Recap: Jason and Lauren are hanging at a patio restaurant, engaged in their usual banal chit-chat, when he suddenly informs her that he really really wants her to meet his girlfriend and future roommate, Katja. As he murmurs, "She's so cool", a stunned looking Lauren shakes her head in dismay and looks less than thrilled at the prospect of meeting her ex's new plus one...but when he asks her if she'd like to come to his housewarming party to meet his beloved, she amiably tells him she'd loooooove to. The next day at Hillside Villas, Lauren reports to Audrina that..
Over at Teen Vogue, Lisa Love is giving Whitney some last minute instructions regarding the upcoming photoshoot with the band, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. She warns that it's a huge shoot, that bands - even the ones no one's heard of yet - are notoriously difficult to deal with, and that if anything goes wrong, it's her ass. Lisa advises her to take Lauren along to help out with the grunt work, then emphasizes that as a paid Fashion Contributor, she's responsible for whatever problems may arise, and to ensure that everyone associated with the shoot behaves according to the Teen Vogue rules of order. Whitney does her best to not look daunted by the pressure that's being put upon her and assures Lisa that she's totally up to the task (sort of). Heidi takes Jen with her to a bridal shop to look at wedding gowns. She tries on a fairly plain looking one, and Jen coos about how pretty she looks - but then asks if she really, absolutely, 100% thinks that marrying a bonehead like Spencer when they're both in their early twenties is truly the wisest decision she could be making. She adds that she finds the notion of marriage at this age scary 'cause of how easy it is for twentysomethings to fall out of love - but Heidi explains that she's of a completely different frame of mind and can't picture her life without Spencer on account of him being her soulmate and all. Jen's like, "Uh huh" and continues to insist that marriage is scary, as was evidenced when her good friend recently broke up with her boyfriend of five years. Whitney and Lauren arrive at the Magic Castle Hotel for a preliminary jean fitting with the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus band members. They ask for their sizes and hand out the pairs of jeans...and one of the band members, Elias Reidy, proudly boasts that he wears a ladies size 8. As that weird revelation just kind of hangs there like a lead balloon, the other band members ask the gals what they're doing tonight, and they all decide they should hang out together at a local dive bar. On their way back to the car, Whitney tells Lauren she hopes this doesn't prove to be a bad idea...'cause what could go wrong with them binge-drinking with the band the night before what Lisa had sternly reminded her was a "huge" Teen Vogue photoshoot? Lauren, Whitney, and Audrina arrive at the Dime later that evening and meet up with Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. When the guys order a round of shots, Whitney half-heartedly reminds them that they have a photoshoot early in the morning and doesn't think that getting recklessly hammered is such a good idea - but when the shots arrive, she chirps, "I hope I don't get wasted!" and throws one back. LOL. One of the band members asks Whitney where they're clubbing after this, and she says the prudent thing to do would be for all of them to retire early so that they'll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the photoshoot - but he's just like, "Nah, we're definitely partying all night long" and tells The Hills gals they're more than welcome to join their drunkfest. The next morning at Hillside Villas, a hungover Lauren staggers into the living room and tells Audrina she's worried that Whitney might get into trouble if the band is too hungover from all of the drunken partying (that she and Whitney fully enabled) to show up at the photoshoot on time. She then changes the subject to Jason's housewarming party and says it's going to be awkward to meet Katja, but that she'll do her best to be as pleasant as possible to her...and Audrina remarks again that she can't believe Jason and his brand new girlfriend are actually moving in together. Photoshoot! As a bleary-eyed Lauren does her best to not throw up, Whitney hopes to hell she doesn't get blowback for keeping the band out so late...and when the stylist remarks on how they haven't arrived yet, she (Whitney) wonders if maybe they had car trouble. When they finally do arrive, she brings over their wardrobe items - but Elias Reidy digs in about his strong preference for his size 8 ladies pants, and Whitney paces around while looking hopeless to convince him otherwise [even though he apparently wasn't as big of a dick off-camera about wearing the Teen Vogue-mandated jeans]. Later, Whitney laments to Lauren about how Lisa Love is surely going to chastise her for how shittily she's running this shoot, and mimics Lisa declaring that she has no future in the fashion industry. As part of wedding planning, Heidi and Spencer stop in at a housewares store to register. While Heidi scans various plates and glassware, Spencer looks visibly bored and says he finds it weird to ask their friends to buy them the kind of kitchen stuff they already have. Fair point. Housewarming party! Lauren and Audrina arrive, hug Jason hello, and are introduced to his girlfriend Katja. Jason brazenly smooches Katja for several minutes before bounding back over to Lauren and asking her if she's OK. She assures him she is, and is sipping from a red cup of beer when two of Jason's guests yell at everyone to shut the fuck up so they can announce the exciting news: Jason and Katja have just gotten engaged! As everyone woots happily, Lauren gives Audrina a the fuck? look as she raises her plastic cup of beer as a toast before snarling, "Is it bad that I really want to leave?" ... and the MTV camera crew's like, "Nice try, but after this announcement we're gonna need footage that documents your shocked and dismayed reaction." Lauren goes outside for some air, and Jason follows her and asks whassup with her gloomy aura and says, "I know you don't like her" ... which was entirely nonsensical, given that Lauren's known Katja for all of five minutes. Lauren comes right out and tells him she strongly feels he's an idiot, in this case for wanting to get married at such a ridiculously young age, and adds that she just can't bring herself to be happy for him. A few seconds later, Katja wanders over, asks Jason, "Having fun baby?", and stands between him and Lauren, who looks more desperate than ever to flee this keg housewarming-turned-engagement party. The next morning at Teen Vogue, Lisa Love asks Whitney how the photoshoot went, and specifically asks why the band showed up so late. Whitney admits that she, her pals, and the MTV camera crew had gone out with the band the night before in an effort to get to know them and make them feel comfortable while in L.A. ... then pretends to be clueless about any possible connection between the binge-drinking they all indulged in until the wee hours of the morning and the band's tardiness on the day of the shoot. Lisa chides her for socializing with the band, says "That's beyond your job", and makes it clear that Teen Vogue frowns on that sort of thing. She brusquely adds, "I just want respect on every shoot that we do" and points out that it's kinda hard for the band to respect them if they've been out clubbing the night before. A chastened Whitney apologizes for the misstep, and Lisa tells her she's gonna need to "step it up" and get it through her thick skull that anytime anything ever goes wrong on a photoshoot it's solely her responsibility. While dining on the patio of a restaurant, Heidi brings up the topic of wedding planning to Spencer, and he agrees that they "need to look at some calendars" - even though just one would suffice - then suggests that a Tibet wedding might be kewl. Heidi makes a face and says she doesn't want that, and would prefer something more local that includes all the basic traditions: registering at an expensive store, wearing a frothy overpriced gown, and exchanging vows inside a fancy church. She asks him what his parents would think about not being present at their Tibetan wedding, and Spencer admits that he hasn't actually mentioned their impending nuptials to either of his parents. A dismayed Heidi asks him why not and suggests he's embarrassed...and he's like, "Why would I be embarrassed?" - but doesn't explain anything further as the two spend the last few seconds of this scene mutely staring at each other. While grabbing a bite after work, Whitney tells Lauren she just got an ass-whooping by Lisa Love, and that she's going to have to do a much better job at the next photoshoot. She then notices Lauren's dazed demeanour and asks her whassup, so Lauren tells her that Jason just got engaged to his new girlfriend at a keg party, which was really hard to take seriously...and that she'd be sooooo depressed if this was the sad story of her engagement. She points out that Jason shouldn't even really be dating anyone 'cause he's still in the process of being rehabbed, then worries about what'll happen if this relationship falls apart and someone has to help pick up the pieces. Whitney urges her to let him do that for himself, 'cause 1) he's a grown-ass man who stupidly leaped into this thing head-first and should just suck up the consequences, and 2) it ain't Lauren's job to pick up the pieces of any of her ex-boyfriend's lives. Lauren concurs, then says it's clear that she really dodged a bullet when she dumped Jason after Season 1...and realizes that if she hadn't, she might be the one who just celebrated her engagement at a keg housewarming-turned-engagement party. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
0 Comments
Recap: Audrina returns to Hillside Villas after a weekend trip with Justin. She happily reports to Lauren that she and the disheveled oaf had lots of good talks and fooled around...and when [a nauseated] Lauren asks where they stand, Audrina says she's somehow under the impression that Justin is newly committed to being in a non-platonic relationship with her. Lauren pretends to be happy for her and scrunches her eyes shut while shrieking, "Audrina has a boyfriend!" She then tells Audrina that she had coffee with Jason yesterday, and Audrina exclaims, "I can't believe he's back in your life." Spencer is reading the paper while Heidi gets ready to start her new job as Bolthouse's Pretend Events Director. She says that while Elodie isn't thrilled about being passed over for the promotion, she appears to have accepted that it's just business. The two then kiss and hug goodbye, and Heidi promises to give him a call to let him know how her first day is going. Over at Teen Vogue, Lisa Love is leading a planning meeting for the upcoming Young Hollywood party. She tells Whitney et. al. that Amy Astley wants to showcase Marc Jacobs' fashions during the party, and that the guest list needs to be double what it was last year. The first task on the to do list is to find two suitable venues to present to Amy, and Whitney says she's on the case. Heidi settles into her fancy new office at Bolthouse and gets an update from intern Lacey about the various messages she's received thus far. When they all seem to be from random, non-Bolthouse people Heidi has never heard of, she clarifies to Lacey that the only calls that can be put through without any kind of vetting are from Spencer, Jen, and Brent...given that he's the one who installed her in this faux position. Lauren and Whitney are scouting the Beverly Wilshire Hotel as a possible location for the Young Hollywood party. After they get a brief tour and take some photographs, Lauren tells Whitney that she had coffee with Jason yesterday, and that rehabbing seems to have done him a world of good. Back in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren and Whitney agree that the hotel is much too small for the Young Hollywood party...and that since they need space for the band and a large runway, they should probably target some non-hotel venues. With that settled, Lauren shares that Audrina went away with Justin last weekend...and Whitney's all, "That's back on?" then just kind of shrugs and says that the two probably worked out their various issues, and that no one else needs to be involved in that imminent train wreck. Lauren's like, "Amen to that", then gets a call from Jason, who invites her to have dinner with him at Ketchup tonight. Heidi sashays over to Lacey, hands her two cell phones, and asks her if she wouldn't mind transferring all of the Bolthouse contacts from one device to the other...and while that's happening, Elodie wanders past, staring curiously at the two of them. A few seconds later, Spencer calls one of the cell phones to tell Heidi that they should celebrate her promotion by going to dinner at Ketchup, and Heidi smiles happily at the romantic invitation. Lauren and Jason arrive at Ketchup and engage in some banal chitchat - just as Heidi and Spencer arrive. A stunned Lauren alerts Jason to their presence...and as Spencer passes by, he sarcastically comments, "It's great to see you back together. It's heartwarming." Lauren reacts by rolling her eyes, while Heidi and Spencer chuckle about how funny and totally non-coincidental it is that The Hills producers arranged for the four of them to "just happen" to end up at the same restaurant at the same time, then crossed their fingers that something spicy would erupt from that. Lauren mutters about how much she hates Spencer, and Jason's just like, "Whatever. Who cares? Don't let them bother you." Heidi and Spencer wonder aloud if Lauren picked up her loser ex from rehab, or perhaps even jail...and Heidi furrows her brows while wondering aloud, "Maybe they're back in the movie making action", to which a spaced-out Spencer haltingly mumbles, "That. Is. Ker-AYE-zee." Jason tells Lauren that he, along with everyone he knows, dislikes Heidi (and, by association, Spencer), and that he wouldn't mind expressing this in a really public way while at Ketchup - but Lauren urges him to sit still and not take The Hills producers' bait by causing a scene. Heidi and Spencer summon the waitress over and order a bunch of drinks to send over to Lauren's/Jason's table - but Lauren tells the waitress, "Thanks but no thanks", while Jason talks about the need for "some serious beat downs". A miffed looking Heidi tells Spencer she's completely baffled that Lauren would break bread with her crazy, abusive ex-boyfriend, while shunning her for the crime of dating a malevolent Chucky doll lookalike. Lauren, meanwhile, tells Jason she's ready to put an end to this contrived spectacle...and as the two head towards the exit, Heidi yells at them, "Bye! Have a good night", but is ignored. While en route to Hillside Villas, Jason tells Lauren that Heidi has found her perfect match in Spencer, and that he always knew "that chick was shady". Lauren concurs and adds that it made no sense for Spencer to comment on their re-connecting, not least 'cause he (Spencer) has never even met him (Jason) ... and when Jason pulls up at Hillside Villas, Lauren sheepishly thanks him for enduring the drama-filled evening, then climbs out of the car and totters towards the residential building in her stilettos. The next day in the Teen Vogue closet office, Whitney informs Lauren that Lisa Love gave them the green light to look into some non-hotel venues for the Young Hollywood party. Lauren updates her on the run-in at Ketchup with Heidi and Spencer, and describes in detail each interaction. She adds that Jason never really liked Heidi, and Whitney remarks that he must have had a good intuition about the twit. Heidi arrives at Bolthouse and seats herself next to Elodie, who's doing some paperwork in the lounge area. Heidi gabs about running into Lauren and Jason at Ketchup last night, and how she and Spencer sent drinks to their table, which were promptly refused. Elodie comes right out and asks, "So, what exactly did you do to her?", then points out that she's also no longer friends with Audrina or Whitney. When a shocked looking Heidi is unable to mutter a coherent explanation, Elodie snappishly adds, "You don't even know what's wrong and what's right anymore", then scrunches her face into an expression of disgust as she calls the situation "so sad". As Heidi attempts to stammer something in reply, Elodie says she needs to finish up her paperwork and chirps, "See ya!" - LOL - while Heidi puts on her sad, forlorn face. Lauren meets up with Jason, who's browsing the newspaper for available apartments. She offers to help him house-hunt this weekend, then points out that if he gets a roommate, it's going to have to be a sober person. Jason remarks that none of his friends are sober, so Lauren offers to spend dry nights with him going bowling, seeing movies, or getting a gander at his - surprise! - fiancée at an upcoming house party. Heidi and Spencer are having dinner at Don Antonio's, once again toasting Heidi's faux promotion. She complains that she's soooooo tired from all the imaginary work that's been added to her plate...and that despite Elodie's open hostility, she's going to continue to dig in about how much she deserves to be Bolthouse's new Pretend Events Director. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: While doing pretend intern work in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney that Jason called her last night from wherever he's rehabbing. She adds that she hasn't seen the schlub since the Season 2 premiere, and that it's a tad irksome that he's decided to resurface when everything is finally going smoothly in her personal life. Later.. Lauren and Audrina are at the gym, working out with an overly chatty trainer named Jarett. Lauren tells him she recently talked to a buddy of his, Derek, about enrolling in some sort of bootcamp, and Jarett says that Derek is a nice guy and that the four of them should all go out to dinner at Lola's tonight. Over a post-workout snack, Lauren tells Audrina that Jason called and wants them to get together, and Audrina shares that she's still refusing to take Justin's calls. She then decrees that tonight is going to be all about dating new boys, and forbids any further talk of their horrible exes. Over at Bolthouse Productions, Elodie tells Heidi that there's a new job opening for an Events Director that comes with its own private office (that they're standing right in front of), and makes it clear that she's very very interested in applying. Heidi's all, "Hmmm, interesting" as she quietly checks out the vacant office. When Heidi returns home, she reports to Spencer - who looks as though he's been lounging on the couch all day, tapping away on his laptop - that there's an opening for an Events Director at Bolthouse. Spencer mumblingly describes the opportunity as "very legit", and Heidi adds that Elodie seems to have her heart set on the job. Spencer decrees, "You beyond deserve it", urges her to stir up whatever contrived sort of Hills drama it's going to take to get the job, and promises that he'll help her in any way he can [from the comfort of his permanent loafing spot on the living room couch]. Lauren and Audrina arrive at Lola's and warmly greet Jarett and Derek. Lauren idly asks Derek why he's wearing a Michigan U t-shirt, so he tells her it only cost him 40 cents in a thrift store...and instead of just leaving it at that, prattles needlessly about all he's doing to avoid the high cost of vintage clothing. Lauren reacts by staring back at him with an expression of what I can only describe as spiritless dismay. Later, at Les Deux, Derek fawningly tells Lauren he likes her more than any other girl he's ever known, and she shoots him a the fuck? look and laughingly retorts, "No you don't!" He suggests that, yeah, he may possibly be psychotic - but when Lauren shoots him another the fuck? look, he hastily back pedals on that and tells her he once dated a girl for seven years and emerged from it with no relationship issues. A skeptical Lauren shares that she just got out of a one year relationship and has all sorts of relationship issues, and Derek replies, "That's your problem", to which Lauren responds by shooting him the third and final the fuck? look of the evening. She beats a hasty retreat to the ladies room with Audrina...and once they're out earshot, Derek tells Jarett he's [so clueless about how fully turned off Lauren is by him and is] ready to propose. Over in the ladies room, Lauren complains to Audrina that the hopeless dork is under the strange illusion that she likes him, and that she's never wanted to stab herself in the eye more while out on a date. When she returns to the table, she makes it a point to sit as far away from Derek as possible...and he decides 'I haven't got much to lose in terms of reappearing on The Hills as Lauren's potential love interest' and reacts to the snub by sticking out his tongue at her. The next day in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney about the "brutal" double date she went on with Audrina, and that she was utterly incredulous when Derek told her that he likes her more than any other girl he's ever met. Whitney clucks sympathetically and says that any guy who's lucky enough to make a guest appearance on The Hills should know to not come off so desperately, then reminds Lauren that not every boy she she meets is going to be her Prince Charming. Heidi meets with Brent behind closed doors to announce that she'd like him to consider pretending to promote her to Events Director...and Brent pretends to mull that over, says it's going to be a team decision, and that Elodie's interest in the job will be a major factor. When he warns that becoming [a faux] Events Director means having a lot more [non-existent] responsibilities, Heidi insists that she's up to the task...and Brent does his best to assure her that he's going to give this scripted-for-reality-TV request some deeply serious thought. Lauren is chillin' at Hillside Villas with Audrina and Lo when Jason calls to say hey to Lauren and confirm their get together. After that, the gals sit down to eat...and Audrina pulls out a book containing a love quiz and throws out the question: how many times have you been madly in love? Lauren reveals that so far she's been in love in the madly sense just once in her life: with Jason...incomprehensibly enough. The next day, Lauren and Audrina are laying poolside when Lauren gets a voicemail message from Derek, who invites her out for drinks. She laughingly says, "Negative", then tells Audrina she has zero interest in spending any more time with that halfwit. Audrina then reports that when she finally agreed to take Justin's calls, he apologized for his shitty boorishness, and Lauren says she [sort of, but meh] gets that she wants to be in a relationship with the disheveled bad boy - but points out that he's only capable of behaving like a normal human being some of the time, and that "you can't just like who half a person is". After getting the pretend promotion, Heidi arrives in her new office and soon comes face-to-face with Elodie, a non-actor who does her best to appear deeply pissed off as she brusquely says, "Good for you" and tells Heidi she hopes she appreciates the new job as much as she would have. Heidi thanks her for her graciousness, then scrunches her face sympathetically and says that this contrived drama, entirely concocted by The Hills producers, wasn't personal...and Elodie's all, "Uh huh" before wandering off, her eyes widened in faux disbelief. Audrina and Justin are hanging out at the beach before they climb atop his motorcycle and ride off together. Lauren meets up with Jason at a coffee house, gives him a warm hello hug, and returns a pair of his sunglasses that she found in her car. He remarks on how weird and abrupt their breakup was, and she concurs and then explains that she needed a clean break from him...but knew that eventually they'd be friends again. He admits to having gotten out of control with his self destructive tendencies, and they both stare mutely at each other before the end credits begin to roll. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Audrina tells Lauren that she was sooooo irked at Justin for abandoning her at Brody's barbecue party that she left her motorcycle helmet behind at the beach house...and when Lauren asks her if she won't be needing it in the near future, she replies, "Probably" - %$#@!! - and says she's still kinda into the "up and down" fucktardedness of their coupling. Lauren reports that Brody and Spencer had a recent falling out, and Audrina remarks on how pissed off Spencer is going to be now that she and Brody have declared themselves friends again. A gleeful Lauren responds by chuckling about how ironic it is that the tables have turned. Over at Bolthouse Productions, Brent assembles a staff meeting...then asks Heidi if Lauren and Brody are "back on". He explains that he saw them out together last weekend, and Heidi's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says that last she heard they haaaaaated each other, and that it'd be very weird if they were hanging out again. Audrina tells her work friend, Chiara, about how Justin ditched her at Brody's barbecue, and that she wept over the humiliation...which is unusual 'cause she doesn't typically cry over a guy. She tells Chiara she called Justin to ask whaddup with him just leaving her at the party...and also whaddup with her calling him, given his rude bitchitude. She dramatically declares, "I'm done", but then sheepishly acknowledges that because she's declared being done with Justin so many times, at this point it's pretty much a meaningless pronouncement. She compares her stupid hook-up with Justin as a rollercoaster ride, and Chiara unhelpfully enables this idiocy by cackling about how much fun rollercoaster rides are. Heidi reports to Spencer that Brent tattled to her about seeing Lauren and Brody out together, and Spencer's all, "Wha-a-a?" and describes that type of sighting as "hell freezing over" - but also doesn't seem extraordinarily surprised at this "unscripted" Hills plot twist. Lauren and her pals are out at Les Deux when Brody and Frankie arrive and ooooh their hellos with some flirty hey there pointing before seating themselves at her table. Brody suggests that they all convene at Roosevelt Pool on Sunday, and Lauren says she definitely likes the sound of that idea - but that an awesome idea for this evening would be to hang out at his condo...and Brody and his hangers-on make oooooohhhhh!! and mmmmmm!! cooing noises at the sauciness of Lauren's request. The next day in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney that ever since she and Brody have renewed their friendship, Spencer bitchily refuses to return Brody's phone calls. Whitney calls that soooo immature...and then the two exchange some inane banter that I just kind of fast-forwarded through. That evening, Audrina primps for her dinner date with Justin - %$#@!! - and tells Lauren and Lo that she hasn't seen him since the barbecue. She asks if it's normal to not be his girlfriend after two years of this type of on-again, off-again shittery, and Lo does her best to mask her disdain at the notion of even wanting to be in a non-platonic relationship with an unwashed cretin like Justin and says that, yeah, in a normal world he should probably be her boyfriend by now. Audrina and Justin dine at a restaurant named Toi...and Audrina says she's really not that hungry 'cause she ate earlier, but wanted to come out so that they can get to know each other. Justin argues that he already knows her, doesn't think they need to slow nuthin' down, and bloviates about how much he hates putting "statements on things". Audrina asks if by statements he means the boyfriend/girlfriend label, then explains that Lauren and Lo have been inquiring about when/if their unholy coupling is going to be official...and Justin grumbles about them putting things in her ear, wonders aloud why they even care [fair point], and rails about how much it pisses him off when society and Hills cast mates demand clarity on the status of their relationship. Audrina shoots him a weary glance, no doubt exhausted by his bristly 'I'm not going to let the world put me in a box' style rant. Brody calls Spencer to ask whassup with him not returning his calls, and Spencer says he has zero respect for the lack of loyalty he demonstrated in re-connecting with Lauren. Brody calls that ridiculous and says he's not going to hate Lauren just 'cause he tells him to, and Spencer snarls, "You are rolling around with my enemy. That makes you my enemy." Brody says he feels like they're back in high school [or perhaps even kindergarten], and Spencer snaps, "I have nothing to say to you" and hangs up...and Brody stares at his phone, looking incredulous as he mumbles, "Little bitch." Brody, Lauren, and their respective posses arrive at Roosevelt Pool to frolic in front of the MTV camera crew and get caught up on each other's lives. Audrina reports that since Justin seems highly averse to society's labels, she's going to give her desperate 'please be my boyfriend' quest a rest, which...hallelujah. Brody, meanwhile, reports about his bitchy exchange with Spencer, who chided him for rolling with the enemy. Lauren tells him that, unlike his baby of an ex-friend, she wouldn't care if he were to hang with Heidi and Spencer. Brody chucklingly argues that she's razzed him about hanging with the two, so Lauren points out that there's a ginormous difference between razzing someone and bitchily severing an entire friendship on extremely flimsy grounds. Heidi tells Spencer she's off to have breakfast with Jen Bunney...and when Spencer scrunches his face all suspicious-like and asks if Jen is hanging out with Lauren, Heidi assures him that she too has been permanently shunned by their mortal enemy. Spencer looks visibly bummed as he mumbles about how ridiculous this all is, and Heidi attempts to cheer him up by suggesting they have dinner at their fave Mexican place, Don Antonio's. Heidi arrives at Doughboys and gaily greets Jen...and tells her she hasn't been going out on the town lately, and that Frankie et. al. were really more Spencer's friends than hers. When she fills Jen in on the rift that has formed between Spencer and Brody, Jen's all, "Wha-a-a?", so Heidi explains that Brody's loyalty came into question when he started hanging out with Lauren again, then drops the [faux] bombshell that it was Brody Jenner - and not Spencer - who spread the Lauren/Jason sex tape rumor. As Jen stares back at her in shocked dismay, Heidi insists it's the truth and that she can back it up with the non-convincing assertion: "Because I heard him say things about it." Jen looks visibly skeptical, then swiftly changes the subject to the friendships that were awesome in Season 2 but are now defunct - due largely to Spencer's dickish malevolence. She shares that, even at the height of their beef, Lauren assured her that she'd always be there for her, e.g. if she was sobbing at 2:00am and really really needed her. Heidi cattily retorts, "Well, if you talk to her, tell her I say hello." Jen asks if she thinks that she and Lauren will ever be friends again, and Heidi mutters about how funny it is the way things turn out, then half-heartedly says, "I don't really care" to which Jen shoots back, "Yes you do", and Heidi reacts by mutely staring unhappily into space. As the final credits roll, Spencer is at home tapping away on his laptop, Brody and Lauren are chillin' with their posses at Roosevelt Pool, and Heidi has finished her breakfast meeting and is sashaying alone down the street. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: While at a jewelry store to get Heidi's ginormous engagement ring resized, Heidi invites Spencer to tag along with her to Colorado and spend the weekend with her and her family. Spencer says he's supposed to be hosting a barbecue with Brody, but would be happy to pretend to not be less than thrilled to skip it in favor of being scrutinized by his future in-laws. Spencer and Brody stop in at STI Motorsports to shop for car tires. Spencer breaks it to Brody that he and Heidi are off to Colorado this weekend, and a visibly irked Brody reminds him that his travel plans conflict with the big Malibu barbecue party they've been planning for two months. Spencer says he'll just have to be there in spirit, and Brody tells him it ain't cool "to flake out on the homies like that". Audrina and Justin are walking along Venice Beach looking very canoodly. Audrina remarks on the rough start that he and Lauren got off to after his disgusting belch-fest during the previous episode, but Justin just kind of shrugs and mumbles, "It's all good." Audrina refuses to let the matter drop and tells him that Lauren is worried about their hook-up on account of she (Audrina) has been screwed over by so many guys, and Justin unsympathetically coos, "Awww...dum dum dum..." but then concedes that Lauren is probably just being a good friend. He assures Audrina that she need not worry about him screwing her over, then adds, "'Til you piss me off", and Audrina chooses to take that as a light quip and lets out a nervous giggle. While packing for Colorado, Heidi jokes that pretty much the entire town of Crested Butte knows they're coming...not least 'cause they'll be accompanied by the MTV film crew. She adds that her parents know that they've been shacking up together, given that she talks to her mom every day...and Spencer mumbles about how this is "the heaviest thing" he's ever done. Over dinner, Lauren tells Audrina and Lo that Brody has invited them to his barbecue party this weekend. Audrina says she'd like to invite Justin, and that she's kinda into how his predictable bouts of inconsiderate douchebaggery keep her on her toes. Heidi and Spencer arrive in Crested Butte, rent an SUV, and make the short drive to the Egelhoff home. When they arrive, Darlene (Heidi's mom) jumps up and down with delight, while Spencer mumbles about how being in this tiny a town is "a trip" when compared to an urban sprawl like L.A. Malibu barbecue! Frankie asks where Spencer is, so Brody snarlingly replies that he's with his "wife" in Colorado, meeting his future in-laws. The two then cackle about how, at this very moment, Spencer is probably horseback riding. Spencer calls Brody, and Brody mockingly asks him if he's having fun "in the Outback". Spencer tells him that Crested Butte is a whole other world than what they're used to in L.A., and Brody rubs it in about how he's missing a gorgeous day in Malibu at their super fun barbecue party. Spencer tells him to pretend like he's there in spirit, and Brody snarls, "You're blowin' it", then says to give his best to Heidi's parents. Lauren and her gal pals arrive at the barbecue and get enthusiastic hellos from Frankie and Brody. They excitedly discuss all the fun things they're going to do that day...and then we get a montage of the guys kayaking, Audrina cavorting in the water with Justin wearing a teeny tiny bikini, and a game of football, which results in Brody suffering a serious finger injury. While shopping for souvenirs. Heidi pulls Tim aside and asks him what he thinks of Spencer, so Tim says he seems polite enough...and that as long as she doesn't object to his general horses' ass-ishness, he has no real objection to the two of them dating. Heidi says she's always wanted a guy who's just like her daddy and assures him she looooooves Spencer a lot, and Tim decides he should probably step into a time machine and initiate a private [future father-in-law/son-in-law] chat to grill Spencer about his intentions. Back at the barbecue, Justin ambles around the beach looking idiotic in his big black boots, while Brody shows everyone his broken finger before deciding he should probably head to the nearest medi-clinic to get it checked out. Back in Colorado, the family sits down for dinner on the picnic table, and Tim decides that this is the perfect time to pull Spencer aside for their tête-à-tête. Spencer gabbles about how no one is more surprised than he that he's soooo eager to marry Heidi at his young age, but has determined that he looooooves spending every minute of the day with her. Tim wryly says that Heidi has often shown a tendency to be social with her gal pals - until she gets a boyfriend and then devotes all of her time to him, losing her gal pals in the process. He expresses concern that Heidi seems to have all of her eggs in one basket and asks what would become of her social circle if the two of them ever broke up, and Spencer does that annoying TV tropey thing where he just mutely stares back at Tim until the camera eventually cuts away. Audrina complains to Lauren about how Justin has been chatting with another girl and ignoring her all afternoon, and an incredulous Lauren says that the grimy dumbfuck should be "jumping to date you". Brody returns to the beach house with a cast that extends all the way to his elbow and announces that he's going to need surgery, and a shocked Lauren's all, "OMG!" and chuckles heartily as he shows everyone the x-ray of his broken finger/hand/limb(?). Darlene tells Heidi it's nice that she feels like she's in a loving relationship, and that Spencer might possibly be the man she marries - but Heidi insists that the Chucky doll lookalike is definitely going to be her husband, and that he's her best friend, boyfriend, and "my everything". Darlene's like, "That's precisely what concerns me" and asks who she'd hang out with if things went south with Spencer...and Heidi vaguely says she'd probably look into befriending some of Spencer's pals' girlfriends. Darlene asks what on earth happened to her once-tight friendship with Lauren, and Heidi brusquely says that Lauren hated all the time she was spending with Spencer, conveniently leaves out the part about Spencer allegedly starting a sex tape rumor, and decrees that she and Lauren are never ever going to be friends again. Brody pouts at Lauren for laughing at his arm cast earlier, so she points out that it is fairly amusing that he dashed off to get a sore finger looked at, only to return with a full on arm cast. Brody thrusts his cast at her and jokingly says that he's a little insecure about this, and Lauren cheers him up by giving the cast a light smooch. Over a family dinner at the Egelhoff's family restaurant, Timberline, Darlene tells Spencer she's deeply impressed with his commitment to Heidi, as is evidenced by the ginormous amethyst engagement ring he gave her. Spencer says that since they've been shacking up together for awhile now, he already thinks of her as his wife...and Darlene cautions that before they take the marital plunge, they need to go through some rough times so that they can bounce back to a strengthened relationship. Spencer's just like, "Whatevs, I'd marry her tomorrow if she were to weakly cave in to my wishes." Brody grumbles to Lauren that lately Spencer has been spending every waking moment with Heidi, and Lauren remarks that whenever she's out at the clubs these days, she couldn't help but notice that Spencer isn't among the dipshit posse. When Brody just stares sadly into space, Lauren says she totally gets it 'cause she too lost a BFF last season. After Heidi excuses herself from the dining table, Darlene asks Spencer whaddup with Heidi feeling as though she has to choose between him and Lauren, so Spencer figures 'why filter my response to come across as a mature individual, considering that these are Heidi's parents I'm talking to?' and gripes about how Lauren is a stubborn, immature, selfish girl, then contorts his face while mimicking: "I want Heidi to myself! You don't share her...duh duh duh..." Darlene and Tim stare back at him looking a combination of dismayed and aghast - just as Heidi returns to the table and snappishly asks why they're talking about Lauren. Lauren tells Audrina that her mom loves that she's Heidi replacement, and Audrina laments the fact that Heidi let Hollywood go to her head and became a different person. Lauren recalls how intensely Jason hated Heidi, but that she stubbornly refused to choose one over the other and never let that bad blood let it get in the way of their friendship. Audrina reminds her about all the great friends she currently has in her life, and Lauren concurs, but then breaks into sobs and squeaks, "It's hard to lose a best friend." Heidi tucks Spencer into his couch bed and says that she'll be in the adjoining bedroom, and the two exchange I love yous. Audrina tries to call Justin and gets no answer, and complains to Lauren that she hasn't seen him in a long while. Lauren goes inside the beach house to get drinks and notices that 1) Justin is nowhere to be found, and 2) the motorcycle helmet that Audrina wears when she rides with him is laying, abandoned, on the couch. She somberly brings it over to Audrina, who does her best to tear up as she self-piteously whimpers, "He just left me? He's gone?" ... and lets that sink in for a few seconds before declaring, "Seriously, I'm done." Lauren clucks sympathetically, then laughingly points out that the slovenly shitbag wore combat boots to the beach...and Audrina agrees that, yeah, that's kinda funny - but then continues to dwell on the fact that her boorish beau just unceremoniously ditched her without so much as a bye. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Audrina tells Lauren that she and Justin have plans to grab drinks at Bella later, then invites her to third-wheel it on their date...and adds that since she has commitment issues, she's going to need to take more time to determine if the dumb oaf is boyfriend material [let me assess: he's not]. Lauren tells Audrina she's looking forward to scrutinizing her potential boyfriend, then credits her for being a smart girl...though not really, 'cause when Lauren advises, "Go with your gut, but use your head", Audrina stares blankly into space before replying, "We'll see." LOL. Heidi arrives at Bolthouse and says hey to Elodie, who's all, "Whassup with that purple monstrosity on your ring finger?" As Heidi happily flashes her engagement ring, she gabbles about how Spencer proposed to her in Santa Barbara over the weekend - which came as a huge surprise after all the presumptuous shit he's been doing lately, e.g. vandalizing the walls of their apartment with tacky graffiti art. Elodie says she couldn't imagine getting married at Heidi's age 'cause of how fucking nuts that is, and Heidi says, "Yeah, but when you meet a Spencer at my age, it's a whole different thing", and Elodie manages to not break into too much of a smile when she quizzically replies, "Really..?" Heidi waxes on about how the Chucky doll lookalike is her soulmate, and Elodie advises her to keep her marital status as engaged for as long as humanly possible, and to not buy a wedding dress anytime soon. Spencer and Brody wander into a clothing store and discuss the engagement. Spencer says the proposal in Santa Barbara went amaaaaaazing, and is shocked that he's even contemplating marriage at the tender age of twenty-three. He used to think that marriage was stupid - until he met Heidi and realized that he could happily spend the rest of his life with the same woman. Brody's all, "Nope, doesn't compute" and asks about the bachelor party, then chuckles about the lack of sex Spencer is going to be saddled with once he gets hitched. Over in the Teen Vogue closet office, Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina asked her to tag along on her date with Justin so that she can get to know him better, then scrunches her face into a blech expression and says's she's utterly mystified by how Audrina can possibly be attracted to such a mumbly, moronic assbag. Whitney points out that he's a good looking guy (though...meh), but then acknowledges, "Looks can only take you so far." Lauren says she really really wants to not feel overwhelming disdain for this human sloppy joe...then says that since she hasn't actually had a full on conversation with him, he probably maybe possibly deserves the chance to change her negative opinion of him. Heidi arrives home, startled by the sight of a giant video game in her dining room. When she's all, "What in blazes is this latest abomination?", Spencer excitedly says it's a collector's item from the '80s and that it's going to remain in their apartment for the foreseeable future. An exasperated Heidi says she assumed that they were going to put a dining table in the, uh, dining area, then looks distressed as she mutters, "Oh my God.." Lauren arrives at Bella for Operation Find Something Redeeming About Justin. She asks Justin if he rode over here on his motorcycle...and when he mumbles a yeah, she urges him to ride carefully, gesturing at Audrina and saying, "That's precious cargo you've got there." Justin responds to that with a belch, then barks, "Hey!" at Audrina and - in case anyone thought it was an involuntary release of gas - loudly belches a second time. Audrina giggles and remarks, "You burp a lot", then covers his mouth while chiding, "Excuse you, mister!" as a horrified Lauren wistfully eyes the nearest exit. Audrina asks her if she thinks Justin is a good guy, and Lauren somehow refrains from asking her what fantasy world she's living in and dryly retorts, "It takes more than a couple of drinks to tell." Justin mumbles that he has his own set of questions for her, as well as an evaluation...then jokingly (?) tells Audrina that he's actually in love with Lauren. As Audrina jokingly (?) reacts by saying, "You're such a fucking asshole", Lauren asks Justin if he's ready for her evaluation of his boorishness - but he makes it clear how little he cares about what she thinks of him. Lauren points out that Audrina cares, but Justin just shrugs and mumbles, "It is what it is" and tells Audrina he's ready to hit the road. After exiting the bar, the two put on their helmets and climb aboard his motorcycle, and Lauren implores Justin to be careful while riding with her, then stares after them in dismay as he motors off. The next day, Lauren and Audrina are laying poolside at Hillside Villas, discussing Justin's assholery. Audrina concedes that he was weird, rude, and disrespectful, and Lauren grumbles about how awkward it was for her to third-wheel it in the company of an immature fucktard who intentionally communicated via belch. Audrina wonders aloud if she should bother calling the horse's ass to see what he has to say for himself...and when Lauren asks her if she seriously wants her opinion, Audrina hastily says no, 'cause she's well aware of the utter contempt she feels for him. Lauren urges her to find a guy who makes her happy and asks her if she's done with Justin...then stares in bafflement as Audrina, who clearly can't decide whether or not she should kick him to the curb in favor of a guy who's capable of presenting himself as a reasonably well-mannered human being while out with her and her friends. Spencer tells Heidi he now agrees that they really really need to buy plates, cutlery, a coffee table, and - yes - maybe even a dining table. Heidi complains about how their apartment feels like a kids' playhouse...then says that when she told Elodie about the graffiti art and video game, she was [only very mildly] shocked that the two of them weren't making those kinds of decisions together. Spencer says they're not so much decisions as they are surprises, and Heidi tries to explain that it's not a fun surprise to come home and see that her living room wall has been spray painted with unsightly graffiti. She expresses concern that their landlord is going to throw them out if he ever watches Season 3 of The Hills and/or gets wind of what they've done to the place - but Spencer just chuckles and nonsensically mumbles, "Wow, I looooove having this power." Over a Pinkberry snack, Lo asks Lauren whassup lately, so Lauren tells her that she went out for drinks with Audrina and Justin to try to make sense of why - in the name of all that is holy - her roommate would give that disheveled train wreck the time of day...and swiftly came to the conclusion that Justin is even more objectionable than she had originally feared. She then calls Audrina to ask if they're still meeting at the gym later, but Audrina cancels 'cause she has plans to get together with Justin. Lauren rolls her eyes and tells Lo, "I can't do the roommate thing with the sucky boyfriend" - while The Hills producers silently, yet vehemently disagree about plot lines mirroring the 'Heidi/Spencer/Lauren hate triangle' that are a lake that's anywhere near fished dry. Audrina chides Justin for being "grumpy and mean" the other night...so he explains that he was sick, but came out anyway 'cause he had a Hills filming schedule to stick to. He then back-pedals and offers an off-handed sorry, but didn't think that acting like an ill-bred six year old in front of her friend and roommate "that big of a thing", and says he couldn't care less about how horribly he came across. Audrina tests the waters of a potential unholy coupling (or not) by suggesting that maybe they'd be better off as friends, and Justin mumblingly offers two scenarios in this fork in the road. They can..
Audrina asks Justin if he's looked beyond rock kicking, and he confirms he has...then launches into the first of what will be his many 'I'm an aloof poet/wise young sage' verbal diarrhea-ologues and natters about how he just takes her for who she is, the heart that she has, and doesn't "let anyone interfere with that". He concludes with the pronouncement, "I think truth and time tells all" ... and an intrigued looking Audrina smilingly makes a toast to his word salad-y "truth and time" prophesy. Heidi has summoned the courage to buy a roller and some white paint, and is painting over the graffiti art on her living room wall. When Spencer arrives home a few seconds later, she chirps, "Surprise!" ... and a faux shocked Spencer asks her if she's kidding, then points out that his surprise was a beautiful mural, while her surprise is a boring white wall. Heidi insists that he can't actually be mad at her for wanting to revert the living room wall back to its default settings...then makes it clear that, now that they're officially engaged, any future decisions affecting decor need to made together. The two stare at the half-painted-over mural, and Heidi concludes her chastisement by saying, "This is what it is" ... and Spencer chuckles and sarcastically applauds her painting job. Heidi then wanders off to the bedroom, and Spencer picks up the roller and continues painting over the graffiti art. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: While out for lunch, Heidi grumbles at Spencer about her screaming match with Lauren during the previous episode, jokes about the accusation that she's been brainwashed, and expresses bewilderment at Audrina's chutzpah in inserting herself in the middle of the Lauren/Heidi conflict. Heidi then changes the subject to the new apartment and tells Spencer they need to make it homey by getting more kitchenware, art, and light yellow paint for the walls...and Spencer hastily vetoes that color choice by making an errrrrr noise. Over at Hillside Villas, Audrina tells Lauren she's re-interested in a guy named Justin, who once abandoned her in Vegas. Lauren gasps in horror and advises her to maybe aim for someone who's not a complete and utter douchecanoe, and an irked Audrina points out that she's not interested in marrying the guy and is just going out on a date. Lauren decides 'why risk losing a second friendship by making snarky judgements about her dating choices, however boneheaded those choices prove to be?' and quickly shuts it. Heidi arrives home from shopping, and is startled by the graffiti art that's been splashed across the living room wall and kitchen island. When she asks Spencer what in blazes the fugly murals are doing on the walls of their home, he somehow manages to keep a straight face while replying, "I got us some art" and refers to it as "a surprise". Heidi points out that when she said they needed art, she meant buying paintings to hang up on the walls...then complains that this particular brand of graffiti art gives the entire apartment a truly tacky vibe. Spencer's all, "Whatevs" and changes the subject to some good news: he's arranged for them to spend a romantic weekend in Santa Barbara, and has even more fun surprises planned. Audrina meets up for lunch with Justin, who's wearing a big black hat over his long brown locks. After the two hug hello, they sit across from each other and pore over the restaurant's menu. At Hillside Villas, Lauren tells Lo that Audrina is out with Justin far longer than she said she'd be, then clarifies that Justin is the fucktard who once abandoned Audrina in Vegas. As Lo cackles in horror, Lauren says there's always that one [borderline abusive] guy [dumb] girls insist on going back to, then pronounces that every girl wants to be the one who's able to transform a shitty guy into a somewhat less shitty guy. Justin tells Audrina she's lookin' pretty hot. She remarks on how he hasn't seen her new apartment yet, then agrees that he's a very different guy than the rude prick who abandoned her in Vegas (though not really). Lauren explains to Lo that Justin wants to change his name to Bobby, but thinks this could result in confused people calling him Justin-Bobby. The two erupt into gales of laughter - just as Audrina returns home with Justin in tow and introduces him. Lauren brings up the topic of his name change, so he says his friends call him Bobby...and Lo is barely able to hold it together when she asks if having dual names means they should be calling him Justin-Bobby. He responds by glaring back at her stonily and snarling, "You can call me whatever the hell you want" ... and when he and Audrina are temporarily out of earshot, Lauren looks momentarily concerned that they may have hurt the dolt's feelings. A few seconds later, Audrina announces that she and Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby are off to Forty Deuce, and Lauren's all, "Wuh?" ... then later explains to Lo that Audrina got tickets for the two of them to hang at Forty Deuce, like, right now. Lo responds by cackling that she's pretty sure Justin-Bobby took her ticket, and Lauren can't help but cacklingly agree. The next morning, Audrina tells Lauren she had a fun night with Justin, and believes he's much improved from the inconsiderate dipshit he was two years ago. She assures Lauren she won't find him wholly objectionable and that she'd like the two of them to get to know each other. She then wonders aloud if he has any cute friends that she (Lauren) could date, and Lauren reminds her that they have vaaaaaaast differences when it comes to their taste in men. While driving, Spencer tells Brody he's planning to propose to Heidi during their Santa Barbara vacay, and asks if he'll be his best man. A horrified looking Brody tells him he's nuts to want to waste his youth by getting married at the age of twenty-three - but Spencer says he's determined to move forward with his marriage plan 'cause of how flawless and great his relationship with Heidi is. He then asks Brody if he can borrow his credit card, and Brody snarls that he's not lending his credit card to anyone who's dumb enough to get married while in his twenties. At Epic Records, Audrina tells Chiara about her budding romance with Justin, and that Lauren doesn't like him 'cause she's worried he's going to break her heart. Audrina says she much prefers to learn the hard way that a guy is undeserving of her time and energy, then adds that she's been single for a long time and really really wants a boyfriend. Spencer and Brody arrive at a jewellry store named Ice in Brentwood to buy "some high-end bling". The saleswoman promptly directs his attention to some low-end bling (in Hills dollars, anyway) and hands him an amethyst ring [that, according to Internet gossip, had a retail price of less than $3,000]. Spencer studies it for several seconds, chirps, "Sold!", and tells the saleswoman he can now cross 'buy Heidi's engagement ring' off of his 'to do' list. She coos, "Awwww.." while Brody shakes his head and mutters, "You have officially lost your mind." While en route to Santa Barbara, Spencer tells Heidi he's looking forward to getting out of L.A. and spending the weekend at a lovely beach house. Lauren arrives at her parents' swanky Laguna Beach house. She hugs her mom hello and tells her she needed a break from L.A., and that Audrina has just started to date a guy she can't help but predict is going to turn out to be an insufferable assbag. She pontificates about how Hollywood can bring out the worst in a person...and when her mom says that being from L.A. often makes people act like horses' asses, Lauren argues that the biggest horse's ass of all [aka Heidi] grew up in rural Colorado. While reclining on a Santa Barbara beach, Spencer tells Heidi he's soooo happy being in a relationship with her and wants them to spend their lives together, then presents her with the amethyst ring. Heidi tears up and squeaks about how much she loves him, regardless of how strenuously everyone around her advised her to run far and fast from the Chucky doll lookalike. She calls him "the most loyal, amazing, loving, 'everything person'" and that she loves him more than anything in the whole entire world. Ma Conrad tells Lauren that most people are good and that she doesn't want her to have trust issues - but Lauren argues that, considering the viper pit that is the glossy reality show she's sold her soul to for the next three seasons, having trust issues is inevitable. Ma Conrad urges her to focus on her internship and tighknit group of friends to keep her on the straight and narrow, and Lauren mulls that over...then wanders over to a nearby terrace to stare contemplatively at the ocean. In the concluding montage, Audrina is riding on the back of Justin's motorcyle, while Heidi admires her engagement ring...and Lauren contines to stare contemplatively at the ocean. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Whitney is stationed at her desk in the newly reorganized Teen Vogue closet office when Lauren arrives. She congratulates Whitney on her promotion to Fashion Contributor, then fills her in on the off-camera drama that unfolded during the summer hiatus: a rumor was started [prime suspect: Spencer] that she and Jason filmed a sex tape...and this falsehood spread like wildfire across the Internet, eventually finding its way to her friends and family in Laguna Beach. Whitney's all, "Wha-a-a?" and asks if she's heard from Heidi lately, and Lauren just silently shakes her head as the opening credits roll. Spencer arrives at his/Heidi's new digs with a jelly aquarium, and Heidi's like, "I didn't know we were getting a jelly aquarium!" and shows her beloved the guest list she's been cobbling together for their upcoming housewarming party. Spencer chortles at the notion of writing up a formal guest list and tells her he just verbally invited his [soon-to-be-ex] pals Brody, Frankie, and Gino (?), while Heidi's guest list consists of Lauren, Audrina, and Whitney. Spencer smilingly replies, "Let's see if we can get them on the list", and Heidi reacts by scrunching her face in mild disapproval. Heidi drops by Epic Records, Audrina's new workplace, to 1) make fun of her faux receptionist job by smirkily asking, "You just sit here by yourself?" and 2) personally deliver two invitations - one for her, one for Lauren - to her housewarming party. Heidi says she's somehow under the illusion that Whitney has RSVPed and is definitely going to be there, and Audrina looks rightfully skeptical 'bout that before pretending she that she has to rush over to the mailroom asap in order to pass along some important Epic Records correspondence. Once Heidi is out of range, Audrina makes a beeline over to her co-worker and Epic intern, Chiara, to report that Heidi just stopped in to deliver invitations to her upcoming housewarming party. She then offers the backstory to this cheekiness and explains that Heidi didn't call Lauren all summer, and that Spencer and his ilk were spreading sex tape rumors involving Lauren and Jason, and trash-talking Lauren about what a loser she is without Heidi...despite Heidi really being more of a sidekick character in this - at least up until now - Lauren-centric reality show. Audrina adds that since Heidi has done fuck all to defend Lauren, she has zero desire to go to her housewarming party, and vows that she has Lauren's back. Over lunch at Milk, Lauren tells Whitney that Heidi dropped by Epic Records to deliver invitations to her and Audrina for her housewarming party. Whitney says she feels bad (though not really) about never having had any intention of going, 'cause she knows she'd be really uncomfortable around Spencer and Heidi. Lauren's all, "Whatevs" and invites her to party with her and her pals at Les Deux tonight, and says that whenever she goes to that club she meets cute guys. Whitney mulls over that invitation and decides it sounds like fun. That night, Lauren and her posse arrive at Les Deux. Lauren invites a cute Brit named Jason to sit next to her, then tells Audrina - in full hearing range of Jason - that she just found an adorable boy from London who's leaving tomorrow, describing the fortunate discovery and his imminent departure as "jackpot". Jen Bunney arrives at the housewarming party and is hugged hello by Heidi, who tells her she's soooooooo happy she showed up. At Les Deux, meanwhile, Whitney arrives, sits beside Lauren, and throws shade at Jason, who she does not deem as adorable as Lauren finds him to be...which seems ridiculously picky, since he looked plenty adorable to me. Jen tells Heidi she's, like, focused on her real, non-Hills friendships, and Heidi's all, "I hear that" and tells her she's soooooooo happy she could be part of her Season 3 fresh start. She adds that she invited Lauren and wishes she were here to see how much fun Brody, Frankie, Gino (?), and the other partygoers are pretending to have, then stares wistfully at the front door. The next morning, Audrina and a bleary-eyed Lauren, who appears to have slept beneath her puffy comforter on the couch, agree that a gals' pre-party before partying at Les Deux is just too damn much partying for one evening. Audrina then shares that after Les Deux she spent several hours at the home of [soon-to-be-introduced idiot] Justin, mostly making out. Heidi gushes to Spencer about how much she loooooved meeting his friends, and he assures her they loooooved meeting her. He says that Frankie invited them to his birthday party at Les Deux tonight, and Heidi wonders aloud if Lauren will be there...then sadly laments her absence at the housewarming party. Spencer says he gets that Lauren [justifiably] hates him with the intensity of a thousand suns - but thinks it's wrong for her to project that hate onto Heidi...and Heidi agrees on how hard it sucks that her friendship with Lauren has to suffer on account of her insistence on coupling up with a malevolent Chucky doll lookalike who starts sex tape rumors. Audrina tells Lauren that Brody snarked at her about the two of them skipping the housewarming party, and Lauren makes a the fuck? face and calls that rude, and says she was well within her rights to snub the party, given that she was disrespected by Heidi. She says she's not going to "be there" for Heidi no 'mo, and that she likes her new roommate and Heidi-less future so much better. Heidi is getting dressed in a boob-baring dress and high heels while Spencer mumbles that he's just dying to know if Lauren, Audrina, and Whitney show up for Frankie's birthday party...sourly adding that they've only known the guy for three months. Heidi tells him she wrote a letter to Lauren about her absence at the party and will hand deliver it if she sees her at the club. Lauren and her gal pals are partying at Les Deux when an exuberant Frankie arrives...followed by Spencer and Heidi, whose presence Lauren reacts to by making an ew face. Heidi hands Lauren a letter and is all, "Hurray! It's Frankie's birthday!" as Lauren stares at her coldly, then abruptly leaves the table. Heidi tells Audrina she has no idea what she did, and hates the idea that she and Lauren can't even be in the same room together. Audrina shrugs and says she needs to hash it out with Lauren...then turns to an unnamed guy wearing a black knit hat and says that Heidi knows damn well what she did. Spencer loudly thanks those who came to his housewarming party and emphasizes, "Good friends came." Audrina finds Lauren in the bathroom, and the two read Heidi's letter, which chides Lauren for not coming to her party and urges her to call when she gets a chance. Lauren tells Audrina she's mostly peeved about how Heidi refuses to admit any wrongdoing. As Heidi maintains her cluelessness as to why Lauren is so angry with her, Spencer urges her to "roll up on her" right now and ask what the hell her problem is. Heidi decides that that sounds like a great idea and confronts Lauren in a dimly lit area of the club. Lauren comes right out and says, "You're not my friend anymore. I don't care about you. I don't ever want to talk to you again", to which Heidi refers as "really sad", given that she's been there for her through many contrived life crises. Lauren then begins shrieking, "You know what you did! You know what you did!" ... as Audrina concurs and chimes in, "Heidi, you're brainwashed. You're a different person now." LOL. When Heidi just stares back at Lauren looking perplexedly baffled, Lauren finally clarifies that she's sooooo angry at her 'cause of the "sick little rumor" she started. Heidi denies doing any such thing, and Lauren calls her sad and pathetic and storms back inside the club. Audrina derisively mutters to Lauren that Heidi is playing innocent, while Heidi stares sadly out of the car window as she and Spencer drive home. The next day, Heidi fills in her co-worker Elodie about the Les Deux screaming match, and concludes that she and Lauren aren't friends anymore. She adds that since she's "not a catty girl", she doesn't "have time" for the kind of drama that The Hills producers are going to do everything possible to instigate. Lauren arrives at the Teen Vogue closet office and tells Whitney about the ugly confrontation...and that since Heidi refuses to take responsibility for what she did, she doesn't feel as though she can ever trust her again. Whitney clucks sympathetically and remarks on the rough time she's had with various ill-fated friendships, and Lauren says it almost feels as though the Heidi of Season 1 has died 'cause she's no longer part of her life...but that it's A-OK 'cause she knows she's a whole lot better off. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Heidi enters the living room and tells Lauren she slept in her room last night after getting into a fight with Spencer 'cause she declined his offer to move in with him. Lauren agrees that it's much too soon for them to be moving in together, reminds her that at the start of their unholy coupling she declared she wouldn't be willing to move in together until they'd dated at least two years, and asks if she really wants to change what she believes in just 'cause a Chucky doll lookalike is trying to manipulate her into doing what he wants her to do. She then throws in the towel on the friendship and urges Heidi to do whatever she wants and to not use her as an excuse to continue being her roommate [in name only] by pointing out, "You don't even live with me. I live with your stuff." Whitney arrives at Teen Vogue headquarters in New York and is greeted by Emily, who escorts her to Amy Astley's office for her job interview. At Bolthouse Productions, Elodie tells Heidi what a douchecanoe Spencer is for relentlessly pressuring her to move in with him, not least 'cause of all the dickishness he's pulled on her this season...and adds that it's a mystery why in the fuckity fuck she's still with the moron man-child. Heidi says she's pretty sure that technically they're broken up right now...and that while most of her wants to move in with him, the tiny sensible part of her can't help wondering what the rush is. Kristen tells her she's lived with almost every boyfriend she's ever had and that it's not always a good thing. This prompts Heidi to wonder aloud how she'll ever know if it's a good/bad decision if she doesn't take a leap of faith, but Elodie and Kristen just shake their heads and make it clear what a horrible idea they both think it is. Amy Astley tells Whitney they're looking to staff the magazine with special people who somehow can predict what's happening in the L.A. fashion scene before it happens. After that, she asks Whitney to name some of her favorite photographers and designers, and Whitney rattles off a list of names, then gushes that she looooooves fashion so much she totes wants to make a career of it. Spencer calls Heidi at Bolthouse to tell her he has a surprise for her, then texts her an address he wants her to meet him at. As she rushes out, Elodie and Kristen roll their eyes and shake their heads at each other in dismay. Spencer is sitting on the front steps of an apartment building when Heidi pulls up in her Audi convertible. The two hug hello before he steers her inside to show her a vacant apartment he just rented so the two of them can shack up together. Heidi reminds him he rudely kicked her out of his car at the end of the previous episode, and he explains that he's been soooooo frustrated about her continual refusal to make the decision he wants her to make. He then gives her the grand tour of the apartment, including the balcony that offers an impressive view of all their favorite Hollywood haunts. Heidi asks him if he's absolutely sure he's ready to settle down and be a serious boyfriend (e.g. there can be no more playmates), and Spencer nods and says, "Deal." Heidi mulls that over for a few seconds before saying, "Let's do it. Let's move in", and the two hug happily. Heidi returns to Hillside Villas to report to Lauren that she's decided to give in to the mounting pressure Spencer's been putting on her to move in with him, and an unfazed Lauren's all, "OK, whatevs. Let me know when you're leaving so I can find a new roommate." Heidi excitedly tells her about the beautiful new digs Spencer got for them, and Lauren smirkingly retorts, "What could go wrong?" and half-heartedly congratulates her before heading off to Teen Vogue. Over at Casa Dipshit, Brody teases Spencer about his near married status - but Spencer's all 'whoa' and points out that marriage entails buying a ring, which he's definitely not doing [until Season 3]. He says his main goal is to break up the Heidi/Lauren Roommate Bond 'cause of what a horse's ass Lauren [understandably] thinks he is...and when Brody asks if this means he won't be partying with the guys anymore, Spencer chuckles about having a 'homeboy phone' separate from his 'girlfriend phone' so he can continue to hit the clubs hassle-free. He mumblingly pronounces in that weird way he talks without moving his lips, "I was born to play, dawg, that's what I do" - OMFG - and Brody chortles at Playboy Spence and predicts that his wild-oat-sowing playboy ways are going to push him outa his new love nest soooo fast. Lauren phones Whitney in New York to tell her that Heidi is moving in with Spencer. Whitney's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and says they'll have to discuss the matter in greater detail once she returns to L.A. tomorrow morning. Lauren returns home to find Heidi packing up her stuff. When Heidi announces she's moving out today, a startled Lauren's all, "Wuh? Today?" ... and Heidi's all, "Um, d'yuh" and says she really wants to put in the effort to maintain their friendship by getting together a lot, e.g. tacos every Tuesday. Lauren just kind of shrugs and points out that she's pretty much been MIA from their friendship this entire season, to which Heidi says she doesn't want this to be the end for them. Lauren replies, "It might be though, Heidi" and says it's nice she's going to live with someone she loves...but since he's such a ginormous fucktwat, she really shouldn't expect to be able to have both of them in her life. After Spencer finishes loading Heidi's stuff into the moving truck, Lauren tells Heidi she can always come back from the dark side if things don't work out. The two then hug and exchange I love yous before Heidi climbs into the passenger seat of the truck. Spencer remarks on her serious aura and assures her she won't regret this decision...and a glum Heidi mutely gazes at Lauren via the rearview mirror as the truck slowly pulls away from Hillside Villas. At Bolthouse Productions, Heidi tells Elodie she's thrown all good sense to the wind and moved in with Spencer. Elodie stares at her incredulously before exclaiming, "After all of my grown up advice to you?!" Heidi happily gabbles that she's cooking dinner for her beloved tonight...after she buys some pots, pans, and dishware. Elodie ambles back to her workstation, shaking her head in utter disbelief. Lauren returns home to celebrate the arrival of her new roommate - Audrina! - with pizza and a bottle of exploding champagne. Over at Casa Dumbfuck, Spencer tells Heidi he's still a bit irked that it took her so long to agree to move in with him...and Heidi tells him he should be grateful she did, given that she disregarded her policy of implementing a two year waiting period before cohabitation. She warns, "Don't make me regret this", and he just stares back at her blankly...and as the camera pans out, Heidi stares vacantly into space as a bored looking Spencer starts fiddling with his cell phone. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Lisa Love announces to Lauren and Whitney that their next assignment will be to work amid Vogue editor-at-large André Leon Talley who's coming to town - hurray! - to commentate on famous Oscar gowns during a live Good Morning America segment...and adds that Emily Super Intern will be putting in another guest appearance to model one of the gowns. After the meeting wraps up, Whitney stays behind to remind Lisa that she'll be graduating from UCLA soon and wanted to ask "in what realm" of Teen Vogue she might possibly become a paid employee. Lisa informs her that there's a vacancy for Fashion Contributor for which she, along with various other interns (e.g. Emily), has the requisite credentials and closet office experience. Whitney tells Lauren about the job opportunity and says she really really wants to prove herself worthy by doing a superb job at the upcoming Good Morning America shoot. Over dinner at Don Antonio's, Spencer tells Heidi he finds it ironic that he found himself toasting Lauren during her surprise birthday party...then adds that Lauren probably hated the toast - which is all part of his devious plan 'cause he intended it to come across as mean. Heidi breezily chides her man-child of a boyfriend's dickitude before the conversation once again shifts to the subject of them moving in together. She warns that there can never be another playmate incident, to which Spencer insists he loves her sooooo much more now than when he canoodled with the bosomy blondes during the Who Do You Trust? episode. When Heidi looks visibly skeptical, he stares back at her incredulously and snappishly asks, "You don't trust me?", and Heidi responds by literally throwing her hands in the air and muttering, "I don't even know what to say to that." [Suggested response: "Mmm, nope."] Good Morning America! Lawren Howell - ack! - is lecturing Whitney and Lauren in her usual bitchy manner about how they're to eliminate as much chaos as possible during the preparation of the segment. Emily arrives, warmly greets Lauren and Whitney, and the three gush about being in the presence of so many stunning Oscar gowns. After that, Lisa Love arrives with André Leon Talley, who squeals with delight during the fittings and rehearsal. He mistakenly assumes that Whitney is one of the models...and when he's told that she's a Teen Vogue intern, he scrunches his face perplexedly, tells her she missed her calling, and suggests she try on the backless Guy Laroche gown made famous by Hilary Swank in 2005. When Whitney emerges looking model thin and TV-ready, he decrees that she is to be included in the live segment. Emily, meanwhile, looks less than thrilled by Talley's gushy complimenting of Whitney as a natural runway beauty, and by the prospect of having to share the spotlight with a fellow intern. As André Leon Talley starts commentating on each of the Oscar gowns chosen for the segment, the four models descend a giant staircase...and Whitney suddenly topples over to the side, but swiftly pops back up weeble-like and manages to regain her composure. During the commercial break, Talley tells a red-faced Whitney not to worry about taking a spill on live TV, and jokingly adds that it's a great way to kickstart her modelling career. As she tears up in embarrassment, Lauren rushes over and gives her a reassuring hug, tells her she looked gorgeous in the Hilary Swank-wear, and insists that her brief moment of toppling over wasn't really all that bad...and should have added that anyone who happened to catch it on TV will likely forget about it within the next ten minutes. The next day at Teen Vogue, Lisa tells Whitney she did a great job modelling, and that her tripping mishap was embraced as more of an endearing moment than a cringy embarrassment. She passes along the notes of encouragement sent by Amy Astley and Anna Wintour, who applauded her ability to recover quickly and maintain her dignity. Whitney breathes a sigh of relief and says she's just happy she didn't embarrass the magazine - before Lisa changes the subject to the vacant position of Fashion Contributor. She says the interview will take place in Amy Astley's New York office, and that she (Lisa) will be giving her a strong recommendation. Later, Lauren and Whitney meet up with Audrina at Lulu's Café to rehash Whitney's fall and then gabble about her (hopefully) new role as Teen Vogue Fashion Contributor, which apparently will be tasked with supervising all the interns. Lauren tells Whitney she hopes she gets the job, 'cause if Emily's her new boss, she'll have no choice but to quit Teen Vogue in protest. Spencer summons Heidi to meet him for another of their in-car tête-à-têtes. He irritably reminds her about their unresolved living situation, and complains about being soooo over her not being as ready as he is for them to move in together. Heidi points out that it's a big decision and that she has to carefully consider how this move will affect all aspects of her life...then ultimately tells him her answer is no. Spencer stares despondently into space for a few seconds before replying, "Sweet. My answer is 'get outa my car'", and Heidi hastily exits the car, slams the passenger door, and glares after the rude douchewad as he squeals off. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
THE HILLS HOMEPAGERecapper: Isabel K. French
Your contributions help keep the site ad-free
|
Television of Yore
Snide recaps of television's most entertaining classics recapper@televisionofyore.com |
|