Melrose Place - Season 3, Episode 12

"Say hello to your crazy faux momma!"

"The Doctor That Rocks the Cradle"
Original airdate: 11/28/1994

Episode summary: Jo gives birth to a son, which Kimberly claims as her own. Alison is sentenced to probation and counselling after her drunken driving accident. Bruce fires Amanda from D&D.

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Recap: As paramedics arrive and rush the injured cyclist to the hospital, a wigged out Alison asks a police officer if the kid is going to be OK...and fortunately it doesn't appear as though his injuries are life threatening. As Alison wails about how he just appeared out of nowhere, the cop tells her to chillax and also psych herself up to take a breathalyzer test, which he calls standard procedure. Alison insists that that won't be necessary 'cause she's definitely not drunk - but after she exhales into the device, the cop informs her that she's well over the legal limit of alcohol and promptly places her under arrest.

The next morning at the jailhouse, Alison is finally allowed to make a phone call. She uses the pay phone to dial Billy's number.

Across town, Billy and Susan are in bed canoodling when Alison calls to explain to Billy that she..

• Got into a car accident last night
• Was arrested for driving drunk
• Can't get a hold of Zack ['cause - spoiler - he's ignoring her calls]
• Most importantly needs someone to post $500 bail so that she can be sprung from the clink

Jane and Chris arrive at the design studio and fish through the large pile of mail that's scattered across the floor until they find the eagerly awaited check for 500K that she plans to put towards the expansion of her company. Jane kisses Chris and gushes about how wooooonderful it feels to be awash in so much cash, and he smarmily congratulates her on her success.

Over at D&D, Amanda is convening a staff meeting, during which she reassigns all of Alison's accounts. After the meeting adjourns, she pulls Billy aside to tell him that since Bruce continues to recover from his heart attack, she's going to be taking on more responsibilities and could really use his help. Billy stares at her blankly and asks why she'd single out a bonehead such as himself to be elevated to that kind of status, so she tells him she's going to need a right hand man to support her expanding role...and somehow figures that of all the D&D staff (minus Alison the lush) he's her best option. 

"Would you do me the honor of becoming my right hand man?"

"Of all the cubicles in all the advertising agencies.."

Billy posts Alison's bail and escorts her home as she grumbles about how awful it was to be treated like a criminal during her (all too brief) incarceration and now desperately needs a looooong hot shower. As she pours herself a glass of vodka, Billy remarks on how alcohol is prolly the last thing she needs - right?! - to which she nonsensically argues, "The reverse is true", then implores him to spend the night in her apartment 'cause she'd rather not be alone. Billy makes a blech face at the prospect and says he can't/doesn't want to 'cause he and Susan have plans...and Alison sarcastically retorts that she wouldn't want to spoil their fancy plans, then self-piteously insists she neeeeeds to not be alone tonight, and that it'd be nice if someone gave a rat's ass about what she's going through. Billy reminds her that he did just post her bail, and suggests she might try giving a rat's ass about the kid who had to spend the night in hospital 'cause of her drunkenly erratic driving...but after he storms out of the apartment, Alison just continues to obliviously guzzle her vodka.

​While getting ready for bed, Peter warns Amanda against getting complacent at D&D, and urges her to watch Bruce like a hawk so she can report back anything significant. When Peter expresses concern that Bruce might be secretly taking steps to save the company, Amanda assures him that Bruce divulges absolutely everything to her.

Over at the hospital, Kimberly pays a visit to a patient named Linda Cortez, who's been admitted so that she can deliver her stillborn child the following afternoon. Kimberly creepily tells the sobbing woman she'll get through this A-OK and that she'll be in her thoughts...which I'll translate to mean that Operation Pretend Jo's Baby is Stillborn is about to kick off.

Kimberly drops by Jo's apartment to inform her that Linda Cortez will be delivering a stillborn child at the hospital tomorrow...and that, since Michael is working double shifts all weekend, the timing is perfect to induce her labor and get away with pretending that Mrs. Cortez's deceased child is Jo's fake deceased child. Kimberly suggests that first thing tomorrow morning they spread the word around Melrose Place that they're off to Santa Barbara for a day of rest and relaxation and ensure that one or more people witness them leaving together. Jo says she can't belieeeeeeve the situation has come to this level of nuttery, so Kimberly reminds her that it's the only way to not have to hand over her child to the weird Carters, who are anxiously waiting the birth so that they can take custody. She then reiterates her batshit cuckoo plan:

• She (Kimberly) will deliver the baby at the beach house, then submit the necessary paperwork to make it look as though the child was stillborn
• She will then send the Cortez baby to the crematorium and pretend it was Jo's child [and keep her fingers crossed that the Cortez family has no intention of holding any kind of burial]
• She (Jo) will make advance arrangements to get the hell outa town with her not dead baby and never ever return to California

The following morning, Amanda drops by Alison's apartment to ask whassup with her skipping out on work yesterday and not bothering to even pretend to call in sick. Alison half-heartedly apologizes and says a terrible thing happened and she therefore needs some alone time. Amanda informs her that she reassigned all of her D&D accounts to other staff, says she's tired of her constant excuses, and admonishes her for not even being aware that the company has been operating in crisis mode since Bruce's heart attack. 

Across the courtyard, Jo exits her apartment with Kimberly and a large picnic basket. The two run into Jake and nervously gabble about how they're off to Santa Barbara to picnic together. A bemused Jake's all, "Really?" ... and when he says he had no idea the two of them were even friends, they lay it on thick about how they've recently bonded 'cause of Jo's pregnancy and Kimberly's desire to be pregnant. Jake's like, "OK whatever" and urges Jo to take it easy...and once he's safely out of earshot, Kimberly murmurs to Jo, "So far, so good."

"We've suddenly become BFFs and are picnicking together in Santa Barbara."

"Seems plausible."

Amanda drops by Bruce's lavish home, and he cheerily tells her he has good news: he has a handshake deal with a huge advertising firm, Banfield & Lee, to merge with D&D. He explains that D&D will remain intact and function as a subdivision of its new parent company, and that he'll be on the board of directors of Banfield & Lee. He excitedly tells Amanda he's soooooo happy that things have worked out this well, thanks her for her hard work, and promises to see to it that she gets a large raise. Amanda thanks him, then beats a hasty retreat to her car and uses her car phone to place an emergency call to Peter. 

At the beach house, Kimberly introduces Jo to her housekeeper Maria and assures Jo that Maria can be trusted to keep mum (no pun intended) about Operation Pretend Jo's Baby is Stillborn. When Kimberly announces that she's ready to induce labor, Jo worriedly wrings her hands about something going wrong - but Kimberly assures her it'll go fine, then holds up an ominous looking needle. Eeeek!

In the Melrose Place courtyard, Jane and Chris are on their way out to dinner when they run into Jake and Sydney. Chris gleefully tells Jake, "You'll be glad to know that Sydney and I kissed and made up...and we did it just for you." When Jake asks Sydney what in blazes that's supposed to mean, she breezily mutters that she has no clue.

Jo is in what looks like a traditionally agonizing labor...and once the baby pops out, Kimberly chirps, "It's a boy! A handsome baby boy!" She allows Jo to hold him for a few seconds, then takes him back and says they need to rush him to the hospital asap. As she hands the tot to Maria so that she can give him a quick bath, Jo stares after them worriedly (as well she should).

At the hospital, Kimberly enters the staff computer room to pretend to do some follow up work. She logs onto the morgue records and changes Cortez to Reynolds in the hospital's Cremate Stillborn Babies database.

Kimberly is breaking the faux bad news about Jo's stillborn son to Jane, Jake, and Amanda. She tells the wild tale about how, while en route to L.A. from Santa Barbara, Jo went into labor, and that she (Kimberly) delivered the child, which was unfortunately not born alive.

Jane calls Chris, gets his answering machine, and leaves a message telling him she's confused 'cause she thought he was meeting up with her at the studio this afternoon. She then babbles about her exciting plans to use the 500K to put a new clothing line into production. 

Over at Melrose Place, Chris places a velvet jewelry box on Sydney's doorstep, then knocks and hides around the corner. When Sydney answers the door, Chris reappears and commands her to open his gift...and when she dismissively tells him she doesn't want anything from him, he reminds her that Jake could still be beaten to a bloody pulp if she dares offend him. Sydney reluctantly opens the jewelry box, glances down at the expensive diamond earrings inside, and says she'll likely sell them and donate the cash to the needy...to which Chris cattily snarks, "And here I thought that all your charity was given from the waist down." 

Alison summons Billy to Shooters so that she can tell him about her epiphany: she now realizes she made a mistake breaking up with him, needs him in her life, and wants them to resume their romantic relationship asap. Billy says that while he's happy to help her out as a friend, he has no interest in them getting back together 'cause he's now in love with Susan (despite there being zero chemistry there). Alison shoots him the stink-eye and bitterly calls Susan "Queen of the Boyfriend Snatchers" and resumes guzzling what she claims is a glass of soda.

"I can't seem to quit you."

"Then you're not trying nearly hard enough, given that I'm a vapid bonehead who hit the sheets with your best friend."

Kimberly returns to the beach house, takes the baby from Maria, and dismisses her for the day. She then settles into a rocking chair and unbuttons her blouse as though her milk-less breasts were capable of feeding the hungry tot. When the infant looks visibly disappointed by the non meal, Kimberly coos, "Mommy's here" with a freakishly demonic look on her face.

Zack drops by Alison's place to tell her he got her car fixed...and to apologize for bailing on her when she was being hauled off to jail. When she makes it clear that she's not looking for a fair-weather relationship, he admits he blew it, assures her it won't happen again, and leans in for a contrite smooch.

Over at the hospital, the Carters' lawyer is questioning Kimberly and Jo about the "stillborn" baby...and Kimberly gives her faux account of the baby's delivery in her car and assures him he'll find that all of the hospital paperwork is in order. Jo corroborates the tale and makes it clear that she wants no further contact with the Carters. The lawyer expresses his condolences and heads out...and once he's out of hearing range, Jo and Kimberly cackle about their cleverness in fooling him.
 
Downtown, Alison is sentenced to a year's probabation and counselling for her booze guzzling problem. She lets out a relieved sigh and thanks her lawyer before Zack gives her a congratulatory hug.

Jane has been summoned to the bank and is told that the account in which she assumed Chris deposited the 500K check has a balance of zero...and that all the checks she's been writing to vendors have been bouncing. When Jane tells the banker it must be some kind of error, he grimly informs her that Chris didn't deposit the 500K check - he cashed it. Oops.

"Your boyfriend made off with all your money."

"But he seemed so unconvincingly trustworthy."

Chris is in the back of a black limo, which pulls up next to Sydney as she's ambling down the street. He violently pulls her into the back seat of the car, happily notices that she's wearing the diamond earrings he bought for her, and starts to get very grab-handsy.

Amanda barges into Bruce's office and demands to know whassup with him being incommunicado all day. Bruce reacts by staring despondently into space as he tells her that Banfield & Lee pulled out of the proposed merger 'cause some blabbermouth leaked information about the deal, which negatively impacted the company's stock prices. He proceeds to point out that since only three people knew about the deal, he's correctly deducing that she had to have been the leak. Amanda half-heartedly denies doing any such thing - but he angrily tells her she's fired, then snarls, "I hope I never have to see your traitorous face again as long as I live."

Jake stops by Jane's apartment to ask her if she's seen Sydney...then explains that she didn't show up for her shift at Shooters. Jane says she has no idea...then pauses as she looks as if a lightbulb has just gone off inside her head. She mutters, "Oh God", and tells Jake that they've both been had by Sydney and Chris, who absconded with her 500K advance.

When Jo arrives at the beach house to pick up her baby, Kimberly just stares at her with cold blankness and pretends she knows nothing of Operation Pretend Jo's Baby is Stillborn and clucks, "You poor thing.." about having just lost her child. When Jo demands to have her baby, Kimberly reminds her that he was stillborn, and that she has the death certificate to prove it. She then shuts the door, leaving Jo screechingly demanding that she open up and hand over her not dead child. 

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