Recap: Dylan is passed out on his couch with music blaring. Mama Walsh appears at his front door, and eventually the noise from her knocking wakes him up. He struggles to his feet and shuffles toward the door looking bleary-eyed and disheveled. Mama Walsh is shocked at his grisly appearance and quickly apologizes for waking him, then says she would have phoned but doubted he'd talk to her. He invites her inside his pigsty and clears off a spot on the couch so she can sit down. She stares at him concernedly and asks him if he's OK, and he mumbles that he's "getting by". She tells him that that's no way to live and assures him he's not alone, and he retorts that she can't fix his problems. She tells him she came over because she and Papa Walsh feel it's time to start over and put whatever's gotten in the way of their relationship behind them. (Relationship? Are they dating Dylan?) She pleads with him to come to the house with her and adds that Papa Walsh even stayed home from work today so they could talk. He asks her why she's doing this, and she says 'cause they care...and he thinks that over for a few seconds and agrees to go with her. He tells her he wants to get cleaned up first - and by get cleaned up, he means go into the bathroom and snort coke with a key.
The Walsh house. Dylan slouches inside and remarks to Mama Walsh that everything looks the same as it always has...but when he turns toward the living room, he suddenly realizes he just walked into his intervention. The entire gang is there, along with Papa Walsh, Nat, and Mackenzie Phillips, who plays an alcoholism counselor. Makes sense, I guess. Dylan gets mad at being ambushed so sneakily and sarcastically asks if this is supposed to be like an AA meeting where he goes, "Hi, I'm Dylan. I'm an alcoholic." [And a druggie, don't forget.] Brandon urges him to sit down, and Dylan snaps back that he should mind his own business - so Mackenzie Phillips steps in and lectures him about how everyone took the time and effort to attend this intervention and that he owes it to them to listen to what they have to say. Dylan snarks that the intervention better be entertaining, otherwise he's outta there. Brandon kicks things off by recounting how Dylan saved his life when he almost fell off a cliff during a Season 2 camping trip...then ponders what will happen if he's ever in need of Dylan's life-saving assistance again. David chimes in and says that he too was saved by Dylan during his meth phase when he helped him flush a knapsack full of drugs down the toilet to avoid getting arrested. Ahn-drea reminds Dylan that in Season 2, David buried his dorky friend Scott Scanlon after he shot himself in a suicide mercy killing, and that Brandon just recently buried Josh after he exploded in a car accident...and says they don't want to bury him too. Dylan says they can all put their shovels away since nobody's dying here. He insists he's fine, but Brandon argues that anyone who abuses drugs and shoots up his house with a gun can't possibly be fine.
Shopping mall. Valerie is aimlessly window shopping when she runs into Clare. After some initial pleasantries, they talk about how neither of them grew up in Beverly Hills, and Valerie tells her she lived across the street from the Walshes in Minneapolis and was best friends with Brenda until she moved away. Clare says she never really got to know Brenda, and Valerie says, "You would have liked her." I think that's highly debatable. Clare asks her why she's not at Casa Walsh right now discussing Dylan's Great Matter, and Valerie breezily replies that she doesn't belong there since she doesn't really know Dylan all that well...then a few seconds later comes clean and admits that she wasn't actually invited. Clare bitterly retorts, "Well, I guess we're not members of the club yet."
As Mackenzie Phillips mediates the intervention, she tells Dylan he probably hasn't hurt any of his friends half as much as he's hurt himself - but Nat pipes up and says he takes exception to that. He tells Dylan he knows he pocketed some of the profits during the first After Dark rave, then says he'd better get his head screwed on straight - otherwise he could die. Dylan insists he's not going to die and says this intervention is getting ridic and that he's ready to leave. Mackenzie Phillips pleads with him to sit down and listen to what his friends are trying to tell him, but when he continues to head toward the door Steve suddenly blurts out, "Good!" He snarks that drunk or not, Dylan probably would have hit on Valerie...and then announces that he's leaving. Dylan tells him it was Valerie who initiated their hook-up and each of the doinkfests that followed, and that he kept telling her to cut him (Steve) loose so he wouldn't get hurt. Well...true enough. He then promises to stay at the intervention if Steve does.
The Pruit house. Ray's white trash mother LuAnn puffs on a cigarette as she tells Ray she heard him come in really late last night. He says he was out with the guys, and she warns him not to neglect Donna. He explains that Donna was busy studying, so LuAnn starts gabbling about how awesome it is that his new girlfriend lives in Beverly Hills, then asks if her house is located north of Sunset Blvd - where the mega-rich folk live. Ray tells her he's not dating Donna because she's rich, and LuAnn assures him that she knows that...then says it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl as it is a poor one.
The Intervention. Donna tells Dylan she's always thought of him as a brother...but when he crashed her mother's fundraiser (the one where she performed her memorable 'Texas dip' - LOL), she lost so much respect for him. She says the guests all remember him as an obnoxious drunk who put his boots on the table and picked a fight with his best friend. Dylan reminds her that he apologized the next day, and she retorts that he never showed up to register for classes with her as he promised. He tells her his decision not to return to university had nothing to do with her, so Ahn-drea interjects and says he's way too smart, passionate, and awesome to give up on his education. He jokingly says you always hurt the ones you love, and she puts on her extra sad face and pouts, "I guess that's why you never came by to see Hannah." Gaa - why is it that new parents always assume that everyone they know will be enamored by the sight of their spawn? Dylan mutters that he's been busy, and then it's Kelly's turn to jump in. She tells him that even on a good day their relationship was toxic and unstable...but when he was sober he at least had more dignity than the time she walked in on him licking salt off the neck of a glorified hooker. Oh right...Eberlee. She rhetorically asks him if he did that to humiliate her and pay her back for falling in love with someone else. Dylan stares glumly into space and doesn't respond, then asks for permission to use the bathroom. Mackenzie Phillips gives him the OK, and he slouches off down the hall.
In the powder room, Dylan pulls out his stash of coke and stares down at it. For some reason, he can't bring himself to snort any of it, and returns to the living room to re-join the intervention. He asks what the game plan is...that is, if he's supposed to acknowledge what a douchebag he's been and beg everyone for forgiveness - then quickly snaps that that ain't going to happen. Mackenzie Phillips informs him that they've packed a bag for him and booked a bed in a rehab center. Dylan flatly refuses to go to rehab, but says he's willing to attend the meetings, and insists that he can handle his recovery himself. He starts ranting and raving about how they all want him to stay a sick wino because it makes them look better by comparison...then decides he doesn't want to give them the satisfaction and agrees to go into rehab. OK, weirdo.
The Beach house. Clare asks David how the intervention went, and he tells her it went well and that he hopes it helps Slouchy get his life sorted out. Clare says she has an idea to help take his mind off of everything, then gets up and goes over to the video camera, puts in an old air check video cassette and aims the camera at the bed. She joins David on the bed, kisses him, and asks him if he's curious about what they look like while they're doinking. David is definitely into the idea of starring in his own sex tape, so the two start going at it. These two are in dire need of a decent storyline.
In the kitchen, Kelly assures Donna that they did the right thing by urging Dylan to enter rehab and that, according to Jackie, the first night is always the hardest. With that settled, Donna grumps that David keeps leaving his empty cartons in the fridge even though he no longer lives at the apartment. Kelly asks her if she's bothered by the sleeping arrangements, and Donna says she isn't - mostly 'cause of her new boyfriend: Ray. She remarks that her mother is definitely not going to be pleased that she gave Griffin the heave-ho. The phone rings and it's Jackie calling to tell Kelly that an editor from Seventeen magazine saw her proofs from the mother-daughter photo shoot and wants her to do an additional layout. Jackie excitedly tells her they have a meeting tomorrow...and Kelly's not very interested, but gives in after Jackie begs and pleads with her to show up at the meeting. When Kelly hangs up, she tells Donna how domineering her mother is, and Donna rhetorically wonders whose mother is worse: Kelly's or hers. Is that a real question? 'Cause obviously Felice is, like, infinitely worse.
Community Hospital. Dylan's lying in bed and chatting with Kirk, his rehab roommate. Kirk is impressed with how well Dylan's doing, and recalls how his first morning in rehab was spent puking his guts out. Thanks for sharing. Someone knocks on the door to announce that it's suppertime, and Kirk warns Dylan that they only have five minutes to get to the cafeteria, otherwise they won't be served. Dylan shrugs unconcernedly and asks him if he has today's paper, but Kirk says that there's no newspapers, phones, or television in rehab.Ack! Three reasons to stay away from drugs and avoid rehab. Kirk starts nattering about the morning routine he used to have when he was an alcoholic, and Dylan brusquely orders him to shut up.
The Martin house. Donna drops by to break the news to her mother that she and Griffin aren't dating anymore. Felice is all, "Wha-at? What happened?" so Donna tells her that things just didn't work out. Felice sinks into the nearest chair and sadly reminisces about what a wonderful boy he was, and how perfect he was for her. Donna tells her it's all good because she already has a new boyfriend! When she says his name is Ray Pruit, Felice furrows her brows and recalls that Papa Martin plays golf with Jefferson Pruit, a stockbroker...but Donna wryly tells her they're probably not related. Felice asks her what year of college he's in, and Donna says he's not in school anymore and that he's a musician. Felice goes into full blown denial and says, "Aaah, a concert pianist, no doubt." Donna tells her that Ray plays the guitar and writes great songs, so then Felice - who's still clinging to hope that he's rich and suitable - asks where he's from. She visibly deflates when Donna answers, "Reseda." Hmm...I guess Reseda's bad..? Donna accuses her of being a snob, so Felice says she's concerned that she doesn't know enough about this boy's family and background. Donna says she knows he's sweet, nice, cute, and that she likes him - but Felice says that in her book that's just not good enough, and Donna stubbornly retorts it is in hers. Felice throws in the towel and encourages Donna to invite this penniless nobody to dinner so that she and Papa Martin can scrutinize him in person.
Seventeen magazine office. Kelly and Jackie arrive for their meeting with an executive named Lisa. She gushes over Kelly and tells her she's even prettier than her pictures, and remarks that Claude has a good eye. Jackie interjects and starts gabbling about how she and Claude have known each other for years, and that she did some modelling for Seventeen a few times herself. Lisa ignores her and explains to Kelly that the series of layouts they want her for will feature "real girls" - meaning no professional models. Jackie then starts nattering about her first college layout, and how the models all wore plaid and saddle shoes. Lisa gets fed up and politely kicks her out of the room so that she and Kelly can talk privately. Once they're alone, she remarks to Kelly that she doesn't seem very excited about doing the layouts, so Kelly assures her she is and explains that she had a bad experience modeling as a child and didn't like what the industry did to her mother. Lisa reminds her that this isn't a career choice or a high pressure situation, so Kelly promises to think it over.
Community Hospital. Dylan tells the administrator he wants to sign himself out, despite having just checked in the night before. The administrator urges him to give the program a chance and warns him that if he leaves, there's no possible way he can get better. Dylan insists that he can handle his addiction problems...and since he voluntarily checked himself in, the administrator has no choice but to release him. Meanwhile, Valerie has just arrived at the hospital to drop off a little care package for Dylan, and is startled when Dylan appears in the reception area and announces that he's leaving. She asks him if this is really the right thing for him to be doing, and he just barks at her to give him a ride home.
The Walsh house. Mama Walsh is on the phone, admonishing someone at the hospital for allowing Dylan to check himself out and leave. Papa Walsh overhears her end of the conversation and sternly tells her they've done everything possible for Dylan...and that it'll never be enough. She nods obediently and ends the call.
Beach house. David asks Clare where their sex tape is 'cause he wants to watch it, so she goes over to the pile of videotapes and panics when she can't find it...and the two start frantically searching her bedroom.
The Martin house. Ray has failed to show up for dinner on time, and Felice is bitching about his tardiness to Donna and Papa Martin. She grumbles that the lamb is ruined - egads! - so Papa Martin decides they'll wait a few more minutes, and then start the meal without him. In the meantime, he tells Donna he'd like to watch the air check tape Donna brought over. Donna gets it out of her bag, and Papa Martin is about to put it into the VCR when Ray finally arrives. He greets Donna's dad as Mr. Martin, and is haughtily corrected by Felice and told he's to be addressed as Doctor Martin. Ray shrugs and hands her the bouquet of flowers, then explains that he's late because he took a wrong turn. Felice tightly suggests that they wait until after dinner to watch the air check tape, and the four head over to the dining room.
Restaurant. Brandon meets up with Jackie and Kelly to celebrate Seventeen's offer to Kelly...but she downplays it and tells him she doesn't want to make a big deal out of being in a layout. She then says she's not going to be able to eat anything - I guess she's worried about looking like a fatty in the photos. Jackie changes the subject and asks Brandon how Dylan's doing, and he tells her he hopes all is well with his troubled friend.
Dylan's house. Dylan has ordered Chinese takeout and beer and remarks to Valerie that he doesn't need to be in rehab. As he starts chugging one of the beers, she makes a snarkish comment about his drinking, so then he grumbles that he thought of all people, she'd be cool with his ongoing substance abuse. He gives her a blechy schmooch, and she pulls away and says, "Getting drunk out of your mind is really not that cool." He snaps that if she doesn't like it, she can leave - so she opts to endure his verbal abuse and lets him continue to kiss her. The phone rings and it's Mama Walsh calling...and when Dylan doesn't answer, she leaves a message on his machine telling him how worried they are that he's no longer in rehab.
The Martin house. Ray is having an uncomfortable dinner under Felice's bitchy scrutiny. After picking at his plate of aspic (I Googled "aspic" and...gross), Felice assures him he'll love the lamb...even though it's slightly overcooked. Donna shoots her a look of annoyance but otherwise stays mute. Felice then asks Ray to tell them a bit about himself, so he tells her he's originally from Oklahoma and was raised in San Bernardino...and Felice needlessly interjects to tell him that she and Dr. Martin met a lot of people from Oklahoma - oil people - during their year in Houston...and Ray's only response is that he has an uncle who used to be a rigger. Papa Martin asks him what his family does, and he says, "A little of this, a little of that" and that he mainly works in construction. He then lays his cards on the table and tells the Martins that he doesn't come from much and doesn't know where he's going...and if that's a problem for them, tough nuggets.
Dylan's house. Dylan's slouched over the dining table, looking disgusting as he eats his Chinese food with his fingers, which he then licks...and a few seconds after that, he lets out a loud belch. Valerie is finally finally starting to look suitably grossed out, and then dismayed when Dylan goes over to his liquor cabinet and pulls out a big bottle of scotch. She tells him he has a problem and needs serious help (ya think?), so he tells her she can either shut up or get out. He ambles over to the phone to dial the beeper of his drug connection, and when the phone rings a few seconds later she begs him not to answer it. He ignores her plea, answers the phone, and pauses the call to ask her if she's staying or leaving. She tells him that he has his drug connection and doesn't need her, then leaves him to his own self-destructive devices. Hallelujah.
The Peach Pit. Kelly and Brandon enter the diner and join Steve, Jesse, and Ahn-drea at their table. When Nat comes over to take their order, Kelly tells him she just wants a cup of tea, and Brandon groans, "Uh boy...here we go" and announces that Kelly's not eating anymore because of her upcoming Seventeen layout. Meanwhile, Nat gets a phone call from Mama Walsh, then comes over to the table to deliver the bad news: Dylan checked himself out of rehab earlier that day.
Pool hall. The shady looking drug dealer saunters in and greets Dylan. He asks him if he's ever chased a dragon, and Dylan perks up and rhetorically asks, "Heroin?” As he contemplates the prospect of becoming a heroin addict, the drug dealer pulls a small packet out of his pocket and gives him a free sample.
Donna and Ray take Rocky 2 for a walk - and it looks like the poor dog has been relegated to residing with the Martins. Donna's reluctant to go back in the house, so they sit on the back of Ray's truck. She apologizes for her parents' snobbery, and Ray says he likes her dad...but concedes that Felice is, indeed, a contemptuous muff. Donna compliments him on his honesty and the way he held his ground during dinner, and he points out that he's dating her, not her parents - and the only family member he really needs to impress is Rocky 2.
Beach house. Clare and David are frantically searching the apartment for their sex tape when Donna arrives home. She asks them what they're doing, and Clare asks her if she's seen their old air check tape...so Donna tells her she gave it to her parents so they could see some of what she does at campus TV.
The Martin house. Donna creeps inside her parents' house to surreptitiously retrieve the sex tape. She runs into her mom, who says she still wants to see the air check. Papa Martin is in the living room, holding the tape with a weird expression on his face. He claims he tried to watch it, but just got a lot of static...and after Felice wanders back toward the kitchen, he tells Donna in a low voice, "Give David my best." She thanks him for his discretion and he says she owes him big time. Before Donna's able to make a clean getaway, Felice insists on discussing her dating situation, and reiterates how heartbroken she still is about the breakup with Griffin. She moans about what a nice gentleman he is, so Donna sarcastically retorts that he's "such a gentleman" he waited until their second date to try to get her in the sack. She then flounces out of the house, leaving Felice staring after her in shock.
The Pruit house. LuAnn is dying to hear all the details about Ray's dinner with the Martins. She asks him how grand the house was and the kind of food that was served...so Ray tells her how great everything was: the Martins live north of Sunset Blvd, and they have an army of servants. What army? I counted one maidservant named Lucille. LuAnn looks transfixed as she puffs away on her cigarette, then reminds him to not rock the gravy train and to continue to treat Donna raaat.
The Walsh house. The Walshes and Kelly are sitting in the kitchen, discussing Dylan's latest antic. Valerie arrives home and tells everyone she was just at a movie, and they fill her in about Dylan and how no one's seen him since he checked himself out of rehab. Kelly asks Valerie if she's seen him, and Valerie barks back that she just said she was at a movie. Mama Walsh quickly defuses the situation and says they're all just worried about Dylan. Valerie coldly retorts that maybe it's time to stop worrying about him, and that there's only so much one can do for a person. She adds that it's Dylan's problem if he refuses to accept their help...and Kelly agrees.
Hollywood Hills. The next morning, Dylan is passed out in his car. He wakes up and tosses the empty bottle of scotch onto the side of the road, then fumbles around for his packet of heroin. He smokes it for a few seconds...and soon after, a police car approaches. When it drives past him without incident, he starts his engine and weaves across the road...and it doesn't take long before he completely loses control of his Porsche and soars with it over a cliff.