Recap: Donna and Clare are in their kitchen, talking about how they've barely seen Kelly during the past few weeks. Clare says she can't ever get a hold of her at Colin's place, and suspects Colin of snorting the white stuff and dragging Kelly down with him. Donna insists that Kelly would never touch that stuff - which, I agree, is totally out of character for her, but this is what the writers have come up with for Season 6, so I guess we have no choice but to buy the fact that she's suddenly become a hopeless, hapless druggie.
Colin's loft. Kelly and Colin are in bed, just starting to stir...and there are remnants of coke on the night stand. Kelly moans that she's too tired to go to class, so Colin gives her a tiny hit of coke to give her a morning energy boost. Kelly slips into her annoying baby talk mode and coos, "Just don't make me go to school today" and Colin replies, "I wouldn't think of it" and the two start smooching.
On the other end of the health spectrum, Brandon and Susan are out enjoying a morning jog. They come upon an accident where an EMS crew is handling the wounded (or dead), and Susan suddenly goes into zombie mode and stares at the ambulance with a stricken look on her face. She has a black and white flashback of the fateful day her sister got killed by a car while they were out jogging together. Brandon notices her ashen face and asks her whassup, so she tells him about her older sister, Catherine, who was killed in a hit and run accident when she was twenty-two. She tells him that Catherine was super smart and awesome...and everything she does in her life is an effort to try to live up to her sainted sibling.
Clare pulls up in the Peach Pit alley in her new shiny red car, and brags to Steve and Nat that daddy bought it for her as a reward for making the dean's list. Steve derisively calls it a Barbie-mobile and says it's nowhere near as powerful as his Corvette, so Clare challenges him to a street race. Steve's game, and so the two idiots race each other on a major roadway in broad daylight...and naturally they get pulled over by a cop, who tickets them for speeding. Clare cheekily asks the cop which of them was driving faster, and he says she was. She shoots a smug grin at Steve, proving she's the bigger moron of the two.
Colin's loft. Colin suggests to Kelly that they spend the day shopping for presents for her friends, and she likes that idea and says they can use the cash that her dad gave her before he skipped town. He says he just wants to have fun all day long, and suggests hiring a limo to drive them around. She agrees that that's a great idea 'cause neither of them is in any condition to be operating a motor vehicle. She slips into her stupid baby talk again and tells Colin they should doink in between purchases! He asks her which she likes better, sex or shopping, and she giggles and replies, "I'll have to get back to you on that." Valerie drops by to inform Colin that some fancy art collector heard about his grisly mural in the After Dark and wants to see more of his "work". OMFG, seriously? She then notices a wad of tightly rolled up bills on the table, raises her eyebrows suspiciously and asks, "Having fun?" Kelly pretends she's never seen the rolled up bills before and ask Colin what that is, and he says it must be leftover from the holidays. Valerie clearly doesn't buy that, but wishes them both a nice day and leaves. Colin furrows his brows worriedly after that exchange, but Kelly tells him she doesn't really give a rat's ass if Valerie thinks they're doing drugs.
The Peach Pit. Donna asks her dad how it's possible for two doctors to come up with two such different diagnoses after looking at Joe's EKG. Papa Martin explains that medicine can often be very subjective, but recommends that Joe see a third doctor to break the tie. Papa Martin rushes off just as Brandon arrives with Susan...and for some reason Donna blabs to Brandon about Joe's possible health issues. Brandon tells her to let him know if there's anything he can do, then looks contemplative as he wonders whether or not he should exploit Joe's health problems by writing a story about his defective heart in The Condor.
California University. Steve asks David if he can get his buddy, the speed ticket fixer, to make his ticket disappear...and whines that he can't afford for his insurance rates to go up. Maybe you should have thought about that before you went street racing, idiot. David says his buddy got busted, and suggests to Steve and Clare that they go to traffic school. Steve joins Clare at one of the tables and blames her for challenging him to race, but she's still all smug about driving faster than him. David stares, dumbfounded, at his two idiot friends and tells them they're in a class by themselves.
Limo. Kelly and Colin are sipping champagne as their limo driver chauffeurs them around town. Colin remarks that he's hardly ever been in a limo, while Kelly says she's been in lots of them. However, she's never had sex in one, and Colin looks intrigued and raises the glass partition between them and the driver so the poor sod isn't subjected to the disturbing spectacle of them bumping uglies in the back seat.
The Walsh house. It's dinner time when Kelly and Colin burst in unannounced and hand out presents to everyone. About two seconds later, they shout their goodbyes and scamper out of the house...and Valerie remarks on how completely bizarre that was. No one else seems bothered by Kelly's manic behavior - but then, they're too busy excitedly unwrapping their presents. LOL. Valerie says it's pretty obvious that Kelly's snorting coke with Colin, but everyone just stares at her blankly and disbelievingly...including Clare, who scrunches her doll like face in confusion and goes, "Really?" Um, didn't she say the very same thing to Donna, like that morning? Everyone thinks it's too out of character for Kelly to do drugs, especially considering Jackie's long history of drug abuse and Dylan's intervention. Valerie tries again to convince everyone that Kelly's a druggie, but once again her words fall on deaf ears.
Restaurant. Kelly and Colin order fancy dinners for themselves, but Kelly realizes she's not very hungry. Colin asks her where the stash is, and she gleefully retorts she snorted it all. He looks at her, stunned, but she breezily tells him they just need to buy some more. He says he can't do that, 'cause apparently his main coke supplier is all tapped out. A few seconds later, the two leave the restaurant after barely touching their food and head off in search of more drugs.
Dorm. Joe is doing push-ups in his room when Brandon comes over to follow up on a recent press release that mentions Joe's swollen ankle...but nothing about his heart. Brandon fishes around for intel and asks him if anything else is wrong with him, then reveals that Donna blabbed to him about his heart problems. Joe irritably replies that she had no business telling him about that and insists he's fine. He then tells Brandon about a rock climbing accident he had years ago, and the doctors all told him he'd never walk again...but he refused to listen to them and, of course, regained his ability to walk. He asks Brandon if his heart problems are going to be in the next issue of The Condor, but Brandon assures him it's off the record.
Limo. Colin's standing at a magazine stand, trying to score some blow with an untested drug dealer. The two cross the street together, and the guy tells Colin to wait for a few minutes. He returns after a little awhile with some stuff...and Colin hustles back to the limo. Kelly's anxious to snort it up right away, but Colin is antsy about the bad neighborhood and says they should go back to his loft and snort it there.
The Walsh house. Valerie and David are in bed together, and Valerie's still troubled by Kelly's suspected drug use. She tells David he's blind, and that it's weird considering he's been down the druggie road himself. Right?? She then points out that Kelly bought her a present, which she'd never do if she weren't completely high. Fair point. David asks her what he should do, and she's like, "I dunno", but tells him he's her brother, so he should probably do, like, something.
Colin's loft. Kelly makes a blech face and tells Colin that the new batch o' blow tastes weird. She wails, "I'm not getting a buzz at all!" LOL. Colin says they got ripped off, and that he has no idea what this stuff is, but it definitely ain't coke. Haha...it's probably baking soda or powdered sugar. Kelly gets irked with Colin for not testing the drugs before he handed over the $60, so he speed dials his regular dealer and tells him he has a code red emergency and will pay double for some high quality blow. I guess the dealer agrees, 'cause Colin immediately rushes out of the apartment to go pick it up, and Kelly fidgets nervously as she awaits his return.
Brandon and Susan are outside, stretching their muscles before another run. He tells her that Donna recently blabbed to him about how there may be something wrong with Joe's heart, but that it's strictly off the record. Susan, of course, wants to write about it in The Condor, but Brandon sternly tells her it's not an option.
Traffic school. Steve and Clare are in a classroom with other traffic offenders, and for some reason the instructor is doing a stand-up comic schtick to entertain the group. Steve and Clare start bickering again, and when the instructor asks them if they fight in bed, everyone laughs. It's a real toss-up which couple has become more unwatchable: a) Steve and Clare, or b) Brandon and Susan.
The Walsh house. Valerie gives Brandon the gift that Kelly bought for him. He looks puzzled as he unwraps it, and is even more puzzled when he sees that it's a Montblanc pen (retail value: $600). Valerie tells him that she thinks Kelly's doing drugs, but when Brandon expresses skepticism 'bout that, Valerie snarks at him for refusing to believe that Kelly could be anything less than Little Miss Perfect. After she flounces out of the kitchen, Brandon stares down at his pen and looks contemplative.
Colin's loft. Colin is working on yet another masterpiece while Kelly lounges around restlessly and complains that she's too wired to fall asleep. The phone rings, but Colin refuses to answer it, so the two listen to Brandon's message for Kelly, asking her why she bought him such an expensive pen and to please call him back. Kelly announces that she's going home to sleep in her own bed, and Colin gives her some downers and explains, "Makes for a softer landing." Thanks, Elvis.
Traffic school. The class is now being forced to watch a video on the dangers of reckless driving...and Steve is still bitching at Clare for challenging him to a race. The instructor turns off the video and sternly tells the class that speeding is no laughing matter (unlike her earlier comedy routine), then announces that they'll take a short break. The guy sitting behind Steve and Clare makes a call on his cell phone and tells whoever it is that they need a couple for an upcoming taping. Turns out he's a producer of a local show called Back Talk. He looks over at Steve and Clare, leans forward and calls them "dynamite", then asks them if they'd like to tape a segment of the show. The topic du jour is Couples Who Fight All the Time. Steve is intrigued, while Clare looks disinterested...and the guy declares that they'd be perfect.
California University. Susan tells Donna she heard from the athletic department (liar liar, pants on fire) that Joe might have a defective heart. Donna tells her it's true and says she's worried 'cause Joe's been pushing himself really hard lately. Susan asks her what the diagnosis was, and Donna scrunches her face suspiciously and says she thought Susan just said she spoke to the athletic department. She asks Susan if she's planning to write a story about it in the school paper, and Susan says she doesn't know yet, then beats a hasty retreat when she sees Joe making his way over. He warns Donna not to talk to any school reporters, and Donna says they're her friends and that she wants them to write the story, since maybe it'll knock some sense into him. Joe warns her that if anyone thinks he has a heart problem, he'll be considered damaged goods and it could ruin his football career. Donna says she's less concerned with his football career than the risk of him dropping dead from a heart attack.
Colin's loft. Colin is working on his latest craptastic painting when David drops by. He him asks where Kelly is, and Colin tells him she took off a while ago. David comes right out and asks him if he's sharing his drugs with her, and Colin gets all defensive and says he knows that Valerie told him that, and she's waaay off base. David gives him the stink-eye and says he knows how to tell when someone is using, then threatens him with a severe ass-kicking if he finds out he's been giving drugs to his sister. You go, David!
The Condor newsroom. Susan is on the phone with someone in Papa Martin's office when Brandon enters the newsroom and hangs up the phone on her. He reminds her that the stuff he told her about Joe was off the record, so she explains that she's been interviewing people other than Joe and Donna. She suggests that the story could be about how the athletic department doctor is giving out bad diagnoses to football quarterbacks in order to win games at any cost. An un-appeased Brandon accuses her of wanting to get the story at any cost and orders her to drop it. Please do. The Brandon/Susan part of this subplot is duller than dishwater.
After Dark. Colin storms into the club and snarks at Valerie for siccing her boyfriend on him about his and Kelly's alleged drug use. She pretends to not know what he's talking about and says that David must have figured it out all by himself. Colin snarls at her to stay out of his life, and wags his finger in her face. She snarls back that he wouldn't have any friends if Kelly weren't in his life, and reminds him that they care about her, not him. Only she (Valerie) actually cares about him. He calms down as he mulls that over for a few seconds, then orders Valerie to keep Kelly's friends off of his back.
Back Talk taping. Clare whines that she really doesn't want to be there and starts bickering with Steve again. They've just discovered that Back Talk is a local show, and Steve is bummed that he won't get national coverage while making a complete ass of himself on stage. Once the camera starts rolling, Steve once again blames Clare for initiating the car race, then suddenly backpedals and says it was a dumbass, dangerous thing to do, and that he'd never forgive himself if anything bad ever happened to her cute little brain. They kiss and make up, and the audience is all, "Awww!" but then Clare takes offence at the "cute little brain" remark and the two start fighting again. Someone please make these two go away.
Beach house. Donna is surprised to see that Kelly is home, and starts gabbling to her about Joe and his heart problems - but Kelly's too zonked from cocaine/downers and says she can't talk 'cause she has to go back to bed. Donna looks disappointed, then contemplative as she watches Kelly stagger down the hall to her bedroom.
Stadium. Brandon's sitting on the bleachers while Joe maniacally runs up and down the steps. Susan tells Brandon she wrote the story he forbade her to write, says it's the greatest work she's ever done, then rips it up. She decided she doesn't want to hurt Joe or compromise his football career, and says there's always another story to write. Brandon says he appreciates that and assures her that Joe will too. Donna, meanwhile, stops by to apologize to Joe for blabbing to everyone about his defective heart. She says it's his life, body, and decision. He instantly forgives her, tells her he loves her, and offers to take her out to dinner after he's done his workout. She agrees and happily scampers off, and Joe resumes running up the steps...but then suddenly he stops running and looks dizzy as he clutches his chest. Eeek!