some blunders...and suggests that Brooke take a deeper dive into her files and daily schedule. Brooke wrings her hands about how shitty it makes her feel to be doing this, given how kind Alison has been to her, so Amanda tells her that with her future power and her (Brooke's) rich people connections, they could build something great together. Brooke mulls that over for a few seconds and decides that, yep, she's A-OK with plotting against her boss. When Amanda spots Billy entering the cubicle area a few seconds later, she snappishly tells Brooke to get her shit together, in order to prevent Billy from twigging onto their secret plot to overthrow Alison.

"I need you to help me become D&D's head cheese again, pronto."

"Since you're far scarier than Alison, can do."

Sydney drops by Jane's design studio to gloat about the 100K she managed to score from Kimberly and Michael, earnestly explaining, "Blackmail is a growth industry." LOL. She then tells Jane she's extremely interested in investing in her floundering design firm, then passes along her lawyer's card and says if she's interested they can meet at his office tomorrow and draw up the papers. 

Back at D&D, Alison is dictating a letter to Brooke about the exciting new campaign the company will be working on for the Mrs. Molly's Cookies account. She then tells Brooke that the new, youngish CEO of the family business, Tyler Hirsch, will be coming to D&D in a couple of days to listen to their pitch.

After the meeting, Brooke makes a beeline over to Amanda to blab that D&D is going to delivering a big campaign for Mrs. Molly's Cookies...and that through her family connections she knows knows a disturbing tidbit about the Hirsch family that could help with Operation Oust Alison From D&D.

Amanda is at home, screening calls from Michael, who screams into the receiver that he's not going to put up with her rejection of him. After he hangs up, Amanda calls the hospital to schedule her next cancer remission checkup, making it clear to the nurse that she absolutely does not want Dr. Michael Mancini to be present during the appointment.

Jo arrives at Shooters, where Jess is bartending, and orders a beer. Jess tells her that he and Jake patched up their differences...and that since Jake made it clear to him that the two of them were totally dunsville as a romantic couple, he invites her to dinner. He leans in, flirtily touches her arm, and calls her incredible...and Jo agrees to think about spending an evening dining with the unsightly loser.

Back at Boot Camp, the drill sergeant barks at the group about the need to stand up to anyone who means to cause them harm, and the women dutifully bleat, "I'm not a victim anymore!" repeatedly. After that, they break up into groups of two so they can practice takedown exercises. Kimberly and Mackenzie Phillips pair up and then aggressively shove each other and roll around in the dirt...and it quickly escalates until the drill sergeant has to jump in and physically separate them.
 
Amanda's oncologist tells her she's on her way to a full recovery from her brief bout with cancer, and she tells him she's very relieved - but also deeply annoyed that she's being harassed by Dr. Mancini, and wants it stopped asap. The doctor just kind of shrugs and says there's nothing he can personally do about it and suggests she complain to the hospital's Chief of Staff - but Amanda irritably says she has zero confidence that that's going to accomplish anything...and wonders aloud if she might have to sue the hospital. After the doctor exits the exam room, Michael unexpectedly appears and tells Amanda he's so desperate for her to not dump him that he's willing to get down on his knees and beg for her love. When he tries to bring it in with a forcible hug, she smacks him across the face, makes it clear that she only pretended to be into him while she was cancer-stricken 'cause she needed his help as a physician, then snarks, "You disgust me", and tells him to get some damn dignity. 

At Sydney's lawyer's office, Jane is aghast to learn that part of the agreement to acquire Sydney's 100K investment entails Sydney being installed as president of Mancini Designs. Jane bewilderedly points out to her sister that she knows fuck all about fashion design and/or running any kind of business...so the lawyer interjects to bizarrely claim that being president is somehow his client's best way to protect her sizeable investment, and that if she (Jane) doesn't agree to the terms she's going to go bankrupt. Jane glares hatefully at Sydney before helplessly signing the papers.

"You're clueless about everything, and shouldn't be in charge of anything."

"That's no way to talk to your new president."

During a D&D meeting on the upcoming Mrs. Molly's Cookies campaign, Amanda excitedly blurts out that she has a winning idea for a modern, energized pitch that's sure to appeal to the youthful new CEO: a high-powered female executive is busily working when she discovers she's out of her favorite snack - Mrs. Molly's Cookies - then looks out the window of her fifteenth story office, sees a Mrs. Molly's Cookies delivery truck, and leaps out the window [presumably to land atop the truck and somehow get inside to devour whatever cookies haven't yet been delivered ?? Sounds like a less than mediocre pitch at best...but OK]. Alison wisely nixes the idea out of hand and says she wants to stick to a more conservative, family-oriented pitch. After Amanda and Billy exit the conference room, Brooke urges Alison to consider using Amanda's idea and take D&D in a new direction, pointing out that the worst that can happen is Tyler Hirsch rejects the campaign.

Jo and Jess are enjoying an evening mini-putting. Jess natters about being a simple guy who likes simple pleasures, then gets all flirty-touchy with Jo when he stands behind her and offers her some hands-on golf tips. 

Later at Shooters, Alison, Billy, and Brooke are chatting about the upcoming cookie campaign. When Jake wanders over to say hey, he's introduced to Brooke...and once he's safely out of earshot, Alison makes it a point of telling Brooke that Jake is available - in case she's interested. She then calls it a night, and once she's safely out of earshot, Brooke assures Billy that, for whatever inexplicable reason, she's totes into him (and not Jake) ... and that she'd very much like to go home with him. Billy scrunches his face perplexedly and asks her what in blazes she sees in him, given that he doesn't have a trust fund or play polo [or is, to put it mildly, not the sharpest knife in any drawer], and Brooke just insists that she's extremely attracted to him - but is also growing tired of pursuing him when he never reciprocates. She makes it clear that, starting now, she's refusing to make a fool out of herself anymore, then gets up and sashays out of the bar.

On the day of the big cookie pitch, Amanda introduces herself to Tyler Hirsch and wanks him about how his company is the best cookie-maker in the business...then makes it clear that D&D's presidential torch has been passed to Alison, and that she's a mere observer at this meeting. Alison takes that as her cue to begin parroting Amanda's 'jump out the window' pitch idea ... and ends with the tagline: There is never a wrong time to jump for a Mrs. Molly cookie. Tyler reacts by staring back at her with a horrified expression before pitifully murmuring, "How could you?" and explains that his mother took her own life by leaping out of a fifteenth story window. Oops. Alison stares back at him in stunned silence as he rails about her inhumanity and poor taste in making a joke of his mother's suicide, then storms out. Alison shoots the stink-eye at Amanda and snarlingly warns that she'd better pray she had no idea about Ma Hirsch's death jump...and after she dashes out of the conference room, Amanda and Brooke exchange devious grins. 

"My mother died after leaping out of a window."

"But not to satisfy a cookie craving, I assume."

After Billy does his best to bring calmness to the situation, Alison manages to put her rage on hold long enough to phone Tyler Hirsch's office to leave a message about what she can only describe as an unfortunate coincidence/misunderstanding. She then whines to Billy about how she doesn't feel as though she can trust anyone, and asks him if he would pleeeeeease take her out for dinner tonight 'cause she really really needs to be treated like a human being...and an unenthused Billy decides 'sure, why the hell not?'

As Amanda collects her mail in the Melrose Place courtyard, Sydney flounces over and announces that she's the new president of Mancini Designs, and that D&D is on probation 'cause she's displeased with the way their account is being handled. Amanda suggests she talk to Alison, aka the person in charge, about that - but Sydney just rolls her eyes and tells Amanda that everyone knows she's the one who holds the cards at D&D, then decrees that she wants a meeting next week.

Amanda enters her apartment and is vexed to find Michael setting her table for a big Italian meal he just cooked...and he explains that he didn't even have to break in 'cause he had her keys copied while she was staying at the beach house. Amanda warns that she's been restraining herself from involving the police because of how grateful she is to him for the way he helped her when she was cancer-stricken. On the subject of cancer, Michael proudly credits himself for being the one who cured her, and that he's also extremely proud of the wonderful meal he just whipped up for her. An unamused Amanda responds by picking up the phone and threatening to call 911, so Michael hastily agrees to leave before (falsely) predicting, "You'll come around, baby."

Back at Boot Camp, the sweatshirted gals are sitting around a campfire as the drill sergeant natters on about the importance of their unity, and calls out Kimberly for having particular difficulty fitting in. Mackenzie Phillips apologizes for lashing out, then explains that she just got out of an abusive relationship and took her bad feelings out on her. Kimberly retorts that she couldn't care less about her feelings, and that she's suffering through this horrendous boot camp in order to gain power, strength, and determination...and when she's filled herself up with those qualities, she's going to lash out at everyone who's ever hurt her and take back what's hers. She then gets a demonic look in her eyes as she pronounces, "I will find selfness when I'm standing on the corpses of my enemies" ... and an alarmed Mackenzie Phillips just stares back at her, and then the drill sergeant, in mute bewilderment.

After enjoying dinner out, Alison and Billy stroll back to Melrose Place...and Alison whines about the pressure cooker she's been in at D&D ever since taking the reins, then flirtily urges him to help her release "the tension" so she can relax for the evening. She coquettishly wanks, "You're always real good at that, if you know what I mean" - but Billy makes it clear that he has zero interest in hitting the sheets with her and suggests she try a hot bath or a cold shower. He then dismissively mumbles, "I've got other things to do" before turning and ambling out of the courtyard. Ouch.

Billy heads over to Brooke's dad's fancy estate and throws pebbles at Brooke's bedroom window...and a few seconds later, Brooke appears on the balcony, then descends the spiral staircase to the ground level. Billy apologizes for not fully committing to their budding romance, but is now certain that he truly digs her. Brooke's all 'hurray!' and happily leads him up the staircase and into her bedroom, where the two start smooching and amorously going at it atop her bed.

The next day at D&D, Billy acts very lovey-dovey towards Brooke, then tells her that Alison is looking for her...and seems pretty bent out of shape. A few seconds later, Amanda sneakily sidles next to her and warns, "Be prepared, it's close to time for our palace coup."

Alison needlessly shares with Brooke that she and Billy were a couple for a long time and nearly got married - but that it's finally penetrated her thick skull that the relationship is fully over. She then moans about how she doesn't have a single friend in the world, thanks Brooke for being someone she can trust, and says that since "it's open warfare around here", she's going to need her to spy on Amanda. She wants to know what Amanda's up to 'cause she's certain that the Tyler Hirsch fiasco was no accident...and Brooke tepidly agrees to do her best to suss out whatever nefarious plot Amanda might be cooking up. 

"I feel like I don't have a single friend at D&D."

"Yeah, I get that feeling too."

Back at Boot Camp, the women are given their final challenge: sit in a sweat lodge and chant "inside myself is the warrior" until such time as they start hallucinating and/or pass out. Over the next while, Kimberly manages to out-chant her competitors, but then hallucinates that Amanda, Jane, Jo, and Sydney are sitting across from her, mocking her as they malevolently chant, "Die, Kim!" When it all becomes too much, Kimberly screams, "Noooooo!!" and races out of the lodge, knocking over Mackenzie Phillips in the process. The two wrestle around until Mackenzie Phillips punches her in the face and complains to the drill sergeant that the nutty bitch has completely lost control. Kimberly denies that and breathily declares, "I've found my mission."

Jo arrives at Shooters and tells Jess she needs to talk to him privately, so the two head outside to the alley. Jo tells him that despite the crackling electricity that exists between them [though: not], she thinks they need to cool it, 'cause she's worried it will hurt Jake. Jess coos about how he feels something for her that's much stronger than electricity: a pull. Jo looks too overcome by passion to deny that she too feels this "pull", and doesn't protest when Jess leans in for what he calls "one last kiss". After locking lips, the two urgently strip off each other's clothes before getting it on while pressed against the brick wall...and, nope, still no chemistry there.

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