Recap: Carrie and Jack are eating out at a burger place, and Carrie can't help herself from dazzling viewers with her fancy wordplay in a giddy voice-over: the only thing as delicious as those first few bites of a truly great burger are those first few dates with someone truly great like Berger. As Jack gabbles about doing a book tour in his hometown, Carrie happily voice-overs about how fresh, fun, and foreplayish everything is at the beginning of a romance, wheeeeeee!! The next day, the two go shopping for shower curtains at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, then smooch with nauseating intensity in a restaurant until the weary wait staff shuts off the lights, glares at them in annoyance, and refrains from telling them to get a damn room. And speaking of getting a room, Carrie promptly decides that she wants Jack in her bed, bath, and beyond like pronto.
The two head back to Carrie's apartment and indulge in their maiden doink...and Jack lays atop her while engaging in some quiet, awkward looking thrusting. Through the open window, Carrie hears the M11 bus pull up, drop people off, and drive away...and she stares despondently into space for a moment, then scrunches her face in bewilderment.
The following evening, Samantha brings the gals to the trendy restaurant Raw, which serves uncooked vegan, non-dairy food. Carrie lets out an exaggerated yawn and says she didn't get much sleep last night...and that, yep, it's party due to her getting boned by Jack for the first time. When the gals demand the juicy deets, she says there are none...then wails about how great she and Jack are everywhere - in restaurants, on the phone, out shopping - but in the sack. When the hot young waiter (hellooooo Smith!) sashays over to serve the gals small bowls of a green soup-like substance, Samantha eyes him hungrily and exchanges flirty banter...while Miranda takes a sip of the soup, makes a blech face, and describes it as "lawn in a bowl".
Charlotte says she has an important announcement to make and demands everyone's undivided attention...and when the gals are all staring at her curiously, she dramatically declares, "I'm becoming a Jew" then grins maniacally. When she's met with looks of perplexed incredulity, she explains that she's making this transition 'cause she desperately wants to get on Harry's marriageable list, and is meeting with a rabbi to make it official. Samantha contorts her face into a look of disdain and asks, "Isn't that a lot of hoop jumping for a man?" and Charlotte's like, "Well, d'yuh", then says she never expected to fall in love with a dorky bald Jewish man who refuses to marry a non-Jew despite not being very devout in any other aspect of the religion. She adds that converting to Judaism is a small price to pay for the security of being married to a rich lawyer...and also being able to continue having the most exciting sex of her life.
After a unsatisfying meal of lawn soup and cactus salad, Carrie and Miranda head to a pizza joint to get some real sustenance. Miranda jokingly announces that she's acquired a new boyfriend, TiVo, and that she's loving the way he records various TV shows he thinks she'll enjoy, like Jules & Mimi, a raunchy UK soap about an interracial couple from opposite ends of town. Carrie changes the subject to herself and complains again about how bad her first doink with Jack was...and that it caught her off-guard 'cause she expected it to be so amaaaazing. Miranda warns her to start lowering her expectations asap.
Charlotte arrives at a synagogue to beam at the rabbi and tell him she'd like to become a Jew asap. He shoots her a disdainful once-over, says, "We're not interested", then shuts the door in her face. Bwahahaha! Charlotte's all, "Wuh?" and raps on his office door...and when a young man answers, she haughtily tells him she'd like to report a very rude man. The young man rolls his eyes disdainfully before also shutting the door in her face.
Charlotte complains to Harry about the rabbi's rudeness, and Harry explains that rabbis typically turn down Jewish wannabes three times in order to make extra sure they're really serious (which Charlotte clearly is not if all she wants out of Judaism is marriage to the guy she enjoys getting boned by). Charlotte looks intrigued as she mulls that over, then says it sounds like he's a Rules Rabbi. She credits herself for inventing the Rules head game, pompously declares, "No man rejects Charlotte York!" ... then plops herself on Harry's lap, and the two start going at it.
Just as Miranda is preparing to spend the evening with TiVo, Magda sheepishly enters the living room to confess to doing something bad to the TiVo remote. Miranda looks aghast...and when she turns on the TiVo, she's horrified to see that her favorite programs have all been deleted. She panics about missing the pivotal post-coital Morning After episode following Jules's and Mimi's first doink, which...egads! It's really a shame for her that Netflix didn't exist back in 2003.
Jack phones Carrie and makes a wry joke about being too busy lately to get to a phone...and Carrie giggles at his relentlessly wry wit, musing again about how great they are while bantering over the phone. She invites him over for a booty call...and in the next scene, Jack is atop her, and the sex is as quiet and awkward as it was the first time.
While lingerie shopping, Samantha advises Carrie to dump Jack like yesterday's news asap - but Carrie wonders if, considering their advancing age and skankiness, they can really afford to be so choosy and "jump to the dump" (they cannot). Samantha, who's always been stubbornly in denial about that glaring reality, cackles about her intention to bump uglies with the Raw waiter and instructs the perky lingerie saleswoman to find her an outfit that will make a man "come in his pants as soon as he sees me" ... and the saleswoman's like, "I'm on it" and rushes off to peruse the store's inventory of streetwalker undergarments. Carrie moans about how she wants to have a discussion with Jack about what giant duds they are in bed, but Samantha advises against it and tells her to instead turn up the heat by buying slutty lingerie with matching furry slippers.
A despondent Miranda is yelling at the TiVo technician over the phone. She pauses to compose herself, apologize for her outburst, then calmly explains that she currently has no life outside of working and watching naughty BBC shows on her TiVo device.
Carrie is out to dinner with Jack and proudly showcases her cleavage bearing dress. When he just stares back at her blankly, she quickly orders a round of margaritas to loosen things up, then re-thrusts her cleavage at him.
Charlotte makes a house call to the rabbi with a bottle of kosher wine, but he shuts the door in her face again. When she knocks again, the rabbi's wife answers...and Charlotte bursts in and wails that she's in love with a Jewish man and doesn't have time to play Rules games. She's startled when she looks around and realizes that the rabbi and his rather large family were about to start their Friday night service...and the rabbi wearily tells Charlotte her to shut up, sit down, and hopefully learn something by watching them as they do their singing, praying, and whatnot.
Samantha and a legion of horny women are at Raw, salivating over the hot waiter.
Miranda arrives home and finds Steve hanging with Brady. Steve mentions that the TiVo technician had to reschedule - so he tooled around with the machine and managed to get it working again. Miranda's all, "Wuh?" then turns on the TiVo and squeals happily when her favorite programs show up in the queue. She blurts out, "I love you!" then blushes and stammers, "Uh...I mean for fixing that." Steve says that Magda told him it was important he do everything humanly possible to retrieve the afterglow episode of Jules & Mimi, then announces that he has "a dinner thing" and heads out, leaving Miranda staring after him wistfully.
Four hours later, Samantha is still at Raw, patiently waiting out the other horny women. When the waiter politely declines showing an interest in any of them, they throw in the napkin one by one and head out - until just Samantha and a mannish looking woman are left. Samantha decides to speed this pathetic storyline along...so she struts over to her competitor and offers to pay for her check if she'll leave the coast clear for her to bag the hot waiter. The woman looks Samantha over, decides she couldn't possibly compete with her one-night-stand brand of skankitude, and agrees to call it a night.
A drunk Carrie and Jack arrive at her apartment and stagger around. Carrie shows off her cleavage again, then tells Jack to get ready for some sexy time. She shows him the furry slippers she bought at the lingerie store...but falls over while trying to put them on. Jack mumbles, "Are you OK?" then flops onto her bed and passes out.
Samantha and Smith go at it in every position imaginable - at one point atop a chair atop her bed...instead of just boning in the chair where it normally sits. During some post-coital canoodling, Smith says he has a secret, then reveals he was more than ready to go home with her the first night they met. She's all, "Ack! I ate a fucking cactus!" then orders him to make it up to her while shoving his face down to her nether regions. He's like, "Cool!" and eagerly gets to work on her well worn cooch.
Carrie wakes up to the noises of the M11 bus again...and when Jack, who's laying beside her fully clothed, wakes up, the two make a half-hearted effort to start going at it. After a few seconds of awkward thrusting, he snaps, "I suck! This is awful!" and Carrie buries her face in her hands and concurs. The two lament the awfulness of being such duds in the sack despite sparking every time they go to a restaurant, so then Jack suggests solving that problem by making the bed more like a restaurant. He dashes to the kitchen and brings back salt and pepper shakers while Carrie displays her furry slippers, which Jack pretends are a huge turn-on. After a few seconds, the two lunge at each other and go at it in earnest...and this time it looks as though the boring-as-fuck sex has magically metamorphosed into an orgasmic doinkfest- phew! - just in time for the end credits to roll.
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Recap: Carrie has somehow overslept on the one day she actually has to be somewhere before noon: ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange...'cause, yeah, that's plausible. She bursts out of her apartment in her fancywear and stupid stilettos, climbs into the first available cab...and when traffic comes to a standstill, she throws money at the cabbie and runs over to the nearest subway station. Which she should have just done in the first place, 'cause as unrealistic as it is for Carrie to be able to earn a living writing raunch for a tabloid rag , she's still in the working class category of people and shouldn't be able to afford to take a fucking cab to get to everyplace she needs to get to in Manhattan. She makes it to the Stock Exchange in the nick of time, is ushered through the trading floor and onto the upper floor balcony, where she presses the opening bell and looks thoroughly delighted with herself for being NYSE's Chosen One for the day...which I found utterly, utterly nauseating.
The following day, the gals have lunch in the meat packing district. Samantha complains that lately New York has gotten too sanitary - e.g. no more smoking in bars - and huffily snarks, "What's next? No fucking in bars?" Carrie changes the subject to herself and gushes about her new man (Jack Berger) and and how excited she is about their date on Friday night. Charlotte cautions her to find out from the get-go what his bottom line is, then changes the subject to herself and sadly announces that Harry refuses to get serious about a woman unless she's a fellow Jew.
At dinner, Harry orders pork, prompting Charlotte to be all, "Wha-a-a-?" then comes out and tells him she doesn't get how he can be so lax about eating pork while insisting that his wife be Jewish. Harry acknowledges how contrived it is for the writers to have thrown this wrench into their budding romance just so they could have something resembling a Season 5 cliffhanger, then explains that he's been so transfixed by her since the moment they met, he couldn't not hit the sheets with her. He self-deprecatingly says he never dreamed that a goddess like her could ever fall for a putz like him...and Charlotte laughs and half-heartedly assures him he's not a putz.
Miranda is changing Brady when she accidentally smears some of his poop on her forehead. Steve points at it and laughs...and when she tries to wipe it off, she somehow gets even more of it across her forehead. Steve takes a wet nap and wipes the poop off of her...and Miranda gets a sudden urge to be playful and grabs the dirty wet nap and chases him into the living room with it. When she suddenly realizes they're having a lighthearted moment, she contorts her face into a sour expression, snaps,"It's not that fucking funny" then bitchily asks him if he has a life. Steve sadly retorts that he does have a life, then gives Brady a goodbye kiss before dejectedly shuffling out.
Miranda lugs Brady over to Carrie's apartment to announce that she's in love with Steve, and could she please get a stiff drink while she processes the ramifications of this snorefest of a revelation. Carrie chuckles and says she's known for awhile that she was in love with her baby daddy, but is surprised that she's willing to admit it. Miranda says that while she was chasing after Steve with a poopy wet nap last night, it dawned on her that they belong together...so naturally she picked a fight with him and threw him out of her apartment. When Carrie contorts her face in confusion, Miranda decides she should probably take Steve somewhere romantic and profess her sudden love for him.
As Samantha struts down the street towards her loft, she sees a man who looks like he just stepped off the cover of a Harlequin romance novel climb out of a black hummer and head towards her building. She screeches, "Hold the door!" and purringly explains that she also lives here. He introduces himself as Chip, and Samantha acts all flirtily seductive when she learns that he lives in the apartment directly above hers [insert predictably crass joke here about her being underneath him].
As Charlotte rides Harry's baloney pony, she asks him if "this Jewish thing" is really that big of a deal, and he's like, "Noooooo!" as he blows his wad. The following morning, Charlotte cuddles against Harry for some post-coital afterglow and tells him how happy he is that he changed his mind about caring that she's not Jewish...and when he's all, "Wha-a?" she reminds him that he agreed to this while they were bumping uglies last night. He bewilderedly says he can barely remember his own name when he's coming and accuses her of overt orgasmic manipulation. He explains that he once promised his mother he'd marry a Jew, 'cause apparently keeping up that tradition was super important to her...and Charlotte looks bummed, but then perks up when Harry tells her his mother is no longer among the living.
Carrie is screening her calls when Jack Berger calls and leaves a rambley message about their upcoming date that I'm sure the writers expect us to think is witty and fun instead of the world-weary, tedious way that Jack has already started to grate on me.
As Carrie lunches with the gals, she gabbles excitedly about her upcoming date with Jack. She squeals about how happy she is to be under the illusion that she and Jack are going to be a great couple...then says that by some strange coinkidink, she was also just asked out by a second gentleman caller. Charlotte urges her to accept the invitation so she doesn't put too much stock into her Berger date...and Carrie mulls that over and agrees to go on a coffee date with man #2.
Carrie is at home, typing out her weekly schlock so she can ponder aloud the similarities between dating and the stock market. She gives viewers something to chew on when she taps out 'when it comes to finance and dating, why do we keep investing?' then lets that notion whirl around her own head as she stares blankly into space.
Miranda calls Steve, using prepared notes to aid her while she leaves him a voicemail asking him out to dinner tomorrow night so she can confess something important.
Samantha delivers a welcome to the building basket filled with cheese, condoms, and handcuffs to Chip...and just happens to catch him after a shower when he has nothing but a towel loosely cinched around his perfectly muscled torso. He warns her that if he takes the basket from her there won't be anything holding up his towel...and Samantha coos, "I'm no fool" and gives him a suggestive once-over. Chip drops the towel and accepts the basket, and Samantha struts past him in search of the nearest mattress. A few minutes later, Chip rewards her for an awesome blow job with a hot stock tip, which she eagerly jots down.
Carrie meets her backup date, Willie Applegate, for coffee...and he's as awkward and dorky as awkward and dorky can be. The date goes from wretched to unsalvageable when a pigeon lands on Willie's head twice, and he reacts by having a shrieky freakout and knocking over the table and chairs. Oh the hilarity of physical comedy.
Carrie meets up with Charlotte at a supermarket and gives her a recap of her cartoonishly bad date with Willie. Charlotte's like, "That's nice" and gabbles about how Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism so she could marry Eddie Fisher. On her way to the checkout, she looks over the kosher section...and makes an icked out face at all the jars of weird looking food.
When Charlotte tells Harry the Elizabeth Taylor/Eddie Fisher conversion story, he perks up and asks her if she'd ever consider conversion. She asks him what's so special about being a Jew and says he's going to have to give her a reason she can relate to (pleasing his late mother doesn't count), so he says if they were to get married and have kids, he'd want them to be raised in the Jewish faith. Charlotte scrunches her face in distress and tells him she's reproductively challenged and that there's a strong possibility she might never bear children. Harry just shrugs unconcernedly, says he loves her, and that they could always adopt. Charlotte looks touched by the non-judgeyness she never got from Trey and gives him a big smooch.
Samantha is riding a handcuffed Chip while wearing her bra and panties...and I mentally added the last part of that visual to my list of most annoying TV tropes. A few seconds later, a stern-faced man in a trench coat is let into the apartment by Juan, the building manager. Trench Coat identifies himself as an FBI agent and tells Chip he's under arrest for insider trading...then asks Samantha to please unlock her sexy time handcuffs so he can cuff Chip with his real ones.
At dinner, Miranda tells Steve she wants to explain why she was being so bitchy to him the other day - but he interjects and says he's pretty sure it's 'cause he's been hanging around her apartment too much. He promises it won't happen as much anymore 'cause he has a new girlfriend, then happily says that things are going really well...and that Miranda can relax with the knowledge that he's no longer in love with her. Miranda's like, "Oh...good" then scrunches her face in a pained expression that Steve ignores or is somehow oblivious to.
Miranda meets up with Carrie in a park and brusquely tells her to ignore everything she said about being in love with Steve. Carrie points out that since they share a child, she should still have been honest with him regardless of his girlfriend news - but then has to put a pin in the conversation when she spots Jack Berger ambling along a nearby street. She's all, "Ack! I look like shit!" - and, yeesh, she's definitely not kidding about that. She looks like she put on her day clothes over a ratty white nightgown, then cinched a too-tight burgundy sweater above her waist with a button that looks like it's doing all it can to keep from popping off. In her effort to avoid running into Jack, she turns down a side street and runs right into - ack! - Aidan, who's standing with his back to her so we don't see the baby he's toting until he slowly turns around and dramatically reveals to viewers that he became a father since last we saw him. He smilingly says, "I have a baby", and Carrie cheekily retorts, "I have a date." Thanks for that dumb response. Aidan tells her he married a furniture designer like himself, and soon after the wedding they had little Tate. He invites Carrie to hang around and meet his wife so he can rub her face in how much he's upgraded since dumping her, but Carrie wisely declines and says she has to run. The two hug goodbye, agree it was good seeing each other again, and Carrie ambles off while Aidan stares after her - no doubt thinking how lucky he is to have dodged that horsey-faced bullet.
Carrie decides she's longer embarrassed by the atrocious get-up she left the house in that day and calls Jack on his cell. She tells him she's just outside a movie theater where the movie they had planned to see together is playing, and asks him if he's available. He tells her he is, that's he's nearby, and will meet up with her soon. A few seconds later, he saunters over to the theater and jokes about how he's not wearing the special outfit he picked out for their date...and Carrie chuckles knowingly as she gazes down at her ratty nightie-like top that Jack has somehow refrained from laughing at. The two amble inside to embark on their first official date, chatting and bantering excitedly.
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Recap: The Sex and the City gals are out at a club, watching Nathan Lane sing and play piano. During a short break, he gives a nauseating shoutout to his "celebrity friend", little Miss Carrie Bradshaw - blech - then starts belting out Is That All There Is? In the next scene, Nathan Lane comes over to where the gals are sitting and introduces them to his lady friend, Bitsy Von Muffling, who starts gushing about how madly in love she is and is looking forward to her big Hamptons wedding. When Samantha asks her who the lucky stud is, Nathan Lane proudly says, "Me" and Carrie starts laughing uncontrollably while he stares at her in quiet dismay. When she finally realizes he wasn't kidding, she pries her foot out of her mouth and squeaks, "You're getting married?" and he's like, "Yep" and says he finally found the right beard - I mean girl. After he and Bitsy saunter off, the gals exchange WTF? glances and cackle about how Nathan Lane is the equivalent of ten gay men...and Carrie declares, "This wedding will never happen."
The next morning at breakfast, Carrie has to concede, "It's happening" and Samantha holds up the wedding invitation and confirms that the Hamptons venue has been booked, which means they're now going to have to figure out how to best mooch their way into staying at someone's Hamptons house. Samantha chides herself for dumping Richard five episodes ago 'cause he's the owner of a fantastic Hamptons house, while Miranda snarks that Bitsy should just come out and admit that she's marrying a gay man purely for the companionship. Charlotte wonders if Nathan Lane and Bitsy are even having sex, and Samantha says it doesn't much matter, since all married couples stop having sex eventually. Carrie questions how a couple can possibly maintain a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu, aka that excited feeling of butterflies in your gut whenever you gaze upon your beloved. And speaking of zsa zsa zsu, Charlotte confesses to the gigolas that she's been seeing someone who's bald, short, and talks with his mouth full. She even hates his name - Harry - on account of he's hairy everywhere but on his head. Samantha makes an eww face and asks her if the sex is bad too, but Charlotte gets a dreamy expression on her face and says, "It's the best sex of my life" and looks slightly alarmed as she admits, "I think I might really like him."
Charlotte and Harry are in bed together, munching on pizza. Harry announces that he's been invited to Bitsy Von Muffling's Hamptons wedding 'cause apparently they became friends while he handled her divorce. Charlotte tries to pretend as if she can't possibly go 'cause she's not swimsuit ready for a Hamptons weekend - but when Harry presses her for a more believable excuse, she admits she's too embarrassed by his hairy back and urges him to get it waxed. Harry promises to get it waxed if she attends the wedding with him...and the two start going at it.
Carrie taps out her column, pondering the notion of people making a relationship work until death do them part, then decides it might actually be a good strategy to marry a gay/platonic friend. She taps out when it comes to saying 'I do', is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu? then stares contemplatively into space as if the only two options that exist for marriage are a) a sexless friendship, or b) a passionate, but doomed-to-fail union.
Samantha leaves Richard a phone message which belatedly declares that their icky relationship needs an official settlement, aka a weekend at his home in the Hamptons. She smugly adds that he's not invited, then chirps, "It's Samantha! Call me!" It remains unclear why Richard didn't just hit the delete button when he received this message instead of graciously agreeing to loan out his luxury Hamptons pad.
Miranda arrives home and finds Steve napping in her bedroom while little Brady snoozes in his crib. She notices sweet smelling lilac on her night stand and asks Steve if Magda put it there, and he tells her he got it from a garden in Queens. The two gaze over at each other for a few seconds, then start going at it in earnest.
While at a rest stop en route to the Hamptons, Miranda tells Carrie she slept with Steve...and regrets it 'cause they're now in "a grey area" - and that prior to the doink, not having sex was the only thing that held their relationship together. Samantha gets off her cell and excitedly tells Miranda and Carrie that her party at Casa Wright is going to be amaaaazing: strictly A-list. She then frowns at Brady, who's sitting on Miranda's lap, and bitchily decrees that "shitty pants" will be barred from attending her party. A few seconds later, a man who looks like he doesn't have the minimum level of skill to be riding on a motorcycle rides up on a motorcycle. When he takes off his helmet, Carrie is pleasantly surprised to see that it's Jack Berger. As the two engage in their usual annoying flirty banter...blah blah...she invites him to Samantha's party at Casa Wright, and he says he's familiar with the lavish house and promises to drop by.
Over at Casa Wright, Samantha is directing various deliverymen to the pool area to set up tables and chairs when three busty young women arrive. When Samantha assumes they're part of the wait staff, they explain that they're part of Richard's harem of vapid tarts who have standing permission to hang by the pool whenever. Samantha haughtily says they can't pool-hang today 'cause she's having a big party at 3pm, but one of them assures her they'll be "fried" by 3pm...and then the three scamper inside to change into their bikinis.
Party time! Samantha scowls when she sees that Miranda defied her bitchy rule and brought Brady to the party...though I'm not sure what she expected Miranda to do with the tot for an entire afternoon. She haughtily snaps, "This is supposed to be an A-list party!" and Carrie's like, "Then whassup with the double Ds by the pool?" and points at the three tarts who are prancing around in skimpy bikinis and being salivated over. Samantha tells them they're freeloaders Richard lets use his pool on weekends, then complains that they refuse to leave. A few seconds later, the tarts strip off their bikini tops so that viewers can get a very long, gratuitous clip of their silicone hooters.
Charlotte glares at the topless tarts and snarks, "That's so inappropriate!" and Harry jokes, "Greetings from Silicone Valley" then adds, "Everyone can see those tits are fake." Charlotte chides his crude language, then orders him to take off his ugly tropical/tiki shirt. He agrees, but then she gets icked out even more when she sees that his back has ugly red welts from his recent waxing.
Bitsy tells Carrie that sex with Nathan Lane is fantastic...then for good measure gives him an intense smooch. Stanford stares at the kissing couple with his face scrunched confusedly...and then scrunches it even more confusedly when Nathan Lane looks awed by Marcus's hot dancer's body and mimes grating cheese with his abs. After Nathan Lane saunters off, Carrie and Stanford chuckle about how absolutely, positively, undeniably gay the man is...and how ridiculous it is that he's marrying Bitsy. Marcus shrugs disinterestedly, as if to remind them it's really none of their business, and suggests, "Maybe he just makes her laugh."
Charlotte snipes at Harry for not putting his shirt back on and for walking around with sauce all over his face. He reacts by giving her a messy smooch, which surprisingly makes her giggle with delight.
Samantha asks Carrie if she thinks Richard doinked one or more of the topless tarts, and Carrie keeps a straight face and says she's sure they're just good friends. She then spots Jack Berger milling around, so she gives her fugly 'do a quick primping and sashays over to greet him.
Carrie and Jack find a quiet area on the front lawn and chat about their most recent breakups. Carrie prattles on for an uncomfortable amount of time about her Season 4 breakup with Aidan...and a few minutes in, Jack begins staring over at his motorcycle longingly. When Carrie concludes her bizarre rant by screeching about how many failed relationships a person is expected to survive, Jack's like, "OK then. I'll be going now" and flees to his motorcycle. Eventually he manages to get the thing running and hightails it out of there while Carrie stares after him looking a mixture of bewildered and mortified. Haha!
Samantha snaps at the tarts for eating so much of her food, then mocks their fake hooters which Richard, no doubt, paid for. When one of them accuses her of being jealous, Samantha picks up two melons, holds them in front of her chest, and snappishly says she's just dyyyyyyyying to have hooters this big and fake. One of the girls snidely retorts that if her hooters were the size of melons she'd probably still be with Richard...and for some reason this irks Samantha enough to throw a melon at her head - but when she ducks, the melon shatters the window she was standing in front of.
The following morning, Carrie and Miranda enjoy a yummy breakfast and commiserate over their self-inflicted man problems. Carrie kicks herself for revealing too much of her neuroses to Jack too soon, but says in her defence the zsa zsa zsu made her squirrelly. When Stanford ambles by for some coffee, Carrie tells him how envious she is of his perfect relationship with Marcus...and he grimly tells her she shouldn't be 'cause he and Marcus haven't had sex in a very long time. Carrie squeals with delight and shrieks, "Thank God! I am so relieved!"
Wedding! Nathan Lane and Bitsy exchange vows while the gigolas (along with Harry) make bitchy wise-cracks. Carrie voice-overs that she can't help but wonder if they're being much too cynical...and to that I would say probably - but that you're for sure being much too badly behaved at this very elegant Hamptons wedding.
At the reception, Harry sees Charlotte from across the dance floor and motions for her to join him on the dance floor. He then comes over and tells her there's nothing on his face, and that his red, waxed back is covered by his well tailored suit...then holds out his hand. She chuckles and agrees and joins him on the dance floor. Carrie, meanwhile, remarks to Miranda what a beautiful night it is, then ambles off to get herself another piece of cake...and Miranda spots some lilac on the table and cooingly asks Brady if they should call daddy to tell him they miss him. She pulls out her cell phone and dials Steve's number, but when his voicemail kicks in, she loses her nerve and hangs up.
Nathan Lane gabbles to Carrie about the journey of life and love...blah blah...then looks over at Bitsy and softly says, "There's my girl." He reminds Carrie about how he just followed through with the ceremony "in case you had any money riding on it" ... and Carrie pretends as though she hasn't spent the entire episode laughing at him behind his back with her girlfriends about his "non gay" wedding and solemnly replies, "Not a penny."
Samantha admits to Miranda that she might have gone a little nuts when she threw the melon through the window, and that it's probably due to zsa zsa zsu going bad, which Miranda jokes is known as zsa zsa eww.
Jack makes an unexpected appearance at the reception and explains to Carrie that technically he's not crashing the party 'cause for some reason the groom invited him when they ran into each other in town earlier. Ugh. Blech. Fine. Let's get this fleeting Berger romance over with so we can get on with Season 6's main event: the Baryshnikov Affair.
Over on the dance floor, Charlotte tells Harry she's falling in love with him, and he says he's been in love with her since the moment they met, but that - surprise! - this fling can't possibly go anywhere 'cause he's a Jewish man who's committed himself to marrying a Jewish woman. &^%$#@!!! Charlotte's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" but Harry brushes it off for now and urges her to focus on their dance until they can further explore the issue in Season 6.
Jack tells Carrie she's very quiet tonight, and she wryly says she's determined to stay that way. He chuckles and admits that, yep, when she was rambling like a crazy person earlier, he wasn't sure he was up to all that again - but has since changed his mind and suggests they at least go on a date before he dumps her via a post-it [spoiler]. Elsewhere on the dance floor, Samantha is boogying with Miranda and Brady as Carrie voice-overs that while some people settle for passionless marriages, others refuse to settle for anything other than excited butterflies in their gut. Despite having zero on-screen chemistry.
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Recap: Carrie announces to the gigolas at dinner that her publisher is making her travel to San Francisco to promote her book, then wryly adds, "Apparently, I'm big in San Francisco." Miranda counters with, "You mean Big is in San Francisco" and Carrie confirms he is, and that she hopes to meet up with him 'cause she's in desperate neeeeeeed of a casual romp. When Charlotte points out that a group of well-dressed men at a nearby table have been ogling them all evening, Samantha makes a blech face and calls them boring, calls the food they're currently eating boring, and snarks that they should start calling New York "Same York". Carrie changes the subject back to herself and says she's taking a train to San Francisco, 'cause in this post-9/11 world she hates the thought of the National Guard rifling through her makeup case. She urges Samantha to come with her, and that "two gals on a train" could be a fun adventure...then sweetens the deal by telling her that Clearwater Press has reserved for her a luxury suite in a fancy four star hotel. Samantha mulls that over and decides she's into the idea...and Carrie woots with joy and happily chants, "I'm gonna get laid!"
Back in her apartment, Carrie taps out her latest drivel and asks her readership to ponder whether or not women who don't seek a traditional life of marriage and kids are "the new bachelors". I dunno. Sure. If it floats your boat, go ahead and call yourselves that.
Carrie and Samantha arrive at the train station wheeling their luggage. Carrie says she hasn't told Mr. Big she's headed to his neck of the woods and is planning to surprise him. Samantha gushes about how sexy this cross-country train ride is going to be 'cause she never knows who's going to be getting on...and getting her off. When they hear the all aboard whistle, they grin at each other and shriek excitedly. The excitement starts to wane a few minutes later when a train employee leads them to a teeny tiny compartment. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says she booked the deluxe first class sleeper, and he stares at her blankly and says this is the first class sleeper...then adds insult to injury when he opens the door to her tiny restroom, which features a shower head over the toilet. Awesome.
Harry drops by Charlotte's apartment to hand deliver her divorce papers...and because it's a super hot day, he complains that he's "schvitzing like a pudding at a picnic". Charlotte gives him a funny look and says how odd it is that a partner would be delivering her divorce papers, so he shoots her a goofy smile and says he needed the walk. He glances around the luxurious MacDougal pad and says he totally gets why she refused to stop squatting in it until she could make it legally hers, but she's like, "Meh" and says she's thinking about selling. Um...say what?!! And Harry's all, "Say what?!! After everything we went through to get it?!" so she says it's much too big for one person. Harry says he has a friend who's putting his place on the market, but warns her it's a tacky bachelor pad in desperate need of redecorating. Charlotte says that doesn't faze her, and quips about how her current apartment used to be "where plaid furniture came to die". Harry says he'll arrange for her to get a first look at it, then pulls out her divorce papers so she can jump back into the dating pool asap. As she looks them over, the sweat from Harry's brow drips onto the papers...and Charlotte looks icked out and hands him a box of tissues. After he mops himself off, a clump of tissue remains stuck on his forehead...and when Charlotte makes another ick face and points at it, Harry kind of chortles and calls himself "a fucking mess", then grins at her all smitten-like. Mmm hmm..
Carrie and Samantha enter the dining car on the Express to Hell and look disappointed that it's just a car with a bunch of tables and bench seating. Carrie asks the waiter for a table for two, and he gives her a funny look and tells them to just sit anywhere that's open...and naturally, the only available seating is beside a prim looking Amish couple. Samantha complains that every time the train stops, uglier people get on, and that there's not a single man aboard this train she'd fuck...which I find impossible to believe. Carrie can't concur 'cause she's too horny to be discriminating about who she'd be willing to jump in the sack with at this very moment...then looks over at the aghast Amish woman and apologizes for her raunch talk.
Harry brings Charlotte to a private viewing of his friend's bachelor pad, and she's all, "Eww!" when she sees the tacky decor. She says she can't believe that men think it takes stuff like this to get a woman into bed, and Harry eyes her hungrily and asks, "What does it take?" and tells her she's the sexiest woman he's ever met. Charlotte blushes and shyly points out that she's not sexy 'cause she's wearing her glasses, but Harry calls Trey a putz for letting her slip away...and that if he were ever lucky enough to get the green light to bone her, he'd never take his hands off of her. Charlotte giggles nervously, then looks intrigued when Harry tells her he hasn't been able to think of much else since the moment he saw her. The two stare intensely at each other for a few seconds, then start going at it in earnest.
On Day 2 of the train ride, Carrie and Samantha are looking worse for wear. Carrie's on the horn with Miranda to complain about a giant pimple that's taken over her cheek - just as a badly disheveled Samantha bursts into the cabin to announce that she just heard about a bachelor party in the bar car. Carrie says she can't possibly show her pimpled face in public, but Samantha guilts her for making her embark on this horrific train ride and decrees, "You are going to the bar car with me!" Carrie meekly tells Miranda she has to go attend a bachelor party now.
Charlotte's out at a gay bar with Anthony, dishing about the sex she's having with a man she doesn't even like. Anthony perks up at that and demands all the deets, so she tells him that the guy is her divorce lawyer, isn't attractive, but that the sex is amaaaaazing. Anthony assures her that "ugly sex is hot", then advises her to be clear with him about the rules of engagement: "fuck me and get out".
Carrie and Samantha enter the bar car, which is filled with average looking middle-aged men lounging around, drinking beer. Samantha sashays past them in her skin tight, cleavage-baring dress and coos, "Aren't you boys a sight for sore eyes?", suggests they order a bottle of champagne, then asks which of them would like to help pop her cork. The men just stare at her in icked out bemusement...so Carrie approaches one of the men and asks him what kind of bachelor party this is and could one of them please engage in at least some mild flirtation with her slutty friend. The man explains that they're all married, and that their soon-to-be-wed friend Brian is the last of them to tie the knot so they're taking him to a Giants game in San Francisco. Carrie relays all this to Samantha, who moans about the midlife crisis she's abruptly manufactured for herself.
Back in the tiny deluxe sleeper, Samantha guzzles champagne and rails about the lack of meaning in her empty, shallow life. Carrie finally manages to pop her pimple, then apologizes to Samantha for dragging her aboard this hell train.
A day or so later, Carrie arrives at the San Francisco bookstore to kick off her book tour. As she marvels over the huge turnout, Lily (from Clearwater Press) informs her that some of the people (and by some she means the vast majority) are here to see Mr. Winkle, a small dog author who's developed a huge Internet following. Samantha scrunches her face in disbelief and exclaims, "You're opening for a dog?!" - bwahahaha!! - and when Carrie stares at Lily with a look of horror and mortification, Lily sheepishly explains that the West Coast sales rep fucked her over on this one. Carrie gives Samantha permission to skip her book reading and head back to the luxury hotel for a relaxing bath...then decides she's too depressed to bump uglies with Mr. Big after all.
While waiting to perform her book reading, Carrie sits next to Mr. Winkle and commiserates to him about how rough (ruff?) this book tour stuff is. She then looks over his outfit and remarks on how much she likes the little striped sweater he's wearing.
Carrie does a reading of one of the shitty columns included in her book, with all of its grating 'I couldn't help but wonder' musings. A dorky guy raises his hand to ask when Mr. Winkle is coming out - bwahahaha! - and after that a second person raises his hand. When the people sitting in front of him move out of the way so Carrie can see who she's talking to, she's pleasantly surprised to see that it's - squeal! - Mr. Big. He asks her if "this Mr. Big character" has a real name, and she coquettishly replies that he does, but that she's keeping it from her readership as a means of protecting his privacy. Also, the writers convinced themselves it was somehow fun and clever to keep his boring name (John) a mystery until the series finale.
Carrie rushes back to the hotel, orders Samantha to end her bubble-bath asap so she can relocate herself over to the room she booked for her on another floor. She explains that she did meet up with Big after all, that right now he's currently milling around the lobby, and she really neeeeeeeds to have sex. Samantha climbs out of the tub and snarls, "You better fuck him good."
Thirty minutes later, Big arrives at Carrie's suite and jokingly asks her if she hid the body...or did whatever needed doing before he was allowed to come upstairs. He then inserts some awkward looking product placement when he offers her a piece of Big Red gum, and she accepts it, unwraps it, and sexily feeds it to him...then a few seconds later hornily pounces on him, which causes him to start choking on the gum. When he recovers, she gets all amorous and offers to "kiss and make it all better" - but he tells her to put a pin in that 'cause he made dinner reservations and explains that he promised his vineyard partners he'd schmooze it up with the restaurant owner in an effort to drum up business.
As Carrie and Big get caught up at dinner, he tells her he read her book and feels bad that he caused her so much emotional turmoil during Seasons 1-3, and that it was tough to see it all in print via her columns all strung together in a single book. Carrie breezily calls it fiction, says she embellished most of it, and that it's all in the past anyway. He mulls that over and asks her if he really was that big of an asshole regarding the Season 2 'I don't want to give you a key to my apartment' situation, and Carrie just stares despondently into space.
Hours later, Big is sitting in Carrie's hotel room bed, poring through her book. When she begs him to least lay on top of her, he says he doesn't want her to get hurt again. She assures him she won't, and that she totally gets that nothing exists between them but good sex. He declines and says she clearly has very bad judgement where he's concerned...and she stares despondently into space again and mutters, "I can't believe this is happening."
After Charlotte and Harry finish bumping uglies a second time, Charlotte takes Anthony's advice and tells Harry there's nothing between them but sex, then orders him to put on his pants and go. She pauses to nervously ask, "Is that OK?" and he just shrugs and goes, "Sure" and climbs out of bed, revealing his very furry back. As he gets dressed, he invites her to dinner on Saturday night, but she scrunches her face in irritation and snaps, "This is just sex. You're just a great fuck. Is that clear?" and Harry seems totes OK with that.
Carrie gets a 7:30am wake-up call...and we see that she slept in her clothes all night, and that a fully clothed Big fell asleep beside her with her book spread out across his face. He wakes up and tosses the book aside and asks her if she'd like a morning romp, then points out that she's going to need some fresh Big material for her sequel. She's like, "Yes please!" and the two start going at it.
Carrie makes a final stop on her book tour, and this time it looks like she got a pretty good turnout even without the lure of Mr. Winkle. Samantha arrives at the bookstore and shows her the first class plane tickets she got them so they don't have to suffer a second train ride. She excitedly gushes, "I can't wait to get to New York!" and the two climb into a limo.
Recap: Carrie and Stanford are out at a club, watching Marcus perform as a chorus boy behind a singer belting out All That Jazz. Carrie moans to Stanford about how worried she is about her upcoming book review by the notoriously tough New York Times literacy critic Michiko Kakutani. It's hard to believe that someone of her calibre would be wasting her time reviewing Carrie's schlock. When All That Jazz mercifully concludes, everyone woots and cheers, and Carrie excuses herself to go to the ladies room.
A woman using the ladies room (Nina Katz) is lamenting to her friend in one of the stalls the lack of straight men at this club, suggests cruising the Village Market Square for cute pretzel guys, then wonders aloud, "Is that as sad as that just sounded?" Carrie interjects herself into the conversation by jokingly admitting a weakness for the Amish guys who make hairbrushes, and Nina stares over at her with a funny look of bewildered disdain and says, "You're Carrie Bradshaw", says she recognizes her from her column, then adds, "And I went out with Aidan right after you." As she mulls that over, she contorts her bottom lip to make a dramatic yeeeeech face, and exits the ladies room with her friend, leaving a startled Carrie staring after her.
Carrie tells the gigolas about the interaction she had with Nina Katz, and describes her yeeeeech expression as "a face and run". Charlotte suggests that maybe Nina just had a facial spasm at that exact moment, but Carrie rejects that theory and is pretty sure Nina was implying that she really screwed Aidan up good...then left the ladies room before she could retort. Miranda stares dully at her friends and complains that she hasn't slept for days 'cause Brady is crying non-stop. She also feels disgusting 'cause she has no time to shower, wash her barf-stained clothes, or get a haircut. That last thing reminds Samantha to confirm her hair appointment with John Mandy at the fancy John Mandy Salon...so she pulls out her cell phone, chats with the salon's receptionist, and happily chirps, "Crisis averted!" Charlotte tells the gals she's meeting with her divorce lawyer, Matthew Blume, on Monday and asks Miranda what she knows about him...and Miranda says he's smart and tough. After Charlotte and Miranda leave, Carrie mutters to Samantha about how Nina's yeeeeech face is really bugging her - but Samantha tells her to chillax and says, "If I worried what every bitch in New York [or snide Internet recapper] said about me, I'd never leave the house."
Charlotte meets with Matthew Blume and finds herself oddly dismayed by his hotness 'cause she doesn't think she can appear attractive and ladylike while railing about Bunny. Matthew informs her that Bunny has been busy hiding assets to make sure she doesn't get anything - even though it shouldn't be necessary considering Charlotte signed a prenup, but OK - and Charlotte politely replies, "I really just want what was promised." Matthew tells her that Bunny took great pains to make sure that her name was never on the deed of the apartment, and Charlotte blurts out, "Trey gave me that apartment!" [even though it was established in the previous episode that the apartment wasn't Trey's to legally give away] then quickly apologizes and assures him that she's usually a very refined person. Matthew's partner Harry suddenly enters the room [spoiler: future husband alert!!], gets introduced to Charlotte, and helps himself to a bagel from the snack table. He tells Charlotte she's in good hands with Matthew 'cause of what "a killer" he is...then bites into a bagel, spits it back onto his napkin and retches for a few seconds, then snaps, "Who the hell ordered blueberry bagels?" Charlotte stares at him as if she's intrigued by how repulsed by him she is and asks Matthew, "Is he a killer too?" I'm guessing he says yes, 'cause in the next scene, Charlotte is being represented by Harry so she can act as mean and crass about Bunny as she wants to without it being a turnoff to the hot lawyer...who she never sees again anyway, so the whole 'switching of the lawyers' was a completely pointless exercise.
Samantha decides to treat herself to a masturbation marathon with her vibrator - but when she presses the on button, it makes a sad little grinding noise and conks out. She bangs it on her nightstand a few times as if doing that could possibly help, then shrieks loudly in frustration.
At 2:30am, Miranda's neighbor storms over to complain about Brady's non-stop crying. She bitchily introduces herself as Kendall, says her baby's name is Alika, and snarks, "And if you ever bothered to say hello in the elevator, you'd know that." OK...but so too could you have said hello to Miranda in the elevator and learned hers and Brady's names.
Carrie's decked out in a baggy white dress that I strongly suspect is a nightgown (but who can tell with her weird wardrobe?) to buy a copy of The New York Times. She reads the review of her book over the phone to Miranda, which somehow is mostly positive...but gets upset when Michiko Kakutani implies that the men in the world of Carrie Bradshaw are disposable. She suddenly worries that Aidan thinks she threw him away, natters about that some more, then asks Miranda if Steve has ever said anything to her 'bout that. Miranda snappishly tells her to call up Samantha 'cause she has all kinds of time to listen to her babble about herself, then rails about how Samantha has never once acknowledged that she had a baby. She then quickly back pedals and self-piteously chides herself for alienating her neighbors and her friends, but Carrie coos that she's not alienating anyone and that she's just having a bad week.
Carrie ponders why people tend to fixate disproportionately on the negative things people say about them, then taps out on her laptop: why do we believe our worst reviews?
After work, Miranda faces all the disapproving moms who live in her building as she struggles to get Brady's stroller down the front steps and out of the main doors. It's interesting that none of the sanctimonious turds, Kendall included, offered to hold the door open for her and instead chose to stare at her like she's something stuck to their shoe.
At a lunch place, Carrie offers to buy Samantha a brownie if she pretends to show an interest in Miranda's new life as a mother. Samantha makes a blech face and says her mewling baby sounds like an asshole...and when Carrie bewilderedly tells her she can't call a baby an asshole and says that Miranda is struggling, she agrees to pretend to be supportive and promises to stop by her apartment tomorrow. As they pay for their food, Carrie runs into her friend Julia who works at Vogue, and then Julia waves at the friend she's meeting, who happens to be Nina Katz. Carrie and Nina share awkward hellos...and once they're out of earshot, Samantha remarks that Nina Katz is the booker for SNL and asks Carrie how she knows her. Carrie says she's the "face girl" and Samantha is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!"
Samantha flounces to Sharper Image to return her broken vibrator that's still under warranty. The humorless store manager tells her the store doesn't sell vibrators, and that the thing she's holding is a neck massager. Samantha laughs incredulously at the idea of a woman using the thing for neck massaging, but goes along with that and says, "OK, then I'm returning this neck massager", and says the battery just suddenly died on her. The manager tells her to pick out something else and bring it to the counter...so she begins wandering around the store, noticing that several women are shopping for massagers they clearly want to repurpose as vibrators. Samantha glances at the devices they're holding and offers her in-depth expertise on each of them: "too many bells and whistles...that one actually works against you...that one will burn your clit off".
Miranda is desperately trying to get Brady to stop crying when Kendall comes over - not to bitch at her a second time, but to deliver an oscillating chair that helps soothe crying babies. Miranda invites her in, straps Brady into the chair, and is thrilled when the vibrating motion stops his mewling. As the two share a moment of female bonding, Kendall assures her she's not a bad mother, then quips, "You just didn't have the chair."
The next day, Samantha drops by Miranda's apartment and offers to babysit while she takes her place at the fancy John Mandy Salon. Miranda eagerly takes her up on the offer and rushes out...and Samantha struts over to where Brady is oscillating, looks him over, and says, "Well. You don't look so bad." Suddenly, the oscillating chair stops vibrating, and Brady starts up with his mewling again. Samantha stares back at him in horror.
Carrie is at home, watching the end credits for SNL, and sees Nina Katz credited as the talent executive. She calls Samantha on her cell phone to ask her if she thinks Nina might actually be telling celebrities she's a bad breakup girlfriend...OMFG...and Samantha scrunches her face in annoyance and tells her she's too busy taking care of Miranda's asshole baby to talk, and that maybe Charlotte has time to listen to her self-absorbed horseshit. Haha!
Miranda returns home with a shorter 'do, though it doesn't look like much of an improvement over her earlier disheveled look. Samantha informs her that the oscillating chair broke, so she improvised by putting her new "neck massager" in the chair next to Brady. Miranda stares at her contented son and wryly tells Samantha, "That better be brand new."
Charlotte and her divorce lawyer, Harry, are in conference with Bunny and her old man lawyer. The current offer on the table is for Charlotte to get Trey's coin collection, and an irked Harry snaps, "Can we get off the coin collection?" and says there's no way Charlotte is settling for anything less than the luxury apartment that she, in no way, deserves. Bunny angrily chastises Charlotte for bringing so much heartache and shame to her son...and a beaten down looking Charlotte is about to give up the fight when one of Harry's flunkies delivers a telegram that Trey just sent from Scotland. Harry reads it aloud: "Charlotte York was a wonderful wife. Stop. She did nothing wrong. Stop. Give her everything she wants. Stop. Seriously, mother. Stop." He hands it to Bunny so she can read it for herself...and after exchanging a few words with her lawyer, he grunts, "Just the apartment" and tells Harry they'll sort out the paperwork to turn the deed over to his client. As a grim looking Bunny makes her way out of the room, Charlotte tries to apologize for things not working out better, but Bunny ignores her and stalks out. Harry leans in and jokingly says, "Ding dong, the witch is dead."
Carrie meets up with Steve to ask whassup with Aidan, and he's all, "Ack! You're not going to try to get back together him with, are you?" She's like, "Ouch" and assures him she's not, then asks him if Aidan hates her (as he'd have every right to). Steve says he doesn't, but that he was so devastated after their breakup he couldn't get out of bed for a month. Yikes, Aidan. Carrie is definitely not worth that long a period of inertia. Steve adds that Nina Katz had confided in him that Aidan lost his ability to open up and trust women...and Carrie scrunches her horsey face into a mournful expression.
Carrie drags Stanford to the Village Market Square on the off-chance that Nina is seeking out cute pretzel guys so she can needlessly explain her side of the breakup with Aidan. After endlessly nattering to Stanford about the demise of hers/Aidan's relationship, he asks her what she thinks of Marcus, and she goes, "Nice" then obliviously resumes talking about herself. Stanford gets fed up, says he's done being her sounding board, and that it'd be nice if she showed an interest in his life once in a while...'cause for some reason her opinion means a lot to him. Carrie throws him a bone and gives him her assessment of Marcus...but that gets interrupted when they run into Nina Katz, who's out strolling with Heather Graham. Stanford's like, "OMG! You're Heather Graham!" and offers to buy her a pretzel so that Carrie can have a completely unnecessary heart-to-heart with Nina. Carrie tells Nina she gets the sense she has "a sort of feeling" about what happened with Aidan - but explains that what happened between them was private, and that she would never deliberately hurt him. Nina just shrugs as if she had nothing to do with stirring up this whole hornet's nest with her stupid yeeeeech face, and goes, "OK" ... and it suddenly dawns on Carrie that the critic she was most afraid of was herself.
Carries says, "Bye" and struts off toward Stanford, who realized about three seconds into his conversation with Heather Graham that he had absolutely no idea what to converse with her about.
Recap: Carrie is wandering around a fancy venue (with a lovely spiral staircase) while Samantha and Anthony plan her upcoming book release party. Anthony decides it would be ultra chic for everything to be all white...but when Samantha declares she wants hot pink to be the party's primary color, he screeches, "Pink!" at whoever he's barking orders at off-camera, then bustles off to figure out how best to pinkify the room's decor.
On Miranda's first day back at work (post maternity leave), she gets an unexpected phone call from Walker Lewis. Mmm...yummy. He asks her whassup, and she glances over at the tiny framed photo she has of Brady on her desk and murmurs, "Nothing new." He asks her if she'd like to get together for some sack time, and she perks up and is all, "Yes please!"
Charlotte and her new blonde beau arrive at her apartment door after a lunch date. As they lock lips in the hall, Charlotte's nosy neighbour, Mrs. Collier, exits her apartment and grunts with disapproval at the PDA.
Carrie's in Courtney's office, gabbling about the upcoming book release party when a slightly disheveled man enters the room unnannounced - hey, it's Ron Livingston from Office Space! - and quickly apologizes for interrupting their meeting. Courtney introduces him to Carrie as Jack Berger, the author of a comic novel that "speaks to men" the way the writers like to pretend that Carrie's shittastic column speaks to women. Carrie blushingly smiles at Jack as he self-deprecatingly natters about his book's slumping sales...and then Courtney suggests that the two of them get acquainted so he can give her the low-down on the release party, book tours, signings, etc.
In the next scene, Carrie and Jack are sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons and flirtily bantering. He asks her if she'd like to go with him to pick up his dry cleaning, and since she's clearly smitten she's like, "Sounds fun!" then voice-overs about what a great first date this was without it actually being a first date. Jack spots a playing card on the ground and picks it up, then tells Carrie they're littered all over the city and that he's trying to collect enough to one day make up a full deck. Buoyed by their undeniable chemistry, Carrie asks Jack if he'd like to be her plus one for her upcoming book release party, but he tells her he's going to have to decline 'cause his girlfriend's parents are coming to town and will be staying at their apartment. Carrie's all, "Wha-a? Girlfriend..?" and stares back at him with a mixture of confusion and mortification. Bwahahaha!!
During lunch the next day, Carrie recounts for the gigolas the flirty interaction with Jack Berger that felt to her like a first date...but when she invited him to be her plus one for the party, it was like "a bomb that just kept exploding": I have a girlfriend. We live together. This whole flirtation's in your head. Bwahahaha!! Charlotte dismisses Jack as a jerk, but Carrie isn't ready to declare him as such, and insists that she sparked with him...and wonders how happy he is with his girlfriend. Samantha tells her to cheer up and reminds her that she has a fantastic career as a raunch columnist and is about to attend a huge party in her honor. Carrie concedes that Jack probably should have mentioned having a girlfriend much earlier in the conversation...and then Miranda abruptly changes the subject and tells the gals that when Walker Lewis called her up today, she neglected to tell him she has a baby. She says she'll tell him about Brady eventually...and by eventually, she means right before they hit the sheets.
Carrie ambles home, looking as if she can't help but wonder why the one thing people lack in their lives affects how they feel about the things they do have. Or some such shit. Sometimes my brain involuntarily tunes her out when she's voice-overing her weekly column dreck.
Samantha goes to the botox clinic to eradicate the wrinkles - I mean stress lines on her face. The doctor suggests she also indulge herself with a refreshing chemical peel, which he claims could make her look ten to twenty years younger. Samantha likes the sound of that implausible claim and eagerly agrees...and fifteen minutes later, her face is a ghastly red mess when the doctor accidentally peels off too much of the top layer of her skin. Ouch.
Carrie is dining alone in a fancy restaurant when Candice Bergen happens to enter and gets seated a few feet away. Carrie invites her to join her, and the two share some awkward chit-chat and quickly run out of things to talk about. Carrie begs Candice to open up a bit so they're not just staring mutely at each other across the table, so she throws Carrie a bone and tells her she has a boyfriend. When Carrie gushes about how fabulous it is that she has both a man and a successful career, Candice reveals that her boyfriend has a second girlfriend he keeps on the West Side. She pretends to be OK with it 'cause of her busy career, and advises Carrie to stop expecting things to look like what she thought they would look like.
Charlotte and her blonde beau get it on in her bedroom...and the next morning they wake up together and enjoy some afterglow. When the doorbell rings, Charlotte assumes it's the breakfast she ordered, so she puts on her robe to answer the door...and is horrified when Bunny MacDougal uses her key to unlock the door and enter the apartment. She snootily tells Charlotte she's been hearing troubling things about her from her friends on the co-op board, such as smooching in the hall and bringing home a gentleman caller who reportedly hasn't yet left the apartment. Charlotte haughtily tells her that what she does in her apartment is her business, so Bunny retorts, "That's the thing, dear. It's not your apartment." Charlotte cries, "Trey gave me this apartment!" [but didn't think to communicate his generous gift-giving to Bunny and/or look into signing over the deed], and Bunny points out that the apartment wasn't Trey's to give and that it belongs to the MacDougal family. Charlotte's blonde beau enters the room at that moment, overhears Bunny remind Charlotte that she's still married, and is all, "Wha-a-a? You're married?" Charlotte tells him she's separated, looks crestfallen when he shoots her a disgusted stink-eye, and forcibly hustles Bunny out of the apartment.
Carrie's at home, autographing a stack of her books, when Charlotte calls to tell her that her blonde beau is no more...which means that Anthony will be her plus one at the book release party. She then has to cut the call short when the locksmith arrives and grumbles, "Bunny's back." Stanford calls to inform Carrie that he's bringing his hot new boyfriend to her party...and when Carrie mentions that Charlotte is bringing her favorite gay (Anthony) as her plus one, Stanford perks up and relishes the thought of throwing his gorgeous boyfriend in Anthony's face. After that, Samantha calls to tell her she had something horrific done to her face and probably shouldn't attend the party, but a panicked Carrie wails, "You have to come! You're my publicist!" so Samantha gives in...then stares at her ghastly red face in the bathroom mirror and makes whimpering noises.
Party time! Carrie is photographed in front of a huge stack of her books, then gets congratulated by someone from The New Yorker. Samantha arrives wearing a giant black hat and face veil...and when Carrie asks her whaddup with the strange headwear, she pulls up the veil and explains that her recent chemical peel went awry. Carrie's all, "Ack!" and asks her to please cover up again 'cause she's scaring the guests. Stanford and Marcus arrive, say hello to Carrie, then gasp at Samantha's chemically peeled face. Stanford looks around for Charlotte and her "tiny little friend" ... and when he spots the two mingling on the second floor, he drags Marcus up the spiral staircase so he can pretend to barely remember meeting Anthony during the Real Me episode last season. Anthony looks visibly jealous of Marcus's hotness, mumbles good luck wishes for their relationship, and dashes after a waiter who's serving shrimp. Stanford screeches after him, "We're getting a house in the Hamptons! And he has a large penis!" which earns a dismayed look from Marcus.
Elsewhere at the party, Miranda and Walker are pressed up against a wall, smooching intensely. When he suggests they take their public dry humping to the privacy of her apartment, she enthusiastically agrees, then tells him - surprise! - she now has a baby. He stares at her in horror and asks if it's his, and she assures him it's not, and that they'll sort it all out on the off chance their casual doinking develops into any kind of relationship.
In the next scene, Walker is boning Miranda on her couch...and, predictably, little Brady starts mewling from his crib. Miranda commands Walker to keep thrusting, but he tells her he's not a baby guy and doesn't think his pecker can retain its hardness while a baby continues crying from the other room.
Miranda storms into the nursery and glares at Brady, who suddenly stops crying. She picks him up, looks as if she suddenly realizes how utterly cute-as-a-button he is and that she probably should have developed maternal feelings for him long before now.
Back at the party, Carrie is chatting it up with Candice Bergen and Isaac Mizrahi...'cause apparently Isaac Mizrahi had nothing better to do with his evening than attend a book release party for a compilation of raunch columns. A few seconds later, Carrie spots Jack Berger arrive...and he makes a beeline over to her to congratulate her on the book, tell her how how impressed he is by the party's turnout, and wank her about how super awesome she looks. [The relentless wanking over Carrie - her clothes, her writing talents, her beauty - is nauseatingly reminiscent of when the Beverly Hills, 90210 writers were forced by Aaron Spelling to constantly portray Tori's character as the sweetest, most beautiful cherub who has ever or would ever walk the earth.] Carrie flirtily thanks Jack for coming, then walks over to the bar to join Charlotte, who remarks on how cute Jack is. A few seconds later, Samantha ambles over, still wearing her ginormous veil hat, and says she'd like to take her scarily peeled face home now. After Carrie thanks her for coming and sends her on her way, she natters to Charlotte about how she wishes she hadn't sparked with Jack, 'cause the loneliness in her sad, empty life has reached the palpable stage. Candice Bergen suddenly appears, looking panicked 'cause she just spotted her boyfriend and his West Side lady. She hides behind Carrie, then ducks her way to the exit so he doesn't see her.
After the party, Carrie climbs into a limo, the driver of which is an overly chatty, friendly young woman. When she asks what the party was for, Carrie proudly tells her it was her book release party...and then the driver gets nauseatingly gushy and says they need to celebrate, like pronto, and drives over to a nearby hot dog place. When the driver tells the vendor that Carrie just had her book release party, he's so impressed that he gives them the hot dogs for free...'cause, yeah, as if. As Carrie climbs back into the limo, she spots a Jack of Hearts playing card on the ground, then glances around with a wistful expression on her horsey face before the limo pulls away.
Recap: Carrie is in a meeting with Courtney and Lilly (of Clearwater Press) to hear their pitch for the cover photo they've come up with for her upcoming book. They warn her that they've Photoshopped her head atop an anorexic naked body...then - ta da! - reveal the ghastly thing. Carrie stares at it for a few seconds, cries, "No!", then apologizes for her involuntary negativity. Courtney says she likes that her reaction was a strong one, but Lilly points out that they'd prefer her reaction not be no! Courtney talks Carrie through their rationale for the hideous cover: Carrie is rushing around the fact-paced city of New York with nothing but her ideas. Sounds like an odd stretch for this concept, but OK. Carrie points out that no matter how busy she gets, she always manages to put clothes on (skimpy and/or skanky though they may be) before leaving the apartment. Courtney insists that the cover is an appropriate representation of a book that's all about sex, but Carrie argues that the book is really more about relationships...and by relationships, she means whatever genitalia-centric raunch she and girlfriends are talking up that week. Lilly glares at Courtney and says, "We're fucked", so Carrie asks to see the cover again to see if maybe she was too hasty in rejecting it outright...but then firmly vetoes the fugly thing a second time.
The gigolas take a break from lunching to go on a bookstore field trip. Carrie glances at a bunch of covers and declares all of them terrible, then starts twitching about the state of her nasty book cover. Samantha wanks her about how fabulous she is and asks her how she'd like to see herself on the cover, so Carrie says she'd like to try to pass herself off as a writer who's smart, sexy...and whose photo is properly airbrushed. Samantha says she can definitely help her out with that by setting up a photo shoot with her favorite stylist, and will waive her exorbitant PR fee in exchange for lunch and two martinis.
Miranda's browsing in the diet section 'cause she's looking to lose her baby weight, while Charlotte seeks out a book she's heard good things about for divorcees: Starting Over Yet Again. As she ventures over to the self-help section, scary music starts tinkling in the background and she spots several weeping women browsing the various books about being newly single. When Charlotte picks up a copy of Starting Over Yet Again, one of the weeping women remarks, "That really helped me." Charlotte looks back at her with disdain, decides she can't bring herself to accept that she belongs in the same self-help area with these teary losers, and puts the book back on the shelf...then scrunches her face as if confused and goes, "Travel? Travel?" and high-tails it out of there.
At the checkout counter, the salesgirl tells Miranda that the diet book she's about to buy is psychotic and that it caused her to regain all the weight she initially lost. She says the only sane way to lose weight is to join Weight Watchers 'cause their PR people must have negotiated some prime product placement on Sex and the City that week.
Charlotte goes home, logs onto her Amazon account and buys Starting Over Yet Again, overnight express and shame free.
Samantha gets a delivery from her semi-regular Worldwide Express guy, hunky actor Nick Scotti who once played Tony Viscardi on The Young and the Restless. Yum. Samantha purrs, "That's quite a package" and gazes at him seductively as she signs for it...and after Nick gets an eyeful of her ample cleavage, she says she just got her nails done and asks him if he'd mind opening her package. He obliges her and rips it open, and she looks all turned on, glances at his crotch, and offers to help him with his package. He perks up at that and blurts out, "Fucking aye!" so Samantha drops to her knees to blow him...'cause, yeah, why not start cock-gobbling a delivery guy you barely know in your unlocked PR office in the middle of a workday? While that's happening, Carrie arrives for her appointment with Samantha and, predictably, walks in on her in mid-blow. She widens her eyes as if Samantha on her knees in front of a hunky delivery guy is the last thing she'd ever expect to see on Sex and the City, is all, "Ack!" ... then flees the office, banging her elbow on the door in the process. Nick Scotti looks slightly irked at the interruption and asks Samantha if she's planning on finishing him off, but she tells him she's had enough for now.
Miranda attends her first Weight Watchers meeting and meets a chubby, insecure guy named Tom...and we can safely assume that these two will hit the sheets a few scenes from now.
Carrie is hanging in her apartment with Stanford, browsing through various fashion magazines to get ideas for the type of outfits she'd like to try on during the upcoming photo shoot. Stanford smiles goofily and then stares at her expectantly, so she asks him whassup with his happy mood. He tells her he met a new fella, begs her to suspend her usual judgeyness, then reveals that his new love is a Broadway calibre dancer who performs at Radio City Music Hall. As Carrie processes the news, Samantha phones her up to cackle, "How funny was that thing in my office today!" ... and when Carrie complains about injuring her elbow while rushing the hell out of her office, Samantha tells her to lighten up, then quickly changes the subject and says she got her stylist to pull an assortment of "sexy chic" outfits for the photo shoot. She proposes they get together on Saturday to look them over, and Carrie says she'd like to bring Stanford along, 'cause he's gay and bitchy...aka, her target test audience.
Charlotte gets an email from Amazon as a result of her recent purchase, recommending various other books for sad, lonely women. She looks over the recommended titles - Lonely Women No Men, Love Hurts You Don't Have To, Reservations For One - and gets so irrationally upset that she grabs Starting Over Yet Again and throws it out of her window. It lands at the feet of a woman who has been contemplating divorce, and she considered it a sign from God. And good fortune, since the book fell at her feet instead of clocking her in the head.
Miranda and Tom are hanging in a diner, discussing all the various diets he's failed at, and how he split with his fiancee 'cause she was always so critical of his fatness and overeating. The two salivate over the glazed donuts on display on the counter, and Miranda suggests they split one...then natters on and on about the awesomeness of glazed donuts as if she's suddenly an obsessive junk food addict. As Tom munches his half of the donut, he slyly says, "I know how we can burn this off" ... and in the next scene, the two are in his bed getting it on. Miranda squeals orgasmically as he goes down on her...but when he comes up for air, she's visibly grossed out by his sloppy wet mouth.
Miranda tells the gals about Tom's sloppy wet mouth during the next brunch summit...and Carrie shrieks, "No!" while Charlotte declares it bad manners and primly says that a man should always keep Altoids and a box of tissues on his nightstand for just such occasions. Miranda says she couldn't bring herself to criticize Tom 'cause of how over-sensitive he is...plus, he looked so proud of himself for pleasuring her. She then realizes it's a double standard and says she'd be deeply insulted if a guy ever refused to kiss her after blowing him and asks Samantha if she kisses guys after blowing them...and Carrie interjects and says, "Nope, she just signs the delivery slip and sends him on his way." Bwahaha! Samantha glares at her and asks her if she has a problem with her blowing the Worldwide Express guy...and Charlotte makes a face and goes, "Ewwww.." Carrie points out that Charlotte, and not she, was the one who eww-ed her indiscriminate blowing just now - and that, nope, she has absolutely no problem with her blowing a delivery guy she barely knows. Miranda asks where this blowing occurred, and Samantha haughtily says it happened in her office, and that Nick Scotti isn't just any Worldwide Express guy, he's her Worldwide Express guy on Tuesdays and Thursdays. As the other three laugh heartily at her shameless slutitude, she gets insulted and brusquely tells Carrie they should get going if they're going to meet her stylist on time.
Samantha hands Carrie a furry pink negligee and excitedly urges her to try it on, and Carrie's like, "Um, seriously?", but then takes it with her into the fitting room. Stanford and his dancer hottie Marcus arrive just as Carrie emerges from the fitting room in the ridiculous pink get-up. Stanford proudly introduces Marcus to Carrie and Samantha, and Carrie apologizes for the outfit she's currently wearing and says she doesn't normally dress like a high class hooker [insert joke here about her regularly dressing like a cheap looking streetwalker]. Samantha hotly denies it's hooker wear, and Carrie snaps, "It screams 'hooker'!" to which Samantha poutishly says she has one in red, then bitchily asks, "Am I a hooker?" Um...in spirit, most definitely - but technically, no. She asks Stanford and Marcus what they think, and the consensus is that the fugly outfit is outdated looking and inappropriate for a book cover. Carrie asks the guys to wait outside, then tells Samantha that the two of them have very different ideas of what sexy is...and that she doesn't feel comfortable in an outfit that looks like something an extra in Moulin Rouge would wear. She reminds Samantha that now that they're well into Season 5, they're all a bit long in the tooth to be wearing the kind of skankwear they could get away with prancing around in in Seasons 1-3. Samantha accuses Carrie of being judgemental for catching her blowing Nick Scotti in her office the other day and that she'd never judge her if the situation were reversed...but then Carrie says that a reverse of the situation would never happen 'cause she wouldn't think to start blowing a delivery guy in her unlocked office for anyone to walk in on. Samantha angrily declares that she will blow whomever she wants as long as she can "breathe and kneel" ... and a few seconds later, she gets a taste of her own medicine when she accidentally walks in on a smug looking Stanford getting blown by Marcus. Does no one on this show think to lock the door before the blowing starts??
Tom is going down on Miranda again, and afterwards tries to smooch her with his sloppy wet mouth...but she rebuffs him and tells him how icky she finds his post-cunnilingus kisses. Tom pouts, accuses her of implying that he's a "big fat sloppy eater" and says he's so distraught he feels like going out and scarfing down an entire potpie. Dude definitely has issues. He pissily says they shouldn't see each other anymore and storms out of the room, ignoring Miranda's cooing to come back to bed.
To avoid Tom at future Weight Watchers meetings, Miranda starts attending the venue that happens to be located right beside a Krispy Kreme bakery. Which works out OK, 'cause after this episode we never see Miranda attend Weight Watchers again.
Carrie shows up at Samantha's office, makes double sure with the receptionist that her boss isn't in there blowing anyone, then goes inside. Samantha gives her a contrite smile and says she's been too busy the last two days to call her...then says she'd prefer to not acknowledge their quarrel and just pretend as if the whole thing never happened. Carrie admits she was judging her just a little and now feels bad about it...then wanks her about how much she admires the shameless, undignified way she insists on putting her sex life "out there". The two then get down to business and look over the various photos Carrie brought along to demonstrate the kind of look she'd like for her book cover...and while they're doing that, Samantha tells her that she walked in on Stanford getting blown by Marcus. Carrie is both surprised and impressed that Stanford, and not his hot dancer beau, was the blowee.
Photo shoot! Carrie is decked out in an ultra short black shirt-dress type thing and strappy heels. As she grins stupidly and poses for the camera as if she's just been discovered as the world's newest supermodel, Samantha nauseatingly gushes, "Isn't she faaaaaaaabulous?"
Recap: Carrie is sitting in a bar, waiting for her blind date (Ted) to arrive. A couple of guys enter the bar, check Carrie out when she blushingly smiles and then stares at them expectantly, but none of them admits to being Ted. Assuming that Ted even bothered to show up.
At brunch the next day, Carrie tells the gals about the humiliation of getting stood up on a blind date she lowered herself to go on in the first place. Charlotte asks her if she's absolutely sure she was stood up, and Carrie says that the options are that:
a) Ted didn't show up
b) Ted got a good look at her horsey face and ran for the hills (the likeliest outcome)
She can't decide which is more insulting...though I'm pretty sure that being rejected at first glance is infinitely more insulting than just being stood up. Samantha tells Carrie it's beneath her to be going out on blind dates, and Carrie concurs and declares that she's done with dating altogether, especially since she's guaranteed of having a fun time whenever she spends the evening with one or more of them. Charlotte makes a yeech face and urges her to keep plugging away at the dating game and continue to take risks - otherwise she might end up an old maid. Egads!
Carrie changes the topic to Charlotte's thirty-sixth birthday and wants to discuss how and where they will be celebrating this milestone - but Charlotte hangs her head in shame and says her life isn't at all what she thought it would be by this point and pronounces that she's "sticking" at thirty-five. Miranda tells her to buck up like the rest of them when they had to turn thirty-six, but Samantha tells her to let Charlotte be and that lying about her age is the smartest thing she's done in years. She then tells the gals she can't make the birthday party, 'cause Richard has a poker game in Atlantic City on the weekend, so they're both flying there on his private jet...and Carrie sulks about it being total bullshit that the four of them can't get together to celebrate Charlotte's thirty-faux birthday.
At Casa Bradshaw, Carrie continues to mutter, "This is bullshit", then gets on the horn with Samantha for a last ditch effort to sort out a way for the four of them to get together to celebrate Charlotte's birthday. Samantha pauses the call to ask Richard if he'd mind terribly if she skipped going to Atlantic City with him 'cause of how badly Carrie wants the four of them to get together this weekend, and he offers to book a few suites at the Atlantic City hotel for the slutbags and adds that there's plenty of room for them on his private jet. Carrie excitedly shrieks, "Yessss!!" over the phone.
Carrie arrives at Miranda's apartment so they can head to the airport together. Miranda answers the door with her sad face on and tells her she's not ready to be separated from her baby - then flashes a smile and goes, "Just kidding!" and giddily says she's been freeeeee ever since Steve left with their bundle of joy two hours ago.
Speaking of Steve...
A few seconds later, Steve appears on Miranda's doorstep with a wigged out expression on his face. He says, "I can't do this" and tells Miranda he's terrified to be alone with Brady in case he accidentally kills him. A deflated Miranda tells Carrie she'd better go 'cause otherwise she'll miss the private jet, but Carrie refuses and insists that they'll figure something out.
Charlotte enters Richard's private jet and looks less than thrilled when she sees that only Richard and Samantha are aboard...and that they're ickily entwined in each other's arms. Samantha explains that Carrie and Miranda had a problem with the baby, blah blah, and that they'll meet them in Atlantic City. Charlotte spots a wrapped gift on one of the seats, assumes it's a birthday gift from Samantha, and happily unwraps it...and is confused when it's a string of pearls attached to a piece of material. Richard's like, "Oops" and explains that it's a pearl thong he bought for Samantha...and Samantha cackles with delight and gives him a thank you smooch. Charlotte takes her knitting out of her purse and remarks on how much the hobby calms her nerves (thought I'm not sure what she'd be stressed about since she has no job and lives in the luxurious Park Avenue apartment she snagged from Trey), but Samantha and Richard are too focused on their dry-humping to even grunt any kind of reply.
Miranda is sniping at Steve for abdicating his responsibility in caring for Brady this weekend. Carrie confers privately with Magda, then rushes back over to Miranda and tells her that Magda has generously offered to help Steve take care of the baby this weekend. After a few seconds of hemming and hawing, Miranda agrees, but then says, "We've already missed the jet. How would we even get there?" ... and in the next scene, the two are climbing aboard the old lady express bus. Miranda pulls out a stack of magazines and says she's been wanting some alone time with these lovelies - but Carrie looks put out and reminds her that they have to put the time in to invest in their friendship...then glances around at all the elderly women and quietly remarks, "At the end of the line, it's just going to be us ladies riding a bus."
When the gals converge at the Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City, an energized Carrie urges them to take it all in...then takes a few deep breaths and sighs wistfully about how much she's missed the stench of stale cigarette smoke. She then offers to take "my ladies" out for dinner, and they all perk up and look thrilled to share yet another meal together.
In the restaurant, Miranda hands Charlotte a birthday present...and when Charlotte anxiously reminds her that she's not celebrating this year 'cause she's sticking at thirty-five, Miranda tells her it's just something silly she bought in the hotel gift shop for $3.99. Charlotte unwraps the gift, which is a deck of Old Maid cards, so she shoots Miranda the stink-eye and snaps, "Is this supposed to be funny?!" and Miranda's like, "Well duh. Look in a mirror. You're the furthest thing from an old maid." Richard stops by their table to smarmily say hey and announce that his poker game is about to start...and a few seconds later, a busty waitress sashays over to flirtily greet Richard and escort him to the game. Samantha glares after them and grumbles, "Who picked this breastaurant?" and decides she's far too insecure to let Richard play a game of poker without her hovering over him every second.
The gals (sans Samantha) are having a fun time gambling when some random guy asks Carrie to blow on his dice for luck. She declines and urges him to ask Charlotte, who for some reason is dressed in a Victorian Era schoolmarm ensemble. The random guy's friend makes a blech face and says, "No, get the hot one" [despite the fact that Charlotte would be the hot one in this scenario if she simply unbuttoned her high collar and released her lustrous hair from the severe ponytail she's currently sporting]. The random guy shrugs and tells Carrie he wants her to blow on his dice 'cause she's his lucky blonde, and she gigglingly indulges...and a few seconds later, the random guy wins $12,000. As everyone woots and cheers, he tosses a $1,000 chip at Carrie and urges her to get in the game and have some fun. Charlotte, meanwhile, stares daggers at him and mutters to herself about how sexist [and clearly demented] he proved himself to be when he referred to Carrie as "the hot one". Carrie suggests they all go see ZZ Top in the Magic Carpet Room, but Miranda says she's ready to call it a night, and heads up to her room. A miffed Carrie screeches after her, "You can't leave! In five minutes, Charlotte turns thirty-five again!" and Charlotte snaps at her to shut it, then storms off to her room.
Carrie is sitting on her hotel room bed, studying the $1,000 chip she got from the random guy. She can't help but wonder why people gamble if the house always wins...then scrunches her face as if she's thinking deep thoughts while staring mutely into space.
The next morning, Samantha tells Richard she'll probably hang with her gal pals all day, and he says he's not yet sure what his plans are. A sexy maid enters the room, flirtily greets Richard, then gets introduced to Samantha as Terry...and Samantha snidely says, "That oughta be easy to remember. Terry with her terrycloth towels" and bitchily ushers her out of the room. She glares at Richard, who tells her it's silly and immature to be jealous of a casino cleaning lady - but since Samantha decides that silly and immature is the direction in which she wants to take this relationship, she goes on the offensive by unbuttoning her shirt and dropping to her knees to give Richard a blow job so he won't be tempted to get one elsewhere.
Charlotte stands in front of her bathroom mirror thinking about what an old maid she looks like, which...well duh, since in this scene, Pat Field has decked her out in an old lady floral bathrobe and vintage shower cap. Considering Charlotte's fashion savvy and the gorgeous clothes we've seen her wear in every other episode of SATC, it's hard to believe she'd even own a vintage shower cap, much less pack it for a weekend trip to Atlantic City.
Carrie and Miranda are playing the slot machines when an exhausted looking Samantha appears and reports that she just finished a three hour romp with Richard and is pretty sure "he's fucked out now". She explains that it was a necessary act of defensive fucking 'cause of all the cheap looking whores flying at him from every direction.
And speaking of cheap looking whores...
The three are suddenly startled by the sight of Charlotte strutting toward them in a skimpy, cleavage-baring dress. She tells the gals she didn't like the schoolmarm clothes she somehow thought would be fun to wear in Atlantic City, so she went and bought this dress in the hotel gift shop. Carrie jokes that these kinds of dresses are for women who have lost all their money and have to turn tricks...but Charlotte just giggles at her renewed hotness, and the gals go off to gamble.
Samantha laments tagging along with her cheating beau to "Atlantic Titty", then complains about how her pearl thong is chafing her nether regions. Miranda loses big at the blackjack table and asks Carrie for her $1,000 chip...but Carrie isn't ready to part with it, and the two get into a bickerfest. A chubby, impatient guy who's been waiting to play blackjack glares in their direction and snarks, "Hey, Red, move your fat ass!" and the room falls silent as the gigolas stare back at him in shocked disgust. When Samantha asks him who the hell he thinks he is, he's all, "Ah, fuck you" and Charlotte gets all in his face and explains that Miranda's ass isn't normally this big - and Miranda kind of perks up at that and says, "Yes, thank you...I almost forgot. My ass is fat because I just had a baby. You asshole!" Samantha and Carrie get in on that action and shriek, "What's your excuse? You having triplets?!" and as Chubbo hangs his head in well-deserved shame, the gals strut off proudly, high-fiving each other. A mortified Miranda says she wants to go back to her room and feel bad about her fatness...then ambles off, ensuring sure that her ample behind is adequately covered by her long cardigan sweater.
Samantha gets a call from Richard on her cell phone, informing her that he just scheduled a conference call. Naturally, Samantha assumes it's code for 'I'm fucking the hotel maid', and makes a run for the elevator. When one isn't immediately available, she races to the stairwell (instead of just waiting a few seconds for the next elevator) and struggles up each flight of stairs to get to her floor, removing the torturous pearl thong in the process. When she bursts into the suite, out of breath and clutching the pearl thong in one hand, she finds Richard sitting alone on the couch, calmly wrapping up his conference call. She glances around, amazed to not find a naked woman strutting around, and exclaims, "No one's here!" and says she was certain he'd be fucking someone right now. Richard assures her he's doing his best to not hurt her again and insists he loves her...and she says she loves him too, but adds, "I love me more." She takes off the giant canary diamond ring he gave her during the previous episode, and lays that and the pearl thong on the table in front of Richard before walking out of the room and out of this creepy relationship forever. As she ambles down the hall, she passes maid Terry, who smirks knowingly in her direction...and apparently this helps validate Samantha's decision to break things off.
Charlotte wants to flirt with a couple of cute men in the bar, but Carrie says she'd much prefer to spend some one-on-one gal pal time with her on the boardwalk. Eventually, the men get tired of waiting around for them to decide if they want free drinks and look for booty elsewhere.
As Carrie and Charlotte ride around on a boardwalk trolley bus, Carrie suggests they just skip the drama of men altogether and spend the rest of their lives enjoying each other's company. Charlotte makes a yeech face and says she doesn't want to skip the drama of men, since drama is life, aka marriage and kids. Two things she's been desperately seeking since the pilot. Carrie sadly mulls that over and decides to amble off alone...then finds a park bench where she can wistfully contemplate the train wreck her life has turned into ever since her disastrous decision to cut Aidan loose.
Back at the casino, Carrie decides to gamble her $1,000 chip and places a bet...and promptly loses. Haha!
The gals are on the old lady express bus, heading back to Manhattan. Miranda is annoyed at Carrie for squandering the $1,000 chip, since it would have afforded them a more comfortable mode of transportation. Carrie says she assumed they were taking the jet back, then irritably asks Samantha why she couldn't have broken up with Richard one day later. Charlotte pulls out her deck of Old Maid cards and suggests a game to pass the time...and when everyone chirps, "I'm in!", Carrie decides it's a moment they'll all want to remember and asks the woman sitting across the aisle to snap their picture.
Recap: This episode begins with footage of various couples, canoodlingly ambling around Manhattan as Carrie voice-overs about how the worst thing about not being in a relationship is when your job is to write about being in a relationship. That's interesting...I thought her job was to sum up whatever raunchy sexploits she and the gigolas were experiencing throughout the episode. The camera then pans over to Carrie, who's sitting at her desk, staring blankly at her blank computer screen.
At the next brunch summit, Carrie asks the gals if they remember a guy she briefly doinked who she dubbed "Randall the sandal guy" ... and when they're all, "Wuh? Who?" she admits she's been scraping the bottom of the raunch writing barrel lately. Case in point: last week her column topic was 'my search for the perfect French fry'. Charlotte chirps, "I saw that. It was cute!" and when Carrie asks Samantha what she thought of the pointless drivel, Samantha is forced to admit that she doesn't always have time (or the slightest interest) in reading her shittastic column. Carrie self-piteously says that even her friends find her irrelevant, moans about being in a dating desert, and reports that her editor's been trying to get in touch with her...most likely 'cause he's cancelling her column and laying her off. If only. When Samantha assures her that she's not getting laid off, Carrie reminds her how hard the economy currently sucks and that people with real jobs are getting laid off. She's been so desperate to generate content for her weekly nonsense that she started writing about her sock drawer...and Charlotte's all, "Ack!" and suggests they troll for men together in order to get her raunch writing juicing flowing again. When the waitress comes by to take their orders, Samantha says, "I'll have the fruit plate...and I'm back with Richard." The gals are all, "Wha-a?!" so she explains that after leaving her dozens of I'm sorry phone messages, she finally agreed to hear him out. His official excuse is that he got scared of being in a monogamous relationship - but Charlotte and Miranda look unimpressed and say that it doesn't adequately explain or excuse his cheating. Samantha says that being scared isn't an easy thing for a cowardly douche like Richard to admit, and that she's choosing to believe he's sorry and that from now on will do his darnedest to stay faithful. Carrie says they should all respect her decision, then cheekily announces that her next column will focus on "desperate women who will believe anything". Heh.
Miranda and Steve are baby-proofing her apartment when Steve suggests they get little Brady baptized. Miranda laughs heartily and reminds him that neither of them goes to church, so Steve says that everyone in his family has been baptized and that it would mean a lot to his maaaa. Miranda snaps, "Your maaaa?!" and points out that he never had a maaaa the entire time they were dating. Steve says that baptizing a baby ensures he won't end up in a bodiless state of limbo if something tragic were to happen, and Miranda jokes about how that's something they definitely need to worry about...then says it's stupid to go through the trouble of a baptism purely for the sake of making his maaaa happy. Steve just shrugs and says it's actually nice, 'cause their loved ones gather together to see the baby and eat cake...and that all the actual baptism amounts to is a priest putting a little water on their kid's head.
Samantha tells Richard that her gal pals don't believe he's sincere about never cheating on her again, and Richard says he doesn't give a rat's ass what those slutbags think, then presents her with a ring box. When Samantha looks alarmed that he's about to propose, he tells her it's not for that finger, but rather her middle finger...so that when she's flipping him off, he has something shiny and expensive staring back at him. Samantha opens the box and finds a ginormous canary diamond ring. She squeals happily, slides it on her middle finger, and flips him off. And then the two start going at it, which...blech. For some reason, these two really creep me out whenever they're in bed together.
Carrie is struggling to come up with something remotely interesting for her column and thinks that writing about the socks in her sock drawer could actually get the job done.
Later, Carrie and Charlotte hang out at an outdoor cafe, playing a game where they track the number of men (who walk by) they'd be willing to go to bed with. Charlotte has approved over half a dozen men, while Carrie keeps her score at zero...'cause, yeah, it's real believable that she'd be this picky about the men she's willing to bed-hop with. Charlotte tells her she's becoming too cynical, then invites her to attend a kooky self-help seminar she registered for that's being run by a kooky sounding Dr. Cheryl Grayson. Carrie makes a face, but then gives in when Charlotte points out that she could probably get a column out of it.
Charlotte suddenly spots a balding, big-headed man ambling towards them and remarks that no way would she ever hit the sheets with the likes of him...then looks panicked and says, "OMG! He's coming over here! Don't look up!" The balding, big-headed man turns out to be Gabe, Carrie's raunch column editor. He admonishes Carrie for not returning his many phone calls, and she hastily tells him that she's in the process of doing some research for her next column...and by research, she explains that she and Charlotte are keeping track of how many men who walk by they'd be willing to do the horizontal mambo with. Gabe rolls his eyes derisively and tells her they're a just weekly tabloid, and that no one's asking her [or has ever expected her] to fuck every man in the city in order to create column content. He then tells her the reason he's been trying to get a hold of her: an editor from Clearwater Press is interested in turning her columns into a book. The fuckety fuck? Carrie stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds as that implausible news sinks in, then squeals, "Oooooh!" and beams up at him happily.
Carrie meets with two Clearwater Press editors - Lilly and Courtney - who both seem far too excited to be hanging out with a raunch writer of Carrie's sewage level calibre. They wank her about what big fans of her column they are and predict that the book will be a HUGE success 'cause of all the single women out there who are somehow desperate to keep up with all the sexcapades of Carrie and her oversexed friends. The editors would like to fast-track the book, but tell Carrie she's free to pick and choose the columns she'd like to include in the compilation. They add that they're also going to need her to write an introduction that ties her shittily written schlock together...then pause to ask what her view of love is, bearing in mind the various train wrecks and disappointments she's experienced throughout Seasons 1-4. Carrie stares blankly into space for a few seconds, then mutters something about how she's hopeful for love. Sorta.
Samantha's thrilled when Carrie tells her about the publishing of her book...and Carrie's about to retort when she's momentarily blinded by Samantha's ginormous canary diamond ring. Samantha explains that Richard gave it to her to expensively express his remorse for cheating on her.
Carrie's sitting on her bed, sorting through her columns and trying to think of a theme that's deeper than just "here's a random collection of my raunch-filled musings" for the introduction of her book.
Charlotte is at home chanting her daily affirmations, then writes "I believe in love" with lipstick on her bathroom mirror. Why she's so rabid about quickly hooking up with another man, I don't get. Didn't she just break up with Trey a couple of months ago? Chillax, girl.
Miranda is waiting for Steve at the church...and when he climbs out of a cab, she snarks, "I'm waiting in the rainnnn!" - but then quickly puts a lid on her bitchitude when she sees that Steve brought his maaaa along. Ma Brady is visibly disappointed that Miranda doesn't have Brady with her, and pulls out the tiny baby photo of him she likes to carry around and show to people. She tells Miranda she's grateful to be included in the baptism, natters about happy she is that her grandson isn't going to burn in hell, then ambles toward the priest when he emerges from the church. When she sourly informs him, "They're not getting married", Miranda shoots Steve the stink-eye and asks him if his maaaa has been drinking.
Inside the church, Miranda negotiates with the priest the terms of the baptism ceremony: no mention of being Catholic, no reference to original sin, or the renouncing of Satan. The priest is OK with it, 'cause (as Carrie voice-overs) the church had become like a desperate, thirty-six year old single woman that "was willing to settle for anything it can get".
Miranda takes Carrie with her to pick out a christening gown. Carrie remarks on what an odd tradition baptism is, then changes the topic to herself and babbles that in order to write up an introduction for her book, she needs to figure out if she's a pessimist or an optimist about the notion of love. Miranda shifts the conversation back to herself and says she only agreed to the baptism for Steve's sake, and describes Ma Brady as "Steve in a wig, drunk". She then asks Carrie if she would please do her the honor of becoming her son's godmother so she has someone to roll her at eyes at during the ceremony...and Carrie's like, "Er, OK."
Charlotte and Carrie arrive Dr. Cheryl Grayson's positive affirmation seminar...and everyone takes a written affirmation out a glass jar. Charlotte happily reads hers - I believe in the good in people - while Carrie jokingly says that hers reads I believe this is hooey, which fails to amuse Charlotte. When Carrie mentions that she helped pick out a christening gown for little Brady 'cause she's just been appointed godmother, Charlotte looks miffed at being passed over for the job. As Charlotte quietly sulks, Carrie glances around the auditorium and jokes about how the two of them look like they might be the only normal people at the seminar, then says, "I believe in the good of Charlotte." Charlotte suspends her sulking to ask Carrie what the christening gown looks like. White with a longish bottom part would be my guess.
Samantha and Richard are out dining at a swanky restaurant, where he's making it a point to refrain from brazenly checking out every hot woman who's sexily sashaying past their table. Samantha tells him he'll have to escort her to Miranda's baby baptism on Sunday, and he says he's A-OK with that 'cause of how much he loooooves her.
Dr. Cheryl Grayson is nattering about love, and how "it will come to you when you believe you deserve it". A woman in the audience stands up and says her affirmations have been so effective that she fell in love last week and now knows she deserves it. Please. She's either shamelessly wanking the instructor or was paid to get up and say that. Charlotte takes the mic and asks the doctor how long it's going to take her to find soulmate #2, then says she's been doing her affirmations every day, but yet nothing is happening...so she's becoming doubtful it ever will. Dr. Grayson chides her for her fear and doubt, then breezily tells her to continue repeating her affirmations and attending her for-profit seminars...and eventually her love life will magically sort itself out. Charlotte is dissatisfied with that answer and gives a brief synopsis of meeting Trey, rushing head-first into an ill-advised marriage, then accuses her ex of taking away her ability to believe in love. She insists she puts herself out there, but feels hopeless about finding someone before the ink on her divorce papers dries. Dr. Grayson suggests she's not really putting herself out there or is trying very hard - and an irked Carrie grabs the mic and barks, "Believe me. She's out there" and Charlotte shoots her a grateful smile for coming to her defence.
Carrie arrives at church on Baptism Sunday wearing a pink flower thing on her head that looks exactly like the shower sponge that's hanging in my bathroom. She meets Brady's godfather-to-be, a dork named Patrick, who kisses her hand and suggests they hook up after the baptism...and I'm genuinely surprised when Carrie doesn't seriously consider the icky offer. Miranda swoops in to rescue her from Patrick's smarmy clutches, and Carrie pulls her aside and points out the obvious: that she's clearly not godmother material, and that Charlotte would have been a waaaaay better choice. Miranda disagrees, says she loves that she's not maternal...and that while she doesn't believe in any of the religious stuff, she believes in their friendship and really really wants her to be Brady's godmother.
During the baptism, Charlotte tiptoes toward the front of the church to take photos of Carrie holding Brady...and a leering Patrick photobombs a few of the shots. As the priest performs the ceremony, Ma Brady and Magda look on with undisguised delight, while Samantha jokes to Richard that there's not enough holy water in the world to cleanse him. As the two chuckle about his extracurricular pussy munching in the Season 4 finale, Carrie voice-overs that she hoped the water would wash away her "original cynicism".
As everyone files out of the church, Richard needlessly tells Miranda he really did get scared of being exclusive with Samantha...and Miranda gives him a look that says 'why in blazes would you bother telling me this?' then breezily says, "OK, whatever. Thanks for coming." She grumbles to Carrie and Charlotte about what a slimy player he is, but Charlotte gazes dreamily into space and chirps, "I dunno. Maybe things will work out between them."
Back at Casa Bradshaw, Carrie dedicates her book to "hopeful, cynical women everywhere", in particular Charlotte: the eternal optimist who's desperately on the hunt for rich husband #2.
Recap: Carrie is gaily strolling down the street in her short new 'do, gabbling about all the ways one can fill up a day when single in New York. She skips across the street to the Paris Theater and happily chirps at the ticket booth lady, "Joy For Two for one" and tries to look as blissful as humanly possible while she watches the film and munches on popcorn.
The next morning at breakfast, Samantha bitches to the gigolas about how Richard keeps leaving I'm sorry messages on her answering machine, then snarls, "Like all the I'm sorries are going to make up for the fact that I caught him eating another woman's pussy." Charlotte flinches at her loud blurting out of the p-word and motions over to where little Brady is sitting in his baby seat next to Miranda. Miranda assures them it's perfectly fine to raunch talk in front of her hapless infant, then jokingly says to just think of him as a big purse. Samantha's like, "Can do" and continues to loudly rail about Richard's adulterous pussy eating, and this time Carrie flinches and suggests she substitute sushi for pussy, if only for the sake of the other diners who have the misfortune of sitting within earshot of their table. She then changes the subject to herself and tells the gals she went to the Paris Theater on Saturday night and watched a movie by herself, and an aghast looking Charlotte cries, "On date night?!" and asks if she's not worried that people are going to think she's a sad, pathetic person [if they haven't already come to that conclusion]. Carrie argues that New York is the perfect city to be single in, then says she's going to start thinking of New York as her date...and jokingly says they've been dating for the past eighteen years and is pretty sure that things are getting serious. Samantha starts to dial into her voicemail to listen to Richard's latest phone message - but Charlotte barks at her to stop doing that, emotionally cut him out of her life, and move on. She then pronounces, "Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your life" and Miranda bitterly guffaws and asks her if she read that nonsense in Convenient Theories For You Monthly. Bwahahaha! Charlotte holds firm and insists that there's a finite amount of love in the world, and that a love that shakes you to your core is extremely rare. She says she's already had one such love (I'll assume she's referring to Trey, even though I never got the sense that Mr. Flaccid ever shook her to her core) - while Miranda says she hasn't had any and refuses to classify Steve as a core shaker. Charlotte tells Carrie she's had two - Big and Aidan - then realizes she just put her foot in it when Carrie says, according to this theory, she's done with love and that her epitaph will read: Here lies Carrie. She had two loves...and lots of shoes. [And a shit ton of debt from buying all those shoes that made it necessary for her to pawn Charlotte's diamond ring for her mortgage downpayment, the repayment of which the writers have conveniently avoided mentioning since the Ring A Ding Ding episode.]
After lunch, the gals spot hunky sailors ambling around Manhattan, then gabble excitedly about how it's Fleet Week, the one week of the year when U.S. Naval ships dock and the city is overrun with horny military men on shore leave. Samantha says she definitely wants to go to the big Navy party, but Carrie says she has zero interest in that and puns, "That ship has sailed." Samantha insists that as patriotic women of New York, they're obligated to show these sailors a good time - but Carrie argues that a much better way of demonstrating patriotism would be to come shopping with her and throw some much needed dollars downtown. Charlotte and Samantha like the idea of giving their credit cards a workout and chirp, "I'm in!", but Miranda moans, "I forgot the snugli" and Samantha perks up at the prospect of ditching her friend and her drooling tot and says, "Let's get you a cab home!", shoves her into the back seat of the cab that promptly pulls up, and sends her on her way. Miranda stares out the back window at them looking sad and left out.
Miranda arrives home, surprised to find Steve in her apartment. He tells her that Magda let him in, made him a sandwich, and that he's been waiting around to hang with Brady. Miranda bitchily tells him he can't hang right now 'cause she needs to get Brady down for his nap, then summons her baby nurse, Lina...who, for some reason, has been discussing the plight of Miranda's sore nipples with Steve.
Charlotte flinches when her building's doorman refers to her as Mrs. MacDougal. She then decides to remove MacDougal from the name plate of her front door, and replaces it with York. I wonder if she feels any amount of sheepishness for continuing to squat in this luxurious MacDougal residence she didn't do a damn thing to earn.
When Samantha returns home, she gets another I'm sorry voicemail message from Richard, who urges her to meet up with him for a drink at Sushi Samba. Carrie voice-overs that while it was the right sentiment, it was the wrong restaurant (I'm guessing she found the sushi reference objectionable after being forced by the gals earlier to substitute sushi for pussy).
Samantha arrives at Sushi Samba decked out in a yellow skin tight dress. She flounces over to where Richard is sitting and appreciatively checking her out. He tells her he ordered her a dirty martini and gives her a hopeful smile, and she picks up the glass, throws the drink in his face, and growls, "Dirty martini. Dirty bastard" and flounces back out.
Samantha calls Carrie to report the throwing of her drink in Richard's face...and she's telling her this while ripping up photos of him. For a forty-six year old woman, she's really reacting to this breakup like a drama-filled fifteen year old girl. She then complains to Carrie about the baby talk at breakfast and says she signed up for friendship, "not PC bullshit baby brunches". Carrie tells her that Brady won't happen every day, but Samantha grunts and says she's pretty sure that the days of blurting out expletives and cackling raunchily about their conquests' genitals have become a thing of the past. Oh no!
Carrie goes home to tap out her column and pontificate about the freedom people enjoy before "the baggage and babies", then can't help but wonder if a sense of adventure still flickers inside of her and her gal pals. She types out 'when it comes to being carefree single girls, have we missed the boat?' then stares contemplatively into space about what a snorefest this week's instalment is going to be for her readership.
Carrie drops by Miranda's apartment with a bag of chocolates and finds Miranda stressing about the challenges of breastfeeding a baby who keeps rebuffing her nipple. Carrie natters her usual self-centered nonsense, which Miranda is too distracted and frazzled to absorb, and then is all, "Holy hooters!" when she catches sight of Miranda's ginormous post pregnancy breasts. Miranda says her life right now is all about nursing and nipples, and that it's sooo frustrating to not be able to carry on an adult conversation. She whimpers, "My friendships are important to me" and Carrie assures her that she and the other gigolas aren't going anywhere, and that things might change a bit now that a baby has been permanently written into the script. A few seconds later, Brady finally gets the hang of the nipple, which is Carrie's cue to get up and announce that she's off to the Guggenheim and then who knows? It's New York!
Charlotte, meanwhile, is spending the afternoon with Anthony Marentino...and when a cute sailor walks by and brazenly checks Charlotte out, Anthony urges her to go talk to him, arrange a date, and indulge in a meaningless romp. Charlotte makes a face and says she's looking for her next great love, but Anthony advises against waiting longer than six months to have sex 'cause by that point her nether regions could grow over.
Samantha is wandering around Richard's neighborhood, handing out 'Richard is a cheater and liar' flyers to passersby and also taping them to light poles. A female police officer pulls up and warns her against defacing public property...but when Samantha explains that the man featured in the flyers told her he loved her, but then was caught munching below the equator of another woman, the police officer tells her it's A-OK to carry on with her tedious hell hath no fury sideshow.
When Carrie arrives at the Guggenheim, she's disappointed to find it closed...and the weather takes a weird turn and gets really windy and starts raining. Carrie shrieks loudly when her skirt blows up and reveals her unsightly granny panties, and she quickly finds shelter under the covered entrance of an apartment building and grins stupidly at the attractive man standing next to her. She flirtily natters at him that if this were a French movie, they'd be totally falling in love right now and he'd be proposing marriage...and he looks understandably grossed out by the prospect and flees in the rain.
Carrie goes to a soup place to dry off...and when she asks for a table, she's barked at by the crusty cook to sit at the counter with the rest of the single losers. She finds herself seated next to a nutty old lady who's counting out her lithium tablets and yammering about how, when she was a young woman, she broke up with her boyfriend in the hopes of someone better coming along...but then months turned into years, which turned into decades, and no one better ever did come along. Subtle, show.
Carrie has trouble hailing a cab - until a group of cute sailors spill out of a cab a few feet away from her and then hold it for her. She blushes like the lovely doe-eyed maiden she imagines she must look like to them, murmurs a thank you, and daintily climbs into the back seat. A few seconds later, one of the sailors asks her to roll down her window. He introduces himself as Louis Leroy and invites her to the big Navy party tonight...and his buddies tell her she should "feel very free" to bring along any DTF girlfriends she may have.
The gals (sans Miranda) get all glammed up and meet in Times Square to totter around in their stilettos while heading over to the Navy party. Charlotte says she's down for some action with a horny sailor now that six months have passed since she and Trey hit the sheets...and Samantha nearly faints from the very idea of enduring such a long dry spell. When the three arrive at the Navy party, they each wander off in different directions...and Carrie stands in the middle of the rockin' party room looking confused and bewildered.
As Miranda changes Brady's diaper, his bellybutton falls off...and Fatty the cat perks up and is all, "A new plaything for me!" and promptly snatches it so he can bat it around with his paws. Miranda starts screeching at Fatty to give it back, while Lina looks horrified and repeatedly shakes her head. Miranda summons Steve to come over and rescue their son's bellybutton and wails, "It's gross! Help me! It's gross!"
Back at the Navy party, a young hunk flirts with Carrie...but quickly strikes out when he tells her that she reminds him of his equine-like mother. Charlotte is sitting at a table, canoodling with a good looking officer who asks to get an eyeful of her hooters. Charlotte throws all decorum and good taste to the wind and flashes one boob, which Carrie witnesses and then cries, "OMG! Ack!" When she runs into Samantha a few seconds later, she complains about being subjected to the sight of Miranda's and Charlotte's boobs in the same day, then jokes, "Why not just show me yours and get it over with?" and naturally Samantha takes that as an invitation to lower the front of her dress and relish the inevitable cheering and wooting from all the sailors who got a gander of her mammaries. Carrie declares she's done with the boob-baring Navy mixer and heads toward the exit...but on her way there she runs into Louis, who implores her to stay so that he can fulfill his fantasy of dancing with a skanky New York City girl.
Carrie and Louis sway together in a dragged out, superfluous dance sequence. Samantha, meanwhile, checks her phone messages again and listens to one from Richard insisting that he really truly loves her and urges her to call him.
Carrie asks Louis how many great loves he thinks a person gets, and he mulls that over for a few seconds and says, "Maybe one. If you're lucky." Carrie says she's glad she stayed longer at the party, especially considering how hard the city kicked her ass today. Louis makes an ick face and says he doesn't much like all the garbage and noise of New York City and says he doesn't get how people put up with it. Carrie bids him good night...and when he tells her she shouldn't leave alone 'cause it's rough out there, she huskily retorts, "It isn't so bad." She then totters off in her stilettos, grumbling in a voice-over about how annoyed she is that Louis would dare "talk shit about my boyfriend" ... then babbles something or other about it being bad to let the past weigh you down like an anchor.