Recap: Alison, Billy, and Jane are out for a morning jog...and after they race each other back to Melrose Place, Billy heads straight to his apartment to take a shower while Alison and Jane run into Jo, who warmly greets Jane while giving Alison the stink-eye. When Jane's all, "Whassup with Jo's snootitude?", Alison explains that Jo is miffed 'cause Steve has a crush on her, then dishes about the beach kiss they shared at the end of the previous episode. She adds that while she feels guilty about quasi-cheating on Billy, she feels drawn to Steve and doesn't know what to do. An unimpressed Jane gets on her judgey high horse and snarls at her for poaching off of other women's relationships the way Kimberly did with Michael, thereby destroying her marriage, then warns that Billy isn't going to trust her if she continues her deceitful flirtation with Steve. Over at the hospital, Michael corners Kimberly and laments never appreciating her when they were together, then declares his love for her. He promises to do everything possible to win her back and moans that she's everyyyyyything to him. She makes it clear she wants to be colleagues and nothing more...and when Michael says he doesn't buy that, she's like, "I really don't give a rat's ass." Sydney is setting up for the lunch rush at Shooters, grumbling at her co-worker Ellen about how everyone in L.A. is only out for themselves. Ellen chuckles that she's far too young to be so cynical, then invites her out tonight to a Hollywood A-list party to enjoy a night of star-gazing fun. That evening, Sydney knocks on Jane's door to say hey, gush about the fancy Hollywood party she was invited to, and ask if she could borrow one of Jane's designer duds. Jane stares back at her in utter incredulity, says she amazes her in the cuntiest way possible, and that she'd sooner hurl herself off a cliff before she'd ever lend her anything to wear. A distraught Sydney asks her if she's going to hold her one mistake over her forever, and Jane reminds her that sleeping with one's sister's husband is more than just a mistake, barks, "Leave me alone!", and slams the door in her face. After a long shift at the hospital, Kimberly climbs into her car and is startled to find Michael sacked out in the passenger seat. When she orders him to get out of her car, he admits to being a liar who doesn't deserve her...though perhaps he may, given his willingness to change. He starts fake blubbering about how he loves her sooooo much and then went and ruined everything by doinking Sydney...and as he blows his nose, Kimberly rolls her eyes and asks him why he's faking a nervous breakdown in her car. Michael chuckles and tells her it's part of his strategy to wear her down, says he can't live without her, and will love her forever, regardless of whether or not she takes him back. Kimberly mulls that over, says she'll consider going out to dinner with him, but that he needs to get out of her car so she can go home and get some much needed rest. Michael grins stupidly and victoriously shrieks, "Yessssss!" Sydney and Ellen arrive at the swanky Hollywood house party...and several feet away the two are ogled by two Days of Our Lives soap stars: Kristian Alfonso and the rugged tough guy who played Patch. Ellen steers Sydney towards them, and Sydney prattles on and on about how star-struck she is, being in such close proximity to Patch, aka a famous moviemaker. Kristian Alfonso pulls her aside, urges her to chillax, and invites her to go inside the house and get some food. Sydney apologizes if she comes off like a fish-out-of-water type dork while in the company of the Hollywood elite and hopes she hasn't embarrassed her, and Kristian Alfonso grins and says, "No, you're perfect" and saunters off, leaving a happy Sydney beaming after her. Jo arrives at D&D to drop off the latest MicroComp campaign photos and glower at Alison some more as she finishes up a call with Steve. Alison tells Jo that Steve sends his best, and that they're both sorry things didn't work out between them. As Jo glares at her in brazen disgust, Alison chalks up the ill-fated love triangle to a misunderstanding, and insists that Steve is an awesome, sensitive man who never meant to hurt anyone. An incredulous Jo shakes her head and dismayingly says, "You should hear yourself", then admonishes Alison for being less concerned about Billy than she is her "sensitive friend Steve". Kristian Alfonso drops by Shooters to tells Sydney that Patch liked the cut of her jib and wants to take her out to some happening clubs tonight. Sydney looks as if she's about to burst with an uncontainable amount of joy and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!! With meeeeeeee?! Reeeeeeeeeally?!", and Ellen wryly offers to dilute Sydney's over-excitement by coming along and making it a double date. They all arrange to meet up later...and once Kristian Alfonso is out of earshot, Sydney grins ear-to-ear while shrieking, "This is too cool to be true!!" It probably is, Sydney. It probably is. Billy returns home and finds a romantic, candle-lit dinner waiting for him, courtesy of Alison. When he's all, "Whassup with all this?", she tells him it's her way of thanking him for neglecting him while she's been so busy working on Steve's campaign, then leans in for a smooch. Michael and Kimberly are out to dinner...and a drunken Michael is nattering on and on about something or other [I was too lazy to hit rewind], then presents her with a small jewelry box. Kimberly opens it, stares at the diamond ring inside, and snaps, "What is this?" Michael proposes marriage and says he loves her and is serious about their future...and Kimberly mutters, "Damn you..", tells him that his guilty conscience has made him crazy, and that she's leaving now and will meet him in the car. Michael stays behind to pay the check, guzzle the rest of what's in the wine bottle, then stumbles out to the parking lot. Kimberly, who's somehow A-OK with a visibly drunk Michael getting behind the wheel, apologizes for reacting so bitchily to his marriage proposal. While driving, Michael fiddles with the ring box, swerves to avoid hitting a parked car, and forcibly puts the ring on her finger. Kimberly admires it, agrees to marry the dolt...and then the two start needlessly kissing while the unmanned car is hurtling down a curvy road at a high rate of speed. Kimberly finally screams at him to keep his eyes on the fucking road - just before Michael loses control of the car, which smashes past a guardrail and tumbles over a cliff. The car eventually lands upside down as a heap of twisted metal that doesn't look remotely survivable. After the commercial break, first responders are on the scene, using the jaws of life to extract the two from the overturned car. Michael moans that he can't move, then looks over at Kimberly, who's unconscious and bloody. The paramedics eventually rush them both to the hospital, where they're attended to by Katya. She gives Kimberly a once over...and when she can't get a pulse she bellows, "Code blue!" at no one in particular before wheeling her off to the nearest trauma room. Sydney and Ellen are all dolled up and ready to party with Patch et. al. when they run into an ashen looking Matt, who informs Sydney that Michael and Kimberly were just in a very serious car accident. Sydney's all, "Nooooo!!" and says she'd better tell Jane...and as Ellen rolls her eyes and says they really should get going now, Sydney explains, "My brother-in-law's been hurt!" and rushes over to Jane's apartment to break the bad news. Jane says that while she feels terrible about the accident, she's going to limit her concern to a phone call to the hospital tomorrow morning...and an aghast Sydney accuses her of being "a horrible, unfeeling bitch" for not immediately racing across town to sit vigil at her cheating ex's bedside. Katya tells Michael he has a serious back injury that might require some vertebrae fusing, and he says he doesn't care 'bout that 'cause he's more concerned with how Kimberly is doing. Katya puts her most serious face on and tells him that Kimberly's innards are badly messed up and that she has a serious head injury. Matt is in the hospital's waiting room, updating Billy and Alison about the status of Michael and Kimberly when Sydney bursts in and yells at Matt for driving to the hospital without her. She then bellows, "Michael!!" and bursts into the staff only area to see for herself how her ex-lover is doing. When Michael notices her hovering over him, he seethes about how the accident is all her fault, that he puts 100% of the blame for his infidelity on her, then hisses, "Stay away from me." After Matt steers Sydney back to the waiting room, Michael overhears a police office tell Katya that he suspects alcohol was the cause of the accident, and is going to need the results of Michael's bloodwork. Matt brings Sydney coffee and gently advises her to throw in the towel on trying to be friends with Michael and instead work on repairing her relationship with Jane. Sydney shoots him the stink-eye, then tells him he's a sweet guy - but that he needs to butt out 'cause he has no idea about the kind of icky specialness that exists between her and Michael. At Shooters, Ellen tells Sydney that Kristian Alfonso and Patch were super pissed that she bailed on them last night, then asks how her brother-in-law is doing. Sydney says he's in pretty rough shape and might be paralyzed...then dishes about how he's not only her brother-in-law, but also her boyfriend. Kinda. She adds that [she's deluded herself into thinking] they have an understanding, and that right now they have to "play it cool" despite her sister and everyone they know being fully aware of their unholy coupling. Ellen looks impressed by the load of bullcack and applauds her for being way more slutty than she comes off, and offers to set up an evening of [prostitutey] fun with Kristian Alfonso and Patch. Michael snarks at Katya for her lack of medical experience and insists that he'll be back on his feet soon. Katya argues that there are no guarantees when it comes to a spinal injury...and when he barks back that he's sure his paralysis is temporary, she's like, "Fine, whatever" and exits the room - just as Matt drops by to deliver the neurology textbooks Michael had requested. Michael asks him how Kimberly is doing...and is despondent when Matt informs him that right now she looks a lot like roadkill and hasn't yet regained consciousness. Michael tells him he heard a cop telling Katya he wanted the results of his bloodwork and worries that the authorities are going to "pin" a DUI on him. Matt asks him if he'd been drinking, and Michael says he may have sipped a glass (or two...or five) of wine - but that since the legal limit is so low nowadays, he's sure to exceed it and face an attempted manslaughter charge. He asks Matt if he wouldn't mind logging into the hospital's computer system and altering his blood alcohol level, and Matt's all, "Uh, yes - 'cause it's nuts, illegal, and completely unethical." Michael whines that he could end up in prison for one lousy drunken joyride that may have paralyzed him and grievously injured Kimberly, and reminds Matt that he got him his fancy hospital job. When Matt just stares back at him mutely, he self-piteously says he might have known he couldn't count on him for a favor and growls, "Get out" ... and a conflicted looking Matt slinks out of the room. The next day, Jane drops by Michael's hospital room for an awkward visit. He tells her he can't feel much below the equator, requests her help in sipping from a cup of water, then asks if they can be friends. Jane's like, "Nah, I'm good" and says she's off to resume her life now...and on her way out, she slips into Kimberly's room and stares at her comatose body that's being kept alive by a ventilator. Jane steps closer and notices the giant diamond ring on her finger, then scrunches her face disapprovingly and hastily exits the room. Billy arrives at D&D to pick up Alison at the end of her workday. She rushes off to finish up something or other...and while Billy is sitting at her desk, she gets an email from Steve that Billy can't help himself from opening. It's a quick note to express how much he misses her, and that he wishes he were there with her...and Billy stares at the screen with a look of troubled muteness etched across his doltish face before hitting the delete button. Patch brings Sydney to his fabulous Hollywood house...and as soon as they get inside, he tells her to take her clothes off and get comfortable while he fetches them something to drink. Sydney just kind of chuckles at that cheeky command and murmurs, "Yeah right" and makes herself comfortable on the couch. When Patch re-enters the room and sees that she's not naked, he orders her to take her damn clothes off...then smacks his forehead and says he forgot that Kristian Alfonso's girls always insist on getting the money upfront. A bemused Sydney grins back at him - until he pulls out a big wad of cash, drops it on the table in front of her, and tells her to start with the blouse so he "can see that nice young stuff in there". Sydney finally gets a clue that the creep has somehow leaped to the conclusion that she's a hooker, shoots him a look of disgust, then gets up and makes a break for the door. An angry Patch yells, "Get back here, you little bitch!" and orders her to service him, but Sydney flies out the door and runs off in a panic. Matt sits at a computer and clandestinely accesses Michael's lab results and alters the blood alcohol level that the lab had recorded from .15 to .06. He then hits the save button before staring concernedly into space. Thanks for reading! 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Recap: Amanda scurries down the front steps of her apartment to get the day's newspaper...which, to her dismay, is soaking wet so she swaps it with Billy's/Alison's dry paper. Hee! A few seconds later, Billy and Alison emerge from their apartment and announce that they're off to work...and Alison smugly points out to Amanda that she (Alison) has arrived at D&D before her (Amanda) every day this week. Amanda refrains from telling her what she can do with her sanctimonious 'tude and rushes back upstairs, where Jake is flexing shirtless. He smooches her and suggests they enjoy a morning romp, but she declines and says she has to get ready for work, then reminds him that he too shouldn't be late for work at her dad's garage. Billy arrives at Escapade Magazine and finds an attractive woman sitting at his desk, puffing away on a cigarette. She introduces herself as Celia Morales, assumes he's her assistant, and prattles about how she was forced to take this lame staff writer job after getting laid off from a real publication: The L.A. Times. Billy informs her that he's a fellow staff writer - just as Nancy Donner wanders over to direct Celia to her workstation. Once she's out of earshot, Nancy assures Billy that despite being an egotistical pain in the ass, Celia is a very talented writer...but Billy's like 'whatever' and makes an ew face at the stinky ashtray Celia didn't think to take with her. Michael drops by Kimberly's apartment unannounced, and she tells him she has nothing to say to him and that she's moving back to Cleveland asap. Michael begs her to not to throw her career away on account of his philandering 'cause he can't handle the guilt, then promises to leave her alone and only discuss hospital stuff when necessary. Kimberly promises to consider it, then tells him he can get lost now. Over at D&D, Alison, Jo, Amanda, and Steve look over Jo's latest campaign photos, aka endless shots of Steve spooning with his computer hardware. Amanda points out that so far the focus has been too heavy on Steve's [dorkish] image and not heavy enough on substantive information, such as the technical data of the products he's trying to peddle. She snarks that MicroComp can't sell its computers on looks alone, says she's got other more important shit to do, and hastily exits the room. Steve assures Alison and Jo that he looooooves the approach of the campaign, then rushes out of the room to catch up with Amanda. Jo gushes to Alison about how interesting and bright Steve is, and thanks her for setting them up...and Alison grunts something unintelligible while staring forlornly into space. Steve tells Amanda that he disagrees with her opinions 100%, and reminds her that since this is his campaign he calls the shots. Amanda counters that in her vast five years of advertising experience, she can pretty much guarantee that if they continue with the current Steve-centric strategy, the campaign is going to fail. Steve grins stupidly and says, "Then it's all our asses, right?", and Amanda brusquely retorts, "Nope. Just Alison's" ... and as she sashays off, he stares after her with a dumb looking grin on his face. That evening at Shooters, Jo is flapping and gyrating with Steve on the dance floor...while Alison glowers in their direction, and an oblivious Billy bellyaches about having to work with a chain-smoking Celia Morales. Alison advises Billy to give Celia a chance, given that it was her first day...and a few seconds later, Jo and Steve take a break from dancing and join them at the bar. Jo lays it on thick about what a great dancer Steve is...and when he blushingly says he'd really like to jig some more, Jo complains she's tired and suggest he ask Alison, and Alison does her best not to look all too eager to oblige. Later, the foursome is shooting pool when Steve suggests they all drive up to his ranch for the weekend. They're all, "That sounds like fun!", and Jo drags Steve over to the dance floor for one last round of flappy gyrating. At Melrose Place, Jake grumbles to Amanda that he has to work all weekend 'cause he's fallen behind on fixing up all the cars that keep streaming in, and Amanda's like, "That's nice" as she smooches him and expresses an urgent need to ride his baloney pony. She strips naked on her way to the bedroom and barks at him to hit the lights...and as he obediently turns off the lamp, he glances out the window and happens to spot Jo and Steve enjoying a goodnight smoochfest at her front door. Downstairs, Alison is also peeping through her window at the lip-locked spectacle, her face scrunched disapprovingly. The next morning, Billy and Alison arrive at the McMillan ranch and are greeted by Steve, who tells them that Jo is over at the stables, checking out which horse she wants to ride. As Billy grabs the overnight bags out of the car, Steve ushers Alison into the house and asks her whassup with Amanda's constant haughty 'tude, so Alison tells him that there's a perpetual awkwardness between them 'cause she used to be Billy's girlfriend. Steve's like, "Ouch" and promises to protect her while assigned to his campaign...and Billy overhears that last thing, but bursts into the guest bedroom as if he hadn't been eavesdropping. When Steve suggests they all go riding together, Alison chirps, "I'm in!" then tells Billy he should decline 'cause of his general ineptitude atop a horse. Steve and Alison gallop around the vast ranch, half-heartedly looking for wherever Jo might have gone. Alison marvels at the beauty of the ranch and tells Steve she certainly hopes he appreciates what he has, and he says he does, but would loooooove to have someone special to share it all with. As he stares at her wistfully, she nervously chuckles and says he can have any woman he wants, and he replies, "Not anyone" which prompts her to gaze back at him contemplatively. The two suddenly spot Billy headed towards them, jerking and flailing uncontrollably atop a prickly horse that seems desperate to get him the fuck off its back. A few seconds later, the horse starts bucking and whinnying, sending Billy airborne before he hits the ground with a thud. As Alison rushes over to make sure he's OK, he gets back atop the horse and shouts, "Race you back!" as the horse speeds back to the stables. Papa Woodward drops Jake off at Amanda's apartment after a celebratory evening filled with boozing. Jake gushes to Amanda about what a great guy her pop is, and she's like, "Yeah whatever, let's have sex now" and mounts him - but he says he'd much prefer to pepper her with questions about her childhood...which seems a tad implausible given her genitals' proximity to his genitals, but OK. As Amanda forges ahead with her amorous foreplay, Jake asks if anyone ever called her Mandy in college, and she suddenly gets prickly and storms off to the bedroom and slams the door. While in mid-smooch, Jo tells Steve she feels as if they're rushing their chemistry-free hook-up, then says she's not completely over her last squeeze: Jake. Steve kind of perks up at that tidbit and says that he too is trying to get over someone, then says it's never a good idea to get too involved with a person if the only purpose is getting over unresolved feelings for the person they'd much prefer to be hanging with. Jo's like, "Er, OK. I think we should sleep in separate bedrooms tonight", and he's like, "Can do!" and happily scampers off. LOL. Alison accuses Billy of riding a horse he alarmingly had no clue how to control for the purpose of spying on her and Steve, then reminds him that Steve and Jo are in love. Billy makes a 'yeah right' face and says any fool can see that Jo and Steve are trying waaaaaay too hard to make something work that doesn't...and that it's possible for a person to be attracted to someone without anything sexual coming of it. Alison refuses to concede anything about her feelings for Steve and heads for the door...and promptly runs into Steve, who's staring up at the night sky. The two point out that neither is enjoying this lovely evening with their significant other...and when Steve leans in for a kiss, Alison pulls away and moans, "I can't", then scuttles back inside, leaving a bummed Steve staring despondently into space. The next morning, Billy tells Steve that he and Alison are heading back to L.A. ... and when Steve assures him that nothing is going on between himself and Alison except the Compworld campaign, Billy's like, "Well duh" and pretends as though he never thought otherwise. He heads back inside to get the remainder of the bags - just as Alison emerges and covertly tells Steve that despite having everything in life she's ever wanted, she can't seem to squelch her feelings for him. He smiles happily...and when Bill reappears, he and Alison climb into the car and drive off. Michael and Kimberly are in the x-ray room at the hospital, studying the brain scan of a twelve year old boy who, it turns out, doesn't have a deadly tumor after all. A happy Michael says, "This is one of those good days", and Kimberly dials back the joy by wryly muttering, "So far" and ambling off. Steve drops Jo off at her apartment, and she tells him she had a great time at the ranch and suggests they slow things down with their dull-as-fuck romance. Steve makes a face and says they tried, quickly determined that there's zero chemistry between them, and makes clear he isn't willing to accept second best and doubts she is either. Jo's like, "Well, actually.." and Steve's like, "See you around!" and rushes off like he can't get away fast enough...and Jo stares after him looking miffed and insulted. Alison and Billy get a flat tire on their way back to L.A. and then bicker about each other being attracted to Steve and Celia. Billy chides Alison for not being willing to admit that she has the hots for Steve, and suggests handing her over to the wealthy magnate...and as Alison mulls over the appeal of that upgrade, Billy accidentally loses his grip on the spare tire, which tumbles over a ravine. The two suddenly chuckle about their tire-less predicament and share a kissy canoodle. That evening, Alison joins Jo, who's moping by the Melrose Place pool, lamenting the abrupt manner in which Steve gave her the heave-ho. She says she was somehow under the illusion that they were good together, but now realizes that he was looking for an easy out on account of being in love with someone else. Alison gets a spacey, hopeful look on her face and says that right now she can't think of a single pearl of wisdom to impart to her. While canoodling in bed, Jake again presses Amanda to talk about herself, then asks why being asked about the nickname Mandy is so upsetting to her. Amanda sighs and tells him that that's what her mother used to call her, and that the day she deserted her family she'd left behind a note that read 'I'm going away for awhile. I love you, Mandy. I'll always love you.' She says she never saw her mother again, then tells Jake that since she's sufficiently soured the mood he should probably head downstairs to his place now - but he cuddles her more intensely and retorts, "No chance." Celia notices the framed glam shot of Alison on Billy's desk and remarks on how cute and wholesome she looks, and that word around the office is that they're the perfect couple. She then cheekily decides that 'the last perfect couple' will be the topic of her next article, and Billy tells her to shut it 'cause she's getting on his nerves. After another D&D brainstorming session about the MicroComp account, Amanda remarks to Jo that she sensed some tension between her and Steve and asks if they broke up. Jo just kind of shrugs and says that their romance never really got off the ground, and Amanda says it makes sense, given that he's so clearly into Alison. Jo tells her she's crazy and reminds her that Alison is in love with Billy, then needlessly snarks about her and Jake hooking up. Amanda says that her advanced fling with Jake has become the most intense relationship of her life, then tells Jo she's blind if she can't see that Alison only set her up with Steve so that Billy wouldn't get jealous. Jo's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and makes a beeline over to the studio, where Alison is setting up for the next photoshoot, and comes right out and demands to know why she didn't mention Steve's attraction to her before she set the two of them up. Alison stares over at her in pretend stunned cluelessness and says she has no earthly idea what she's talking about. Jo angrily describes Steve as Alison's dream guy - rich and good looking - but warns that she'd better start being truthful, otherwise Billy is going to be very pissed at being the cuckold. Over at the garage, Jake tells Papa Woodward about all the orders they've getting from Tokyo, and that he received a package without an addressee that detailed a very impressive profit margin from car sales. Papa Woodward chuckles condescendingly and asks where a numb-nut like him learned about profit margins, and Jake reminds him that he used to run his own bike shop [before Amanda unwittingly torched it]. Papa Woodward breezily explains that his cars are in demand 'cause they're so awesome, then tells Jake to focus more on his mechanic skills and less on the business part of the garage. Meow. Billy tells Alison he's off to have drinks with his co-workers...and a few seconds after he leaves, Alison gets a call from Steve telling her he's swinging by to pick her up so they can pretend to discuss his advertising campaign some more. Steve pulls up in front of the Melrose Place complex just as Jo returns home on her motorcycle. She grins and says, "This is a surprise!" - then frowns when she realizes that he's here to pick up Alison. She snarkishly asks him if Alison is the woman he's pining for...and when he ignores her by mutely watching Alison walking towards them, she mutters, "I thought so." Jo runs into Jake, who's just finished swimming laps in the pool and asks her how things are going with Steve. Jo growls, "What don't you ask Amanda?" and asks him what he sees in that skank besides the sex and hot body. Jake somehow refrains from pointing out that at least Amanda's not a bitter shithead every minute of the day and insists she's a good person who's misunderstood by many - but Jo just lets out a caustic guffaw and says nothing could convince her that Amanda is anything other than a snake. Jake heads upstairs to Amanda's apartment, unaware that Amanda has eavesdropped on that entire conversation, and dishes about how Jo is very very angry, and is blaming her for her breakup with Steve. Amanda breezily chalks it up to Jo just lashing out, and that she deserves better than to be dating a gnome like Steve McMillan anyway. Jake says he's impressed by her serene attitude towards someone who's so relentlessly mean and bitchy towards her...and that to reward her he's up for some sexy time asap. Amanda's all, "Yippee!" and eagerly obliges, and the two start getting it on atop the couch. Billy returns from his outing and looks bemused by the empty apartment...at the same time Alison and Steve are strolling on the beach. Alison tells Steve that when they first met everything was all business - but now it's rarely that 'cause of what a distraction she's become to him. Steve admits that he wasn't being fair to Jo when he asked her out, then explains that he hoped she'd help him getting over his feelings for her. Alison says she keeps hoping that her feelings for him will go away, 'cause sneaking around behind her friend's and boyfriend's back isn't her style...and he leans in for a smooch - but this time she puckers up and lets him kiss her. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: The camera pans across Jane's living room, where Jane's and Robert's clothes are sexily strewn about while they go at it atop the couch. Robert asks if he can stay the night, and she tells him she's up for that...and leaps onto him and wraps her legs around him so he's forced to physically transport her to the bedroom. A few seconds later, Sydney knocks on the door and begs Jane to pleeeeeeease answer, so Jane pauses her foreplay action with Robert to tell Sydney it's a bad time and that [if it's absolutely necessary] they can talk in the morning. She then slams the door in her sister's face so that she and Robert can continue enjoying their sexy time. Over at the beach house, Michael and Kimberly are going at it in bed when Sydney calls to giddily report to Michael that she just got a waitressing job at Shooters. She suggests he stop by during her lunch shift tomorrow , after which they could head over to her place for another romp. Michael grunts one word answers in response for Kimberly's benefit - but when he hangs up, an irate Kimberly tells him it's weird that Sydney calls him, and that he needs to end "this little friendship". Matt is at an art exhibition when an attractive gay man approaches him to discuss the painting he's been gazing at. He introduces himself as Joel Walker, owner of the gallery, and says he's seen him at the gym. Mmm hmm.. Katya [fuuuuuuuck] appears out of nowhere to cock-blockingly gush about the art on display, then introduces herself to Joel as Matt's wife...and a confused Joel's all, "Er, OK..?" before ambling off. Matt chides Katya for scaring off a promising romantic prospect, and Katya smirkingly apologizes and says she had no way of knowing that Joel was trying to pick him up. The two bicker back and forth, blah blah, before Katya points out that he can always return to the gallery tomorrow and explain the wife-beard situation to Joel. Jo is gabbling excitedly at Alison and Billy about her date with "perfect" Steve, during which they sat and talked for hours and hours. Alison grits her teeth as she says it looks like this budding romance is "really turning into something", then contorts her face into an expression of irate jealousy. Sydney drops by Jane's apartment to inform her that she's now employed at Shooters. Robert emerges from the bedroom and gushes about how great that is and invites her to join him, Jane, and his parents for dinner this weekend. Sydney glances over at Jane, who somehow refrains from shrieking, "Noooooooooo!!", and wisely says she can't make it 'cause she's scheduled to work. Matt stops in at the gallery to confirm to Joel that he's gay, eager to mingle, and faux married to a woman who's avoiding deportation to Russia. Joel beams and invites him to the theater on Saturday night, and Matt happily accepts. Katya tells Matt she got a call from an INS agent who plans to conduct a home visit on Sunday...and Matt's all, "Wha-a-a?" and reluctantly agrees that she and Nikki will have to move into his apartment to pretend they've been living together as a happy heterosexual couple since their sham wedding. Michael is drinking a beer on the deck of his beach house when Sydney flounces over. Michael's all, "Ugh" and tells her that their icky hookup is over, but an unfazed Sydney says she somehow knows that Kimberly is working an all-night shift at the hospital and asks him if he's in love with her. He shrugs and replies, "We're together" as Sydney strips off her dress and eagerly says she's willing to do anything he wants. Michael perks up at the sight of her bared naughties...and in the next scene, the two are going at it in his bed. Sydney breathily declares, "I love you" and asks if he loves her, and he grunts in the affirmative - just as Kimberly - ack! - arrives home from work earlier than expected. When she hears giggly sex noises coming from the bedroom, she braces herself before flinging the door open and getting an eyeful of a naked Sydney mounted atop Michael. Sydney openly grins as Kimberly snaps, "Michael!" before whirling around to flee the room, and he's all, "OMG!" and springs out of the bed to run after her. She slaps him hard across the face, shrieks, "You bastard!", and storms out the door. Kimberly stops by Jane's apartment to tattle on Michael for doinking Sydney in their bed, then declares that she and Michael are Splitsville. Jane says she couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses about the status of their relationship, and also expresses skepticism that Sydney would actually jump into bed with her ex-brother-in-law. Kimberly assures her it's the grisly truth, given what a sick fuck Michael has turned out to be, then says that she (Kimberly) did her (Jane) a HUGE favor by wrecking their marriage in Season 1. No argument there. Jane storms over to Shooters, where a frazzled Sydney is serving the lunch crowd. Jane pulls her aside and asks her if it's true that she hit the sheets with Michael, and Sydney responds by staring back at her mutely. Jane's like, "OMG" as Sydney fibs about Michael not leaving her alone and says that when she told him about her new waitressing job, he practically raped her. Jane asks if that's actually what happened, and Sydney back pedals and cries, "I dunno!" and whines that no one else was paying any attention to her when she simply "wanted to be wanted". Jane snarls, "You little bitch", disowns her as her sister, and stalks off. Moving day! Katya and Nikki move their things into Matt's apartment...and when Amanda wanders over to ask Matt whassup, he explains that an INS agent will be conducting a home visit to verify that he and Katya live together, then asks if she'd mind vouching for them. Amanda's like, "I would, actually" and says she'd rather not supply false information to a government agent - which really isn't an unreasonable response - and a miffed Matt decides it's probably better if she steers clear of the INS agent. Katya, meanwhile, unpacks her things and tells Matt they should go over the finer details of their faux courtship so that they can keep their stories straight while being questioned. Michael races after Kimberly in the halls of the hospital to offer a lame explanation of why he hit the sheets with Sydney, but Kimberly snarls at him not to touch her, and declares them through. Michael whines that Sydney was the one who came onto him and that he now feels disgusting, and Kimberly snappishly tells him he should 'cause of what a wretched pig he is...then orders him to be the hell out of her beach house by the time she gets off work. Joel arrives at Matt's apartment to pick him up for their theater date, and Matt introduces him to Katya and Nikki, who's now sick with a fever. Joel tells Matt he's surprised to see that his wife-beard actually lives with him, but Matt breezily tells him it's a temporary, INS-related arrangement. Jane stops by Amanda's apartment to demand that she evict Sydney after the skank did an awful thing she's not willing to elaborate on. Amanda says she can't evict someone who's been paying rent and has a co-signer for the lease...and Jane correctly assumes that Michael is the co-signer and storms out. During intermission at the theater, Matt is on the pay phone with Katya, checking up on Nikki and telling her where he keeps his aspirin. Joel ambles over once Matt hangs up, says it's pretty clear he's too distracted to enjoy the show, and offers to take him home. Matt agrees that that's probably best. Kimberly arrives home and finds Michael eating dinner while watching TV. She stares at him incredulously and reminds him that he was supposed to pack up his shit and get the hell out of her house, but Michael says he decided 'fuck that' and accuses her of blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Kimberly shuts off the TV and yells, "Get out!" - but he says he's tired of his scorned women kicking him out of their home and is refusing to leave. Kimberly's like, "Fine!", throws a few of her things into a bag, says she'll pick up the rest of her stuff later, and storms out. Jane tells Robert that Michael and Kimberly have split 'cause she caught him doinking Sydney...and as he processes that disturbing visual, Jane sobs in his arms and calls the entire situation sick. That it is, Jane. That it is. Kimberly enters the hospital's staff lounge and finds it filled with flower bouquets, along with a 'please forgive me, I love you' note from Michael. As she stares contemplatively at the flowers, Michael appears behind her and tells her he cleaned out four florists in order to create this floral spectacle, and she snarls, "Something stinks in here, and it isn't the flowers" before crumpling up his note and throwing it onto the floor. The INS agent is conducting an awkward home visit with Matt and Katya. The two manage to stick to their story about meeting in the hospital's cafeteria line and falling in love in time for him to marry her days before her scheduled return to Russia. When Nikki unexpectedly ambles into the room, the agent asks her if she misses Russia, and she tells him she misses her grandmother and likes her house better than Matt's shitty little apartment. He asks her if she likes Matt...and when she says she likes him a lot, the agent shoots Katya the stink-eye and snaps, "Did you mom tell you to say that?" Matt and Katya exchange worried glances that the jig might be up, but the agent drops the issue and abruptly announces that he needs to get going. Jane and Robert are having dinner with Robert's parents when Michael suddenly pounds on the apartment door, demanding to talk to his ex-wife. When Robert opens the door, Michael shoves his way inside, glares at Jane, and snarls, "Please keep your slut sister out of my life!" Robert responds by grabbing and physically throwing him out of the apartment while his poor parents look on in horror. Matt drops by the gallery to apologize to Joel for bailing out early the other night and to assure him he's very very interested in developing a budding romance. Joel tells Matt he's worried his life is too complicated right now, but Matt insists it really isn't and explains that Katya only became his wife-beard so she can legally stay in the U.S. Later, Robert tell Jane that his father admonished him for getting himself tangled up with a divorced woman and her deranged ex, but that his reaction was, "To hell with you!" before explaining to his well-meaning pops he truly believes he found someone special. He then suggests to Jane they serve Michael with a restraining order, and Jane says she definitely likes the sound of that idea. Katya tells Matt she heard back from the INS agent and is happy to report that he somehow believes that their marriage is on the up and up. Matt sourly replies, "That's nice. But I doubt Joel will want to date me anymore", and Katya scrunches her face concernedly and points out that from now on he has two people in his life - Nikki and herself - who will always love and care for him...and a still-sour Matt's all, "Yeah? Big whoop." At D&D, Alison and Amanda are discussing various campaign ideas with Steve that include Jo's photography. Steve says that while he loves the photos and likes Jo, "she's no Alison, but what can you do?" Jo arrives a few seconds later to go to lunch with Steve...and once the two are out of earshot, Amanda tells Alison it's obvious to anyone with eyes that Steve has a hopeless crush on her, and that she doesn't seem to mind. Alison just shakes her head unconvincingly and half-heartedly denies that that's true. Michael is paged to the hospital's reception area and finds Sydney waiting for him. She points out that since his relationship with Kimberly has fallen apart they no longer have to hide their unholy coupling, then coos, "I want to beeeeee there for you!" Michael stares back at her incredulously and tells her she was nothing more than a slutty diversion to him, and that after several romps, he really just wishes she'd get lost. Sydney contorts her face into a hurt expression and moans, "I love you", and he coldly replies, "That's your problem, isn't it?" and stalks off. Ouch. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Billy is nattering at Alison about a weekend trip to Santa Barbara they had planned to take, but she puts the kibosh on that and says she has to work all weekend to keep her high profile client happy. A vexed Billy's like, "Ooooh no. Not again!" and points out that she's entitled to a life outside of D&D. He poutishly says he thought they might celebrate his recent magazine article getting a three page color spread, and Alison exclaims about how wonderful that is, but that she still has to work all weekend. She then heads for the door and says she doubts she'll be home for dinner, but hopefully will be able to celebrate with him tomorrow night. Papa Woodward is showing Amanda the vintage car he just bought - a '65 Avanti - when Jake happens to ambles by. Amanda introduces him to her dad, and then Jake announces he's off to a job interview. Over at D&D, Alison, Amanda, and Steve McMillan are brainstorming various advertising ideas. Alison suggests using Steve to give "a human face" to his computers - but Amanda rejects the idea out of hand and snappishly says they need to move onto some fresher thinking. Steve argues that he actually looooves Alison's ideas and would like to explore them further, and a befuddled Amanda's like, "Whatevs. You two work it out. I've got other shit to do" and beats a hasty retreat. Steve contorts his face in a bewildered fuuuuuuuuuck expression and remarks on how competitive Amanda seems, and Alison quietly dishes, "You don't know the half of it." Steve grins and proposes she tell him all about it over dinner, and she non-commitally mutters, "Uh...yeah.." At the hospital, Kimberly tells Michael she can't eat another meal in the hospital cafeteria and would like to go out for lunch later, but he declines and says that during lunch he has to rush over to Melrose Place to pick up some important papers he left behind. When she glares at him disapprovingly, he reminds her that he's doing this to cut off all old connections from the past, and promises to make it up to her tonight. Michael arrives at Melrose Place and tiptoes up to Sydney's apartment. He gives her a smooch, then starts getting undressed...and Sydney giddily explains that her place is such a mess 'cause she hasn't yet had a chance to unpack all of her boxes, then incomprehensibly starts babbling about Puddles, aka the stuffed dog she's had since childhood and dragged along with her every time she's moved. A naked Michael's like, "I couldn't give the tiniest rat's ass about your stuffed toys" and gives her a tonguey smooch...and when she asks him if he remembered to bring along some protection so they can enjoy responsible icky sex, he mutters, "Uh huh" before the two start going at it. Robert tells Jane he really really wants her to meet his friends, then informs her that one couple he hangs with has suggested going sailing this weekend and making the trip a foursome. Jane says she's not quite sure they're ready to spend an entire weekend together...but when he argues that she's in desperate need of some fun, she quickly thinks it over and is all 'ah, what the hell?' Jake tells Amanda that he sailed through his job interview, was offered the job, and promptly accepted it. He admits that it pays crap, but that he took it 'cause he's just grateful to be employed so he can finally repay Jo the 15K he owes her. Amanda scrunches her face disapprovingly and says her dad is starting up a business in a swanky new garage and can pay him top dollar as head mechanic...and Jake says he's not sure that that's such a great idea, but agrees to at least call Papa Woodward. He then changes the subject and asks whassup with their budding romance, and she tells him she likes to take things slow...and he pretends he likes doing that too, then deflatedly heads back down to his place. Once he's fully out of earshot, Amanda calls her father and tells him she'd like to discuss a business proposition. Jane is all packed for the sailing trip - but when Robert arrives to pick her up, she tells him she just can't bring herself to go away with him. An irked Robert says he wishes she'd told him prior to now, and she irritably suggests they "cool it" with their relationship 'cause she could really use a break. Ouch. Jane laments to Alison about going off the deep end when she cancelled her plans to go sailing with Robert et. al. ... and explains that one minute she wants to be close to a guy, the next she prefers to live like a hermit. Alison assures her it's perfectly normal for her emotions to be out of whack so soon after a divorce, then suggests she go out with a fresh new guy who's not connected to her messy split from Michael. She adds that she has the perfect candidate - Russell, a hopelessly dorkish new account executive at D&D - and offers to set her up...and Jane mulls that over and decides 'what could possibly go wrong with that?' Papa Woodward shows Jake the space he just leased for his new garage and says he needs a head mechanic who can supervise other mechanics and handle deliveries, etc. Jake says he's pretty sure he can manage that, so then Papa Woodward changes the subject and asks Jake if he's dating Amanda. Jake evasively says they're merely friends and that he thinks Amanda is great, and Papa Woodward sternly says she's the best thing in his life and that her happiness is the most important thing to him. He offers Jake a 15K advance atop a generous salary as his new head mechanic, and Jake reacts by getting all prickly-bitchy before growling, "I'm not looking for charity!" and storming off in a huff. At D&D, Steve McMillan looks over a bunch of test photographs and tells Alison he likes Jo's work the best, then schmaltzily compliments Alison's pretty smile and says he'd looooove for them to get together outside of work. Alison declines and reminds him that she has a boyfriend, and Steve sheepishly admits to being pretty clumsy around women, then suggests calling up Jo to arrange a test shoot. Sydney drops by Jane's apartment and offers to help with her design sketching, but an irritated Jane's like, "Get lost, I don't have time to be your babysitter." Sydney angrily snaps back that she isn't a kid, needlessly shares that she's currently seeing a hot guy who knows what she needs, and storms back up to her apartment. Alison returns home late that evening and tells an irked Billy she got so consumed with her D&D work that she totally forgot about their plans to go out to dinner. Billy rolls his eyes and says he no longer wants to hear about anything D&D-related 'cause he's starting to suspect that she's attracted to Steve McMillan...then says she's going to have to put more quality time and effort into their relationship. Alison says it's ridiculous to suggest that she likes Steve and reminds Billy that he's merely her client, then wearily says she's much too tired to argue about this anymore. Amanda drops by Jake's apartment to snarl about how ungrateful, insecure, and stubborn he is for turning down her father's job offer - and Jake denies her scathing critique of him and calls her out on enjoying intimidating people. Amanda's all, "Oh yeah? Well you're a moody rebel" ... and he responds by pulling her towards him, and smooching her all Neanderthal-like before ripping her blouse open in the heat of passion. Amanda counters by ripping off his t-shirt...and then Jake picks her up and slings her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes before depositing her atop the couch and mounting her. The following morning, during a post-coitus canoodle, Jake asks Amanda what it means now that they've slept together. She's like, "I dunno" and says she has no interest in getting too seriously too quickly, and he's like, "Yeah, me neither" and tells her he's up for reconsidering her father's job offer. Over at the hospital, Kimberly remarks to Michael how happy he seems [now that he's doinking Sydney on the side], and Michael decides 'why not call Sydney from the doctors' lounge with Kimberly sitting here listening?' and pretends he's making another lunchtime appointment to deal with his important papers. Photo shoot! Alison dishes to Jo what Steve is like beneath his computer-nerd exterior and admits that she finds him attractive - but is super committed to her relationship with Billy. As Jo starts photographing Steve, it becomes obvious that he's far too self-conscious with Alison watching, so Jo orders her to step out and then barks at Steve to loosen up. Michael and Sydney get dressed post-doink - ew - and when Michael glances out the front window, he spots Jane swimming laps in the courtyard pool. He asks Sydney if she's still dating her lawyer, then mutters how much it pisses him off to see his ex-wife happy. Jake returns to Papa Woodward's garage to sheepishly apologize for acting like such a rude dickwad the other day, and agrees to take the job and accept the 15K cash advance. Jane is out with Russell, the account executive who Alison set her up with...and yeesh, he is one unappealing turd. He stupidly tells Jane he's been "kissing up" to Alison lately 'cause she has a fancy new client and is Amanda's "right hand girl" ... then asks Jane if Alison's "white bread, farm girl thing" is an act. Jane tells him that while Alison clearly sucks ass at match-making, she's genuinely a very nice person - just as Robert happens to enter the restaurant. When he glances around and spots her looking distressed, she mouths 'help me'. Robert chuckles to himself, then wanders over and fake admonishes Jane for going out on the town and leaving her mom to raise her large brood of kids for her. Russell gasps in horror at the mention of children and beats a hasty retreat, and Jane giggles amusedly and asks Robert if he wouldn't mind taking her home. Jake drops by Jo's apartment to give her the 15K he owes. She tells him she doesn't want it and would prefer that he use the money to invest in another bike shop - but he insists he doesn't want to be in debt any longer, then forcibly hands it to her and bellows, "I don't want your money!" before fleeing. Jane tells Robert she's definitely not ready for the blind dating scene, and he says he decided to not go sailing without her. She thanks him for his lack of jealousy when he "caught her" on a date with Russell, then invites him to dinner and a movie tomorrow night. He eagerly accepts and leans in for a goodbye smooch. Michael finds Kimberly sleeping in the on call room at the hospital. He stares at her for several seconds and mutters, "I'm sorry" ... and when she wakes up and is all, "Wuh?", he pretends that what he's sorry for is getting all caught up with his divorce stuff lately, and says he hopes that his anger towards Jane hasn't harmed their relationship. Kimberly assures him it hasn't, and the two exchange I love yous. Jake and Amanda return to Melrose Place after going out for a hearty breakfast - and the two run into Jo, who glares at them and snarls, "Now I get it" and accuses Jake of wanting to wipe the slate clean and start fresh with a new woman. Well duh. As Jake tries to half-heartedly deny any slate cleaning, Jo bitchily informs Amanda that Jake is awesome in bed, but has limited conversation skills...and Amanda refrains from looking fake shocked [at that tidbit that anyone who's known Jake for at least ten minutes could have safely assumed] before Jake snaps, "Are you done?" Jo says she's completely done with him, then storms up to her apartment to privately stew. A few seconds later, Steve McMillan calls to ask her out, and she starts laughing like a hyena before explaining that she's not laughing at him - but rather at the way her life is turning out, and that she'd loooooove to go out with him. Alison tells Billy she'd like to make up for all the long nights at the office by spending the day together in Malibu - just as Jo calls to excitedly report that Steve McMillan asked her out. Alison exclaims, "That's terrific!" ... but when Billy remarks on what a cute couple he thinks Jo and Steve will make, Alison stares into space looking visibly miffed. Michael meets up with Sydney at Shooters to tell her that while it's been great doinking her for a short time, he needs to break it off so he can focus exclusively on his hookup with Kimberly. He makes it clear that he doesn't anyone to know about their icky affair, and also doesn't want her dropping by the beach house anymore. He flatly states, "It's over", to which Sydney retorts, "No way!", insists that they belong together, then gets up and vows to make his life very uncomfortable if he tries to cut her loose. She then flounces out of the bar, leaving Michael staring after her concernedly. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Jane and Robert are parked in front of the Melrose Place complex, smooching and cooing at each other about how amaaaaazing last night's doinkfest was. Jane says she has to get changed for work...and Robert promises to call her later, then admires her backside as she climbs out of his car and sashays into the courtyard. Jane hears loud music coming from her apartment and rolls her eyes in annoyance as she storms inside, shuts off the stereo, and orders Sydney to pack up her shit and get the hell out. Sydney's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says she can't possibly be this angry about her going to Michael's party after pretending she was starting a new hostessing job, and Jane's like, "I can, actually" and says she no longer has the time or energy to deal with her stupid head games. Over at D&D, Amanda summons Alison to her office and briefs her on MicroComp, a computer hardware company that's run by an eccentric rancher named Steve McMillan. She tells Alison that her assignment is to drive out to his ranch and pitch D&D as MicroComp's ad agency of choice - and to not be too disappointed if the effort fails, 'cause Steve McMillan has a reputation of being "a meeting whore" who's turned down every major agency. Matt arrives at Katya's apartment, where Katya and Nikki are glumly packing for their return tip to Russia. Matt tells Katya he's been thinking about his refusal to leap into a green card marriage with her, decided it was selfish, and will marry her now if she's still interested. Katya lights up, exclaims, "Yes!", and rushes towards him for a grateful hug. Michael laughs out loud when Matt, for some reason, confides in him about his plan to marry Katya. He goes on to share that the ceremony will take place tomorrow, and that they're having a reception to which the entire Melrose Place crew (including him) is invited - but Michael declines and says that he and Kimberly will be in San Francisco attending a medical seminar. Michael then runs into Kimberly, who informs him that he's been dis-invited from the San Francisco seminar 'cause he has a lot of hours he needs to make up, and a miffed Michael's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and gets even more miffed when Kimberly says that she's A-OK going to San Francisco without him. Late that night, Billy is keeping Alison company at D&D as she works on her presentation and moans about the hopelessness of convincing an eccentric CEO like Steve McMillan to sign with D&D. Billy tells her not to stress out and try to develop more of an easygoing attitude about the pitch, like he did when he didn't do any prep for his SATs yet scored amazingly high. Given Billy's general boneheadedness, I find that impossible to believe...but whatever, writers. Amanda finds Jake doing laps in the Melrose Place pool and flirtily remarks on how inviting the water looks, then compliments his "smooth stroke". Mmm hmm.. When Jake barely grunts in response, she asks him if he's still angry about the face slap she gave him during the previous episode, but he assures her he couldn't care less 'bout that and explains that he simply has no desire to flirt back with someone who's into cat and mouse games. He then climbs out of the pool, brusquely bids her good night, and disappears inside his apartment. The next morning, Jane emerges from her apartment just as Amanda is handing Sydney the keys to a vacant second floor apartment across the courtyard. When an alarmed looking Jane asks whassup, Sydney waves her keys in the air and gleefully declares, "I'm moving in!" LOL. Jane warns Amanda that Sydney has no money or job - but Amanda seems oddly unconcerned about the possibility of not being able to collect rent from her newest unemployed tenant and says she doesn't discriminate based on sibling rivalry. While en route to the McMillan ranch, Alison nearly plows into a man who's horseback riding...and she profusely apologizes and asks if he could give her directions. He points her in the direction of the ranch's main house...and when she informs a ranch hand that she's here to meet with Steve McMillan, he motions over at the horse-riding man she just nearly ran over. Steve graciously introduces himself and suggests they conduct their meeting on his swanky outdoor patio. Alison makes her pitch, awkwardly nattering about computer stuff which she clearly knows nothing about. When she hands him a sample ad, he says that while her proposal isn't the worst thing he's ever had to listen to, it's not at all what he's looking for. He then shrugs and says, "Sorry you had to make the trip" and that he'll have someone bring her car around. As she drives down the winding path towards the main road, beating herself up about delivering such a lame pitch, her brakes suddenly fail and she crashes into a fence. She climbs out of the car unharmed and wails about the damage to the front end, then grabs her purse and hikes up to the ranch house. Matt, Katya, and Nikki arrive at the L.A. County Courthouse to undergo the blandest wedding ceremony in primetime TV history. During a moment alone, Nikki asks Matt if he loves her mom despite never kissing her, and he says he does, and that he agreed to this charisma-free charade mostly 'cause he wants the two of them to have the chance to live a good life in America. A few seconds later, the three are called into an office, where the officiator looks over the marriage license, asks Matt and Katya if they take this woman/man to serve as one another's temporary wife-beard/ticket to citizenship, and each says, "I do." The two exchange rings, are declared husband and wife, and stiffly hug. That evening, Alison and Steve McMillan sit on the patio and enjoy the star-filled evening. Alison blushingly says she's soooo embarrassed by her presentation and knows how badly she blew it, and Steve's like, "Well duh", but adds that she's not the first. She admits knowing zilch about computers, and he chuckles and says that that much was painfully obvious...but then explains that he's really not trying to be a dick about selecting an advertising campaign - he just doesn't quite know what he's looking for. Alison unwittingly resolves the issue when she remarks on how she generally lets her computer do her thinking for her: turn on, save, print. As far as she's concerned, the rest of the operating system is a mystery. Wedding reception! Jane arrives with Robert and introduces him to the Melrose Place gang - except for Sydney, who's forced to introduce herself. Matt and Katya burst in a few seconds later...and after Katya proudly flashes her wedding ring at everyone and giddily announces that they're officially husband and wife, her Russian friend appears and urges everyone to do shots and start line dancing. Amanda gets visibly drunk and openly flirts with Jake at the table, which prompts a bitter Jo to scrunch her face in an even more sour expression than her usual sour expression. Michael arrives carrying a gift, notices Jane and Robert hanging together, and mockingly accuses Robert of being "that distinguished counsellor who took me for all my money". He then turns his ire on Jane and marvels at the way she's paying off her legal fees: in the sack. An enraged Jane reacts by punching him in the face...and when he lunges in her direction, the Melrose Place gang springs into action and drags him away from her. Sydney pulls Michael aside and asks why in blazes he'd come to this reception...and he poutishly says that Matt invited him, and that since his San Francisco plans fell through he figured 'why not make a surprise appearance at Matt's wedding reception and accuse my ex-wife of prostituting herself with her divorce lawyer?' Sydney offers to lend a sympathetic ear if he needs someone to talk to, but he snarks, "I got enough problems" and dejectedly shuffles out of the restaurant. Sydney stares after him longingly and softly coos, "Good night, Michael." Jake escorts an inebriated Amanda home as she rambles nonsensically about how Matt and Katya are the perfect couple, then remembers that Matt's gay and realizes 'er, not'. When they enter her apartment, she turns on some music and sexily sways...and Jake gives her a from-behind canoodle, picks her up and carries her over to the couch, then abruptly bids her goodnight. A miffed Amanda calls him a tease, so he explains that her decision making abilities are currently impaired, and that he'll call her when they're not. Sydney drops by the beach house to check on Michael, who's still humiliated about getting that well-deserved punch in the face. Sydney informs him that Jane threw her out of her apartment, but that it's not a problem 'cause she got her own apartment across the courtyard...the only wrinkle being that Amanda wants her to get someone to co-sign for the rent. Michael asks if Jane is angry about her having an apartment in the same complex...and Sydney grins, confirms that her sister is indeed livid about it, and hands him the paperwork. He happily signs on as co-signer as Sydney disappears into his bedroom...and when he ambles over to see whassup, she unbuttons her top as he lustily stares at her. He then leans in for a smooch before steering her towards the bed and mounting her. Alison returns home the following morning, climbs into bed with Billy, and tells him that Steve McMillan's ranch hands were able to fix her damaged car. She says she's exhausted 'cause she stayed awake all night worrying about how badly she screwed the pooch on her presentation, which Billy rightly points out shouldn't trouble her so much 'cause at best it was a long shot. Michael's alarm goes off, and he looks outside his window and spots Sydney happily prancing on the beach. When he goes outside to get a better look, she barrels toward him and kisses him while cackling about how utterly delighted she is that they've finally bumped uglies. Michael agrees that last night's romp was fantastic - but also a one night stand...and now that it's over, she should probably be on her way now. She begs for permission to stay for one day given that Kimberly is in San Francisco, and he mulls that over and decides 'sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?' At D&D, Alison is summoned to Amanda's office and is stunned to see Steve McMillan in the room. Amanda announces that MicroComp is coming aboard, and Steve explains to Alison that after their conversation last night he got to thinking that when it comes to marketing his computers, simplicity is the answer. He tells Amanda he'd like for Alison to be his liaison, and she assures him she's A-OK with that, and Steve and Alison make arrangements to start brainstorming that afternoon. Once he's out of hearing range, Amanda nods approvingly at Alison and gushes, "You did it!" and smilingly adds, "You've officially arrived." Hurray! Jake is fixing his motorcycle in front of Melrose Place when Amanda returns home from work and wanders over to ask him if anything naked-related happened between them last night. Jake plays dumb, asks her what she thinks might have happened, then makes it clear that, no, he didn't take advantage of her while she was drunk. Amanda says she's never drinking "that Russian poison again", and Jake looks wistful and says it was actually nice seeing a less uptight side to her. Amanda snaps, "If I were you I wouldn't expect to see it again anytime soon" and sashays into the courtyard. The next morning, Jane is washing her car when Robert drops by to nonsensically admit that he's been avoiding her lately 'cause it dawned on him that, despite all of the complications in her life right now, he's totes in love with her. Jane looks pleasantly surprised by the declaration, suggests taking things with their blossoming romance one day at a time, then presses herself against him for a hug and a smooch. Alison and Steve are in a D&D conference room, brainstorming and sharing personal tidbits about themselves. Alison tells him she has a roommate-turned-boyfriend, while Steve says that he's too single-minded and career-driven to maintain any kind of relationship. He then stares at her all smitten-like and says he predicts that their partnership is going to work out just fine. Matt tags along with Katya when she's paged to the hospital's reception area, where the two are confronted by an agent from Naturalization and Immigration. He says he's making an official field visit, then shakes his head dismayingly as he says, "You wouldn't believe how many scams people run these days" aka marriages of convenience with money involved...and Matt and Katya nervously assure him that that isn't the case with their marriage 'cause of how "madly in love" they are. The agent glares suspiciously at Katya and says she neglected to indicate on her form where she's going to be living, and Matt stammers that of course Katya and Nikki will be living with him in his tiny rental apartment. The agent makes note of that and announces that he'll check in with them again...and once he's out of earshot, a rattled Katya and Matt agree that he seemed really suspicious. Billy arrives at D&D and wanders around looking for Alison...and eventually finds her in the conference room, giggling with Steve McMillan. When Alison spots him peering at them through the window, she excuses herself to tell Billy that they're in the middle of something and to please wait for her in the lobby. As a displeased Billy makes a mental note of Steve's good looks and undeniable sex appeal, Alison promises to wrap up the meeting pronto. Over at the beach house, Sydney is on the phone with her mother, fibbing that Jane is strapped for cash and too proud to ask for help. She directs her mother to send money to a "neighbor" in the Melrose Place complex (aka her new apartment) so that Jane isn't the wiser when she (Sydney) finds sneaky ways to slip some cash into her wallet without her knowledge. After she hangs up, she notices Kimberly striding up to the front door, cries, "Ack!" and quickly gathers her clothes and sneaks out the side door before leaping off the balcony. An oblivious Kimberly heads straight for the bathroom, where a startled Michael has just gotten out of the shower. As he glances around to see if Sydney is lurking around, Kimberly coos about how much she missed him this weekend and gives him a smooch...and outside Sydney is happily skipping along the beach. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Billy pours the last of the orange juice for Alison and suggests they take a break from their respective jobs at lunchtime and meet up for a romantic picnic in the park. Alison says she's definitely up for that - just as Jake bursts in [without bothering to knock] to ask if he can help himself to some breakfast. He explains that he hasn't yet gotten the hang of living on his own again and didn't think to do any grocery shopping. Alison asks him if he misses Jo, and he firmly says no...and when Billy tries to offer him relationship advice, he makes it clear he's not open to it. Jo arrives at D&D to tell Amanda that since things are so tense and awkward with Jake, she no longer wants to work on the Sage Brush Beer campaign. Amanda tells Jo that while she sympathizes with whatever post-breakup emotional turmoil she's currently enduring, she expects her to be an adult with respect to her professional obligations and honor the contract she signed with D&D...then makes it clear that she can't/won't release her from said contract. Michael is grumbling while signing the alimony agreement that entitles Jane to half of his net earnings for the next two years. Haha! When he chides Jane for being a greedy gold digger, she reminds him that he was the one who betrayed her and should be lucky she's not going after his earnings for more than two years. He vows to make her earn every penny (not sure what that means, exactly), then storms out...and Jane's lawyer Robert assures her that she did the right thing, then encourages her to keep in touch, even if it's not about divorce-related matters. Mmm hmm.. Jane thanks him for doing such a great job representing her, kisses his cheek, and sashays out of the room as he stares after her longingly. Over at the hospital, Matt runs into a glum Katya and asks her whassup. She tells him the hospital had to let her go 'cause she's on the tail end of her third visa extension, which means she'll have to return to Russia very soon. She says she knew this was coming, but was hoping for a miracle [in the form of a green card marriage to a certain gay man]. During the lunch picnic, Alison tells Billy that she very much wants to nudge Jake and Jo in the direction of reconciling and moving back in together, while Billy contorts his face into a meh expression and says he's way more interested in letting those two figure things out on their own. That evening, Jake is out dining with Alison and Billy when - surprise! - Jo arrives for the double date. Jo and Jake look at each other and are all, "The hell?" when they realize that the dinner was a setup to get them in the same room together. Alison points out that the four of them are still friends and should therefore be able to share a meal together, so Jo and Jake attempt smalltalk...which quickly degenerates into a bickerfest about her intimacy issues and his pride problems. Eventually the two decide they can't bear to be in each other's presence, and Jo storms off while an irritated Jake tells Alison and Billy to give it a rest with their re-matchmaking. Jane tearfully tells Sydney her marriage is absolutely, finally, truly over. Sydney tries to cheer her up by inviting her along to the movies, but Jane says she'd rather stay in and assures her she'll be fine, and Sydney's like, "Kewl!" and scampers off decked out in a crop top and form fitting pants. Jane turns on the TV but can't get into it, then takes off her wedding ring and and starts to sob. Matt and Katya are watching Nikki play at the local playground. Katya marvels at the enthusiasm Nikki exhibits about absolutely everything, then sadly says there's not much a future in store for her in Russia. A few seconds later, she brightens again and invites Matt to join her and Nikki for a hot dog dinner, and he happily accepts. Photo shoot! Jo is barking orders at Jake about how she needs him to pose while sitting on his motorcycle...and Amanda gets into the fray and says she has an idea of how to make Jake look hotter, then rips open his shirt. LOL. Jake gets fed up and retreats to his trailer...and when Amanda rushes after him to see whassup, he snarlingly reminds her that he's not a piece of meat [despite being cast as the show's primary source of eye candy]. She argues that since he signed up to model, he kinda is a piece of meat for the purposes of this photo shoot - but then promises to speak to Jo about dialling down her bitchitude. Michael is whining to Matt about Jane getting custody of half of his earnings and all of their Melrose Place friends, so Matt points out that he could always get together with the gang outside the complex. Michael perks up at that idea and excitedly tells Kimberly, who happens to wander by at that moment, that he wants to throw a party at their beach house this weekend. Kimberly makes a blech face, but reluctantly agrees...and Michael urges Matt to invite the entire cast (sans Jane). Alison tells Billy she has zero desire to go to Michael's beach house bash and is annoyed that Billy seems interested in attending. When Billy points out that it is possible for a couple to have their own individual friends, Alison accuses him of being too cavalier about Michael's adultery...then says she'll be very interested, in a judgey type way, to see who from the complex attends the party and who doesn't. After the hot dog dinner, Katya complains to Matt about the shittiness of Russia, aka Land of No Hope, and that she fears never getting the chance to leave her homeland again if she goes back. Matt clucks sympathetically and says he half-heartedly wishes there was something he could do 'bout that, and she's like, "Actually, you can" and produces a wad of cash and says he can have it in return for the favor of marrying her. Matt stares back at her in horror and firmly says he won't take her money and/or marry her. Amanda drops by Jake's apartment to show him how beautifully the photos from the shoot turned out, and to wank him about what a natural he is in front of the camera. When Jake grumbles about not being interested in modelling for a living, she points out that he should think of it as his day job and use it to finance what he really wants to do. He mulls that over, then asks her if she's going to Michael's party...and when she says she is, he suggests they go together. Alison and Billy return to the complex after a jog...and Alison is still irked at Billy for wanting to attend Michael's party. He points out that he's allowed to have his own opinion - plus all the other Melrose Place guys are going. Alison huffily says she's making her own plans tonight, then heads over to Jane's apartment to suggest a ladies night out. Jane likes the idea and invites Sydney along, but Sydney fibs that she's starting a new job at a restaurant and can't make it. Michael returns to the beach house with bags of junk food for the party - just as Sydney arrives to help with the preparations. Kimberly isn't thrilled to see her, and looks even less thrilled when she realizes that both she and Sydney made guacamole. Later, the party is in full swing with a mixture of Melrose Place folk and hospital staff. As Michael giddily circulates among the guests, Billy and Jake remark on how Alison and Jo were both no-shows...and a few seconds later, Amanda sashays over to saucily invite Billy to dance. Michael asks Matt why he's being so mopey at his party, so Matt tells him that Katya offered him money for a green card marriage. Michael chuckles and says it sounds like the perfect kind of marriage, then jests that maybe this means that someone will actually get some use out of his last name. Matt glares at him for the homophobic crack and snarls, "Have a great party, Michael" before angrily stalking off. Amanda asks Billy where Alison is tonight...and when he tells her that Alison's off doing stuff on her own, she chuckles about how unwise it is for a woman to let her hot boyfriend attend a beach party alone. A few seconds later, Jake cuts in and says he doesn't approve of any woman he's interested in carrying a torch for another guy, and Amanda assures him that she generally makes it a habit of leaving a party with the guy she came with. Alison, Jo, and Jane spend their ladies night out at Shooters complaining about the Melrose Place menfolk, and when Jane can take it no longer, she makes a beeline over to the pay phone and calls Robert to see if he's up for a booty call. Robert tells Jane he was pleasantly surprised that she called, then offers her a glass of wine. She responds by staring at him hungrily before urgently unbuttoning his shirt...and soon the two are naked and rolling around on the living room carpet. Alison returns home and is surprised to see Billy in the kitchen. He tells her he left Michael's party early 'cause he missed her, then hands her a bouquet of flowers. She squeals about how much she looooves it, then acknowledges that he was right when he was pontificating earlier about how couples don't need to agree on everything. Jake escorts Amanda to her front door, presumes that he's invited inside, and heads straight for her fridge and grabs two beers. Amanda says it's getting late - but he ignores that overt hint to leave and wanders over to the air conditioner and asks her if she's planning to install window units in all of the Melrose Place apartments. She says, "Eventually" and makes it clear she's ready to end the evening - but he continues to ignore her hint-dropping and flirtily says he's definitely interested in her. Amanda says he must have misread the situation and would like it if he left now...and when he responds by smooching her, she smacks him across the face and finally orders him to get the hell out. After she closes the door in his face - LOL - she ambles over to the air conditioner and lets the cool air blow across her lithe body. Michael apologizes to Kimberly for partying so hard...and the two start smooching - until they hear moaning sounds coming from the bedroom. They quickly investigate and find a drunken Sydney sprawled atop the bed, giggling about the spinning room. Michael tells a dismayed Kimberly that they have no choice but to let Sydney spend the night, and Kimberly concurs, but orders Michael to remove her from the bed so she doesn't throw up all over her sheets. Jane and Robert are nakedly canoodling in front of his fireplace, enjoying some post-coital afterglow. She natters about not knowing how she feels at this very moment, other than how desperate she was getting to be desired. Robert says that having a one night stand doesn't heal wounds, but that she doesn't need to apologize for using him for sex 'cause he really digs her, was utterly delighted with the doink, and enjoys her company. Matt joins Katya and Nikki at their regular Sunday park outing, where Nikki likes to ride the carousel. Katya tells Matt they're scheduled to return to Russia within a week, and Matt stares back at her sadly and murmurs, "I'm sorry.." Kimberly reminds Michael that she has rounds at the hospital this morning, then tells him to check on Sydney to make sure the tart is still breathing. He walks in on his former sister-in-law while she's getting out of the shower, and she happily bares her naughties as she sassily asks him to get her a towel...and he hands her one while staring lustily at her naked bod as if he's never seen an unclothed woman before. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: A grim-faced Jake is wandering around the apartment, gathering up his stuff...and when Jo wakes up and asks him whassup, he tells her he's moving out on account of how miffed he is that she clearly doesn't trust him. Jo explains that she was far too discombobulated last night to assure him she doesn't believe he'd deliberately burn his own shop down, and insists that she has plenty of faith in him. She presses herself against him in a hug, but he continues to look irritated while staring despondently into space. Jane berates Sydney for blabbing to Michael about her date with Sam, and Sydney weakly denies spilling the beans...but then admits that, yeah, she accidentally blurted it out to Michael - who, she claims, keeps calling her and won't leave her alone. She scrunches her face in faux confusion and says she has no idea anymore what she's allowed to say or not say, and Jane just kind of rolls her eyes and says she's off to her pre-divorce deposition. Billy drops by D&D to tell Alison that he scored an interview with a reclusive hotel magnate named John Bryant, gets a free overnight stay at the luxury property, and wants her to tag along for the next day and a half. Alison says she probably shouldn't, given that she's on thin ice with Amanda 'cause of how craptastic her work performance has been lately, but then gigglingly decides to come up with a plausible sounding disease in order to free herself up for the mini-vacay. At the hospital, Michael canoodles Kimberly and apologizes for whatever shitty thing he said or did earlier that morning. He explains that his divorce from Jane is really getting to him, then offers to take her to dinner after his deposition. A few seconds later, Michael runs into a worried looking Matt, who tells him that Katya invited him to dinner at her place and appears to have zero gaydar, as is evidenced by how openly smitten with him she is. Michael breezily replies that surely the woman is able to sense his gayness, but Matt just stares confusedly into space and wonders aloud, "How?" Mr. Harris [of the insurance company] is trying to talk Jake through last night's events so that he can recall whether or not he accidentally started the fire that burned his shop to the ground. Jake thinks hard for a few seconds and remembers that he turned off the blow-torch when he left for beers with Amanda, but admits that he may not have turned it off all the way. During the deposition, Michael blames the breakdown of his marriage on Jane's unfaithfulness with Sam...and when Jane's all, "Wuh?" and hisses at her lawyer that he's lying, he whispers back that it's all good 'cause then they'll be able to nail him for perjury. Michael claims that Jane and Sam hooked up while he spent long nights working at the hospital, and that the hanky panky continues to this day. Jane bellows that he's only accusing her of cheating to cover for his own infidelity, so then Michael contorts his face in a look of wistful sadness as he asks no one in particular how he could be expected to continue in a marriage his wife was making a mockery of by getting it on with his ex-bestie. Jane's lawyer asks him if he's been hitting the sheets with his colleague Kimberly, and Michael flatly denies doing any such thing and calls the question ridiculous. An enraged Jane bellows, "You're lying!" and storms out of the room, her lawyer rushing after her. She admits to him that, yeah, she had dinner with Sam six months ago, when he planted that unwelcome kiss on her lips - but the didn't see him again until just recently. Her lawyer chides her for not mentioning any of this to him prior to now, and sternly reminds her that she needs to come clean about everything if she expects to win this case. Jo is developing photos when a broody Jake returns home. He tells her he's pretty sure he didn't turn off the blow-torch all the way before he left the bike shop to have drinks with Amanda...and Jo murmurs, "Ooooh Jake.." Jake punches the doorframe while lamenting his monumental stupidity in destroying the shop. Jo coos at him to not be so upset, then points out that despite losing her 50K investment, she's barely even bothered about it. Jake gets visibly irked at the mention of the 50K she [unwisely] sunk into his ill-fated business, snarls, "I knew it would come to this", then storms over to the kitchen. He pulls open the refrigerator door, then slams it open and shut several times before knocking the poor thing over altogether. When Jo screeches, "Stoppppppp it!!!", he responds by picking up a bottle of wine and smashing it against the wall above her fireplace. Jo, who's now covered with splattered wine and surrounded by glass shards, shoots him the stinkiest stink-eye possible and hisses at him to Get. Out. Jake makes a beeline over to Amanda's apartment to report that his relationship with Jo is officially kaput and he would therefore like his old apartment back. Amanda perks up at that development and says his old place is still available, then reminds him that the offer for him to be the Sage Brush Beer spokesmodel for a D&D client still stands. Amanda heads over to Jo's place to inform her that Jake asked for his old apartment back, then glances inside and looks aghast by the overturned fridge and wine bottle fragments littered everywhere. When Jo confirms that Jake caused the damage during a particularly destructive temper tantrum, a concerned Amanda asks if he also hit her - and Jo assures her he did not. Amanda tells Jo that if she'd rather Jake didn't get his old apartment back she'd totes understand, but Jo says she doesn't mind Mr. Anger Management Problem living in the complex - she just doesn't want him living in her apartment anymore. Billy and Alison arrive at John Bryant's swanky resort...and Billy decides it's probably time to break it to Alison that she's going to have to make herself scarce during check-in, 'cause he wasn't actually supposed to bring anyone along on this business trip. Alison's all, "Wha-a-a?" and makes it clear how annoyed she is at having to hide her presence. Ten minutes later, Alison meets up with Billy in his suite, and is impressed by the luxuriousness of the room. The two kiss their way to the bedroom and start getting on - just as John Bryant calls to invite Billy to join him and his daughter for dinner. Billy reluctantly accepts, then promises a miffed looking Alison that he'll make it up to her by taking her out to a fancy dinner another time. Jane runs into Michael while grocery shopping, and she reacts by wheeling her cart in the opposite direction - but a few seconds later changes her mind and marches over to him and crashes her cart into his. She snarls at him for brazenly lying during the deposition, then asks whassup with him shopping at her favorite grocery store. He replies that he's simply playing as dirty as she is, and pretends he had no idea he could run into her here. Jane smugly assures him that her lawyer is going to nail him for perjury, then grabs a jar of pasta sauce out of his cart, opens it, and pours it all over his head [while he just stupidly stands there] before sashaying off. Billy is dining with John Bryant and his nymphy daughter Arielle, who's flirtily telling Billy about her love of all things Brazilian...and while John is distracted when his assistant suddenly comes over, Arielle tells Billy she has her own suite and tries to hand him a key - but he's all, "Ack!" and hastily hands it back. When the assistant leaves, Billy compliments John on his yummy wine choice, and John notices that a pretty blonde woman across the restaurant - who, by scripted coincidence, is Alison - is drinking the same wine, he raises his glass to her, and remarks how sad it is to see a woman dining alone. LOL. Seriously? Alison just kind of shrugs at a bewildered looking Billy, then gets incensed when she sees Arielle putting her arm around Billy's chair. She gets up and races out of the restaurant...and when Billy notices she's gone, he excuses himself from the table and rushes out after her. Alison rails about how annoyed she is at herself for risking trouble with Amanda to go on such a lame mini-vacay...and adds that she didn't much appreciate watching Arielle grope him at the table. Billy assures her she doesn't need to worry about that tart, and once again promises to make it up to her. Matt is dining with Katya, who cluelessly asks him what he looks for in a relationship. He replies that he most prizes honesty and chemistry, then comes right out and says that his prior significant others were guys. Katya's all, "Wha-a-a? Really?", admits that she somehow assumed he's straight, then assures him she's A-OK being platonic friends. She then shares a boring secret of her own: she has a five year old daughter named Nikki, who's currently at a sleepover. Jake asks Jo to meet him at Shooters so he can apologize for trashing her apartment...and I couldn't help but notice that his apology didn't include him offering to pay for the damage or help clean any of it up. Jo accepts his apology - but makes it clear that she's not quite ready to brush off his scary violent temper, and reminds him that she recently divorced a violent man and has no desire to live with another. Jake gets annoyed by the entirely reasonable implication that his ragey temper might possibly extend to physical abuse and decides that she couldn't possibly love him if she believes that about him. Jo argues that she actually really does love him...then storms off, leaving Jake staring blankly into space. Over at the swanky resort, Alison orders breakfast and wakes Billy with a kiss. She explains that she's no longer angry about being a hidden hotel guest now that she's done some reading about John Bryant and realized what a coup it was for him (Billy) to score this interview. She then adds that she's extra buoyant 'cause she thought up an entire campaign idea for the Famous Family restaurant D&D account...and Billy's all, "Hurray!", as the two start getting it on. Jo and Jane are out bicycling and discussing their man woes. Jo says she now regrets giving Jake the impression that she was afraid he might hit her, then wryly says she gets the distinct feeling that he was looking for a way out of their relationship. [I've had that feeling ever since they first hooked up.] Jane says she's still stunned that Michael lied through his teeth during the deposition, then wonders what on earth is going to come out Kimberly's mouth tomorrow when she's scheduled to testify. At the hospital, Michael is pressuring Kimberly to lie about their affair and says that if she's convincing enough they'll be "home free". Kimberly doesn't commit to lying and makes it clear that she's definitely not thrilled about him asking her to perjure herself. After the interview, John Bryant compliments Billy for being so well-prepared...then says his daughter ratted him out about bringing his girlfriend along on the trip. He reminds Billy that he gave him clear instructions that he was to travel alone, then asks what gives...so Billy apologizes for the blatant sass and explains that on his meagre salary he could never afford to take the love of his life to this nice a place, and merely wanted to share the experience with her. John looks moved by the touching love story and offers him and Alison a free second night in the luxury suite. Jake shows up at a photo shoot Jo is working to hand deliver a 35K check from the insurance company. He promises to pay her back the remaining 15K asap, but Jo urges him to keep it all and use it to invest in his new shop. Jake stonily says there's not going to be another shop, whines again about her lack of trust in him, and says he wanted her heart not her money [even though he was happy enough to take her money] - but now realizes that her heart was too beaten and broken to give to another. He sternly tells her to keep her money and not offer it to him again, then huffily walks off as Jo stares after him sadly. Alison is gabbling at Jo about the fun mini-vacay she and Billy just went on...and eventually notices that Jo is just staring morosely into space. When she asks whassup, Jo says she blew it with Jake, who has decided to move back into his old apartment. Alison looks stunned by the news, then suggests that maybe he just needs to be alone for awhile - but Jo says it's definitely over, as evidenced by the brusque way he returned her 35K and declared that he never again wants to enter into a business partnership with her. Alison flails about for something optimistic sounding to say and points out that it takes two people to make or break a relationship - but Jo insists that she solely ruined it [which is utter nonsense, given Jake's relationship-ending anger management issues], and abruptly exits the apartment. At the deposition, Kimberly begins her testimony by denying having an affair with Michael...but when Jane's lawyer warns her about the penalty of perjuring herself and reminds her that she herself admitted the affair to Jane during the Season 1 finale, she throws in the towel on the farce and tearfully admits that, yep, she's been sleeping with Michael and that his extramarital doinking of her continues to this day. Later at the hospital, Michael excitedly asks Kimberly how the deposition went, and she sheepishly informs him she told the truth. Michael's all, "Fuuuuuuuuuck" and angrily punches the nearest wall and asks her how she could so stupidly screw up their future. Kimberly stares at him incredulously and reminds him of how much shit she's been willing to put up with for him, and he dismissively retorts, "We'll take this up tonight" before storming out of the room. Jake is guzzling beer with Billy in the Melrose Place courtyard, nattering about how done he is with Jo, and railing about how women like her only trust men with lots of money. Billy's like, "Yeah whatevs, I'm going home now" ... and Jake heads over to Amanda's apartment to tell her it's finally penetrated his tiny brain that he's cash poor and has no choice but to accept her offer of being the Sage Brush Beer spokesmodel. Amanda's all, "Awesome!" and invites him inside to discuss the details - but he suggests they meet at her office tomorrow. She happily chirps, "It's a date!" ... and stares after him all smitten-like as he drunkenly staggers down the stairs. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Alison wakes up on the couch after her vodka-fuelled bender the night before. She stares at the empty bottle in mild dismay, then throws it into the garbage can and rinses out her drinking glass. After that she tiptoes over to her bedroom, quietly slips into the bed beside Billy, and pretends as though she's been sleeping there all night when Billy wakes up a few seconds later and gives her a good morning spoon-canoodle. She pulls away and says she has to get ready for her busy day ahead at D&D, and Billy says he's concerned that she's burying herself in her work instead of dealing with the trauma of Keith's stalking and self-inflicted mercy killing. She insists that she's ready to move on and snarls that she doesn't want to talk about Keith anymore - amen to that - and Billy flops onto the bed in exasperation. Jake excitedly shows Jo a bunch of decrepit motorcycles he just bought at an auction and explains that he plans on fixing them up for resale...and Jo's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and informs him that the money he just withdrew from the business account to buy the bikes was earmarked for the quarterly taxes, for which she just mailed a check to the IRS. She orders Jake to take the bikes back, but he says that the auction house doesn't do returns...and acknowledges the stupid breakdown in communication [on both of their parts] regarding the shop's finances. He promises Jo he'll find a buyer for the bikes, and she seems satisfied enough with that and tells him she's off to a casting session at D&D. Over at D&D, Amanda glances over the headshots of the male models auditioning for the role of Sage Brush Beer Spokesman and complains to Alison and Jo that none of these schmoes has the rugged hotness of Jake. She hands the phone to Alison and explains that she's on hold with the photo studio...and Alison takes that to mean she's supposed to book a photo session in the much-sought-after studio A with a top lighting technician. When she proudly tells Amanda about the booking, Amanda bitchily reminds her that they haven't even cast the Sage Brush Beer Spokesman yet so they'll have to cancel the booking, then snatches the phone back from Alison and says she'll handle it...the way she probably should have done instead of not clearly communicating exactly what the hell Alison was supposed to do when she handed her the damn phone. Over dinner at Shooters, Jo is complaining to Jane about how Jake bought auction motorcycles without consulting her, and Jane's like, "Yeah whatever" and says she's soooo annoyed that Michael's life is so together while hers is such a mess. Jo urges her to enjoy a night out with a hot guy of her choosing, and Jane mulls that over and says she has a hankering for Sam Towler, aka Michael's best friend who gave her a smooch in the Irreconcilable Similarities episode. Jo nods approvingly and says that, yep, she should definitely look into tapping that. Jane arrives at the construction site that Sam presides over and gets hooted at and cat-called by the horny construction workers as she sashays in her mini-dress over to where Sam is standing. She tells him she was just in the neighborhood and figured she'd drop by to invite him over for dinner tomorrow night...and he says he highly doubts that she was "just in the neighborhood", but is more than happy to accept her saucy invitation. As Alison and Amanda rush to get to a client meeting, Amanda notices that Alison has the wrong client's file in her hand and irritably tells her that she should sit the meeting out. Alison whines, "Give me a channnnnnce", but Amanda points out that she can't rely on her on account of all the screwing up she's being doing recently. She says that something is clearly affecting her ability to be functional on the job, and is therefore officially cutting back on her responsibilities. After working the phones, Jake has zero luck finding a buyer for the motorcycles and tells Jo to stop payment on the IRS check. Jo says she can't/won't do that, then laments the possibility of losing her 50K investment. Jake gets irked at that and reminds her that he never wanted her money, and she's like, "Whatever. We have a week and a half to get the money into the bank account before the check bounces." The next morning, Alison rushes around the apartment getting ready for work and tells Billy she's determined to prove to Amanda that she's able to perform the bare basics of her duties at D&D. A few seconds later, Amanda drops by to tell Alison that she completely re-worked the figures for whatever account she was working on and hands her a floppy disk. As Alison rolls her eyes in irritation and heads out to her car, Billy chides Amanda for cracking the whip too hard - but Amanda says she's merely expecting Alison to do the job the way she was expected to do it back when she was in the position. Jane urges Sydney to go out to a movie tonight, then hands her some cash and says it's her treat. Sydney correctly guesses that she has a date, and Jane admits she invited Sam over for dinner and doesn't want her younger sister third-wheeling it with them. Sydney gets all judgey and says it's a little soon to be dating, given that she and Michael aren't even divorced yet - but Jane brusquely says she doesn't need a second opinion on how to live her life and stalks out of the room. At the hospital, Michael canoodles Kimberly in the hallway, and the two agree to meet up at the beach house after their shifts to get it on. Dr. Katya Petrova drops by Matt's office to tell him she needs to find a permanent home for a patient, in order for her to avoid being shipped off to a shitty county hospital. Matt tells her he'll do his very best to find something suitable. Billy asks Amanda to meet up with him in the park so he can give her low-down on the Keith-induced trauma that Alison has been enduring for the last three episodes. Amanda looks shocked and horrified and says she had no idea that any of this was happening - but points out that if Alison insists on coming to work every day as if nothing's wrong, she has no choice but to expect her to be at least halfway functional on the job. Billy urges her to give Alison enough time and space to recover, then makes it clear she has no idea that he's spilling the beans to her boss about her temporary mental health issues. Jane and Sam are having a lovely dinner, and both agree that they thoroughly enjoy each other's company. He tells her he's glad they didn't spend the entire evening Michael-bashing, and she concurs and says that that'd be a colossal waste of energy. The two then raise their glasses and toast to a future of making good memories. Amanda drops by Jake's Bikes to once again try to convince him to agree to be the Sage Brush Beer Spokesman, and explains that she prefers to cast "real people living real life". Jake makes an ew face and says it's just not him, but agrees to listen to her final sales pitch over a beer. Amanda's like, "Kewl!" and grabs her purse...and unwittingly knocks over a blow-torch in the process. Egads! Jane and Sam are making out on the couch - but Jane pulls away and says she's not ready to jump into a new romance...and also wants to be entirely sure that she's not hooking up with him to get revenge on Michael for his philandering. Sam says he's good with that, encourages her to take however much time she needs in order to be absolutely sure that she wants to be with him, then assures her that his attraction to her has absolutely nothing to do with sticking it to Michael. Jo arrives at Jake's Bikes and notices smoke billowing from the workroom. She runs to the back of the building...and when the door handle is too hot to turn, she stupidly throws a rock through the window part of the door, which causes the fire to gain in intensity, and screeches, "Jakkkkkke!" As the firemen put out the fire, Jo stares at the shop in tears when Jake and Amanda return from Shooters. He cries, "What happened?" and Jo hugs him and says she thought he was inside, then collapses against him and says she nearly got killed trying to brave the flames and save him. When Sydney finishes sleeping in, she tells Jane she sat through a boring double feature so she could have her privacy with Sam. Jane thanks her for staying away and says that the date went really well, and that Sam's an awesome listener. Sydney makes a beeline over to Michael's beach house to blab about Jane inviting Sam over for an intimate dinner. Michael looks miffed and mutters, "Sam..?", then asks Sydney why she's telling him this. She shrugs and says she figured he'd be happy with this latest development, 'cause now Jane won't spend so much of her energy trying to make his life miserable...and I have to admit that that actually is kind of a valid observation. At D&D, Amanda hovers over Alison as she taps away at her computer and remarks, "That's clerical work." Alison self-piteously says it's all she has left, so Amanda acknowledges that she may have been hasty in stripping her of all responsibility and tells her to go back to doing client work - in particular focusing exclusively on the Famous Family Restaurants account. Alison looks at her suspiciously and asks her if anyone put her up to this, and Amanda breezily says she's merely being fair. Mr. Harris, Jake's insurance agent, reports that the charred bike shop is a total loss, and that he's going to need to look over the accounting books to determine the fair value of the business. After he leaves, Jake growls about what a total failure he is - but Jo points out that the fire was an accident, and that he's going to have a lot of choices about what to do with the insurance money. Jake says that his first order of business will be to pay her her 50K investment back, then says in his opinion the fire is a total disaster...and that if he ever decides to start up a new shop, he'll do it alone, aka without dragging anyone else down with him. Michael races over to the construction site to angrily confront Sam. He demands to know how long he's been dating his wife, and Sam's all, "Wuh?" and says they just had one dinner together...before reminding him that Jane is his soon-to-be ex-wife. Michael takes a swing at him, but Sam easily blocks his fist, shoves him to the ground, and tells him to get the hell off of his construction site. Haha! Mr. Harris tells Jake and Jo that the Fire Department has concluded that the fire is suspicious, not least 'cause of the dire financial situation the bike shop was in at the time. Jake angrily denies setting the fire, and complains that after dutifully paying his insurance premiums each month, he's unable to get help when he needs it. Mr. Harris ignores his bitching and makes it clear that the company's decision regarding a payout will be based on the results of the arson investigation. Alison is at Shooters, guzzling martinis when Billy seats himself next to her at the bar. She tells him she knows he spoke to Amanda about Keith's self-inflicted mercy killing - despite her asking him not to tell anyone. Billy says he had no choice 'cause she's throwing her career away, not to mention endangering the wellbeing of her liver with all the binge-drinking she's been indulging in over the last several weeks. He implores her to pull herself together, fight back, and stop sabotaging herself - otherwise she's going to lose everything she loves. Sam drops by Jane's apartment to ask her why in blazes she'd drag Michael into their budding romance...and when Jane scrunches her face confusedly, he explains that Michael confronted him at work about their date. Jane says she hasn't seen Michael in weeks - which means that someone else must have told him...and the two glance over at Sydney, who's pretending to still be asleep on the pullout couch. Jane apologizes to Sam for putting him in the middle of her pre-divorce woes and kisses him goodbye. Sydney springs out of bed and denies to Jane that she had anything to do with informing Michael about her new love life and suggests that maybe he hired someone to spy on her. Michael is so irked at the visual of Sam and Jane getting it on that he's unable to perform in the sack with Kimberly. She coos about how totally understandable it is that he's so tense, and he retorts by bitchily complaining that she could put a little more effort into making him happy...and I genuinely have no idea what he means by that, or why a smart doctor like Kimberly continues to stick in out with this stupidly toxic relationship. Matt tells Katya that he found a room for her patient at Glen Acres...and explains that he was able to get her to the top of the list 'cause he used to work with the director of Glen Acres. Katya squeals happily and says in return she'd love to cook him dinner tomorrow night. He's like, "Er, OK..?" so she chirps, "It's a date!" and gives him a cheek kiss...then skips down the hall, leaving Matt staring after her muttering, "A date..?" Alison invites Billy to stroll along the beach with her so she can tell him how much she appreciates his tough love and lament about how much Keith made her doubt her judgement. She acknowledges that she has to make changes in her life, starting with an immediate ban on over-boozing...and Billy's all, "Hurray!" and promises to support her through her desperately needed mental rehabilitation. Jake returns home and tells Jo that the charred remains of his shop have been demolished, and that it all fit into one dump truck. Jo says she's confused by the Fire Department's suspicion that the fire was deliberately set, which prompts Jake to stare at her incredulously and ask if she truly thinks he'd really torch his own shop. She declines to answer and says she's off to bed...leaving Jake staring despondently into space. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Alison is having a black and white nightmare about being attacked by Keith during the previous episode - just before she's startled awake by the ringing phone. It's Billy, fibbing about having to go out of town for a work assignment. She tells him about her Keith nightmare, and he assures her that Keith is in Seattle and won't be bothering her anymore. After the call, Billy glances at the return address written on one of Keith's pleeeeeease take me back letters to Alison, then climbs into his rental car and drives over to Keith's place. When he finds Keith's house empty, he walks to the back of the house and forces his way in through the back door. The kitchen is a disgusting mess of dirty dishes and takeout boxes, prompting Billy to mutter, "What a pig." He then wanders into the living room, where Keith has a makeshift office set up with papers scattered about...as well as a creepy assortment of framed close-ups of Alison. Billy stares at it for several seconds before muttering, "Oh my God.." Sydney gabbles at Jane about how she should give Michael a second chance, then chides her for the unrealistic standards she's always holding people to. When she points out that Michael is probably as good a husband as she'll ever be able to snag, an irked Jane tells her to shut it before rushing off to work. Over at the hospital, Michael tells Kimberly he really doesn't mind the divorce process being dragged out 'cause of how much it's probably torturing Jane. As the two smooch, Matt appears in the hall and awkwardly says hello, then thanks Michael for helping him land his new social services job. He tells Michael he has no reason to feel awkward with him given The Jane Situation - but Michael just shrugs unconcernedly and is like, "Well duh." One of the D&D bigwigs, Doug Vincent, drops by Amanda's office to request a copy of the proposal that she and her team have been working on, and she remarks that her subordinate was due to hand it in today and offers to bring it by later. When Doug says he needs to see it now, Amanda calls Alison, who's predictably spaced out at her desk, to ask whassup with the proposal she was supposed to have submitted this morning. Alison's all, "Oops, I spaced on that" and says she's going to need until the end of the day to finish it, so Amanda fibs to Doug by telling him that her subordinate is having problems extracting the completed proposal from the computer...and once he's out of earshot, she bitchily summons Alison to her office. She rails about how Doug Vincent is breathing down her neck about the proposal, that she couldn't give a rat's ass about Alison's "traumatic weekend", and snappishly advises her to not make it a habit of repeatedly fucking up at work...even though it's pretty much the way Alison's been functioning at D&D as far back as when she was under Lucy's tutelage. Keith is giving a small group of people a tour of a construction site when Billy shows up and threatens to kill him if he ever contacts Alison again. Keith disdainfully tells him to get a life, to which Billy responds by grabbing and repeatedly punching him in the face. When one of the women in the tour group cries, "Call the police!", a bloodied Keith says that that won't be necessary, then glares menacingly over at Billy and growls, "I'll be seeing you soon" before continuing on with his tour...despite the distraction of nostril blood smeared across the lower half of his face. At the beach house, Michael complains to Kimberly that he can't find any clean clothes, then wonders aloud why she hasn't taken it upon herself to launder his clothes. Kimberly replies, "Uh, 'cause I'm a doctor not a maid" and snarks at him to take care of his own damn laundry. Keith calls Alison to complain that Billy showed up in Seattle to physically assault him and is twisting everything around, making her hate him, and Alison snaps, "I do hate you, Keith. In fact, I wish you were dead" before slamming the phone down. Keith, meanwhile, picks up one of his framed photos of Alison, glares at it hatefully, and throws it against the wall. A few seconds later, Amanda stops by Alison's apartment to see if she can get a ride to work 'cause her Porsche is on the fritz - just as Billy returns home and gets an earful from Alison for sneakily flying to Seattle to pummel Keith. She snarls, "I need support, not lies" before heading off to work. Jo arrives at D&D to show Amanda the photos of Jake at the motorcycling event. An impressed Amanda says she definitely wants to hire her to shoot the upcoming campaign, then says she's going to need her to return to the track this evening to get some night shots. Jo's like, "Kewl!" and scampers off while Amanda picks up the phone and places a call to Jake. Sydney drops by the beach house to bring Michael some of her homemade lasagne and check out his new digs. When she sees his laundry piled in the middle of the bedroom floor, she says she'd be more than happy to wash it for him. He half-heartedly protests and points out that Jane probably wouldn't like that, but she tells him she really doesn't give a shit what her sister thinks and rushes out of the beach house clutching his dirty clothes. Amanda invites Jake out to dinner to inform him that she hired Jo to shoot the Sage Brush Beer campaign...and that because he's so sexy and photogenic, she's tapping him (heh) to be the Sage Brush Beer man. Jake blushingly says that being a male model isn't really his thing, but agrees to mull it over. Billy explains to Alison that he felt compelled to go to Seattle to give Keith the what for in the interest of seeking justice, and Alison pours herself a glass of hard liquor and laments the bitchy way she antagonized Keith during their phone call. She says she's having problems concentrating at work, has zero desire to confide any of this in Amanda, then snappishly says she's going to have to spend the evening finishing the D&D proposal she was supposed to have finished days ago. Jane asks Sydney to straighten up the apartment while she's at work, then suggests they hit the town that evening. After she exits the apartment, Sydney pulls out Michael's dirty laundry from under the bed and takes a long whiff of it, which...gross. When Jake tells Jo that Amanda asked him out to dinner to discuss becoming the Sage Brush Beer man, Jo shakes her head in dismay and calls Amanda manipulative. Jake assures her that the dinner was all business, and that he has no desire to be the Sage Brush Beer guy or to canoodle with another woman. Sydney is in the laundry room, putting Michael's clothes in the washing machine when Jane pops in to ask Sydney if she wouldn't mind also throwing her laundry into the machine. Billy enters the kitchen and sees that Alison has been up all night working. Alison checks her watch and is all, "Ack! I have to shower and get to work!" as Billy apologizes for confronting Keith without her knowledge or permission. Alison accepts his apology and instructs him to never speak of Keith again...and the two jump into the shower and enjoy a wet smoochfest. Sydney returns to the beach house to drop off Michael's freshly laundered clothes and is startled to find Kimberly sunning herself on the deck. Sydney introduces herself as Michael's soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law and fibs that Michael left these newly laundered clothes at Jane's apartment, and Kimberly calls herself Michael's friend and is all, "OK then, off you go now." Jo runs into Alison at D&D, tells her she's been hired to shoot the new beer campaign, then grumbles about Amanda's private dinner with Jake. Alison urges her to take the job, but warns her to not turn her back on Amanda. Kimberly stops by the hospital to report to Michael that Sydney came by the beach house with his laundry, and he chuckles and explains that Sydney was only too eager to perform the duties that his female live-in is supposed to be performing. He then chastises Kimberly for tipping Sydney off about the fact that they're shacking up together, and Kimberly complains that she hates sneaking around and can't wait until they don't have to be so secretive about their love or living situation. Michael responds by giving her a big smooch and urging her to chillax. Amanda is presiding over a D&D campaign meeting when a low level flunky interrupts to tell Alison she has an urgent phone call from Billy. Alison sheepishly rushes out to take the call at her desk...and when she learns it's Keith - and not Billy - on the phone, she threatens to call the police. He mumbles, "Don't bother. I'll be dead" and moans about how wrecked he is by what he's done to her life...and to traumatize her even further, he tells her he's holding a loaded gun and called to say goodbye. Alison urges him to put the gun down and implores him to get help for his various mental health issues - but Keith ignores her pleas, says, "I'll always love you. Forgive me", and proceeds to blow his head off. Alison cries, "Nooooo!!" and drops the phone as the camera shifts into dramatic slo-mo mode. That evening, Billy tells Alison that the Seattle PD confirmed that Keith did, in fact, kill himself. Alison, who's guzzling vodka, tearfully wails that she should have done more (er, anything) to help him. She recalls snarling at him over the phone about how much she hated him and wished he were dead, then says that nothing is going to change the fact that her psycho ex-boyfriend killed himself because of her. Michael drops by Melrose Place to ask Sydney to please not say anything to Jane about seeing his "friend" Kimberly at his beach house. Sydney says she'd be more than happy to keep his secret, giddily says she really enjoys doing things for him, and hopes that he liked her homemade lasagne. Michael thanks her for keeping his living situation under wraps and heads to the hospital...and Sydney gazes out the window, grinning stupidly after him. Amanda and Alison are hosting a business lunch with prospective clients - but Alison is too distracted by Keith's suicide to contribute anything useful and spends the better part of the meeting mutely throwing back cocktails. When the meeting ends and the clients excuse themselves, Amanda shoots Alison an incredulous stare and asks her whaddup with her uselessness and binge-drinking. Alison says she's going through yet another crisis, and a fed up Amanda points out that she's not the only person in the world with a personal life...and that since her problems are preventing her from functioning at even the most basic level, she needs to go home - by cab 'cause she's way too drunk to be behind the wheel. Alison is at Jo's apartment, guzzling yet more booze as she unburdens her feelings of guilt about Keith's self-inflicted mercy killing. Jo reminds her that her mother killed herself when she was ten, and that it took her a looooong time to get over the feeling that it happened 'cause she was a bad daughter. She urges Alison to stop numbing her feelings with all the boozing she's been doing of late and to just endure the pain, then reminds her that she has a nice [albeit dimwitted] fella waiting at home for her who is more than happy to help her work through this emotional trauma. Alison returns to her apartment and tells Billy she loves him and vows to not let anything Keith-related to get in the way of their relationship. Later that night, a restless Alison gets out of bed, tiptoes to the kitchen, and pours herself a glass of vodka. She then settles onto the couch, where she boozes it up while staring mournfully into space. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Billy and Alison wake up in bed together and enjoy some contented canoodling. Billy admits that he's been jealous of all the time she's been spending with Keith lately, then says he's A-OK with it now and that he loves her 'cause she makes him sooooo happy. She retorts, "Vice versa" - ouch - and Billy says, happy as he is about their budding romance, he can't help but be annoyed at her for agreeing to have a goodbye dinner with Keith 'cause he still believes that Keith is the stalker. Alison points out that the phone call she got from the [pretend] stalker at the end of the previous episode proves that Keith is innocent, but Billy just snorts derisively and says that Keith clearly set that up. Alison doesn't buy that theory, tells Billy to give Keith a break, then climbs out of bed to take a shower. Jane piles anything that's Michael-related in the middle of her living room floor and mutters, "That's it, the whole marriage...a pile of useless crap." A few minutes later, Michael drops by to pick up his pile of useless crap, and Jane tells him she wants it out of her apartment asap 'cause she needs the extra room for Sydney, who's returning to Melrose Place to give the show a much needed jolt of sexy drama. Jane then offers Michael half the wedding china, and he responds by urging her to call off her killer attorney and stop acting like a child...to which she responds by throwing his half of the wedding china at him while screeching, "I hate you!" and ordering him to get the hell out. LOL. Jane heads over to LAX to pick up Sydney, who babbles about how shocked she is that Jane is filing for divorce. She begs Jane to spill all the juicy details, but Jane says she has zero desire to dredge it all up for her amusement. Amanda encounters Matt moping around the courtyard, mumbling about how much he misses baring his soul to Rhonda. Amanda invites him to bare his soul to her, so he's like 'sure, why the hell not?' and explains that he's so depressed 'cause he just got laid off by the defunded halfway house. Amanda clucks sympathetically and says that surely he'll find a new job in no time, then asks if he has enough cash in his savings to cover the rent. LOL. Matt glares back at her and snaps, "Don't worry, you'll get your rent. Thanks!" and storms off. Amanda, meanwhile, runs into Jo and Jake and is so intrigued by Jake's plan to enter the upcoming Superbike Competition that she invites herself to tag along with the two of them. Billy tells Alison he's been researching crazy stalkers and is staggered by all the similarities between them and the nutty way Keith's been behaving. Alison insists that Keith has only ever been nice to her, accuses Billy of being obsessed, then says she's off to meet up with Keith for his goodbye dinner. Billy scrunches his face concernedly, then grabs his jacket and decides to sneakily follow her. After dinner, Keith and Alison amble around the boardwalk, then stroll along the beach. Keith tears up and tells Alison that all is not as well as he's been pretending: he's on probation at work 'cause of how dysfunctional he became after she dumped him. Alison's like, "Sorry about that" and gives him a hug...and as Keith holds her he gets a demonic look on his face. Billy, who's lurking nearby, gets so alarmed by the look on Keith's face that he yells, "Hey!" and rushes over. Alison's all, "The fuck?" and admonishes him for following her, and Keith glares at him and says he'll take Alison home now, and snarls that she doesn't need protecting from him. The next morning, Billy apologizes to Alison for following her last night, and she tells him she's not angry and that after she takes Keith to the airport, all of the tension related to this dull love triangle will finally be over. It remains unclear why Alison doesn't just tell Keith to book a damn airport shuttle to get his keister to LAX. Amanda and Jo are among the spectators of the Superbike Competition, and Jo shoots a series of photos as Jake roars past them on his motorcycle. Amanda tells her she may be interested in some of those photos for an ad campaign, and Jo tells her she'll bring them by D&D once they've been developed. At the hospital, Michael runs into Matt, who just dropped off his resume for a Social Services job that just opened up. Michael says he's sorry to hear about his layoff at the halfway house and offers to put in a good word with whoever runs Social Services...then whines again about losing all of his Melrose Place friends. Matt says that whatever happened between him and Jane is nobody's business, and that from now on he's going to be neutral about it 'cause of how grateful he'll be to Michael if he helps him land this new job. Jane takes a leisurely walk along the beach with Sydney, reminiscing about how her wedding day was the most perfect day ever, and how hopeful she was that it would work out and one day be blessed with children. She whimpers, "Why didn't he want me?" and Sydney shrugs helplessly and gives her a comforting hug. At the hospital, Kimberly pulls Michael into a private room to tell him she got subpoenaed by Jane's lawyer in front of a bunch of other doctors. She calls the whole thing "ugly and out of hand", tells him that the subpoena names her the other woman, and that she doesn't know if she can take it anymore. Michael asks if by it she means their relationship, and she's like, "Uh, kinda" and says she hates having to sneak around and asks him if he doesn't also hate it. Michael shrugs and is all, "Nah, I'm good", but offers to move out of the beach house if it'll make her feel better. Billy assures Alison that he's not going to trail after her while she takes Keith to the airport, but urges her to make certain that the psycho boards the Seattle bound plane. Jake, Jo, and Amanda return to Melrose Place after the Superbike Competition. Amanda suggests they celebrate Jake's win with some yummy takeout, but Jo declines and says she needs to get to work developing the photos. Amanda asks Jake if he's interested in takeout, and Jo quickly says that Jake can't go either 'cause she needs his help developing the photos...even though she's never needed his help with that up until now. Amanda heads up to her place...and once she's safely out of earshot, Jo forbids Jake to ever step foot inside Amanda's apartment unchaperoned. Alison arrives at Keith's hotel and is dismayed to see that his bags aren't packed and that he's arranged a romantic, candle-lit dinner for the two of them. She irritably says she'll come back later when he's ready to leave for the airport - but Keith suddenly gets angry and grabs her, then growls menacingly about how much he loves her and that he knows she loves him too. Alison's all, "Ack!" and reminds him that she's with Billy now, but would be happy to remain lifelong platonic friends with him. He snaps, "Don't patronize me, bitch!" and blocks the door, then gets all in her face and snarls, "I'm in control now, you got it?!" and declares that they're going to make love now. A freaked out Alison's all, "Uh, noooo" - but he ignores her protests and throws her atop the bed, then gets all sweaty and crazed looking as he looms over her and demands to know if she loves him. She nods unconvincingly, then a few seconds later kicks him in the groin while he's unbuckling his belt. As he clutches his gonads in pain, Alison makes a break for the door and races into an elevator, where she sinks to the floor and cries, "Ooooh God.." A traumatized Alison returns to her apartment, pours herself a stiff drink, and tells Billy she wants to be alone. He ignores that request and follows her to her room and asks her why she's back from her airport run so early...so she tells him he was right about Keith, and that he just attacked her in his hotel room. She chides herself for trusting him, yells, "I want to kill him!", then collapses into Billy's arms and sobs. Michael packs up whatever stuff he brought to the beach house, and Kimberly tells him he's being ridiculous and tries to get him to put his stuff down. When he reminds her about their argument at the hospital, she's like, "So what?" and leans in for a smooch. Michael apologizes for the messy divorce situation, agrees to continue living at the beach house, and leans in for some amorous smooching. Billy brings Alison to the police station to report Keith's attack - but Detective Altman looks unimpressed when Alison admits that Keith didn't have a weapon, didn't hit her, and that she once dated him. Billy haughtily informs the detective that Keith has been terrorizing Alison for weeks, then admonishes her for not seeming as if she's taking the complaint seriously enough. Michael and Kimberly are canoodling in bed, post coitus, as he natters about his divorce and Jane's dickish determination to go after his future earnings. He then looks as though he just stumbled onto a brilliant idea and points out to Kimberly that there's no actual evidence they're having an affair...and that if they manage to keep their stories straight, Jane's lawyer won't have a case against him for inflicting mental cruelty on his wife. Kimberly's like 'sure, why the hell not?', and the two start going at it again. Keith is checking in for his flight to Seattle when he's detained by police, handcuffed, and told he's under arrest for attacking Alison. Under questioning, Keith tells Detective Altman that he was planning to break things off with Alison 'cause she was getting too possessive...and that he organized a candle-lit dinner for the two of them purely to let her down easy. Detective Altman looks suitably skeptical about that last thing and remarks on how jovial he seems for someone who's being accused of attempted rape. When she advises Keith to get himself a lawyer, he smugly says he did nothing wrong and therefore has no need for a lawyer. Billy tells Alison she did a good thing coming forward to report the attack...and she sheepishly laments not taking heed of his multiple warnings. Detective Altman returns and tells Alison that the DA's office doesn't think there's enough of a case to proceed, which means that she has no choice but to release Keith. She points out that he's flying back to Seattle tonight, and that she should get back in touch if he causes her any further problems. As Alison and Billy head out, they encounter Keith, who smirkingly tells Alison he's sorry she felt the need to go through with "this charade", but that there's no hard feelings. He then directs his attention to Billy and says, "See ya, sport" before sauntering off. Sydney calls Michael to ask him if there's anything she can do to help him during his divorce messiness, and he responds by inviting her to lunch. Back at Melrose Place, Alison pours herself another stiff drink, while Billy paces the living room and debates whether or not he should alert the Seattle police about Keith's imminent arrival. Alison says she's too tired to think about it anymore and announces that she's going to bed alone. The next morning, Matt runs into Amanda on his way to the social services job interview. She apologizes for her insensitivity the other day and offers to give him some grace time to pay the rent...and he thanks her, but says he probably won't need it 'cause he expects to be employed very soon. After he heads off, Jake compliments Amanda for her kindness to Matt just now, then admires her fancy red sports car and asks how "it handles". She flirtily suggests he find out for himself by driving her to work so that he can enjoy the car all day, then pick her up at quitting time. Jake says he definitely likes the sound of that idea. Over lunch, Sydney tells Michael she misses him, and he asks her if she could please do him a favor and get Jane to "lower the stakes" of their divorce and not go after his future earnings. Sydney says she'll somehow find a way to bring that up in conversation and subtly urge Jane to get her lawyer to back off. Michael self-piteously says he never meant to cause anyone pain, and Sydney coos, "I know" and clutches his hand while gazing at him lovingly. Ew. Billy arrives at LAX, buys a round trip ticket to Seattle, then stares into space with a troubled look on his dumb face. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
MELROSE PLACE HOMEPAGE
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