Recap: Carrie voice-overs about the change of seasons and the crisp air that's starting to blow in through her bedroom window at night. She gets up to fetch an extra blanket and tucks herself back into bed, then decides to give Mr. Big a call. The two...ugh...start up with their annoying repartee, which entails him telling her she sounds like Princess Grace of Monaco, and then admitting that he's a very bad boy 'cause he's smoking a cigarette in bed. Carrie tells him she's feeling lonely and asks if she can stop by for a visit...and when he perks up at the prospect of a late night booty call, she primly clarifies that this will be a fully clothed visit strictly for the purpose of keeping each other company. In the next scene, Carrie arrives at Big's doorstep with a takeout pizza and saucily shrieks, "Get it while it's hot!" ... then enters his apartment and stares around in mute shock when she finds it completely devoid of furniture. Big sheepishly explains that he just bought a vineyard in Napa, where he'll be, uh, moving on Monday afternoon...and Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" as her discombobulated brain processes this life-altering news. She asks him what would have happened if she hadn't called him tonight...e.g. would he have quietly left New York without telling her? (That would be my guess.) He assures her he would have called her with the news. Well, eventually. Carrie says he can't possibly leave New York 'cause the Chrysler building is here (?), then nonsensically points out that the building would be all wrong in a vineyard. Big just shrugs and says he's tired of New York, and Carrie wittily retorts, "If you're tired you take a napa, you don't move to Napa" then mumbles about how badly she needs a cocktail. She lowers her keister onto a box...and ends up falling through the center of it, which causes Big to dissolve into a fit of giggles. Samantha is lounging in Richard's bed, looking irked. When Richard finally arrives home, she snarks at him for being three hours late...and since she had nothing better to do with herself all evening than anxiously await his arrival, she ate half a box of chocolates and threatens to blame him if her over-snacking results in unsightly cellulite. He tells he got held up at the hotel and couldn't get to a phone, and Samantha poutishly says she doesn't appreciate being kept waiting, especially when she has a gift for him. She then presents him with a large wrapped parcel, which turns out to be an abstract painting with three red hearts. Richard seems less than impressed by the gift, but dutifully gives her a thank you smooch. Carrie's browsing through Big's vinyl record collection and comes across a Henry Mancini album. As Big puts the record on his player and forwards the needle to Moon River, Carrie scoffs at how corny Moon River is. Big chides her bitchitude and tells her it's not corny, it's classic, then invites her to dance with him. The two lean in close and look like they're about to inch toward the bedroom and start getting it on...but the spell is abruptly broken when Moon River starts skipping. Carrie calls it a night, thanks Big for the company, and tells him to keep Sunday night open 'cause she'd like to give him a proper New York send-off. During brunch with the gigolas, Carrie sighs about Big's imminent departure and how it's the end of an era. Samantha says she's always surprised when people leave New York and asks, "Where do they go?" and Miranda wryly replies, "The real world." Carrie polls the gals to gauge their feelings about her indulging in some "going-out-of-business" sex with Big, and Miranda promptly barks, "No!" while Samantha pronounces that one-time sex with an ex is downright depressing. Charlotte asks Carrie if she isn't afraid of being pulled into "all that Big stuff" again, and Carrie looks miffed that her friends don't seem to appreciate how drastically she's matured over the last two seasons. She says she now feels safe around Big, and somehow thinks of him as "this great man in my life". Charlotte says it's a shame Big is leaving town 'cause she always figured that he and Carrie would end up together - but Miranda makes a blech face and says she always assumed Aidan was the one. Charlotte shifts the conversation to herself and says she hasn't had sex since her breakup with Trey...and Samantha looks aghast at the length of that dry spell and urges her to get on that asap. Carrie's in her apartment, tapping away on her computer about fate, destiny, and how she "can't help but wonder" what happens to people who unwittingly wander off-course. She types out 'can you make a mistake and miss your fate?' then stares contemplatively into space as if she just stumbled upon one of the secrets of the universe. Charlotte is docenting at the Museum of Modern Art, gabbling about Monet to a small tour group. One of the groupsters, a dork named Eric, chats smittenly with Charlotte and invites her to dinner - but she tells him she's newly separated and not ready to date yet. As she moves on to the scribbly works of Jackson Pollock, she happens to spot Trey and Bunny wandering around the museum. She's all, "Ack!" and urges her tour group to move along quickly to the opposite side of the museum, then hastily tells Eric she'd be delighted to go to dinner with him Miranda and Steve have joined forces to assemble a crib for their soon-to-arrive spawn. She tells him she was thinking of naming the baby Danny, and he nods approvingly and says he definitely likes the sound of that. He tears up while remarking on how touching it is that they're working together to build something for little Danny, and Miranda growls at him for getting emotional in her presence. Samantha is forcibly smooching Richard, but he swats her away and tells her he's got paperwork to do. She angrily snarks that if he wants out of this wretched relationship he should just say so, then starts railing about how he hasn't hung up the hearts painting she gave him and that at lunch today she saw him get into a cab with a woman wearing "fuck me" heels...much like the kind she and her gigola friends are always tottering around in. Richard tells her that the woman is a business associate, promises to hang the hearts painting soon, and assures her that he doesn't want out of their wretched relationship...but sternly adds, "But if you do, this is a good way to go." Samantha contritely apologizes for her clingy nuttiness and says she totally buys the line he's feeding her. Samantha tells Carrie she's pretty sure that Richard is "plowing someone else" and that she's going to put on a realistic new wig she just bought from the Raquel Welch wig line so she can stalk him, catch him in the act, and cause maximum humiliation for everyone involved. Carrie spots an overly fussy looking pair of designer pink stilettos being showcased in a store window, gasps in wonderment at their ruffley ornateness, and coos, "Hello lover." She tells Samantha she's going to need to blow her money on those fugly things for her Big night on the town. So much for her commitment to stop throwing money away on frivolous shit so she can repay her 30K mortgage downpayment loan to Charlotte. Charlotte is on a dinner date with Eric, and the two exchange boring chit-chat about their exes, blah blah. After dinner, she brings him over to her apartment...and when he sees the luxurious MacDougal pad, he's all, "Whoa!" and asks if her ex-husband was a king. He tells her he lives in a shitty studio, then natters miserably to himself about how he can never find a woman who's in his low economic bracket. A dismayed Charlotte tells him she's not feeling well and that he should leave asap. Carrie tells Miranda she's officially given herself permission to doink Big before he jets off to California. When Miranda's spawn suddenly gives her a good swift kick from inside the womb, she tells Carrie she's plenty freaked about giving birth, and that she'd like her to be in the delivery room to keep her company and also to prevent anyone from getting overly emotional or too cheerleadery. On Sunday night, Carrie and Big are enjoying a hansom cab ride through Central Park...and when he complains about it being corny, she grinningly tells him it's classic. She asks him if he's going to miss New York, and he's like, "Nah" - but then throws her a bone and claims he'll definitely miss her. The two lean in and lock lips - just as Carrie's cell phone (that Miranda gave to her in the event that she unexpectedly goes into labor this episode) starts ringing. And sure enough, it's Miranda calling to tell her she's in labor and on her way to Mount Sinai Hospital. Big offers a wad of cash to the hansom cab driver to quickly trot his horse over to 101st Street. When they arrive at the hospital, Carrie tells Big they can still get together for one last romp before his flight, and the two agree to meet at 2pm tomorrow. After Carrie climbs out of the carriage, Big calls out her name...and she turns around and stares back at him with a nauseatingly smug look on her face that seems to radiate: my delicate beauty is so utterly mesmerizing that clearly this man could not keep himself from gazing at my ethereal loveliness one last time. Big just gives her an inscrutable wink...and then a few seconds later, the hansom cab horse starts to trot off. Carrie whirls around and skips toward the hospital in her stupid pink shoes. Miranda is pacing her hospital room, desperately trying to get her water to break. When Carrie breezes in, Miranda wanks her by moaning, "You look pretttttty" ... and then a few minutes breaks her water all over Carrie's pink stilettos. Bwahahaha! While Miranda undergoes labor, Samantha puts on her short brown Rachel Welch wig, a pair of dark sunglasses, and follows Richard as he leaves the office and gets into a cab. Samantha hops into the cab behind his orders the driver to follow him...and she ends up at Richard's apartment, where she promptly catches him going down on a pretty young brunette. Samantha bursts into the bedroom and shrieks, "You bastard!" ... and when Richard realizes who the hell she is once she's taken off her sunglasses, he sheepishly says, "It's just sex" and insists that he loves her. Samantha picks up the hearts painting he still hasn't hung up yet, then smashes it onto the floor and cries, "Now your heart's broken too!" and storms out of the apartment, sobbing. Seems like an exaggerated overreaction for someone who spent Seasons 1-3 scoffing at the very notion of a monogamous relationship. Miranda clutches Carrie's hand as she makes one final push to bring her spawn into the world. An emotional Steve hands the baby to Carrie, who then hands him to Miranda...and she stares down at the tiny tot in wonderment and murmurs, "It's weird...like there's suddenly a giraffe in the room." When Steve starts referring to him as Danny, Miranda tells him she's decided she'd rather name him Brady...I guess, as in Brady Hobbes. I'll assume they keep his surname Hobbes even after Miranda marries Steve, 'cause otherwise he'd be saddled with the name Brady Brady. Carrie rushes toward the hospital exit, hopeful that there's still a window of opportunity for her and Big to hook up. She finds Charlotte sitting in the waiting room and gives her a quick update...and a few seconds later Samantha arrives, still donning her short haired wig. When Carrie reports that Miranda just delivered her son, Samantha bitterly snarks about the crappiness of another male coming into the world...and Carrie's like, "OK, whatever" and points at Charlotte and tells her she'll give her more of a detailed update about Baby Hobbes. If she actually gives a rat's ass, that is. When Carrie arrives at Big's apartment - and is somehow able to let herself into the building as well as his unit - she finds it empty, save for the Henry Mancini record. On it, Big left a note attached that reads 'if you ever feel lonely' ... and when Carrie picks up an accompanying envelop, she's delighted to see that it contains a round trip plane ticket to California and a note that reads 'if I ever feel lonely'. Carrie ambles down a city street, spacily gazing up at the falling leaves. She bends down and picks one up, stares at it as if she's never experienced autumn before, then voice-overs about how a new season had begun. She then yammers about how people's mistakes determine their fate, and that people come and go into your life, blah blah, and that the ones you love are always in your heart. Or a plane ride away. Farewell, Season 4. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: Carrie has chopped off several inches of her ratty, over-processed hair (though it doesn't make much of an improvement in her overall skankitude) and is purposefully strutting down the street in a navy pin-striped suit while voice-overing that she's on her way to Vogue after having submitted her first freelance article to the editor. When she arrives at the meeting, the unimpressed editor, played by Candice Bergen, stares with horrified incredulity at Carrie's article, then shakes her head and mutters, "This isn't Vogue." Her flunky assistant (or whoever), Julian, tries to soften the harshness of her words, but Candice Bergen insists she absolutely really does hate Carrie's shittastic writing style...and when she flips over to the second page, we see the many edits she made in red ink. She reminds a stupefied looking Carrie that she was supposed to write about accessories, not men, and that it's clear she doesn't have a clue about either. She adds that the article seems no different from her usual raunch, and that she's merely inserted the word style where the word sex used to appear. She says that no one cares about her agenda or her incessant I couldn't help but wonder-isms and that she wants to see "less Carrie Bradshaw and more 'carry this bag with these shoes'". Bwahahahaha! That scene was pure awesome. After Candice Bergen heads out for a lunch date, Julian hangs with Carrie in his office. He calls her cookie and warns her that working in the publishing world requires a tough hide and a dry martini, then pours each of them a glass. He gushes about how much he loooooves her column, says she has vision, and thought she'd be a natural for Vogue. He's mad as a hatter, this flunky. A little while later, Carrie has gotten drunk on her dry martini and blames her low alcohol tolerance on her no-breakfast regimen and being a teeny tiny size 2. She rails about how cocky she was when she was hired as a Vogue freelancer and arrogantly thought she knew it all...then waves an arm in the air for dramatic effect, which results in her spilling her dry martini everywhere. She contorts her horsey face into an expression of exaggerated sheepishness and whispers, "I spilled at Vogue" and Julian tells her it's probably time she went home now. He escorts her to the nearest exit, but is unable to keep the nitwit from tripping over her own feet and making a drunken spectacle of herself in front of at least a dozen Vogue employees. Samantha and Richard are dining together at a swanky restaurant. She asks him what he'd like for his birthday...and when he says he's not really into celebrating it, she tells him it'd be fun for him to want something decadent and naughty. Cue Alexa, the hot blonde waitress, who comes by their table to tell them she took the liberty of pre-ordering them a chocolate soufflé in case they're in the mood for something sweet, then wanks them about how they're the most attractive couple in the restaurant. Richard chews on that compliment for a few seconds, then tells Samantha he just thought of what he'd like for his birthday: an all night, non-stop, championship fuckfest with her...and Alexa. Samantha pretends that his birthday request isn't a devastating blow to her fragile ego and promises to get right on it. At brunch, Samantha asks Carrie and Charlotte if a three-way with a twenty-one year old blonde hottie would be a bad idea for Richard's birthday...and when Carrie and Charlotte just stare back at her in appalled horror, she says if she declines the three-way, Richard will just cheat on her on his own. Miranda rushes in late and tells the gals she was out shopping for a stroller, then complains about how overwhelmed she is with all the baby stuff she has to buy before her spawn is born during the season finale. Charlotte says that the most efficient way to get all the baby stuff she needs would be to have a baby shower, then offers to throw her one in her Park Avenue pad. Miranda asks her if she'd really want to do that after all of her (failed) rabid babymaking attempts with Trey, but Charlotte insists it'd be good for her. Miranda asks who would even attend (besides the four of them) and Samantha snarks, "All the bitches that made you go to theirs" which got a genuine snicker out of me...'cause, yep, when it comes to attending baby showers, turnabout is definitely fair play. Miranda reluctantly agrees to the shower, but sternly decrees that there not be anything cutesy or storky associated with it, and that the snacks include fried chicken. In preparation of the shower, Charlotte hires a team of painters to come by her apartment and paint over the cloud mural in the spare room formerly known as the nursery. Carrie meets up with Julian for dinner to tell him she's decided to not finish her article for Vogue, now that she's been called out by Candice Bergen for the talentless raunch writer she is. Julian says he can't let her quit and asks her what her father would say 'bout that, so she sadly tells him that her father quit her and her mother when she was a little girl. Julian remarks on how interesting it is that her father left without answers, and she now spends her life writing sex-centric dreck for a tabloid rag - I mean asking questions about men. He then offers to arrange things at Vogue so that she only deals with him (and not Candice Bergen) and Carrie mulls that over and agrees to give it a go. Back in her apartment, Carrie ponders the notion of fatherhood and stares at an old black and white photo of herself and her deadbeat dad. After babbling some voice-overed nonsense that my brain involuntarily tuned out, she taps on her computer: how much does a father figure figure? Miranda is on a conference call when she gets beeped by her secretary to tell her that Charlotte York is calling with an emergency...and Charlotte's "emergency" is that she (Miranda) forgot to include a bunch of important stuff on her baby shower registry, like a Manhattan whoozit, peek ball, and marzipan baby carriage with an edible baby. Mmm...marzipan. Miranda snaps that she's on a conference call, sternly reminds Charlotte that she's forbidden from including anything cutesy or stork-themed in her shower, and irritably hangs up on her so she can get back to her lawyering. Samantha returns to the restaurant where she and Richard had dined to invite Alexa to guest star in hers and Richard's three-way...and Alexa perks up and somehow looks into hitting the sheets with the creepy older couple. Charlotte drops by Miranda's apartment to discuss baby proofing and the placement of all the baby furniture and paraphernalia she's soon going to have. Miranda gets irked at her for pointing out all the things she's doing badly, and Charlotte chides her for not being more willing to let people help her. She then breaks the news that there won't be any fried chicken at the shower 'cause she (Miranda) was the only one who wanted all that breading. (She knows this how? Did she poll the invitees?) Miranda is dismayed by the chicken-free menu, then is even more dismayed when she hears about the Fiji mum stork centerpiece that Charlotte ordered. When she threatens to boycott the dumb thing altogether, Charlotte shoots her the stink-eye and tells her she'd better show up and not leave her stuck entertaining Carrie, Samantha, and a bunch of boring lawyers. Miranda goes over to Carrie's apartment to commiserate about what a terrible mother she's going to be - well duh - and tells her the sad tale about when she was thirteen and dropped her niece on her head 'cause she got bored with babysitting. Plus, she currently works fifty hours a week and has no father figure to offer the poor spawn. Carrie shifts the conversation back to herself to ask if she's always going to be so hopelessly screwed up about men 'cause her dad walked out on her, but Miranda points out that her that her dad faithfully came home for dinner every night, but she's just as hopelessly screwed up about men as Carrie. Which is saying a lot. Miranda shows up for her baby shower in a grumpy mood, but perks up when she sees the big plate of fried chicken that Charlotte broke down and ordered for her. A few minutes later, Samantha and Carrie arrive lugging a four tiered baby cake made entirely of diapers. Later, when Miranda's lawyer friends are all in attendance at the shower, Samantha chooses that moment to tell Carrie she can fuck Alexa under the table and boasts, "I have tricks she hasn't even seen" ... and instead of reminding her that they're at a fucking baby shower with a large group of Miranda's professional work colleagues, Carrie chuckles and quips, "Those Trix aren't for kids." One of the mothers has to pee, so she hands Miranda her baby in order to give her a preview of baby-minding...but Miranda quickly bores of keeping an eye on him and sets him down on the couch, from which he would have slipped and fallen on his head were it not for Carrie catching him in time. Miranda opens one of her gifts, which turns out to be a silver rattle...and Charlotte tears up and says it looks just like the rattle Trey gave to her when they were trying to have a baby, then bursts into tears and runs out of the room. A few seconds later, Miranda enters her bedroom to remind her that she has twenty guests in her living room and therefore should probably buck up and resume her hostessing duties, then coos at her about how she's going to need her expert help once the baby arrives. As the two chat about all the little extras that are included with the diaper cake, Carrie enters the room with the baby she prevented from sliding off the couch and tells Miranda she's going to need to use one of her diaper cake diapers to change the wet little gaffer. A few seconds later, Samantha enters the room and says they need to hurry up and cut the cake 'cause she has a three-way to get to. Over at Casa Wright, Samantha lectures Alexa about how she needs to fully grasp that tonight is purely about sex, not love. She tells her that kissing Richard on the mouth is off limits - just as a shirtless Richard enters the room and suggestively asks, "Who's up for champagne?" Alexa says she's up for anything and strips off her top, and Samantha looks put out by her youthful counterpart's hotness and defiantly strips off her top. As the three-way gets underway, Samantha monopolizes Richard and repeatedly shoves Alexa off of the bed, making her fall hard onto the floor. Richard chuckles in amusement at the display of catty jealousy and coos, "Easy, there's enough of me to go around." Alexa poutishly retorts, "You tell her, daddy" which immediately puts Richard off 'cause he doesn't take kindly to women half his age (who he's about to doink) making him feel old on his birthday. He mutters to Samantha to get rid of the young tart, and she's like, "I'm on it" and continues to shove Alexa off of the bed. It remains unclear why Alexa doesn't just get dressed and make a run for it. As Samantha and Richard bask in the afterglow of the thwarted three-way, she asks him if there's anything else he'd like for his birthday. He says no, and that he's satisfied enough just doinking her...so much so that from now on he'd like their relationship to be monogamous. She happily chirps, "OK!" Over at Vogue, Carrie and Julian are celebrating the completion of Carrie's first article...and when he asks her how she usually celebrates the publication of her work, she tells him she likes to blow all of her earnings on shoes and purses. Which explains how she ended up broke and needed to pawn Charlotte's engagement ring in order to avoid homelessness. Julian offers to sneak her into the Vogue accessories closet...and Carrie squeals with joy when she sees the racks of designer shoes and cries, "This is too much! How can this beeeee?!" She picks up a pair of black shoes, stares at them in wonderment, and tells Julian they're Manolo Mary Janes she thought were an urban shoe myth. Julian says he's off to pillage the men's section...and after a few minutes he calls her over to check him out in his Versace briefs. Carrie rushes over to where he's standing with his pants pulled down around his ankles, is all, "Wha-a?", and tells him to please put his pants back on. He refuses and just stands there pantsless as he sadly relays the news that his wife is having an affair...and that she (Carrie) has some serious man issues, and that an older man - such as himself - could help her work through her daddy issues. Carrie makes it clear she's not interested and snaps, "Pants up! Show some respect. This is Vogue." Carrie decides to go back to working directly with Candice Bergen, who's now complaining that her writing positively reeks of her. Bwahahaha! She asks Carrie what the hell she knows about shoes, and Carrie stops her and concedes that while she may know absolutely nothing about men, when it comes to overpriced designer shoes she can barely afford on her meager salary, that she does know. Candice Bergen laughs heartily as Carrie toddles behind her and voice-overs about how smugly pleased with herself she is that she didn't quit her implausibly lucrative freelance job. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie is futzing with her toilet, which has started to mysteriously flush itself for no reason. Aidan announces that he's finished packing up his shit and is ready to exit her life forever (yipppeeee!!)...but when he hears the flushing noises in her bathroom, he offers to take a look. He pokes around the tank part of the toilet and tells Carrie that the ballcock just needed adjusting...and Carrie stares back at him mournfully and says that their last words to each other can't be ballcock, and implores him to stay. He reminds her that they already hashed all this out at the end of the previous episode, and that he's sooooo ready to move on from this soul-sucking relationship. Carrie tells him she left her diamond engagement ring on the table...and when he graciously tells her she can keep it (crazy talk, in my opinion) she tearfully insists he take it and begs him to not say or do one more nice thing. She tells him she's going to stay in the bathroom so she doesn't have to watch him walk out the door for the last time...then lowers her keister onto the floor and somehow manages to languish there for the next three hours. When she finally emerges from the bathroom, she sees that Aidan has left her a thick envelop with her name scrawled across it. Naturally, she assumes it's a heartfelt 'farewell, I shall always love ye, Carrie' letter...so she grabs a box of tissues and settles into her big leather chair in preparation for the tearful reading. I laughed out loud when the letter turns out to be legal documents from the law firm of Gold and Vogel regarding his ownership of her now co-op apartment. At the next brunch summit, Miranda looks over the documents and explains to her nitwitted friend that Aidan is giving her thirty days to either vacate (so he can sell the apartment) or buy it from him for the exact price he paid. When Samantha snarls about how tacky it is for Aidan to be evicting Carrie, Miranda argues that he's not technically evicting her and that the request is more than fair...and therefore so much more than she deserves. Carrie bristles at the word vacate and self-piteously whines that she's about to become a Fendi bag lady. Charlotte suggests she buy her place, but Carrie nixes that idea (as if it's even an option with her finances being in the state they're in) and pronounces that New York is a city of renters...but then the gigolas point out that of the four of them, she's the only one who rents. Carrie points out to Charlotte that she snagged her multi-million dollar Park Avenue apartment by bullying Bunny into changing the prenup so she'd be a million dollars richer in the event of an inevitable divorce, but Charlotte insists, "Oh, I paid for that apartment" and widens her eyes as if spending a year and a half married to a dorkish but otherwise pleasant doctor who committed the sin of no longer wanting to try for a baby entitles her to a premium piece of Manhattan real estate she'd never be able to afford on her own. Miranda lets out a loud, stinky fart and says she can no longer hold it in - and Samantha holds her nose and tells her to try 'cause it's unappetizing. She then pulls out a lovely Chanel wallet to pay for the brunch...and when the gals oooh and awww over the elegant accessory, she tells them it was a gift from Richard. Charlotte chirps, "He is in love with you!" but Samantha argues he's not, and that he signed the card 'Style for style. Best, Richard'. She glumly adds, "It's like signing 'not love'" and says he's only ever generous with his money. Carrie shifts the conversation back to herself and says that Aidan wanted her to keep the diamond engagement ring...and Charlotte goes, "You did, didn't you?" but Carrie shakes her head. Samantha calls her a fool, but she insists it was the right thing to do and that if she'd kept it, it would have broken her heart every time she looked at it. Charlotte brings her diamond ring to a jeweller to look into repurposing it. The overeager salesgirl tells her they could turn it into a necklace, pendant, or earrings...then shows off her earrings, which was once a baguette engagement ring given to her by her ex-husband, who she says turned out to be a "fag-uette". Yeesh, writers. Carrie is at her bank to see about getting a loan for the downpayment of her apartment, which I thought was hilariously optimistic of her. The bank lady looks her up on the computer and quickly determines that she currently has $700 in her checking account and $957 in savings...and nothing else. Carrie tries to connect with her on a human level and tells her the sad story about how she just broke up with her fiancé and now has twenty-five days to either vacate her apartment or scrape together a downpayment out of thin air. The bank lady asks her if she has any other income besides whatever meagre salary she must be earning as a raunch columnist: stocks? bonds? property? and Carrie's like, "No, no, and no" but says she was once chosen as New York Magazine's Best Pick for City Columnist. Linda shoots her an incredulous, you shittin' me? stare, then comes right out and tells her she's not a desirable candidate for a loan. Carrie responds by shrugging in the annoyingly self-piteous way she continues to do throughout the rest of the episode. Carrie ambles over to the nearest bus stop and asks a random woman how much bus fare is...and when she tells her it's a dollar fifty, Carrie says that for three more dollars she could hop into a cab. I cannot fathom how these SATC women get around in Manhattan completely shunning all forms of public transportation. A bus pulls up and just happens to have that grisly banner advertisement featuring Carrie contorting her horsey face in a sultry expression while wearing a pink underwear dress...and the random woman is all, "Wha-a? Why do you have to take the bus if you're on the bus? and Carrie nods and mumbles, "My thoughts exactly." Carrie taps out her weekly dreck, pondering her status as a single, thirty-five year old woman who has zero financial security (due to years of reckless squandering that no one held a gun to her head and forced upon her), but many life experiences. She incredulously asks, "Did that mean nothing?" then natters about how heartbreak and breakups are hard work...and - without a scrap of common sense or self-examination - actually ponders aloud to viewers, "Shouldn't there be some sort of credit for enduring them?" As her possessed toilet starts self-flushing again, she reflects on her failed relationship with Aidan from which she only has "war wounds and self doubt" and wonders, "What's it all worth?", then stares contemplatively into space. Charlotte is calling various art galleries to see if any of them are hiring - but none of them are. She then cheers herself up by putting on her diamond engagement ring and wandering around her apartment. Richard presents Samantha with yet another trinket, but urges her to read the card before she rips the box open. She's less than thrilled when it reads 'Sexy for sexy. Best, Richard'. Carrie, who's dressed in a see-through white sundress so we get an eyeful of the outline of her granny panties, is accompanying Miranda to a shoe store so she can find something that will accommodate her swelling feet. Carrie whines about it being torture to be in a shoe store and not be able to buy anything...so she gathers up a bunch of stilettos, hands them to a sales clerk, and says she'd like to try them on - but that he is not, under any circumstances, to allow her to purchase any of them 'cause she's just trying them on for fun. He glares at her with disdain and mutters, "How fun for me." Haha! Miranda lets out a muffled fart, apologizes for the stench, and tells Carrie that in addition to being a gassy, unsightly mess, she's never been so horny in her life...and that it's sucky she's not married to someone who's obligated to doink her. She calls herself an undesirable - but Carrie says, "No, I am" and tells her about how the bank lady told her she was not a desirable candidate for a loan...which I actually thought was a more than diplomatic way of chastising her for being an irresponsible moron who can't be trusted to pay back a loan. She scrunches her horsey face confusedly and wonders where all the money she's earned over the past ten years could have gone. Miranda points at the designer shoe she's clutching and says that at $400 a pair - and Carrie cheekily admits to owning over one hundred pairs (holy fucking crap) - so Miranda says, "A hundred times four hundred. There's your downpayment." Carrie can't do math in her head, so she thinks that that only equates to $4,000, but Miranda says it adds up to, uh, $40,000. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" as she finally confronts the horror of her pathological spending on frivolous shit and quips, "I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes." (Well, not literally.) Miranda responds by farting again, which I thought was a fitting way to end a scene that left me shaking my head in utter incredulity and muttering obscenities at the TV screen. Carrie has hired a real estate agent to take her house hunting, and she's unhappy with the apartment she's currently being shown 'cause of the tiny closet and curry stench coming from the Indian restaurant directly below. She bewilderedly asks the agent how a dump like this could possibly cost $2,800 a month when she's currently paying $750 for a place that has no curry stench and is twice the size. When the agent crisply suggests she stay in her rent-controlled apartment, Carrie grumbles that it's not an option then bitchily asks, "What other shitholes are you showing me today?" The agent somehow refrains from smacking her and says that with her attitude and price limitations, she should look into Weehawken. Bwahaha! Carrie puts on a white suit with a flouncy skirt and matching gloves and sashays over to Mr. Big's office to drop some not-so-subtle hints about how desperately she needs a cash infusion. After their usual obnoxious flirty repartee, Carrie tells him she's here "in an official capacity" and says she once read that he borrowed $3 million and used it to leverage a $100 million dollar building. She asks how he did that, 'fesses up about her breakup with Aidan, and informs him she's broke. When she pitifully squeaks, "I'm worth nothing", he retorts, "You're worth a million bucks, Bradshaw" and assures her she's going to be OK...and by OK, he means he's fully aware that she's here with her hand out, and since he's fabulously wealthy he's going to stroke her a check for $30,000 so she won't have to forlornly wander the streets while dragging along her belongings in a shopping cart. While out for dinner in Chinatown, Carrie tells the gals that Big gave her a huge handout to use for her downpayment and asks if she should take it. Charlotte is shocked that Big would just hand over $30,000 no questions asked, but Miranda advises against keeping it 'cause it would give him all the control. (Not that I care, but I'm not sure that this theory applies if the two aren't in a relationship.) Miranda and Samantha offer to loan Carrie the money, but Carrie declines - not least 'cause Miranda is about to have a baby - and declares that she's going to figure her own way out of this self-inflicted mess...and says this while glaring at Charlotte, who's loudly sipping soda out of her straw and doing her best to avoid making eye contact. Carrie dramatically rips up Big's check, and then Charlotte changes the subject and announces that she just got a job as a docent at the Museum of Modern Art. Carrie perks up and asks what that pays 'cause she's pretty sure she can "docent", and Charlotte explains that it's a voluntary (but highly coveted) position at the museum. Carrie paces around her apartment, miffed about having to vacate the apartment she's lived in for the last ten years. She suddenly gets irrationally angry - not at herself for spending money like a drunken sailor for an entire decade - but at Charlotte for not offering to loan her the 30K. Carrie storms over to Charlotte's apartment and blurts out, "Why didn't you offer me the money?" then immediately claims she wouldn't have accepted it and sanctimoniously says that if the situation were reversed she would have offered it to her. When Charlotte says that money and friendship don't mix, Carrie admits she's aware that she has some "financial messiness" which needs to get mopped up asap, which is why she's actively looking into getting some freelance work at Vogue...'cause, yeah, that's plausible. She admonishes Charlotte for avoiding making eye contact with her at the Chinese restaurant while she was bellyaching about her money woes, then bitches about how annoying it is that she's volunteering as a docent when she doesn't even have to work. Charlotte shoots her a hard stare and says it's not her job to fix the clusterfuck of a financial turdpile she's created for herself by binge-shopping, and points out that she's a thirty-five woman who should learn to stand on her own, especially since the writers are constantly trying to pass the four of them off as independent, smart, savvy women. Carrie suddenly notices that Charlotte is wearing her engagement ring and chides her for having the gall to lecture her about being independent...and Charlotte barks back that it's her ring and she can wear it if she wants to. (Actually, it's Trey's ring, since he was the one who went to Tiffany's and shelled out his hard earned cash for the overpriced thing...but that's a whole other can of worms). Charlotte says the only reason she's volunteering at the museum is 'cause no one will hire her, and that apparently she has too much experience. Carrie back pedals and mutters about how she got herself all worked up on the way over, then whines about how the stilettos she stupidly wore to storm over to Park Avenue are too tight and pinch her feet. She grumbles, "I'm in a financial cul-de-sac" then self-piteously adds that she's going to take the bus, and just hopes the giant ad with her ugly mug and pink underwear dress isn't on the side of it. Well duh. That's an eyesore none of us needs to see again. A naked Samantha is strutting around Richard's apartment when she encounters his assistant in the living room. They both get startled and scream...and Samantha modestly wraps a towel around herself as if for the last four seasons she hasn't been totally comfortable parading around nude in front of whoever might be remotely interested in getting a long gander of her naughties. The assistant introduces himself as Roger, tells her he's gay, and that he's Richard's personal shopper...which means he spends his days running errands and buying trinkets for the various women his boss is boning. He confesses to being the one who's been buying her gifts and signing the cards. He stares at her sheepishly and begs, "Please don't have me fired" and she agrees to forget she ever saw him if the next card "Richard" writes to her includes the word love. That evening, Richard presents Samantha with a glittery bracelet. She tears open the card, which reads 'Gorgeous for gorgeous. Love, Richard'...and Samantha shrieks the word love. Richard chews on that sentiment for a few seconds, then declares, "I love you, Samantha" and she excitedly replies, "I love.." then holds up her new bracelet and squeals, "This!" Steve and Miranda are going over the contract agreement for custody of their spawn...and Steve laughs and tells her that at some point things are going to get off schedule. When he offers to give her a much needed foot rub, she asks him if he finds her ugly - and he assures her she has a healthy, attractive pregnancy glow. She's like, "But would you want to have sex with me?" and he mulls that over and decides he might be into tapping that again. He jokingly asks her if sex is allowed in the contract, and she tells him to fuck the contract and to fuck her...but makes it clear that it's just a mercy fuck. Carrie meets up with Charlotte at a fancy restaurant to apologize for her nutty behavior the other day. Charlotte tells her she was right (say wuh?) and that she hasn't wanted to let go of being Mrs. Trey MacDougal. No duh. You're currently squatting in his family's multi-million dollar apartment with no intention of going out into the world and earning your own living anymore. Carrie wanks her by telling her she's coping amazingly well...so then Charlotte places her ring box on the table and tells Carrie she'd like to offer it to her for her downpayment. Carrie pretends she couldn't possibly accept it 'cause it would "make things too complicated" but Charlotte tells her it's a business proposal, "clean and simple", and ponders why she looted all this money from the rich MacDougal clan if she can't help out a friend. Carrie accepts the ring, assures her she'll pay her back, and tells her she somehow got Vogue to pay her $4.50 a word for her raunch writing. Carrie signs her mortgage papers as a plumber comes by her apartment to fix her possessed toilet. She natters about how securing the money for the downpayment wasn't quite as easy as clicking her Manolos three times, but that "it was worth it. I was home". LOL. From where I'm sitting, it looked pretty darn easy for her to snap up Charlotte's ring money in order to keep herself from getting kicked out of her apartment and ending up on the streets. Or in Weehawken. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Charlotte is out with Carrie and Aidan, gabbling about how she's filling her jobless days with tap dancing and sculpture classes to keep her mind off of her impending divorce, which she breezily declares will be swift and not require a grieving process of any kind. Susan-Sharon (Carrie's wack-a-doodle friend from the Awful Truth episode from Season 2 who's married to a verbally abusive dickwad) spots Carrie from across the room and comes over to say hey and ask what's new. Carrie's like, "Just gallivanting, writing, eating.." and Charlotte gives her a funny look and tells her she's forgetting the most important thing, then squeals at Susan-Sharon, "They're engaged!" A delighted Susan-Sharon congratulates Aidan and Carrie and asks to see the ring, so Carrie fishes it out from the layers of tacky fake pearls she has draped around her neck. Susan-Sharon asks her if this is "what the people are doing these days", and Carrie says no and explains that it's her way of buying time while she finds a way to weasel out of the wedding - I mean keeping it close to her heart. When Susan-Sharon asks where and when the blessed event will take place, Carrie says they haven't even begun to think about that yet...and Susan-Sharon warns her to "chop chop, missy" 'cause decent wedding venues book up years in advance. Samantha and Richard begin their morning in his fancy shmancy apartment eating breakfast and reading the paper. When Richard ambles off to take a shower, Samantha sees a photograph of him in the paper's Style section canoodling a socialite named Bebe London. She looks miffed and calls up J.J. Mitchell (the columnist responsible for publishing the breaking news) and haughtily informs him that Richard is currently limiting his canoodling to one person and that it ain't Bebe London. She then storms over to the bathroom to tell Richard that J.J. Mitchell has been inaccurately reporting on him canoodling with Bebe London - but Richard just shrugs and says that all press is good press, confirms that, yep, he actually is bumping uglies with Bebe London, and coolly asks her if that's a problem. Samantha pretends she's totally A-OK with it and says she's merely trying to gather all the facts so she can do her job as his PR rep. He orders her to take a break from that BS job and get her sexy ass in the shower with him...then picks up the removable shower head and aims it at her well worn cootch. Aidan joins Carrie in her shower, and she looks totally put out by the intrusion. He gives her the day's update on the renovations next door: the dividing wall between the two apartments is coming down, plus the new washer and dryer will be arriving. Squeal! (As someone who once had to drag heavy bags of laundry several blocks to a laundromat, I know first-hand what a luxury it is to suddenly have in-unit laundry facilities.) Aidan changes the subject to wedding planning and asks her what she thinks of Hawaii, then suggests they invite a few friends to come along, down some Mai Tais, and get "Maui'ed". Carrie chides him for punning in the nude and jokes that her grass skirt days are over...so he asks if she'd maybe want to seal the deal in Aspen over Christmas. Carrie mutters something unintelligible under her breath, then stares mutely into space as she voice-overs about the pressure she suddenly felt "beating down" on her shoulders. A perky medical technician is performing a sonogram to check up on Miranda's spawn...and she points out the fetus's beating heart and asks her if she'd like to know the child's sex. Miranda's like, "I dunno...whatever", so the technician pronounces that it's a boy, then asks her how she feels 'bout that and stares at her expectantly. Miranda stares back at her blankly for a few seconds before fake squealing, "Great! A boy! Boy oh boy!" In the next scene, Miranda is ambling down the street with Carrie, who has dressed herself in the most bizarre concoction of clothing pieces ever showcased on Sex and the City. On top she's wearing a pink blouse with what looks like something white underneath, and she's cinched them so they're tied in a knot just below the bust line. Across the upper part of her bare torso is a green patterned belt, which appears to match the long flowy skirt that's riding low on her hips - but since it doesn't appear to have belt loops, I can't help but wonder if the designer might really have intended for the superfluous matching belt to be worn as an over-the-ribcage accessory. I guess anything's possible with Pat Field overseeing the show's weird fashion choices. Anyway, Miranda tells Carrie she just faked a sonogram after the technician told her she was having a boy - and when Carrie squeals, "You're having a boy!", Miranda glumly says that that was just the type of reaction she couldn't bring herself to genuinely express, so she faked it. Carrie shifts the conversation to herself and says she gets the same sort of judgeyness about her upcoming wedding...but finds herself unable to get interested in the planning, including the buying of the gown. Egads! Miranda excitedly proposes something radical: go to a terrible wedding boutique that just happens to be located nearby and try on ugly dresses! When Carrie looks hesitant, Miranda calls it aversion shock therapy and sweetens the deal by promising to try one on too. The two enter the boutique and tell the saleswoman they're both getting married (not to each other) and that they'd like to try on the poofiest, cupcake-simulating monstrosities she has in stock. In the next scene, the two exit their fitting rooms dressed in ghastly layers of lace, taffeta, and tulle, and giggle heartily at each other. Carrie stares at her horsey mug in the mirror and has a sudden freakout when she sees herself looking so bridey. She asks Miranda to help her take the fugly thing off 'cause she's starting to burn up...and when Miranda says there are too many tiny buttons along the back to undo quickly, Carrie screeches, "Rip it off!" Miranda does, and gasps at the sudden rash on her back. As Carrie buries her head in her hands and starts twitching uncontrollably, Miranda scrunches her face in bewilderment and goes, "What just happened?" At the next brunch summit, Carrie announces to the gigolas that she can't get married...and Samantha glares at Miranda and asks her what she was thinking, taking her to that dump. Miranda sheepishly retorts, "It was an experiment. It went awry." When Charlotte suggests that Carrie merely has cold feet, Carrie lifts her shirt to show her the bright red rash on her torso and says her body is literally rejecting the idea of marriage and that she's obviously missing the bride gene. She asks why marriage is even necessary, so Charlotte says that when her marriage to Trey was good she felt a sense of security - financially speaking, no doubt, 'cause of the shady way she got Bunny to agree to a pre-nup that awarded her a million dollars in the event of a divorce that seemed pretty inevitable from the get-go. Miranda asks Carrie why in the bloody hell she said yes to Aidan when he proposed, so Carrie says that when a man you [pretend to] love kneels and presents you with a diamond ring, you say yes. She then moans about how she can't bring herself to break Aidan's heart (like, for example, she did when she cheated on him) and says she feels like she's a bad person (which she totally is), then laughingly wonders if the poofy wedding gown she made Miranda rip open is still in a back alley dumpster. I hope the boutique owner is somehow able to hunt her down and force her to pay for the ruined gown. Carrie is lounging about her apartment in her underwear, tapping on her computer as she tries to get her brain around the notion of "happily ever after". She voice-overs about how everyone is supposed to hit targets in life (e.g. marriage, kids, a home to call your own), then ponders if they're merely being programmed to want those things...the way the Sex and the City writers are always trying to program their viewers into equating an icky level of promiscuousness with being a sexually liberated, independent woman. Carrie runs out to the newsstand with the intention of restarting her smoking habit, but decides instead to buy several bridal magazines to kick-start wedding planning. In the next scene, she's sitting by her bed, browsing through the magazines, when Aidan sledge-hammers his way through her wall from the apartment next door. Carrie has another freakout and starts yelling, "Stop it!" ... but when it's clear that Aidan can't hear her panicked screeching over his blaring music, she runs next door and tells him she's having a very strong reaction to all this change - meaning, mostly the marriage stuff - then kneels down as if she's having trouble catching her breath. A confused Aidan is all, "Whassup?" so she tells him she's not ready to get married yet, then self-piteously asks, "Do you hate me?" He's like, "Er...no" but admits she is kind of catching him off guard, then quips, "Was it because I said we could get Maui-ed?" She thanks him for lightening the moment, then says she just needs time...and by time she means never, now that Mr. Big is unattached and back on the dating market for the foreseeable future. Miranda is going through her bills when her cleaning lady, Magda, comes across the sonogram photo. She asks if the baby is a boy or girl...and when Miranda tells her it's a boy, she squeals happily about how a boy is the highest blessing, then demands that Miranda share in her joy. Miranda grins, but not very convincingly. Charlotte is at tap class, dancing to Tea for Two. When the class splits up into groups of two to cross the floor in a step shuffle step series, Charlotte looks around and is suddenly alarmed that everyone but her has a partner. When she's the last remaining step shuffler, the instructor urges her to just go it alone, but she refuses and starts railing about how she doesn't want to go it alone, and that Tea for Tea is an abusive and hurtful song to someone who's going through a painful divorce. When she notices the other dancers staring at her with their mouths agape, she taps into what a giant arse she's making of herself and quietly slinks off the dance floor and out of the studio. The gigolas are in attendance at Richard Wright's charity fundraiser, the Black and White Ball. Carrie tells the gals that Aidan is coping reasonably well to her weaselling out of his marriage proposal...and when Charlotte learns that Miranda is having a boy and claps excitedly, Miranda fakes an expression of excitement and strains her neck. Samantha, meanwhile, runs into J.J. Mitchell and smugly asks him if he has anything noteworthy for his column, and he tells her as a matter of fact he does...which is that Richard is now hitting the sheets with a woman named Judith (the woman he's currently chatting with). Samantha storms over to where the gals and Aidan are standing and complains about Richard's philandering, and that for the first time that she actually gives a shit 'cause she's uninterested in hooking up with anyone else. She grumbles, "I think I have monogamy. I must have gotten it from you people" ... and by you people, I'll assume she's mostly referring to Aidan. She then storms over to Richard and grabs him by the short and curlies, calls his bed-hopping tacky and immature, and decrees, "Stop fucking other women. Just fuck me." Richard's like, "Er...no" and makes it clear that he has no intention of becoming her monogamous boyfriend. Samantha grabs J.J. Mitchell to indulge in a quickie in the men's room (classy as always)...but when his pecker unexpectedly goes soft, she exits the room in in disgust. She runs right into Richard, who tells her that maybe he was too quick to dismiss the idea of monogamy - but promptly cancels that when he sees J.J. exit the men's room a few seconds later. He chuckles knowingly, says, "You'll never change" and tells Samantha he's A-OK with keeping things as they were. After the ball, Carrie and Aidan leisurely stroll by a fountain. Aidan compliments the pretty white (bridal-like) dress she's wearing, and suggests that since he has his tux for another half a day they fly to Vegas and "lock this thing down". Carrie starts moaning about how she's not reaaaady for marriage, and Aidan says he really really wants the world (aka Mr. Big) to know that she's his. Carrie stares at him in bewilderment and shriek-asks, "Who else's would I be?!" and when he responds by shooting her an accusing stink-eye, she's all, "OMG! You still don't trust me." Aidan's like, "Well duh", and I find it more than a little dicked up that he'd want to rush into marriage with a skank like Carrie 'cause he's so afraid she's going to cheat on him again. He gets all pissy about how she doesn't wear her engagement ring on her "fucking finger" and says it's pretty clear that she's not ever going to want to marry him. As Carrie weakly denies that, he backs away from her and mutters, "I can't believe I'm back here again" and tells her he's going to sleep in the apartment next door before wisely exiting her life in the morning. Miranda feels the baby kick as she's getting ready for bed, and for the first time she looks genuinely happy and excited at having a bun in her oven. Carrie lays in her bed alone, fondling her engagement ring. After a few seconds, she gets up and tip-toes next door, where Aidan is sleeping, and lays down beside him. She voice-overs that it was the only night she'd ever spend "on the other side of the wall" ... and that the next day, Aidan moved out. Hurray, Aidan! Consider the bullet dodged. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: It's Saturday night and Carrie's lounging on her bed, leafing through a New York events calendar for something fun to do. When a grungy looking Aidan arrives home with Pete after sanding down the ratty floors in the apartment next door, Carrie asks him if he'd be into going to a new restaurant - Town (with a period, so it's spelled Town.) - but he's like, "Not" and that he's much more into the idea of taking a shower, watching the game, and pigging out on KFC. Carrie whines, "But it's Saturday night!" but Aidan ignores her and gabbles about how much he's looking forward to eating some finger lickin' good "K period, F period, C period!", and heads over to the bathroom to hose himself off. A frustrated Carrie calls Samantha, who mistakenly thinks the call is from Richard and barks, "Get over here and do me!" Apparently, she's been waiting by the phone for the last four hours for him to call her back. Sounds a bit clingy for a woman who was just bragging in the previous episode about how she likes to kick men out of her bed soon after she climaxes. Carrie asks her if she's up for a girls' night out, and Samantha perks up at that and conferences in Charlotte and Miranda, and the four make plans to "shake things up" by going dancing. The gigolas show up at a hot gay bar called Trade, which has festive confetti-like things floating around everywhere. Charlotte spots Anthony Marentino, who shrieks, "Char!" and eagerly motions her over. He introduces her to his boy toy Gordon, who's a design editor for House & Garden. Charlotte squeals, "I loooove that magazine!" and Anthony tells Gordon he should check out Charlotte's recently re-decorated Park Avenue apartment for a possible feature spread in the magazine. Gordon tells Charlotte she's pretty and invites her to dance, leaving Carrie bantering with Anthony about the day-glo undies she has on underneath her form fitting skankwear. Miranda and Samantha, meanwhile, enter the men's room since there's no ladies room (or adherence to basic building codes), and Samantha looks over the penises on display at the urinals and tells the muscled men that she's just looking over their junk and that it's "kind of like being a diabetic at Baskin Robbins". Carrie, meanwhile, is having a hard time getting the bartender to notice her so she can order a dirty martini - until an attractive Aussie seats himself next to her and offers to help. He introduces himself as Oliver Spencer and gushes about how she's the writer of his favorite raunchy sex column, which he refers to as his New York Survival Guide. As she beams at the nauseating worshipfulness, Oliver tells her he's a shoe distributor and that he deals with all the top designers...and she gives him a hard stare and says, "It would be cruel to kid me." He chuckles and assures her it's true, and that he can get friends and favorite columnists a discount. He notices the engagement ring on her finger and goes, "What's this?" and she giggles and is all, "Oops! I keep forgetting I'm engaged!" Oliver tut tuts her nearly-married status and implores her to not take herself off the market 'cause he thinks of her as his dating guru. She happens to glance over at the goodie bag he picked up at a party earlier and sees that it contains the gay porn flick, Jocks and Cocks 4. Over in the men's room, Miranda is startled when she runs into Max, a junior associate at her law firm. He's all, "Ack!" and asks her to please not tell anyone she saw him at Trade 'cause he's not ready to get outed to his colleagues. Miranda agrees to keep mum about his gayness, then confides in him about her pregnancy. A few minutes later, the gals converge at the bar and gush about all the fun they're having. Samantha says that she just took a hit of ecstasy and is thinking of dropping in on Richard for a late night romp, since sex on ex is supposed to be amaaaaazing. Carrie returns home and finds Aidan and Pete snuggled in her bed. She pokes Aidan awake and tells him she has a goodie bag with a porn flick...and that she's extremely horny after dancing with a bunch of well-muscled, half-naked men. An indifferent Aidan clutches his stomach and groans that he ate too much chicken and asks her to rub his belly...and Carrie rolls her eyes unhappily as she gives him a half-hearted belly scratch. Samantha and Richard are going at it...and when they both climax at the exact same time, she purrs, "I looooove you. I'm in looooove with you." During her walk of shame on a busy Manhattan street hours later, she pulls out her cell phone to tell Carrie about the drug-fuelled I love you, and that Richard responded by falling asleep. She angrily vows to never have ecstasy-enhanced sex again. Carrie meets up with Oliver at an outdoor cafe for lunch, and he's staring at her as if she just hung the moon and gushes, "Could you be more fantastic?" As a matter of fact, Oliver, she definitely could be. He gabbles about his non-monogamous relationship and says he doesn't expect to get everything from one man, then adds that he probably shouldn't be saying this to an engaged person. Carrie blushes and goes, "What's with you and this ring?" so Oliver asks her to tell him about her beloved, and she describes Aidan as "very tall, incredibly kind, handsome" but leaves out the part about her being completely undeserving of a guy who's even a tenth as awesome as Aidan. Oliver asks her if she's ever been to Bungalow 8, and she dismissively says it's a pretentious members-only club that's tiny and crowded and requires a key to enter...but when Oliver says he has a key, she cackles, "When are we going?!" Stanford - who, for some reason, is decked out in layers of bright green - happens to walk by at that moment and asks Carrie who her handsome new friend is. Carrie introduces the two, and Stanford cries, "I'm green with envy!" 'cause of how greedy greedy greedy she is to have a beautiful man at home, and a beautiful new gay BFF she's obviously cheating on him (him meaning Stanford) with. Carrie goes home to type up her weekly dreck and babble aloud about the dichotomy of wanting to shake things up while at the same time being in a stable, committed relationship. She recalls Oliver's theory that you can't get everything from one person, then can't help herself from wondering: to be in a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf? Nope. It is actually possible to be your own person and be in a committed relationship. It's hard to fathom how Oliver could possibly think of her shlocky writing as his New York Survival Guide. Miranda is nodding off at her desk when a woman named Celeste enters her office to deliver a memo about Casual Friday. She tells Miranda how thrilled she is that the partners have finally loosened up enough to approve a break in the dress code, then winks at her and says, "Congratulations." Miranda stares confusedly into space for a few seconds before storming over to Max's office to ask him if he told Celeste she was pregnant. He's like, "OK...yes" then explains that because of her frequent office napping, people at the firm were starting to openly wonder if she had a drinking problem or was bipolar. Miranda is annoyed and says, "How would you like it if I told everybody in the office that you were gay?" just as Celeste has quietly entered the office to deliver her Casual Friday memo to Max. Oops. The gigolas have gathered at Samantha's loft to watch Jocks and Cocks 4, and they're cackling at the luridness of the gay porn video. Charlotte scrunches her face with disapproval, says she thought they were watching an independent film, then petulantly snarks, "I'm not in the mood for gay porn." Carrie pauses the video, shoots her a look of faux bewilderment, and repeats, "Not in the mood for gay porn?" and Charlotte starts moaning about how she told Trey about House & Garden wanting to do a photo shoot in their apartment...and that he didn't even care. In fact, Anthony is more excited about it. Well duh, his boy toy is the design editor in charge of the shoot. Carrie steers the conversation to her issues and excitedly cackles about how Oliver is taking her to Bungalow 8, then reflects on how opposite she and Aidan are. She says, "It's either the greatest relationship ever, or we're headed - " and Charlotte cuts her off to re-direct the conversation back to herself and finishes the sentence with, "For separate bedrooms, like me" and sadly tells the gals that she and Trey are in completely different places. She then says she's too depressed to look down on their enjoyment of gay male porn and gives Carrie permission to un-pause Jocks and Cocks 4. After a brief business meeting, Samantha asks Richard if they're going to talk about the I love you she blurted out the other night, but he just kind of shrugs and says he's well aware that she was high on ecstasy at the time and adds, "I've been there." Samantha's like, "Er...OK" but is secretly disappointed that her I love you doesn't seem to matter to him. He gives her a big smooch, makes plans to doink her later, and watches her as she slinks out of his office. Now that Miranda's been outed as a pregnant person, she shows up to work on Casual Friday in a snug fitting maternity dress, while Max has decked himself out in a mesh top he probably should have saved for a night out at Trade. He must not have read the fine print on Celeste's memo. Charlotte is in the apartment, working on a flower arrangement for tomorrow's House & Garden shoot. When Trey arrives home, she snarks at him to please move his stuff out of the guest room, 'cause she doesn't want the magazine crew to know that they've been sleeping in separate bedrooms. When she tells him that the crew wants to shoot both of them 'cause they seem like the perfect couple, Trey smirks bitterly and Charlotte puts her sad face on and coos, "I know...but I promised...and they're coming." Trey says he doesn't want to do this anymore, this meaning continue living in this hellhole of a dysfunctional marriage a minute longer. Charlotte yammers about how she really really wants a baby and doesn't think she should give up on her dream of motherhood, and he agrees and offers to move back in with Bunny. Even though Charlotte should probably be the one to move out, seeing as how she doesn't own the apartment or contribute a penny for its mortgage, and also dove head-first into a marriage without making it crystal clear to Trey how rabid she is about having children. Carrie decides to wear her engagement ring on a necklace and is all decked out (in a skimpy, form fitting dress that showcases her sinewy legs) for Bungalow 8 when Aidan arrives home. He sees the ring on her necklace and asks whassup with that subtle insult, and she tells him it's something she's trying 'cause she likes the ring being closer to her heart. Aidan appears to buy that and invites himself along with her and Oliver...but she stammers about how exclusive Bungalow 8 is and that you need a key to get in, etc. Aidan laughs about the absurdity of going to a club that requires a key and asks her why she buys into that kind of shit...so she reminds him about what a superficial pile of tacky garbage she is, and that she readily buys into anything that helps validate her deluded sense of self as a minor New York celebrity, and then mumbles, "I promised Oliver." Carrie and Oliver arrive at Bungalow 8, cut past the line of hopeful looking people waiting to be allowed in, and waltz inside. Oliver immediately starts mingling with other hot gay men, and Carrie poutishly accuses him of neglecting her and threatens to leave. He apologizes for his rudeness just as Stanford arrives. He snarks at Oliver for taking his place as Carrie's favorite gay, then grabs him and forcibly plants a giant smooch on his lips. Carrie gets irked at the disturbing PDA, announces that she's going home to her gorgeous fiancé, and totters out of the club and then down the street in her stupid stilettos. Carrie finds Aidan sitting in his big leather chair, reading. He stares in puzzlement as he asks her why she owns Jocks and Cocks 4, and she starts making porn music sounds and gets all amorous about the various sex tips she learned from the video. Photo shoot! As the House & Garden crew sets up their cameras and lighting stuff in Charlotte's apartment, Charlotte pulls Anthony aside and tells him that she doesn't think Trey is coming and wonders if they should cancel. Anthony's like, "Hell no" and says they'll do it without him, then tells her she can do a hell of a lot better than that stick-up-his-ass preppy. A few seconds later, Trey breezes in for the shoot and tells Charlotte he wants to do it 'cause he knows how important it is to her, and she gives him a grateful smile. The two then smile glumly into the camera, and Carrie voice-overs about how misleading their togetherness was, 'cause by the time the issue of House & Garden hit the newsstands, Trey had already moved out. Carrie and Aidan are in bed, spooning, and Carrie is nattering in a voice-over about how some relationships that look pretty on the outside are a horrifying mess on the inside. Like the pile of crap that will soon be hers and Aidan's relationship in the very next episode. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs that her tiny apartment was slowly getting filled to capacity with Aidan's stuff, and then the camera pans over his many boxes that are stacked everywhere. Carrie arrives home (wearing what appears to be a see-through slip as a skirt) and bumps into a stack of boxes...and Aidan proudly tells her he made himself an area. Carrie snaps that his area is blocking one of her bathroom doors, then insists that she needs access to both doors for an escape route in case rapists climb through her window. Aidan's like, "Er, OK" and tells her they're closing on the apartment next door within a couple of weeks. Carrie's all, "Uh huh", then glances around and has a minor freakout when she notices that Aidan has dared bring a houseplant into her home. At brunch, Carrie complains to the gals about how Aidan brought a living thing in her apartment, and that it's bad 'cause she hasn't figured out how to not kill a houseplant. (Just water the thing once in awhile..?) She also complains that he's taking over "whole areas", which prompts Samantha to make a blech face and snark that that's exactly why she doesn't want to live with a man - plus she wants them out of her sight soon after she's climaxed. Carrie bitches about how Aidan is all in her face when she gets home, wanting to know where she's been and who she's been cheating on him with - I mean hanging out with - and that it's driving her nuts 'cause she likes to decompress after a leisurely afternoon of shopping and lunching. The gals then go on a dumb tangent about the SSB (secret single behavior) they like to engage in: Carrie eats grape jelly on saltines while reading fashion magazines standing up (doesn't seem overly weird), Miranda likes to put Vaseline in rubber gloves and watch infomercials (that one's a bit weird), and Charlotte likes to study her pores with a magnified mirror (seems like a boring waste of time, but OK). Samantha's phone suddenly rings...and it's Richard, summoning her to his office to deliver some papers. The gals chide her for hitting the sheets with her new client, as if they all couldn't have seen that coming the second he hired her, but Samantha is aghast that Carrie spilled the beans about her latest hookup. Miranda begs for all the sordid details, her being a horny pregnant woman and all, but when Samantha refuses to talk about it, Carrie cackles, "Samantha likes a guyyyyy!" Miranda laughs about how hell has just frozen over, so Samantha raunchily declares that Richard has the most perfect, pink, amazing dick she's ever seen. It is dick-a-licious. Charlotte tells Trey she's having the girls over for dinner, and makes it clear that he's not invited nor welcome to join them. She bitterly remarks on all the "re-adjustments" she's being forced to make, which I guess means figuring out what the hell to fill her days with now that she prematurely dumped her art gallery career before trying for a baby that Trey no longer wants. In an effort to cheer her up, Trey tells her he snagged orchestra tickets to The Producers next week...and when he tells her they should still "try to have a giggle" every now and then, Charlotte just glares back at him with an angry stink-eye. She's really starting to reach Carrie levels of irrational bitchitude. Samantha struts into Richard's office wearing a boob baring halter dress. He's on the phone with some German flunky he wants to curse at, so Samantha tells him to say fich mich (fuck me), even though she really meant for him to say fich dich (fuck you). When she hands him the papers he requested, he hands her a pretty pink rose...and Carrie voice-overs that it was perfect, pink, amazing - just like his stiffy. Richard coos about how he thought about her all weekend, and Samantha stares hungrily at his crotch and suggests she give him something to think about all evening. He gives her a funny look and is all, "Wha-a?" when he realizes she wasn't kidding about climbing under his desk and blowing him in an office that has glass walls on all sides and dozens of employees milling about. Miranda is on a date with Walker Lewis, a hot guy who works as an interpreter for the State Department (and is so far above Miranda's league, I can't even). He tells her that this has been the best blind date he's ever had, plants a big smooch on her, and tells her he'd like to see her again before he jets off to Brussels. The next day, Miranda goes walking with Carrie and moans about how desperate she is to hit the sheets with Walker. She comes right out and asks, "Is it OK to fuck one guy when you're pregnant with another guy's baby?" and Carrie chuckles at her friend's raunchiness, thinking what an awesome column this off-the-charts level of horniness would make for her raunch-lovin' readership. Miranda yammers on and on about how she really really wants Walker to doink her 'cause it could be her last chance for sex. As they arrive at Carrie's brownstone, Carrie's elderly neighbor, Mrs. Cohen, whose apartment Aidan just bought comes shuffling down the front steps. She makes fun of Carrie's outfit (which made me laugh out loud), then snarkishly informs her that she won't be moving out for another thirty days (haha!). When Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" Mrs. Cohen snaps, "Read the contact!" and shuffles off down the street. Carrie rushes inside to tell Aidan what Mrs. Cohen just told her, and he starts jumping up and down and dropping f-bombs. Carrie squeals with relief that he hates this cramped living situation as much as she does 'cause she was starting to think he was an overly cheerful pod. He agrees that they can't live like this anymore, meaning she's going to have to make more room in the apartment by cleaning out her closet. Carrie stares back at him in horror. Carrie makes Aidan transport her precious shoe collection from the top shelf of her closet onto the soft towels she's laid out on the bathroom floor. He looks mystified by the size of her shoe collection, along with all the fugly outfits she keeps around and will probably never wear again. He pulls out a ratty looking beige top with weird stringy things hanging from the sleeves and bottom and asks her where in blazes she'd ever wear this monstrosity. She warns him not to mock the clothes, then realizes that she was holding onto a grisly wardrobe at the expense of her relationship (which she's going to scrap anyway, two episodes from now). Carrie suddenly screeches in horror when she notices that Pete is chewing on a blue sandal, then bitches at Aidan that his dog now owes her $380. It never fails to blow my mind how much cash Carrie shells out on designer shoes she doesn't need and can ill afford. She storms over to the bathroom and asks Aidan why he keeps a box of almost used up deodorant sticks, along with Rogaine...and he gets all defensive about his hair thinness and growls at her for going through his stuff. The two start bickering, blah blah, and Carrie yells at him to shut up, then angrily announces that she's dramatically storming out. Carrie storms over to Starbucks with her laptop, glances around at everyone else who's taking up space with a computer in front of them, and starts tapping out her weekly drivel. Trey arrives home from work and tells Charlotte he got her "a little silly something", then presents her with a cardboard cutout of a baby. He says he saw it in the window of a novelty store and bought it in order to have a baby in the house so they can finally chillax about their reproductive problems. Charlotte shoots him the stink-eye, snarls, "Don't talk to me", and stalks out of the room. Miranda puts on a pair of Vaseline filled gloves and watches infomercials as she calls Walker to arrange a Last Romp. Samantha stares longingly at the pink rose that Richard gave her, then grimaces at it and throws it in the trash. Carrie returns home hours later, fully prepared to admit how silly she had been earlier...but when Aidan stubbornly refuses to even look in her direction, she angrily tosses her keys on the table and snarls at Pete as she flounces past him. Dinner party! Carrie tells the gigolas that she and Aidan haven't spoken for three days, and that she refuses to be the first one to apologize. Samantha mutters something about Richard's throbbing dick just as Trey enters the room and is all, "Ack! I forgot it was ladies' night." Charlotte bitchily reminds him he's not supposed to be here, then pulls away as he leans over to kiss her. He remarks that she must still be angry about "the silly little something" from earlier, and needlessly starts explaining to the gigolas about how hilarious he thought it would be to give his wife the gift of a cardboard baby. They stare at him and each other in mute awkwardness...and when Trey rushes off to get the cardboard baby so he can demonstrate its hilarity, Charlotte runs out of the room after him, shriekily asking how funny he'd find it if she showed her friends a cardboard cutout of his flaccid penis. The two then start yelling at each other just as Richard calls Samantha's cell phone to summon her to his hotel's rooftop. She beats a hasty retreat and is quickly followed out by Carrie and Miranda. Richard is wearing a bathrobe as he waits for Samantha on the rooftop of his hotel, which is equipped with a delicious looking swimming pool. When Samantha arrives and sees a bottle of champagne chilling, she snarks, "I want no part of that" and nonsensically says it turns everything into a screaming mess. She pronounces that they are work and sex and nothing more, then orders him to whip out his throbbing dick and plunge it into her nether regions. He promises to show her his if she shows him hers...and Samantha strips off her side-boob baring dress in about three seconds and is completely naked. She gives his crotch an appreciate nod, then dives naked into the pool....and Richard strips off his bathrobe and dives in after her, giving viewers a quick eyeful of some rare full frontal male nudity. Carrie returns home, cuddles Aidan and apologizes for her bitchitude. He rejoins with an apology of his own. Charlotte stomps over to the guest room where Trey has now taken up residence, throws the cardboard baby at him, then goes back to her en suite bathroom to study her pores with the aid of a magnified mirror. Miranda is bouncing atop Walker while the two have some enthusiastic, sweaty, rodeo-style sex...and that's all I'm going to say 'bout that. Samantha and Richard climb out of the pool and put bathrobes on. He puts on some Sade and asks her to dance...and after rebuffing her crass effort to grab at his penis, the two uncomfortably sway together. Carrie voice-overs that Samantha somehow managed to stop thinking about sex long enough to give in to her feelings for Richard. When Carrie returns home the next day, Aidan asks her whassup...so Carrie tells him she really really needs him to shut his pie-hole and pretend like she's not there for the next our or so. He's like, "Er, OK" and goes back to reading his book...and Carrie steps behind a pair a sheer curtains surrounding her bed and just sits there by herself. After a few seconds, she pokes her head through the curtains and asks Aidan what he's doing, and he just smiles at her and shakes his head. She backtracks on her desperate need for privacy and climbs into his lap, voice-overing that sometimes when you get your needs met, you don't always need them. Or some such nonsense. The next day, Carrie puts on the ratty beige outfit Aidan was mocking earlier...and on her way out, she tosses the poor dead houseplant in the trash, 'cause - no surprise - it wasn't able to survive more than a week in Carrie's plant-hating orbit. RIP, fern. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie arrives home, shell-shocked upon learning that her building is going co-op. When she informs Aidan of this disturbing development, he asks her why she doesn't just buy her place...so she has to point out the obvious: whatever meagre salary she's been earning as a raunch columnist for a tabloid rag has been stupidly blown on fugly designer-wear and stilettos, precluding her from ever being in a position to purchase real estate. Aidan says that he's in a position to buy her apartment, then suggests they also buy the place next door and create one giant apartment they can comfortably co-habitate in. He's mad as a hatter, this man. Carrie asks him if this would make him her landlord or her roommate, and he says, "A little of both" and gives her a smooch. He urges her to give it some serious thought, and she then voice-overs that the idea of sponging off of her financially responsible boyfriend made total sense, not least 'cause they were in love and spent every night together anyway. Trey is injecting hormones into Charlotte's ass cheek while muttering his disapproval of in vitro and his preference for making a baby the old fashioned way. Charlotte reminds him that there's only a slim chance she can get pregnant by relying solely on bumping uglies, then tells him she's been talking to various women in the building about their experiences in trying to get pregnant with in vitro. One of them, Peggy Woodruff, has invited them over on Friday night to delve deeper into the issue. Trey looks annoyed by all the blabbing she's been doing about their barrenness and reminds her that on Friday they'll be attending the Scottish Highland Fling, an important family tradition. Charlotte's like, "OK, whatever" then excitedly tells him she put their names on a waiting list for a Mandarin baby, just in case their babymaking efforts go completely bust. As Aidan showers, Carrie picks up all the clothes he's left laying around and stuffs them in his duffle bag. She then starts snooping through the bag and discovers a ring box...and opens it, stares in horror at the pear-shaped diamond ring inside, then runs over to the kitchen to vomit in the sink. Ick. Carrie tells the gigolas about her discovery during the next brunch summit, and Charlotte excitedly gushes, "You're getting engaged!" When Carrie reminds her that she thew up, Samantha contorts her face and says that blowing chunks is her reaction to marriage as well. Charlotte urges Carrie to say yes, but Carrie says she doesn't think that she and Aidan have been together long enough. Charlotte reminds her that she and Trey got engaged after only a month - and she says this as if getting married to a drip like Trey wasn't a completely fucking crazy thing to rush into - and Samantha cheekily points out that they were separated five minutes after the honeymoon. Carrie wonders if Aidan was prompted to propose 'cause her building is going co-op, then cries, "Am I a real estate bride?" When Charlotte asks for details about the ring, Carrie makes a blech face and describes the pear-shaped abomination which, in no way, reflects her shittastic sense of style. As Samantha and Charlotte gasp in collective horror at the notion of pear-shaped jewelry, a hurt looking Miranda tells them that she helped Aidan pick out the ring 'cause he wanted a female perspective. LOL...awkward. Carrie decides that while she's not ready to be engaged, she's totes OK with her and Aidan living together. She then scrunches her face in irritation and moans about how he somehow should know that the pear-shaped monstrosity he's about to pass off as an engagement ring would be all wrong...and Samantha concurs with that self-centered madness and snarks, "Wrong ring, wrong guy." Carrie is tapping out her weekly raunch while racking her tiny brain to sort out how one can tell when a relationship is right. Does being comfortable suggest a lack of fireworks? Is being hesitant to commit a red flag? As she subtly shakes her head in that funny looking way she does whenever she's all absorbed in getting to the crux of whatever issue she's wrestling with during the episode, she taps out: in matters of love, how do you know when it's right? Samantha arrives for her meeting with Richard Wright, who grumbles that she's seven minutes late. She barks back that it took her several minutes to navigate through his labyrinth of a lobby, then gets a bitch-slapping by Richard about how the press coverage of his London hotel got knocked off the front page of a travel magazine (or some such thing). He snidely asks her if she looked into it or spent the morning accessorizing...so Samantha snarks back that she pulled two of their ads from the travel editor, got a full page feature on his Barcelona property, and an assurance that this kind of contrived PR disaster won't happen again. Richard looks impressed and says he loves that his cunty 'tude doesn't make her quake in her boots. When he asks her why she looks so glum, she tells him that her BFF is probably getting engaged, then rhetorically asks why everyone always has to get married and have kids. Richard's like, "I dunno, I love sleeping around" and says he enjoys taking exotic trips at a moment's notice and bedding whichever woman happens to catch his eye that day. It's interesting that this is the same man who initially refused to hire Samantha because of her promiscuous reputation. He contorts his face all seductive-like and asks, "Who needs a wife when you have a life?" and Samantha visibly perks up and coos, "That's all I'm sayin'." Miranda and Steve are getting ice cream in the park when she blurts out that she's pregnant and he's the baby daddy. As a discombobulated Steve tries to get his brain around that life-changing news, Miranda tells him she's going to take full responsibility for the baby's care and expenses and that he can pop by for visits whenever he wants to. Carrie takes Aidan out for dinner to formally accept his proposal for them to live together. Aidan beams and tells her that that makes him very happy, then says there's something else he'd like to ask her - but Carrie abruptly excuses herself and rushes off to the bathroom. She stares at her horsey face in the bathroom mirror and snarks, "What are you doing??", prompting the person who's in one of the stalls to ask, "Uh, are you talking to me?" Carrie apologizes for talking to herself out loud, flees the bathroom red-faced, and heads back to the table. Aidan once again starts fishing something out of his jacket pocket...and as Carrie stares at him with a mixture of dread and fascination, the thing he ends up pulling out of his pocket is his wallet so he can pay for their dinner. Haha! Trey arrives home and finds Charlotte attempting to learn Mandarin with the aid of a spoken language tape. When he asks her whassup with the language learning, she explains that it's usually unwanted Chinese girls that come up for adoption, and that they're often a bit older and therefore don't speak English. Trey grimaces and says he no longer feels like going to the Scottish Highland Fling - but Charlotte suddenly gets all squirrelly and shriekishly goes on and on about how they can't let their reproductive problems turn them into hermits. He gives her a funny look and wryly suggests they cut back on the hormones he's been injecting into her ass cheeks. Carrie has just spent an afternoon shopping in an ultra tight blue and red dress and is unsuccessfully trying to hail a cab - and I really can't help but wonder why none of the SATC women ever try to get around Manhattan by subway: a far cheaper, faster, and more convenient way to scoot around traffic-clogged Manhattan. Mr. Big just happens to ride by in his town car and sticks his head out the window with his usual shit eating grin - ugh - and Carrie sashays over to his car so that the two can exchange their usual cringetastic repartee before he invites her to climb in. Big asks her how things are going with "Country Bob" ... and when she reminds him that he and her boyfriend agreed to put an end to their man feud during the Belles of the Balls episode, Big sheepishly refers to him as Aidan. She says that things are very good with him and that she's pretty sure he's about to propose. Big waves a dismissive hand in the air and pronounces that he's not the guy for her, and also that she's not the marrying kind. Or the decent, faithful kind. Carrie rifles through Aidan's duffle bag again and is puzzled when the ring is no longer there. She immediately gets on the horn with Miranda to see if she knows whassup - but Miranda says she's no longer involved, then rushes over to the bathroom to throw up. She wearily explains that her morning sickness sickens her all day long. Charlotte and Trey arrive late for the Scottish Highland Fling...and after they rush into the fancy venue, Bunny greets them and urges Trey to join his brothers on the dance floor. She then tells Charlotte about the proud lineage of the McDougal clan, one she hopes that she and Trey will one day perpetuate, then narrows her beady little eyes and haughtily remarks on her dislike for Mandarin food and unwanted Mandarin babies. Charlotte stares back at her, aghast 'cause somehow she wasn't expecting Bunny to be a racist snob, and tells her it's none of her business - but Bunny argues that it is, and that the family name can only be carried on by her sons and "not daughters of the South Pacific". An enraged Charlotte storms over to Trey to admonish him for blabbing to Bunny about their Mandarin baby backup plan, then complains that she's the one who's been doing all the heavy lifting in order to get pregnant. Trey tries to minimize the spectacle she's making in front of the Scottish Highland Society and grabs at her and tells her to get a hold of herself, which results in him accidentally ripping a huge hole in her dress as she tries to storm off. Samantha and Richard Wright are getting it on while waiting for take-off on his private jet. The pilot interrupts their dry humping to inform them that the plane has been cleared and that they need to buckle up...and Richard's like, "Yeah whatever" and continues to dry hump Samantha while she loudly moans in faux orgasmic pleasure. Trey is visibly upset while he gets ready for bed, and snarls in irritation at Charlotte when she asks him to give her her nightly hormone shot. He apologizes for involving Bunny in their babymaking travails, then grumbles, "How much work is a marriage supposed to be?" When Charlotte suggests that this brand of hell is what a relationship is, he retorts, "No, this is what our relationship is" and pouts about how he didn't see any other husband getting screamed at on the dance floor tonight. He says he doesn't want to do this anymore...this meaning desperately trying to create a spawn. He wants to just "be" for awhile, and says he's actually quite fine with never having kids. He acknowledges that he doesn't think she could ever be fine with that...and she's like, "No duh", then tearfully wanders off to the kitchen to get some juice. Aidan has coaxed Carrie out of the apartment to take an evening walk for Pete's nightly constitutional...and she moans and bitches about having to leave the bed, and gets even more snarly when Aidan searches his pockets for a poop bag. He asks her to hold something...and when she holds out her hand and mutters, "This just gets better and better", Aidan places a ring box in it and stares at her expectantly. She looks down at the ring box with fascination and horror, and Aidan earnestly urges her to open it. She does, and is startled to find a ring that I'll assume she considers stylish and elegant: a large, square-shaped diamond (and not that pear-shaped atrocity that he and Miranda had picked out earlier). Carrie gasps and murmurs, "OMG, it's not..." then stops herself from outing her earlier snooping and just gushes about what a beautiful ring it is. Aidan tells her he loves her and wants to share his life with her (God help this poor sod), and she mulls that over and gives him a yes. (But then finds a way to weasel out of the proposal three episodes from now.) Miranda gets a visit from Steve on bended knee. He proposes and presents her with the pear-shaped ring, and Miranda snaps, "What are you, fucking crazy?" Steve reminds her that they're having a baby together and that he really wants to be involved in the child's life - but concedes that, nope, he's definitely not in love with her at the moment. Miranda tells him to keep remembering that and assures him that they'll figure out a workable co-parenting plan. She then snarks that she knows the pear-shaped eyesore is a hand-me-down ring...and Steve's like, "Good! I can't afford it anyway." Carrie meets up with Samantha in a bar to break the news of her engagement. Samantha snarls, "Fuck you", then tells Carrie she was behind the selection of ring #2 and says if she's going to ruin their lives by taking a husband, she at least wants a nice piece of jewelry to look at. The two cackle happily at the loveliness of the giant square-shaped diamond ring (which frankly seems just as adequate as the pear-shaped ring - but then I'm a recapper, not a jeweller) and order a round of drinks. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Carrie is racing through the streets of Manhattan to meet up with Miranda, and she's her usual inconsiderate, tardy self. When she reaches their designated meeting spot she profusely apologizes for being ten minutes late, and Miranda's like, "That's OK, I'm three weeks late" and invokes the mercy fuck she indulged Steve with during the previous episode. She calls herself "a fucking idiot" for not using a condom - uh, d'yuh - but says she didn't think she needed to, considering Steve's uniball situation and her lazy ovary. She tells Carrie she's definitely not having it, says she hasn't told Steve about his bun being in her oven...then as an afterthought wonders if it's OK to not tell Steve about his bun being in her oven. Charlotte is sitting on the can, visibly upset that she just got her period. She brings a box of tampons to the next brunch summit, dramatically slams it on the table, and snarks, "I'm never getting pregnant!" As Carrie and Miranda exchange alarmed, sheepish glances, Samantha irritably tells Charlotte to get her stupid box of Tampax away from her food so they can get back to some juicy brunch talk. Charlotte yammers about how she knows in her bones that the problem is her 'cause Trey's sperm checked out fine. She says they've doinked every which way in every conceivable position - visuals that perk Samantha up - then wails about how unnecessary it was in her twenties to worry so much about getting pregnant. She cries, "I could've screwed everything in sight!" and Samantha cackles, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda." Charlotte calls out all the conspiratorial glances that Carrie and Miranda have been exchanging during her rant...so a flushed Miranda prefaces her life-changing news by acknowledging that the timing of this couldn't be worse, and then announces that she got accidentally knocked up - courtesy of a mercy fuck with Steve. Charlotte is appalled that a uniball dork like Steve was able to get that job done and nonsensically wails, "How could you do this to me?!" and gets even more appalled when Miranda says that she has no intention of going through with the pregnancy 'cause a baby is not part of her life plans. She sheepishly tells her she feels awful talking about this in front of her, so Charlotte haughtily says she'll leave so they can have their abortion talk, and storms out of the restaurant. Carrie tells Miranda to ignore Charlotte's outburst and reminds her that all she ever thinks about lately is babies. Samantha concurs, calls the situation less than desirable, but that they've all been there...'cause of course they have. She admits to having two abortions, while Carrie admit to one after a reckless romp with a waiter from the Saloon. She's then careful to remind the gals that the Saloon was a very happening place in 1988, as if that's in any way relevant to her complete lack of responsibility in the birth control department. Carrie is taking forever to get dressed while Aidan patiently waits...and she keeps looking over at him as if she wants to say something, but then stops herself and backs away from him. He stares at her in puzzlement and asks her if she's gone cuckoo [that train left the station some time ago, Aidan], so she tells him she's going to divulge a secret...and that because it's in no way her secret to divulge or any of her damn business, he has to swear on Chanel that he won't breathe a word about it to another living soul. He's like, "Yeah, whatever", so she tells him that Miranda is pregnant and about to get an abortion, and that Charlotte's upset 'cause she's been trying to have a baby for months with no success. When Aidan inquires about the baby daddy, Carrie blabs that it's Steve, and that he knows nothing about any of this. Aidan's all, "Ack!", accuses her of trapping him into this secret, and points out that Steve deserves some say about whether or not his baby gets to be born. When he laments the shit end of the stick that men get whenever this kind of thing happens, Carrie just shrugs and meekly calls it "a tough situation". Aidan asks Carrie if she's ever had an abortion, and she lies through her teeth and says, "No. God no." Samantha and Carrie are staring through a store window at Samantha's latest object of fascination: a red Birkin. She says that despite it not being her style, she dreams about the day she can tool around town with a $4,000 handbag (!) 'cause that'll somehow be a sign that she's "made it". There is so much stupid about worshipping a designer label to the extent that someone in Samantha's income bracket would aspire to carry around a $4,000 accessory, I don't even know where to begin. Carrie tells her that she'll be accompanying Miranda to the abortion clinic, and also that she lied to Aidan's face when he point blank asked her if she's ever had one. Samantha assures her that it was the right decision, otherwise she'd have a thirteen year old brat running around now...and the two of them might never have met and become BFFs. Carrie says she never told her one night stand that he knocked her up, then laments not telling Aidan the truth. Samantha retorts by barking what the writers have made her asinine trademark phrase this episode: "Coulda, woulda, shoulda!" Samantha meets with her newest client, Lucy Liu. When Lucy Liu tells her how much she hates it when her hangers-on lie to her, Samantha boldly tells her that the dress she wore to the last Golden Globes was a fugly disaster...then grins all smug-like when Lucy Liu applauds her honesty. After Samantha pays the restaurant bill, Lucy grabs it, looks it over, and remarks on the generous 25% tip she left the waitress. Samantha smarmily retorts, "When I'm representing you, it's class all the way." Samantha drops by Hermès to salivate over Birkin again, and a snooty male salesclerk tells her that there's a five year waiting list. When a bewildered Samantha exclaims, "For a bag?" she's told, "It's not a bag. It's a Birkin." Samantha tells him that the Birkin would actually be for Lucy Liu, who wants to carry one at an upcoming movie premiere...and promises that it'll be photographed to death. The salesclerk perks up at that and says he'll immediately get on the horn with the Hermès press rep to inquire about letting her cut to the front of the Birkin waiting list. Charlotte makes a doctor's appointment to look into her babymaking problems, while Miranda makes an appointment to terminate her unwanted pregnancy. Ah, the sad irony. Samantha is ambling down a city street when she spots a sloppy looking woman in a track suit carrying a red Birkin. Or, at the very least, a convincing knock-off. Samantha impulsively pulls out her cell phone to call the Hermès press rep to bitchily ask "how the fuck long" Lucy Liu has to wait for her Birkin. She drops a few more f-bombs on the rep before smarmily ending the call with, "Thank you so much." If your livelihood is PR in New York, is it really a good idea to piss off the Hermès press rep? Carrie arrives home decked out in the stupidest outfit she's worn to date on the series, which means it's easily one of the stupidest outfits that anyone's ever worn on TV: an ultra short schoolgirl skirt, a white sleeveless shirt, chunky pearls around her neck, socks halfway up to her knees, and stilettos. She's startled by Steve, who has stopped by the apartment with Aidan for a bathroom break while shooting hoops in a nearby park. Steve asks Carrie how Miranda's doing and glumly says she hasn't returned any of his phone calls. Carrie does her best not to look guilty of any inside knowledge and tells him that Miranda is doing great, then dashes into the bathroom where Aidan is washing his hands. She tells him that Steve is asking about Miranda, then asks if he blabbed anything to him about the baby. Aidan says that, unlike her, he knows how to keep his mouth shut - but adds that he thinks the situation is very shitty and that Steve deserves to know he's a baby daddy. Carrie suddenly worries that Steve could be eavesdropping on them and bitchily sends Aidan on his way to go shoot some more hoops. While out for pizza, Miranda tells Carrie that her doctor doesn't perform abortions (and chirped, "No judgement!") which means she'll have to go to a different clinic. Carrie asks her if she's planning on telling Steve about any of this, and Miranda's like, "Uh, no..?" so Carrie 'fesses up about blabbing her secret to Aidan. Miranda's all, "Wha-a?!" and is irked that she now has to think about the shitty thing she's doing to Steve (along with the unborn). She asks Carrie if she ever told the Saloon guy that he impregnated her, and Carrie says that that was a totally different situation - plus they barely knew each other. Miranda says she's pretty sure that Steve would want her to have the baby...then self-piteously exclaims, "Forget my life - I'm having Steve's baby! Pizza for everybody!" Hmm...pizza. I could definitely use a slice of that deliciousness right now. Charlotte and Trey are at the doctor's office, getting the results of Charlotte's fertility testing...and it's not good. Turns out her blood and mucus tests reveal high levels of anti-sperm antibodies, which will make it difficult for Trey's Scottish sperm to take root. The doctor recommends that they explore in vitro asap. Or bicker about their barren marriage to the point of divorce. Charlotte is despondently walking down the street when she spots Miranda and abruptly changes direction. When Miranda calls her out on her bitchitude, she tearfully tells her she was just at the doctor's and learned that her body is "attacking Trey's sperm", and that she only has a 15% chance of ever getting pregnant. She adds that she's too sad and miserable to talk about it anymore and just wants to amble home by herself. Miranda offers to walk behind her in case she changes her mind about wanting to talk, then trails behind her all the way to Park Avenue, which I'm sure the writers intended to be sweet and reassuring...but it just seemed weird and intrusive. Lucy Liu meets up with Samantha, and she's clutching the red Birkin that Samantha bullied the Hermès press rep into producing. Lucy Liu tells her that this "freebie" isn't really her style - and Samantha refrains from squealing excitedly and explains that it's actually not a freebie, since she shelled out $4,000 for the dumb thing, and admits to dropping her name in order to cut to the front of the queue. Lucy Liu looks less than impressed, tells her she got an earful from the Hermès rep about all the f-bombs she dropped on her over the phone, and fires her. Samantha tries to chalk up the expletives to street noise - but Lucy Liu calls her a bad liar, and then she and Birkin storm out of the diner, never to be seen again. Carrie travels back in time to "a familiar crossroads" (aka the Saloon) looking her Southern Belle best in a white sundress and carrying a lacy white parasol. Did we suddenly get transported to Savannah? Who the hell carries a parasol in Manhattan? When she reaches the Saloon, she voice-overs that it hadn't changed at all - and that Chad, the one night stand waiter who knocked her up, was still a waiter there...which seems a bit depressing and sad. When he strolls over to take her order, she grins at him stupidly and goes, "Well, hello there!" and he responds by listing the soups of the day. LOL. Miffed, she says, "It's me, Carrie" and tells him that they "hung out" together one drunken night at the Tunnel thirteen years ago. He just continues to stare at her blankly and says he's never been to Tunnel. Bwahahahahaha!! Visibly embarrassed that he has no recollection whatsoever of the two of them bumping uglies, Carrie orders something random off the menu, so Chad throws her a bone and asks, "Was I at least smart enough to try something?" and Carrie fibs and says nope, and that he was the perfect gentleman. After he ambles off, she pays for her uneaten meal, decides she made the right decision about getting that abortion, and slinks out of the restaurant. Carrie is with Miranda at the abortion clinic, helping her fill out the paperwork. Miranda asks her if the procedure hurts, and Carrie says it doesn't and that it's mostly just unpleasant. Miranda asks her how long it'll take her to feel normal again...and Carrie stares sadly into space for a few seconds, pretending as though her long forgotten abortion has been plaguing her for the last thirteen years, and says, "Any day now." Miranda asks her if she's doing the right thing - but Carrie says she can't possibly answer that for her. Miranda starts to doubt her decision, then wonders what will happen if she wakes up a few years down the road and learns that she can't have anymore kids. She stares miserably at Carrie and asks, "Is this my baby?" just as the nurse calls her name. She scrunches her face in frustration, snaps, "Motherfucker!", and follows the nurse to the exam room. Later, the gigolas meet up at Miranda's apartment. Charlotte arrives bearing flowers as Carrie cuts up the lemon strudel she brought over. Miranda tells Charlotte that she's pretty freaked out...then breaks the news that she didn't go through with the abortion and has decided to keep the baby. Charlotte looks shocked and goes, "Oh my God" - and the gals eye her warily 'cause they're not sure which way she's going to go with her reaction - but when she happily squeals, "We're having a baby!" everyone chuckles with relief as Carrie parcels out pieces of strudel. Carrie is, as usual, ten minutes late meeting Aidan at a fancy restaurant...and because of her tardiness they're put on a long waiting list for a table. When they go outside to wait, she tells him the truth about getting knocked up thirteen years ago. She starts off by fibbing about how the condom broke - but then stops herself and admits that, nope, there was no condom, and that she was twenty-two and should have known better. No shit, dumbass. Aidan is his usual kind, non-judgey self and says that he too is no angel...and when Carrie anxiously asks him if she's still his girl, he's like, "Oh yeahhhhh." Poor, hopeless sap. She then blabs to him about Miranda's decision to keep the baby - but that he can't tell Steve, then and pronounces, "It's not our business". No shit, dumbass. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: The gals (minus Charlotte) are hanging at a pool hall with Aidan and Steve, celebrating the removal of Steve's diseased ball and subsequent remission from testicular cancer. It's Samantha's turn with the pool cue, and she's laying it on thick about how she only has one ball left to pocket - "It all comes down to just one little ball!" - and this causes Steve to stare sadly into space about his nut sack now being one testicle short. During a pause in the game, Miranda and Carrie discreetly tell Samantha to lay off the "one ball" talk...and Samantha sheepishly apologizes for not being more sensitive. Miranda asks Aidan what the big deal is about having only one ball, and he suggests that it might make Steve feel like less than a man. Samantha offers her expertise in the area and says that a lot of men are very much into their balls - and is about to tell the story about how she was barely able to stuff a particularly well-endowed man's balls in her mouth when Carrie orders her to shut it. One of Samantha's former fuck buddies (who she can't even vaguely remember) named Allan Jannis saunters over to brag to Samantha about how he was the architect who designed Richard Wright's newest hotel. Samantha perks up at that and says she'd be interested in doing the hotel's PR and asks Allan to get her a meeting with Wright, and he promises to do what he can. Over on Park Avenue, Charlotte and Trey are having moo shu takeout for dinner when Charlotte mentions that her doctor suggested he get his sperm checked. Trey haughtily snaps, "I'm eating", points out that they've only been babymaking for a few months, then asks her why she's assuming that his sperm is the source of their fertility problems. Charlotte says she's not assuming that; it's just easier to test the sperm. Trey whines that all this talk of sperm has ruined his appetite, then throws down his napkin and storms away from the table like the uptight little bitch he is. Carrie and Aidan are standing in front of her bathroom sink in their ratty looking underwear, brushing their teeth and discussing the pleasures of ball tugging. Carrie reaches out her hand in a cupping motion - but Aidan cringes and then doesn't let her hand near his crotch. As the two giggle at their silliness, the phone rings...and Aidan greets the caller with, "Bradshaw House of Pain. How can we hurt you?" but loses his humor once he realizes that Mr. Big is on the other end. He mutely hands the receiver to Carrie, who quickly tells Big it's not a good time 'cause she and Aidan are about to go to bed. Big doesn't care and starting moaning about how Willow Summers is fucking with his head - so Carrie discreetly tells Aidan that the oaf is having girlfriend problems and that she'll take the call in the other room. Big complains that Willow never answers his calls or returns his messages, then says, "She can reach me, but I can't ever get her!" and repeats that for unnecessary added emphasis. He says the problems all started after he flew to L.A. in order to take Willow to some MTV event, where she summarily 'dissed him. He plays the most recent phone message she left for him, in which she sings I'm In a New York State of Mind. After Carrie abruptly ends the call, Aidan asks her why she felt it necessary to take the phone into the other room...so she tells him she knows it makes him uncomfortable when her ex-lover calls and that she doesn't want him to feel threatened. Aidan assures her he's not threatened by that jerk and pronounces, "I can take him." He then compares himself and Mr. Big to the Green Hornet and Batman, and gabbles about how the Green Hornet is the superior of the two superheroes 'cause he has the moves. Plus he has Pete - who's like Kato - and Carrie looks on with dismay as Aidan and Pete start chasing each other around the apartment. At brunch, Carrie tells the gals about Aidan's superhero analogy and says she hopes that he fully gets that he has nothing to worry about where Big is concerned...since, no doubt, it's always going to be in the back of his mind that she's a shameless cheater who jumped in the sack with Big while they were supposedly in a relationship. She wonders aloud if it might be a good idea for the three of them to get together so that Aidan could see for himself how much she loves him, and that she and Big are nothing more than friends (er, future spouses). The gals don't think that that's a good idea at all, and Samantha cautions, "These are guys. They don't talk, they fight." Charlotte changes the subject and tells the gals that Trey's sperm is being tested for its potency, and that he got all pissy when she brought it up during dinner. She says she's never seen this haughty side of him before (uh, yes she has), so Miranda reminds her that anything resembling criticism of "that area" is a minefield. Carrie heads back to her apartment to ponder the neuroses of her male friends while she taps out her weekly dreck. She concludes that men and women are probably not so different that they're from different planets, but goes a bridge too far when she wonders aloud, "Are men just women with balls?" Nope. They're men. Who, unlike women, are born with testicles. As Miranda and Steve amble along the street together, Steve bellyaches about his missing ball and says he's toying with the idea of filling the newly created vacancy in his nut sack with a prosthetic. Miranda assures him that women don't actually give much thought to men's balls - but Steve says he can't help but be bothered by his deficiency and that he now feels lopsided. He made an appointment with a doctor to see about getting a prosthetic and wants Miranda to come along for moral support. Samantha is in a meeting with hotel magnate Richard Wright - played by actor James Remar, who I've always thought looks uncannily like Michael York. He glances at Samantha's resume of parties and social events and disparagingly calls it fluff, and Samantha sassily retorts, "What is it that you do in your hotels? Nuclear fission?" He admits to being intrigued by her [lack of style, class, or substance], then says he's been talking to another PR rep, Brad Rosen, who he's pretty much decided to hire. He suggests that she partner with Brad and share the workload...then makes it clear that her working alongside a man, i.e. "a partner who isn't so emotional", is the only way he'd ever consider putting a woman [with her low level of sophistication] on his PR payroll. At the next brunch summit, Samantha rails to the gigolas about Richard Wright's criticism of women being overly emotional, which is code for I don't want to hire a woman. Though it could also have been code for I don't want to hire an unclassy cougar who thinks about sex 24/7. Miranda says her law firm is like that, and that everyone's always worried that a woman is going to cry over a legal brief. Charlotte says she cried at the gallery once in ten years and no one ever let her forget it...and then Carrie cackles about how she once fake cried to her editor when she missed a deadline 'cause she was partying too hard in the Hamptons. The four complain about being regarded as too emotional just 'cause they're women, and Miranda theorizes in her usual blanket statement kind of way that men who are threatened by strong businesswomen write them off as emotional. Samantha decides that she's going to demand a second meeting with Richard Wright...and that by the time she's convinced him how awesome she is at PR, he'll be begging her to take the job. Apropos of nothing, Carrie tells the gals that she's planning to spend the weekend with Aidan in the country. Meaning Suffern. Which I wouldn't classify as "the country" so much as a bedroom community located less than an hour outside of Manhattan. Carrie is relaxing inside the Suffern cabin, reading InStyle - which, not coincidentally, features Willow Summers on the cover. A few seconds later, Big calls and says he got this number off of her answering machine...so Carrie explains that she and Aidan are spending a long weekend upstate. He tells her that Willow broke things off and said she never wants to see him again...and that he can't even get an adequate explanation for her change of heart 'cause she won't return any of his calls. He once again says, "She can reach me, but I can't get her" which...OK, we get it, Big. It's a cruel, one way communication system that the writers for some reason have decided is funny for you to repeat half a dozen times in the same episode. Carrie stares at the InStyle cover photo and remarks on how Willow has the eyes of a crazy person, and Big moans about what a chump he is for letting Willow break his heart. He sounds despondent when Carrie tells him she won't be back in the city until Monday, so she extends a half-hearted invitation for him to drive up to Suffern for a heart-to-heart, but then thinks better of it and tries to dissuade him by telling him what an unbearably looooong drive from Manhattan it is. Big perks up at the idea of dusting off his Jag and going for a ride, and pauses the call to get a pen and paper so he can write down directions to the cabin. Aidan asks Carrie who she was talking to on the phone just now, and she sheepishly says, "Batman" and that he'll be dropping by to commiserate with her about his heartbreak over Willow Summers. When Aidan shoots her a WTF? look, she says she accidentally invited him to drive up 'cause she felt bad about him being so brokenhearted. She shoves her foot in her mouth when she stupidly asks Aidan if a girl has ever broken his heart...and after he shoots her a mute stink-eye, he makes it clear that he doesn't want that philandering douche in his house. Carrie says they're just going to have a quick talk, and after that he'll head straight back to the city. She gives him a from-behind hug and coos, "You're my man. And I love you" and says she's only indulging Batman 'cause he's a friend who's badly hurting. Aidan snarls, "He'd better be fucking upset when he gets here" then remarks on the ginormous balls he has in coming onto his turf. Steve and Miranda are in the doctor's office, looking over the sample testicle prosthetics. The doctor says that the balls come in four sizes, so Miranda suggests that Steve try the medium - but he stares back at her with a hurt expression and says he was more thinking he was a large. The doctor informs Steve that the ball implant surgery is part of a clinical trial 'cause the prosthetics are still being tested for safety. Miranda looks alarmed and says no, reminds him about the false safety claims of the Ford Pinto, and forbids Steve from going the implant route. Trey is having difficulty getting it up in order to give the fertility doctor a sample of his sperm, so Charlotte comes to the rescue with a stack of Juggs magazines. He tells her he's so distracted 'cause he can't handle having being told he has yet another problem in his nether regions - but Charlotte assures him that she's sure the tests will conclude that he's got very strong Scottish sperm...then reaches down to give his balls a little tug. Trey perks up at the pleasurable stimulation, grabs the sample cup, and we later learn that his sperm turned out to be potent and plentiful. Fantastic. Richard Wright concedes to Samantha that it turns out she is the best person to be his PR rep - but that he still won't hire her. When Samantha presses him for a reason, he says it's 'cause she slept with his architect...along with more than half of the male population in Manhattan. Samantha gets indignant and says she slept with that flunky years ago, then unhelpfully snaps, "I barely know the guy!" She tells him that for a man with such an innovative vision he's very short-sighted, then gets up and storms towards the elevators. She struggles to keep herself from bursting into tears as Richard follows her, calling her name...and makes it behind the closed elevator doors seconds before the tears start spilling. Somehow, her outburst impressed Richard so much that he hired her the next day, and expressed his deep admiration for her balls. Mr. Big arrives at the Suffern cabin after dark, in the rain. Carrie runs over to his car and climbs into the passenger seat, and Big suggests they go somewhere for a drink. Carrie says that Suffern doesn't have any kind of watering hole (which I find impossible to believe) and invites him to come inside. Big makes a face and says he can't possibly talk about his contrived lady problems in front of Aidan, but Carrie's like, "Yes, you can. And you'd better." An hour later, Big is sitting inside the cabin, rambling incoherently about his Willow heartbreak while guzzling wine...and Aidan looks less than impressed. Big pulls out a cigarette - but Carrie stops him and says he's not allowed to light up inside the cabin. Big decides he's ready to head home, but it's obvious he can't move about without drunkenly stumbling around. Carrie tells Aidan they can't let him drive in this condition, so an irked Aidan gathers some bedding, throws it at Big, and barks at him to sleep on the couch. Miranda and Steve stop in at her apartment so she can give him the book A Positive Outlook to Healing. When Steve just kind of grunts disinterestedly, Miranda snarls that she's starting to hit her limit with his mopy-ness. He sadly explains that he was really counting on getting a prosthetic ball to fill his void down there, then mumbles, "Who's going to fuck a uniball bartender?" Miranda takes that as a personal challenge and unzips his fly...and the two start going at it atop her bed. Early the next morning, Aidan is bouncing a basketball against the cabin's exterior wall, all passive-aggressive-like to make it clear how annoyed he is at Big's presence in his cabin. A hungover Big wakes up and moans, "What's that pounding?" so Carrie tells him that Aidan is pretending to shoot hoops, and that he needs to go outside and make friends with him. Big dismissively says they're middle-aged men who have nothing in common - but Carrie points out that since she's ridden both of their baloney ponies, they have her in common. And that if he doesn't make an effort, she won't be able to stay in his life. Big stumbles outside and apologizes to Aidan about getting drunk and rambling incoherently all evening about his broken heart. When he suggests they shoot some hoops, Aidan dribbles the ball in the mud for a few seconds, then throws it hard at Big. After Big makes the shot, Aidan grabs the ball, dribbles it in mud again, and throws it at him...and when Big throws it back at him, the two lunge at each other and start rolling around in the mud. Carrie goes outside to see what all the commotion is about and shrieks, "Stop it! You're middle-aged!" but the fighting continues until Pete gets in on the action and bites Big on the ass. Yay Pete! Aidan and Big shower, change into clean clothes, and sit across from each other at the breakfast table. Big tells Aidan that Willow could always reach him, but that he could never get her...and Aidan looks entranced by the overplayed conundrum and is all, "Whoa, dude. That's fucked up" while Carrie reads her InStyle magazine and looks on in smug amusement. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how the more privileged Manhattanites have a second home in the country...and she's saying this as Aidan is showing her the before and after photos of his rustic Rockland County cabin. When Carrie refrains from pointing out that the photos look nearly identical, he acknowledges that you really have to be there in person to appreciate it. He invites her to come up with him next week, and she pretends to look disappointed when she declines 'cause of a meeting she has with her editor. Aidan's like, "No problem!" and tells her that the cabin is a mere forty minute train ride from Manhattan...which means she can zip back to the city for her meeting, then come right back to Hicksville. He giddily dances with joy, then lapses into a fake southern twang as he do-si-dos and sings, "You're comin' to the country with meeee!" A few seconds later, Miranda drops by and tells Aidan that Steve still has her listed as his in-case-of-emergency person with his insurance company and huffily says, "He needs to update that whole file." Aidan tells her that Steve has some stuff he wants to talk to her about, and she snidely retorts, "What? That he wants to start seeing me again? That he can't stop thinking about me? That he's still in love with me?" and Aidan wryly informs her that Steve has testicular cancer and probably just needs a friend to talk to. Miranda looks suitably sheepish and mutters, "That I'm a horrible, selfish bitch?" - well d'yuh - and puts her stricken face on. Charlotte is atop the bed performing pelvic fertility exercises when Trey enters the room, likes what he sees, and mounts her. She warns him that she's not scheduled to ovulate for another five days...and that she'd rather he conserve his sperm so that it'll be at its most potent on Ovulation Day. Trey reminds her that they're going to be in Connecticut on Saturday for Bunny's orchid show...and Charlotte shrugs and says they're just going to have to have sex under his mother's roof. Trey decides he can get into that action, and the two engage in some light smooching. Miranda and Steve meet up in a park, and she peppers him with questions about the status of his diseased testicle. When he doesn't seem to have much in the way of information or knowledge of any kind of treatment plan in the works, she tells him she asked around at her firm and got the name of a specialist. Steve says he already has a doctor and that testicular cancer isn't such a big deal 'cause it's practically trendy nowadays - and a fed up Miranda screams, "It is a big fucking deal!" and says if he doesn't take his illness seriously, the cancer will start to spread and he will die. Steve stares back at her with a hurt, tearful expression on his face. At brunch, a sheepish Miranda tells the gals she yelled at Steve and made him cry, but Samantha applauds her for giving him the kick in the ass he needed in order to properly deal with his cancer. Carrie tries to convince the gals that they could all use a relaxing weekend at Aidan's "country house" - but Samantha makes a blech face and says she's not remotely interested, Miranda claims she needs to stay in town to make Steve feel bad about himself, and Charlotte says that she and Trey will be bumping uglies while stuck at Bunny's Connecticut compound for the weekend. Samantha rhetorically asks whaddup with all the men she's been doinking lately asking her what she's doing on the weekend...then explains that her weekends are for meeting new guys so that she doesn't "have to keep fucking the old ones". I can't help but wonder why this old whore never worries about all the various STDs she could get...or, scarier yet, luring the wrong kind of dude up to her loft. Would it not be a fitting end to her life if some closet psychopath bludgeoned her to death after getting enraged over her no fucking on any upcoming weekend policy? Carrie whines about being "a hick town hostage", then decides she'll give the country a half-hearted effort for Aidan's sake...and this prompts a derisive eye roll from Miranda, who doesn't believe in compromise of any kind. She asks Carrie what hick town she's about to become a hostage of, and Carrie looks shamefaced and calls it "too awful for words", then tells them it's Suffern. The four cackle as Miranda mockingly advises her to "take some Buffern to Suffern". Aidan, Carrie, and Pete arrive in Suffern in Aidan's pick-up truck...and Carrie looks dismayed by the dilapidated state of the cabin. She totters around in her stilettos as she drags her designer suitcase up the wooden steps and into the cabin...'cause why be practical and put on a pair of fucking flats for a change and transport a couple of pairs of t-shirts and jeans in a simple overnight bag? Aidan proudly tells her he just installed a new water heater...then pauses and asks her if she finds the place as scary as she thought she would. She nervously chortles and fake exclaims, "God no!" but then voice-overs that it was far scarier, and that she'd much rather be out cocktailing or sale-ing. When a squirrel suddenly appears on the window sill, Carrie acts as if she's never seen any of the hundreds of squirrels that regularly roam Central Park and screams bloody murder. Aidan comes running over, gives her a funny look when he sees what she's screaming about, then explains that this is his squirrel, and that he's been trying to coax it over with nuts so that it'll be more friendly. Carrie snarkishly retorts that a squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit. After a quick doink, Aidan falls asleep at 8:30pm, leaving a restless Carrie wandering around the cabin. She makes herself a few too many Vodka Kool-Aids and uses the time to tap out her weekly nonsense. As she irritably swats at mosquitoes, she ponders whether relationships are a series of compromises, and can't help but wonder: in a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising? All I know, Carrie, is that the sooner you cut Aidan loose, the sooner he can start shopping around for a woman who would actually appreciate and deserve his sweet kindness. Samantha has just wrapped up a bump and grind session with her latest hookup when the guy asks her what she's doing next weekend. She rolls her eyes in disgust, springs out of the bed, and throws his clothes at him. He just stares back at her in confusion, 'cause I guess she didn't make it clear that her interest in him wasn't going to extend past a one time fuckfest. Steve is hanging with Miranda at her apartment, watching TV and eating Chinese takeout. Steve complains that he's getting creeped out by how uncharacteristically sweet she's being to him, e.g. offering him the last spring roll when she has a history of scarfing them all down herself. She explains that she's feeling very guilty and sheepish for bitching at him in the park...so he informs her that after that bitch-slapping, he went and called the specialist she recommended - which means that he now has a doctor who knows what he's doing, an operation scheduled, and insurance that's going to pay for it. He grins at her and adds, "So thank you for being a huge bitch." Bunny gives Charlotte a tour of her greenhouse to proudly show off her prize-winning orchids. They are very lush and pretty, I'll give her that. Charlotte does her best to feign interest in the flowers as she periodically checks her watch. Bunny hands her a repotted orchid and pronounces that it's a gift for her - like the gift she's about to give the MacDougals. Which I'll take to mean that Trey blabbed to his mother about their baby making efforts. Carrie is driving Aidan's pick-up truck to a fast food drive-thru while talking on her cell to Charlotte. She complains about the torture of having to spend any amount of time in Hicksville, while Charlotte complains that Bunny has already picked out names and private schools for hers and Trey's non-existent child. Carrie decides to give her country getaway a chance, so she changes into a pair of overalls and offers to help Aidan with whatever he's puttering around with. He decides it's the perfect time for the two of them to transport railroad ties over to a mud hole...and we get to watch Carrie be all "fish out of water" as she repeatedly falls backwards into the mud and gets her clothes and hair all filthy. Once the hijinks have run their course, Carrie throws in the towel on giving Suffern a chance and tells Aidan she has to head back to the city for her editor's meeting. Four hours later, Carrie is in a swanky Manhattan restaurant with Big, enjoying a steak dinner. She bitches and moans about having to spend time in the country despite how much she loooooves Aidan - then pauses and asks Big if it's OK to talk about this stuff. He shrugs and tells her that he too has met someone...but that she has to keep it on the down low 'cause the someone is actress Willow Summers. Apparently, he met her at a movie premiere, went out for drinks, then back to her hotel room for a romp. He starts to elaborate by saying, "The dress came off" - but Carrie stops him 'cause deep inside she still can't stand the thought of him bedding a woman who's not her. Big says he can't get Willow out of his head, and is giddy about how crazy she is about him. He solemnly says, "There's something here...a connection" and that he's pretty sure it's love. After dinner, Carrie looks deep in thought as she wanders the streets of Manhattan in her ultra short skirt...which has some kind of strange looking tail sewn on the back of it - no doubt inspired by the fluffy white balls the Playboy Bunnies used to wear on the rump of their bodysuits. Carrie has somehow roped Samantha into coming to Suffern with her so she can keep her company while she tries her hand at baking a pie. Samantha looks as bored as possible while fanning herself and complaining about the oppressive heat. She grumbles about what a dump the cabin is just as Aidan enters the room - which would have been awkward if Samantha had any ability to feel embarrassment - then looks out the window and is intrigued by the sight of a sexy, shirtless farmer riding around on a tractor. When she saucily asks, "Who's the farmer with the delts?" Aidan tells her his name is Luke Gilmore, and that he moved to Suffern shortly after the last market crash. Samantha fashions a crop top out of the loud pink blouse she's wearing, grabs a measuring cup from Carrie, and tells her they're going to need some milk for their pie. Samantha coos, "Yoo hoo!" as she sashays into Luke's barn...and he stares at her quizzically and asks her if she's lost. She explains that she's from next door and was wondering if she could get some milk for her pie, so Luke motions at one of his cows, says, "Help yourself", and watches in amusement. Samantha totters over to the cow in her stupid high heels and seats herself on a tiny milking stool. She checks out the mammary glands on the cow's udder and cheekily remarks that something tells her she'd be very good at squeezing and rolling those dick-like appendages. On her first try she gets squirted in the face, then "jokes" about how she usually gets a little warning before that happens. The two ogle each other and look horned up enough to strip down and start going at it in the barn (spoiler alert). Charlotte races up to the guest room and bellows at Trey (who's soaking in the tub) that she's about to ovulate. She barks, "Get in this bed and make love to me right now!" then bursts into the bathroom and is all, "Ack!!" when she finds Bunny sitting beside the tub, chatting with Trey while puffing on a cigarette. She tells Charlotte she was just telling her son how much she reminds her of herself at a young age...and Charlotte just stares at the disturbing sight with an expression of weirded out bewilderment. Trey finds Charlotte milling around the greenhouse amid the orchids...and when she remarks on the weirdness of the bathroom scene she just walked in on, he explains that he was raised by his nanny and that the only time Bunny ever carved out time for him in her busy schedule of socializing and tennis matches was during bath time. Sounds like she was a pretty shit mother. Charlotte's watch alarm suddenly goes off...and when she tells him she's ovulating, the two decide to go at it right then and there and accidentally destroy a few of Bunny's prize winning orchids in the process. Miranda is sitting at Steve's bedside when he wakes up from his operation. She tells him she spoke with the doctor, and that he told her everything "looks good down there" to which she jokingly replied she'd seen better. A nurse pokes her head in the room and tells Miranda she has to leave, but she refuses and haughtily informs her that she's Steve's in-case-of-emergency person. The nurse says she can stay for twenty more minutes, but after that visiting hours are over. Over in the barn, Samantha is riding Luke as she loudly moans. The two climax at exactly the same time, then collapse on some hay. A satiated Luke asks her what she's doing next weekend, and she glares at him in disgust and storms off like the bizarre weirdo she is. Carrie takes her pie crust out of the oven and proudly tells Aidan that they just need to peel some apples - but Aidan tells her she's on her own with that 'cause he needs to shower. A few seconds later, his pet squirrel makes a second appearance on the window sill...and once again Carrie screams bloody murder and drops the pie crust onto the floor, squealing from the pain of the hot pan burning her legs. She starts railing about how much she hates the cabin and doesn't belong in the country, while Aidan calmly applies ice to the burned parts of her legs and refrains from calling her out on her obnoxious bitchitude and contemplating what a soul-sucking relationship this is probably going to turn out to be in the long run. When she finally simmers down, she contritely apologizes for acting like such a big baby....and poutishly says she doesn't hate the cabin, just the squirrel. She agrees to compromise by spending just weekends at the cabin...and Aidan is agreeable to that, and the two start kissing and then going at it atop the kitchen counter. Upon returning to civilization, Carrie and Samantha get fresh apple pies at McDonalds and then amble along the street. Carrie says she hates the country a little less than she did before - now that she's not expected to spend all of her time there. Also, Aidan agreed to install an air conditioner so that he'd no longer have to listen to her incessant bitching and moaning about the place being too hot. Just run, Aidan. Run far and fast. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
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