Melrose Place - Season 2, Episode 9

"I figured that a roomful of flowers would smooth over the pain of my infidelity."

"Married To It"
Original airdate: 11/3/1993

Episode summary: Matt and Katya do their best to convince an INS agent that their marriage is a happy, hetero union. Kimberly catches Michael in bed with Sydney.

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Recap: The camera pans across Jane's living room, where Jane's and Robert's clothes are sexily strewn about while they go at it atop the couch. Robert asks if he can stay the night, and she tells him she's up for that...and leaps onto him and wraps her legs around him so he's forced to physically transport her to the bedroom. A few seconds later, Sydney knocks on the door and begs Jane to pleeeeeeease answer, so Jane pauses her foreplay action with Robert to tell Sydney it's a bad time and that [if it's absolutely necessary] they can talk in the morning. She then slams the door in her sister's face so that she and Robert can continue enjoying their sexy time. 

Over at the beach house, Michael and Kimberly are going at it in bed when Sydney calls to giddily report to Michael that she just got a waitressing job at Shooters. She suggests he stop by during her lunch shift tomorrow , after which they could head over to her place for another romp. Michael grunts one word answers in response for Kimberly's benefit - but when he hangs up, an irate Kimberly tells him it's weird that Sydney calls him, and that he needs to end "this little friendship".

Matt is at an art exhibition when an attractive gay man approaches him to discuss the painting he's been gazing at. He introduces himself as Joel Walker, owner of the gallery, and says he's seen him at the gym. Mmm hmm.. Katya [fuuuuuuuck] appears out of nowhere to cock-blockingly gush about the art on display, then introduces herself to Joel as Matt's wife...and a confused Joel's all, "Er, OK..?" before ambling off. Matt chides Katya for scaring off a promising romantic prospect, and Katya smirkingly apologizes and says she had no way of knowing that Joel was trying to pick him up. The two bicker back and forth, blah blah, before Katya points out that he can always return to the gallery tomorrow and explain the wife-beard situation to Joel.

"Nice to meet you, Matt. Wanna go out sometime?"

"Got room for a wife-beard to tag along?"

Jo is gabbling excitedly at Alison and Billy about her date with "perfect" Steve, during which they sat and talked for hours and hours. Alison grits her teeth as she says it looks like this budding romance is "really turning into something", then contorts her face into an expression of irate jealousy.

Sydney drops by Jane's apartment to inform her that she's now employed at Shooters. Robert emerges from the bedroom and gushes about how great that is and invites her to join him, Jane, and his parents for dinner this weekend. Sydney glances over at Jane, who somehow refrains from shrieking, "Noooooooooo!!", and wisely says she can't make it 'cause she's scheduled to work.  

Matt stops in at the gallery to confirm to Joel that he's gay, eager to mingle, and faux married to a woman who's avoiding deportation to Russia. Joel beams and invites him to the theater on Saturday night, and Matt happily accepts. 

Katya tells Matt she got a call from an INS agent who plans to conduct a home visit on Sunday...and Matt's all, "Wha-a-a?" and reluctantly agrees that she and Nikki will have to move into his apartment to pretend they've been living together as a happy heterosexual couple since their sham wedding.

Michael is drinking a beer on the deck of his beach house when Sydney flounces over. Michael's all, "Ugh" and tells her that their icky hookup is over, but an unfazed Sydney says she somehow knows that Kimberly is working an all-night shift at the hospital and asks him if he's in love with her. He shrugs and replies, "We're together" as Sydney strips off her dress and eagerly says she's willing to do anything he wants. Michael perks up at the sight of her bared naughties...and in the next scene, the two are going at it in his bed. Sydney breathily declares, "I love you" and asks if he loves her, and he grunts in the affirmative - just as Kimberly - ack! - arrives home from work earlier than expected. When she hears giggly sex noises coming from the bedroom, she braces herself before flinging the door open and getting an eyeful of a naked Sydney mounted atop Michael. Sydney openly grins as Kimberly snaps, "Michael!" before whirling around to flee the room, and he's all, "OMG!" and springs out of the bed to run after her. She slaps him hard across the face, shrieks, "You bastard!", and storms out the door.

"Hi Kimberly. This is exactly what it looks like."

"I'm shocked, appalled, but somehow not overly surprised."

Kimberly stops by Jane's apartment to tattle on Michael for doinking Sydney in their bed, then declares that she and Michael are Splitsville. Jane says she couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses about the status of their relationship, and also expresses skepticism that Sydney would actually jump into bed with her ex-brother-in-law. Kimberly assures her it's the grisly truth, given what a sick fuck Michael has turned out to be, then says that she (Kimberly) did her (Jane) a HUGE favor by wrecking their marriage in Season 1. No argument there.

Jane storms over to Shooters, where a frazzled Sydney is serving the lunch crowd. Jane pulls her aside and asks her if it's true that she hit the sheets with Michael, and Sydney responds by staring back at her mutely. Jane's like, "OMG" as Sydney fibs about Michael not leaving her alone and says that when she told him about her new waitressing job, he practically raped her. Jane asks if that's actually what happened, and Sydney back pedals and cries, "I dunno!" and whines that no one else was paying any attention to her when she simply "wanted to be wanted". Jane snarls, "You little bitch", disowns her as her sister, and stalks off. 

"Did Michael really rape you?"

"If by rape you mean that we were enjoying a consensual romp when Kimberly caught us together, then yes Michael raped me."

Moving day! Katya and Nikki move their things into Matt's apartment...and when Amanda wanders over to ask Matt whassup, he explains that an INS agent will be conducting a home visit to verify that he and Katya live together, then asks if she'd mind vouching for them. Amanda's like, "I would, actually" and says she'd rather not supply false information to a government agent - which really isn't an unreasonable response - and a miffed Matt decides it's probably better if she steers clear of the INS agent. Katya, meanwhile, unpacks her things and tells Matt they should go over the finer details of their faux courtship so that they can keep their stories straight while being questioned.

Michael races after Kimberly in the halls of the hospital to offer a lame explanation of why he hit the sheets with Sydney, but Kimberly snarls at him not to touch her, and declares them through. Michael whines that Sydney was the one who came onto him and that he now feels disgusting, and Kimberly snappishly tells him he should 'cause of what a wretched pig he is...then orders him to be the hell out of her beach house by the time she gets off work.

Joel arrives at Matt's apartment to pick him up for their theater date, and Matt introduces him to Katya and Nikki, who's now sick with a fever. Joel tells Matt he's surprised to see that his wife-beard actually lives with him, but Matt breezily tells him it's a temporary, INS-related arrangement.

Jane stops by Amanda's apartment to demand that she evict Sydney after the skank did an awful thing she's not willing to elaborate on. Amanda says she can't evict someone who's been paying rent and has a co-signer for the lease...and Jane correctly assumes that Michael is the co-signer and storms out.

During intermission at the theater, Matt is on the pay phone with Katya, checking up on Nikki and telling her where he keeps his aspirin. Joel ambles over once Matt hangs up, says it's pretty clear he's too distracted to enjoy the show, and offers to take him home. Matt agrees that that's probably best. 

Kimberly arrives home and finds Michael eating dinner while watching TV. She stares at him incredulously and reminds him that he was supposed to pack up his shit and get the hell out of her house, but Michael says he decided 'fuck that' and accuses her of blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Kimberly shuts off the TV and yells, "Get out!" - but he says he's tired of his scorned women kicking him out of their home and is refusing to leave. Kimberly's like, "Fine!", throws a few of her things into a bag, says she'll pick up the rest of her stuff later, and storms out.

Jane tells Robert that Michael and Kimberly have split 'cause she caught him doinking Sydney...and as he processes that disturbing visual, Jane sobs in his arms and calls the entire situation sick. That it is, Jane. That it is.

Kimberly enters the hospital's staff lounge and finds it filled with flower bouquets, along with a 'please forgive me, I love you' note from Michael. As she stares contemplatively at the flowers, Michael appears behind her and tells her he cleaned out four florists in order to create this floral spectacle, and she snarls, "Something stinks in here, and it isn't the flowers" before crumpling up his note and throwing it onto the floor. 

The INS agent is conducting an awkward home visit with Matt and Katya. The two manage to stick to their story about meeting in the hospital's cafeteria line and falling in love in time for him to marry her days before her scheduled return to Russia. When Nikki unexpectedly ambles into the room, the agent asks her if she misses Russia, and she tells him she misses her grandmother and likes her house better than Matt's shitty little apartment. He asks her if she likes Matt...and when she says she likes him a lot, the agent shoots Katya the stink-eye and snaps, "Did you mom tell you to say that?" Matt and Katya exchange worried glances that the jig might be up, but the agent drops the issue and abruptly announces that he needs to get going.

"Your mommy and Matt seem like a happy, hetero couple."

"Wow. Your gaydar must really be off."

Jane and Robert are having dinner with Robert's parents when Michael suddenly pounds on the apartment door, demanding to talk to his ex-wife. When Robert opens the door, Michael shoves his way inside, glares at Jane, and snarls, "Please keep your slut sister out of my life!" Robert responds by grabbing and physically throwing him out of the apartment while his poor parents look on in horror.

Matt drops by the gallery to apologize to Joel for bailing out early the other night and to assure him he's very very interested in developing a budding romance. Joel tells Matt he's worried his life is too complicated right now, but Matt insists it really isn't and explains that Katya only became his wife-beard so she can legally stay in the U.S.

Later, Robert tell Jane that his father admonished him for getting himself tangled up with a divorced woman and her deranged ex, but that his reaction was, "To hell with you!" before explaining to his well-meaning pops he truly believes he found someone special. He then suggests to Jane they serve Michael with a restraining order, and Jane says she definitely likes the sound of that idea.

Katya tells Matt she heard back from the INS agent and is happy to report that he somehow believes that their marriage is on the up and up. Matt sourly replies, "That's nice. But I doubt Joel will want to date me anymore", and Katya scrunches her face concernedly and points out that from now on he has two people in his life - Nikki and herself - who will always love and care for him...and a still-sour Matt's all, "Yeah? Big whoop."

At D&D, Alison and Amanda are discussing various campaign ideas with Steve that include Jo's photography. Steve says that while he loves the photos and likes Jo, "she's no Alison, but what can you do?" Jo arrives a few seconds later to go to lunch with Steve...and once the two are out of earshot, Amanda tells Alison it's obvious to anyone with eyes that Steve has a hopeless crush on her, and that she doesn't seem to mind. Alison just shakes her head unconvincingly and half-heartedly denies that that's true.   

Michael is paged to the hospital's reception area and finds Sydney waiting for him. She points out that since his relationship with Kimberly has fallen apart they no longer have to hide their unholy coupling, then coos, "I want to beeeeee there for you!" Michael stares back at her incredulously and tells her she was nothing more than a slutty diversion to him, and that after several romps, he really just wishes she'd get lost. Sydney contorts her face into a hurt expression and moans, "I love you", and he coldly replies, "That's your problem, isn't it?" and stalks off. Ouch.

"I love you, Michael."

"I loathe you too, Sydney."

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